I Need Advice.

juliansmom

juliansmom

Well-Known Member
This is embarressing so I will probably delete it later. But I broke up with my fiancee yesterday. This is about to sound so dumb but I got angry because he posted Nicki Minaj on his facebook page and his caption was "I love her..she is so beautiful". He does this sometimes and I always get upset. I have told friends Im upset and they told me i am over recating. Its not like hes cheating and hes allowed to talk about other women he finds attractive.

In the past we have had arguments about the pictures he "likes" on instagram (strippers, half naked women). I ended up deleting my instagram for years. I made a new one but i Do not follow him. I have also deleted him from facebook in the past but he got upset because he couldnt tag me in posts or tag me in pictures.

To give some background I have horrible self esteem. I was obese growing up..I remember kids taunting me..i was even spit on in elementary school. A drunk uncle told me i looked disgusting and was shaped like a milk Jug..and women are supposed to be shaped like coke bottles. I have stories for days that haunt me..

I lost alot of weight and got very small and in shape by lifting weights and counting macros..but the self hate was still there. I had a baby in July..Im almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight but i still feel very bad about myself. its hard to look in the mirror. Ive been to therapy..taken drugs..nothing has worked.

im fed up..im tired of being mad about the same dumb mess. i feel like he is better off with a more sane. level headed women without all the problems and baggage.

I guess my question is..how can I truly authenticaly learn to love myself?? i just want to be happy
 
:bighug: I'm sorry you are feeling like this. To answer your question, it's a work in progress. I grew up with the exact opposite problem. I was teased because I was skinny growing up. I mean, for years, I felt like it was a personal affront to other people. People would make all kinds of stupid comments, that were really uncalled for, especially for a little girl. Even my Dad (who I inherited my size from) told me I was too skinny. I bring this up to say that no matter if you are skinny or overweight - kids and sometimes especially adults will find a way to tease you to make you feel bad about yourself. As a teenager, I REFUSED to put my head down, and let people get to me. I would look at the people teasing me and see they weren't that cute themselves, LOL! I'm a little bigger now, so I don't get those same comments quite as often. But, I still have the same mentality. Whatever it is, I refuse to allow myself to let anyone make me feel insecure or feel bad about myself. Not even ME! I do things that make me feel good about myself: I work out, I treat myself to the spa, get my nails/toes done...anything that makes me feel good.

When I think about the people who mean the most to me, I don't automatically think about their physical traits. I think about how they make me feel, and if they are kind, supportive, funny, etc. And although I don't think I look half bad (lol), I want people to love me for who I am, not for what I look like. Beauty fades, no matter how pretty we are physically. But character doesn't.

Besides...Nikki Minaj's body is fake. Not trying to put her down, just keeping it real. I'll bet she has low self esteem. Most people who get extreme plastic surgery like that do. Make up with your fiancé girl!! It's not worth it. He don't know Nikki Minaj!!
ETA: ...And Nikki Minaj ain't checking for him!!!
 
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Godsdaughter001 said:
:bighug: I'm sorry you are feeling like this. To answer your question, it's a work in progress. I grew up with the exact opposite problem. I was teased because I was skinny growing up. I mean, for years, I felt like it was a personal affront to other people. People would make all kinds of stupid comments, that were really uncalled for, especially for a little girl. Even my Dad (who I inherited my size from) told me I was too skinny. I bring this up to say that no matter if you are skinny or overweight - kids and sometimes especially adults will find a way to tease you to make you feel bad about yourself. As a teenager, I REFUSED to put my head down, and let people get to me. I would look at the people teasing me and see they weren't that cute themselves, LOL! I'm a little bigger now, so I don't get those same comments quite as often. But, I still have the same mentality. Whatever it is, I refuse to allow myself to let anyone make me feel insecure or feel bad about myself. Not even ME! I do things that make me feel good about myself: I work out, I treat myself to the spa, get my nails/toes done...anything that makes me feel good.

