I need advice

[1stladysonshine]

I am in a long distance relationship. Normally I visit my man for the holiday's. Well, last week he has said that financially it isn't a good time for me and his daughter (1 year old ) to visit him. Okay, well I said, "Maybe I'll understand that because things are pretty stressfull right now. He doesn't have money and neither do we. So, two days ago while on the phone with him someone comes to his door (around 7pm). This is our conversation:

Him: "Hello, who is it?" (to the person at the door) "Babe, let me call you right back" (to me).

Me: "Okay, I love you."

The Call Back Around 5 minutes later:

Him: "Babe a friend of mine is over here because she needs to talk and i am her only friend she has got here. i just wanted you to know what was up. Hold on hold on, she wants to talk."

Her: "Oh my god Lena I love you so much. I love you so much. I have heard so much about you. I just need to speak with him for a minute because I am going through some crazy stuff right now. i love you soooo much."

Me: Thinking (What the heck?) At this point I am blown and unfortunately when i get shocked i can't speak..."Uhhh, OOOkay"

Him: See Babe, I just don't want you to think anything crazy. Are you mad? You sound mad."

Her: Taking the phone again to go through the same stuff she just said.

Him: "Hold on let me go outside. I think she is mad" (talking to her about me)
Babe don't be mad. She really has nobody to talk to.

Me: "Well Bob, I don't really know what to say. I guess I am just going to have to trust what you say. Alot of people would call me stupid right now. Am I stupid, Bob?"

Him: "No, no...I promise"

Me: "Well handle your business. I am going to sleep."

Now, we haven't spoken since then. He called the next day around 4pm, 5pm, and 7pm. I didn't answer because I am still trying to sort out how I feel and how to handle this. I don't have the money to pop up. So, I am lost. I need advice!!!!!!!!! erplexed

Summary:

1. He said don't visit for the holiday
2. A chick comes to his house for comfort at 7pm at night and gets on the phone with me
3. He doesn't call me back until the next day (later the next day)
4. Am I crazy?

 

[Nefertiti0906]

I don't think you're crazy

 

[Laginappe]

Me either.

 

[1stladysonshine]

So, how should I handle it?

 

[audacious1]

Summary:

1. He said don't visit for the holiday
2. A chick comes to his house for comfort at 7pm at night and gets on the phone with me
3. He doesn't call me back until the next day (later the next day)
4. Am I crazy?

I don't think you're crazy.

 

[Hil84figer]

You aint crazy. I'll leave it at that.


ETA: Okay I'm back. The thing is her actions are suspicious. Why going on a tirade of I love you I Love you to a person you never met or spoken too. That's a bit too much IMO. like she went overboard. Maybe she's overly friendly like that don't know.

It could be that it's legit on your man part but not the girls. You know your man more than anyone here so you know whether to trust him or not.

Like another poster suggested, next time you go meet this friend.

 

[sweetkita4]

Are you crazy...no
Did you read too much into the situation...maybe
Do you have a legitimate reason for questioning him...yeah

It could be harmless since he did call you and let you know what was up. I'm guessing that he could have just not called and then you would have found out later and it wouldn't have been pretty whether anything happened or not. On the other hand, next time you visit, make sure you meet her because if you have a feeling about this "friend", your intuition might be right. My DH and I were friends first, the one I told all my problems and talked about my day with and he called and texted me all the time and I couldn't understand why it would be seen as a "problem" with guys I was seeing if I didn't have a problem with their female friends. I guess they could see something their because we've been married for 1.5 years now.

 

[deltagyrl]

No, I don't think you're crazy at all.

 

[BobbieDoll]

I don't think you're crazy, something I learned and always try to follow is to trust your instincts. I know so bad we want to believe the people we love and try not to think otherwise in fear or looking crazy in the small chance we were wrong but again I say trust your gut.

 

[1stladysonshine]

Ladies,

So what exactly should I say? My fear is that I am going to hear pretty much the same information. Really, I think I am just going to have to go with the flow and if something clear and obvious pops off then react, but right now its just his word. I feel sooooooo stupid.

 

[tyrablu]

Are you crazy...no
Did you read too much into the situation...maybe
Do you have a legitimate reason for questioning him...yeah

It could be harmless since he did call you and let you know what was up. I'm guessing that he could have just not called and then you would have found out later and it wouldn't have been pretty whether anything happened or not. On the other hand, next time you visit, make sure you meet her because if you have a feeling about this "friend", your intuition might be right. My DH and I were friends first, the one I told all my problems and talked about my day with and he called and texted me all the time and I couldn't understand why it would be seen as a "problem" with guys I was seeing if I didn't have a problem with their female friends. I guess they could see something their because we've been married for 1.5 years now.

I agree with this. The best thing would be to talk about how you feel with your SO.

 

[reallynow]

Don't feel stupid or crazy........right now you really don't know what the real deal is. Just continue with your eyes and ears wide open for any other flags. If he hasn't given you reason in the past to make you suspicious it may be totally on the up and up. The next time you speak with him just be clear that the entire situation was a bit strange to you, but you trust him (if you do) and move on. If your gut is telling you something is not right then you may want to listen.

 

[Bunny77]

Okay, I have a totally different question.

Do you do all the visiting? Does he ever visit you? I know he has a daughter and all, but is he the one with custody, which would make it hard to visit you?