When I think about the people who mean the most to me, I don't automatically think about their physical traits. I think about how they make me feel, and if they are kind, supportive, funny, etc. And although I don't think I look half bad (lol), I want people to love me for who I am, not for what I look like. Beauty fades, no matter how pretty we are physically. But character doesn't.

Besides...Nikki Minaj's body is fake. Not trying to put her down, just keeping it real. I'll bet she has low self esteem. Most people who get extreme plastic surgery like that do. Make up with your fiancé girl!! It's not worth it. He don't know Nikki Minaj!! :bighug:
ETA: ...And Nikki Minaj ain't checking for him!!!
Click to expand...

Thank you for your advice..ever since I had the baby a couple months ago I havent been keeping up with myself or doing things that make me feel good. Im going to go get my hair and nails done today..something I havent done in ages.

But as far as making up..im just starting to feel like maybe someone like me is better off single forever. I dont worry about my self image as much as I do when im in a relationship. I just want to feel peace.
 
hopeful said:
Your fiancée is wrong. He could be more respectful.
Click to expand...

At first i felt like he was wrong and we wouldnt have these problems if he would just stop. But he and other people have told me that they are just pictures..its not that serious. So now i feel like me and my self esteem is the problem. Like if i was confident enough..it wouldnt bother me.
 
oh dear. is this all thats going on in the story or are you not yet sharing the part where him posting random photos is symptomatic of him sliding in random chicks dms and its all part of an online creeping pattern?

#itgoesdowninthedm
 
is he in his early 20s? he sounds like he's very young (or young minded I guess). I don't see why it's so important to him to post these pictures if he knows that it bothers you so much. I think that I would probably feel "a way" about it too.

This is not encouragement for you guys to not try to work it out though. :) , just my observation.
 
How old are you two?
He needs to be more respectful. And more adult. It's fine to be attracted to other people. I don't understand advertising it.
I would be bothered by this also. You do need to work on your self esteem but all the self esteem in the world doesn't change the fact that your fiancé is being inappropriate.
 
CaraWalker said:
oh dear. is this all thats going on in the story or are you not yet sharing the part where him posting random photos is symptomatic of him sliding in random chicks dms and its all part of an online creeping pattern?

#itgoesdowninthedm
Click to expand...

as far as i know hes not doing anything like that..his instagram is mostly filled with pictures of me and our family. so i dont think he would be sending dms..but who knows.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
is he in his early 20s? he sounds like he's very young (or young minded I guess). I don't see why it's so important to him to post these pictures if he knows that it bothers you so much. I think that I would probably feel "a way" about it too.

This is not encouragement for you guys to not try to work it out though. :) , just my observation.
Click to expand...

yep he is younger than me. he just turned 23 and i will be 25 next year
 
LivingInPeace said:
How old are you two?
He needs to be more respectful. And more adult. It's fine to be attracted to other people. I don't understand advertising it.
I would be bothered by this also. You do need to work on your self esteem but all the self esteem in the world doesn't change the fact that your fiancé is being inappropriate.
Click to expand...

Thats what i tried to tell him. Okay you love nicki minaj and all these other women but why keep posting it? i just dont get the point. i said he should only be posting pictures of me..but now i feel like im being controlling.
 
i just feel burned out. this is what we have the most arguments about..he said hes not gonna change..my feelings probably wont change. hate to end it over this but i think were at the end of the rope.
 
Op, when it comes to self esteem and loving yourself, its not inherent, its actually a choice. Granted, you may not like some parts of yourself that you can't change, so acceptance is key here.

Everything on the outside, like getting your hair and nails done should be how you express love and care for yourself. Its OK to use them to boost confidence, but your esteem will be stronger if you get it from the inside. Besides it really is just a choice.

As for your fiance , hes immature and rude. If he can't heed such a simple request then you're right, you don't need to marry him. You guys are young adults which leaves plenty of time for self growth.
 
if the question is how can you love yourself enough that this isnt a problem there seems like a few issues at play here:

1. its a control thing trying to force him what to and what not to post online. so I would say thats unrelated to your self esteem issues just to detangle the two.

2. plastic surgery is not a bad thing if it addresses a self esteem problem that is negatively affecting other areas of your life. nicki might have used plastic surgery to fix her low self esteem but her self esteem probably is not driving her to end her relationships. so in case you do, dont think its wrong to do something "superficial" if its going to make you feel better about yourself. like how we go natural out of guilt even though our self esteem might be on a trillion if we just went ahead and got that 28 inches of yaki.

3. its not normal to kick someone out of your life over photographs and to a lesser extent social media. personally I think you should not be upset to the point where you feel driven to do that. part of the problem is that hes not respecting your feelings but really you seem more bothered by the idea/image of the women in the pictures. so firstly he needs to respect you enough not to do things that hurt you but it might be hard for him to see it that way if the things that are hurting you are unreasonable.

4. this would be a good time to explore how to let go of those appearance based wounds with a therapist.
 
Exactly

If your partner is doing something you have vehemently expressed you don't like he should not do it, very simple.

The other ladies have given great advice on the self esteem aspect

I will say just make sure op that you truly really want to marry him.


LivingInPeace said:
How old are you two?
He needs to be more respectful. And more adult. It's fine to be attracted to other people. I don't understand advertising it.
I would be bothered by this also. You do need to work on your self esteem but all the self esteem in the world doesn't change the fact that your fiancé is being inappropriate.
Click to expand...
 
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juliansmom said:
Thank you for your advice..ever since I had the baby a couple months ago I havent been keeping up with myself or doing things that make me feel good. Im going to go get my hair and nails done today..something I havent done in ages.

But as far as making up..im just starting to feel like maybe someone like me is better off single forever. I dont worry about my self image as much as I do when im in a relationship. I just want to feel peace.
Click to expand...
Having a baby can do funny things to one's self esteem in general.
I was feeling self conscious and even felt a bit jealous of most inappropriate women/girls for a few months post partum with my second. I lost my waist and didn't get the one week six pack snapback that I did with my first child and this shook me to my core...

Please allow your hormones to settle and give your relationship a chance. You can make sure you have time to yourself that may help but you don't want to look back and regret this when you're back to feeling like yourself. Big hugs hun x
 
I agree you need to work on your self-esteem but he is being inconsiderate. It's disrespectful for him to be posting about a female celebrity he likes, especially when you've just had a baby and are feeling self-conscious about your appearance. Especially a celebrity like Nicki Minaj.:look:

My only question is has he done this before?
 
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ScorpioBeauty09 said:
I agree you need to work on your self-esteem but he is being inconsiderate. It's disrespectful for him to be posting about a female celebrity he likes, especially when you've just had a baby and are feeling self-conscious about your appearance. Especially a celebrity like Nicki Minaj.:look:

My only question is has he done this before?
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Yes this has happened multiple times. thats why im so burnt out. i really tried to just ignore it and not care but its hard to control my feelings about it. I thought i could fix it by not caring but it just draws me further away from him
 
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Were supposed to have one last talk about this tonight when he gets off work. If we cant ge on the same page we will probably go ahead and end the relationship. Its a silly thing to argue about I know. But it really hearts my feelings, i feel like he doesnt value me and i start to feel angry and resentful. And because of the anger and resentment It makes me feel like im not close to him..it makes me see him as an enemy and not a future husband. I know this probably sounds crazy but its true. I just want a best friend who understands and values my feelings. If i can never have that I will gladly be single so i dont have to deal with this type of problem anymore.
 
Focus more on yourself. Do things you enjoy. I'm actually surprised folks are acting like he can't have a celebrity crush. People fawn over Idris and whoever all day on here. Married people at that. She said herself he puts her and their child all over his page. To break up or start a fight with someone over that is pretty silly.