I just think it's interesting that everything you've said has involved you going to see him, but not vice-versa.

And I don't think you're crazy either.

 

[TCatt86]

Trusts your instincts you already know the deal. You aren't crazy, whatever you think is happening is happening.

 

[TCatt86]

Ladies,

So what exactly should I say? My fear is that I am going to hear pretty much the same information. Really, I think I am just going to have to go with the flow and if something clear and obvious pops off then react, but right now its just his word. I feel sooooooo stupid.

But you aren't stupid. Right now all you can do is just take what he's saying for face value. You don't want to react because you don't really know, just keep your eyes and ears open. And trust your instincts even more.

 

[Summer_Rain]

How long have you been together? Is the 1yr old daughter your child together, or is it his with someone else? What does him having (or not having) money have to do with you coming to visit?

 

[1stladysonshine]

1. He has been home before, however I must admit I have done the bulk of the traveling. This is okay by me because honestly I get to see what his life is like away from me. It has given me some reasurrance.

2. I don't have money to get to him and he doesn't have money to send for us, therefore we can't go. And because $ isn't so readily avaliable, he says he is going to be working nonstop over the holidays, which is his rationale for us not traveling to see him--he won't have time. "I know this seems crazy and it is causing me to raise red flags, but what's a girl to do"

3. We have been together for quite some time 6 years as a couple, 3 years engaged, and 4 years as friends (off an on about twice). Yes, he is my child's father. Our break up and call off were a result of growing up and getting older. We arrived at different times, which caused a conflict. It has never been about love or other people (at least not to my knowledge--honestly). We have always had the love. At this point, I believe we are on the same page (at least I did until the other day).

4. Thanks for the responses. I agree I am probably going to have to take his word for it, keep my eyes open, and move on. Really, there is isn't another option...

 

[Bunny77]

1. He has been home before, however I must admit I have done the bulk of the traveling. This is okay by me because honestly I get to see what his life is like away from me. It has given me some reasurrance.

2. I don't have money to get to him and he doesn't have money to send for us, therefore we can't go. And because $ isn't so readily avaliable, he says he is going to be working nonstop over the holidays, which is his rationale for us not traveling to see him--he won't have time. "I know this seems crazy and it is causing me to raise red flags, but what's a girl to do"

3. We have been together for quite some time 6 years as a couple, 3 years engaged, and 4 years as friends (off an on about twice). Yes, he is my child's father. Our break up and call off were a result of growing up and getting older. We arrived at different times, which caused a conflict. It has never been about love or other people (at least not to my knowledge--honestly). We have always had the love. At this point, I believe we are on the same page (at least I did until the other day).

4. Thanks for the responses. I agree I am probably going to have to take his word for it, keep my eyes open, and move on. Really, there is isn't another option...

Okay, thanks for the answers!

I dunno, now that you've said more, this whole thing sounds more shady. I mean, this is your child together and he doesn't want to see her? You're going to drive to wherever he lives with his child, and he's saying no because of money? It doesn't take much money to put you two up for a few days, come on now.

And even though it's okay with you that you do most of the traveling, I do find it shady that he doesn't seem interested in doing much at all. If you stopped traveling there tomorrow, would he visit you and your child?

This incident you're telling us about just seems to be one piece of the puzzle. The impression I'm getting here, based on what you're saying, is that this relationship is pretty one-sided with you doing all the work.

And if you are together as a couple and have a child together, what is his plan for your future together as a family? Why aren't you living together? Are you talking marriage or at least living under the same roof at some point?

 

[Always~Wear~Joy]

Her: "Oh my god Lena I love you so much. I love you so much. I have heard so much about you. I just need to speak with him for a minute because I am going through some crazy stuff right now. i love you soooo much."

I'm sorry but ^^^^^ is too much. This alone raises a red flag. Like wtf, she must spend alot of time with him to profess so much love for you from the things he tells her. Her getting on the phone was soooooo unnecessary and to me seems like it was done only to assure you that nothing is going on. Trust your gut feeling.

ETA: also, I don't care if he is her only friend in the city....he was talking to you on the phone she could have waited. *sigh* this is just shady

 

[Colliecole]

I'm sorry but I gotta say...HE"S IN THE WRONG!!!!! DEAD WRONG! I had a long distance relationship with my SO for 2 years before he moved here. One of the rules was: No women friends over your house, and you don't go to theirs. That was a BIG NO NO! There should be no reason for a women friend to come over to your place...sorry that's just how it is. He should make it clear that he IS NOT single, talk on the phone with her if she's the clingy "I just need someone to talk to..." type and won't leave him alone, go out to lunch from time to time (no dinner dates) and that's it!

There was only one friend that I allowed for my SO to have over at will, and that's because they were friends waaaaaay b4 we met, she was like a sister to him, and I'd met her in person. If you and your SO are currently in a committed relationship than you need to establish those boundaries with him, which he should comply out of respect for your relationship. It's not about "trusting him" it's about him being responsible enough to keep himself out of compromising situations, especially since you are long distance.

[Sorry I’m so passionate, but I called my SO once when we were long distance and I heard a woman’s voice in the background…I briefly lost my mind, but he explained the situation. She was his co-worker…there was an employee party, she got drunk and couldn’t drive home, so they walked to his place down the street so she could sober up b4 driving home. The only thing that stopped me from tripping out was the fact that she was dating my SO’s friend who was also there at the time…]