Unless he has a history of cheating then I can see you just being over it period. But if this is your only issue then no. You have to address your own issues. You could be experiencing postpartum depression. Get off his ig too. Y'all have a child so you will still have to deal with him and I doubt it's truly over. Maybe he didn't have to post it since he knows it bothers you, but posting a celebrity pic shouldn't bother you.
 
Nayna said:
Focus more on yourself. Do things you enjoy. I'm actually surprised folks are acting like he can't have a celebrity crush. People fawn over Idris and whoever all day on here. Married people at that. She said herself he puts her and their child all over his page. To break up or start a fight with someone over that is pretty silly.

Unless he has a history of cheating then I can see you just being over it period. But if this is your only issue then no. You have to address your own issues. You could be experiencing postpartum depression. Get off his ig too. Y'all have a child so you will still have to deal with him and I doubt it's truly over. Maybe he didn't have to post it since he knows it bothers you, but posting a celebrity pic shouldn't bother you.
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Yeah & thats the problem. I try to get over it and not take it as disrespect and try not to let it bother me. But there has been no change in the last 2 years. Thats why im starting to feel like i should just be single If this is something I cant handle. He can be with someone who accepts this and is cool with it. I honestly wish I was and it didnt bother me. So maybe it is just me with the problem like ive been thinking
 
Ive been reading about personality types and the type of people who are better off being single for life. maybe im just that type of person..
 
If you want to enter a relationship you need someone who is considerate in regards to your issue and just considerate to your feelings in general. That doesn't mean in each partner needs to be hostage to each others problems. Its just that few seconds pause, of consideration before doing certain things. Like "how would my partner feel if they were to see this", " Do I need to be doing this", "Is there room for compromise?", "how would I feel if the shoe were on the other foot".

Relationships are not a one size fits all. This is why I'll never going to base whether a behaviour is OK for me personally on the opinion of friends. I will consider their view and while sometimes it makes me think of a situation in a different way, other it still doesn't sit right with me as an individual.

I suggest you look into books about self compassion and see if they help. I will send you a title that I like that talks about self esteem vs self compassion. It's very interesting.
 
qchelle said:
i love your profile pic! you're so pretty! :love:
Click to expand...

Thank you. Before I even read the post I noticed how striking her features are, just lovely.

Start by acknowledging the things about yourself that you like. For example, how you write, your voice, how funny you are, the way you cook, your hair, the way you dress, the fact that you gave birth to a beautiful baby, anything. Whatever those things are focus on them. For the things/areas that needs to be improved, devise a plan on how you are going to improve them, include milestones. For ever milestone that you reach, reward yourself for doing so. If you don't reach the milestone when you wanted to, acknowledge you are improving yourself and that is something that most people say but never do.

Advice on your relationship: A women that is confident in herself doesn't involve herself with certain men.
 
You may have self esteem issues you need to work on but that doesn't change the fact that your fiancée is wrong.
I disagree with you that the issue is silly since you keep suggesting that. If a team of two (in a relationship) is only as strong as the weakest member, then the issue is serious. These are your feelings and they are important. Other people and friends may tell you it's a small issue but guess what? It doesn't change how you feel. This is your relationship, not your friends' and its up to you to decide what you are comfortable with.

I personally wouldn't put up with that, and I consider myself to have a healthy sense of self esteem. I'd tell him how I feel and what I'd like to happen, then give him a chance to make a choice and let me know before I decide how to proceed with the relationship.
But from the information you have provided so far, he doesn't sound ready to fix this and you may just have to take a loss on this one. There are lots of men out there, trust me. Losing this guy doesn't mean you are doomed to be single.
 
yall realize yall are advocating that it is reasonable for someone to be upset and initiate real consequences on real life circumstances and relationships

based on photographs of celebrities

:lachen:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

:lachen:

this is why women with more sense avoid the RF :lachen:
 
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