I just realized I love him....

[redbone_412]

Ok, ladies...I need your helperplexed

I'm going to be very honest so that I can get honest feedback...this is not only hard for me, its embarrassing.

I've known my boyfriend for almost 4 years...we just got back together in October after a year apart. We've been going through it lately and I was really trying to decide if I even wanted to be with him anymore. So, during this "rough patch", I've been having online (i.e. email, chat,etc) interaction w/a guy I used to talk to in college. We've never been intimate but we always discussed what we would do if/when we get to that point. So over the last two weeks, he's been sending some pretty graphic pictures and so I sent him some (I had on lingerie in mine though). So then he sends me a video of himself playing with his "you know what" and it hit me at that moment that I was playin myself. So I called him (we never talk on the phone) and told him that I was involved w/someone, sorry if I led him on, etc. That was that.

Sunday, my boyfriend asked if I was happy and I told him no and that I needed to figure out if we should be together, etc. I think he sensed something was wrong b/c I've been falling back the last couple of weeks. So Monday I go to work and leave my laptop at his house. He went to use it and my email was up...guess curiosity got the best of him and he goes through my inbox and sent mail...so you can pretty much guess what he seen. He even sends the guy a graphic note pretending to be me.

He calls me at work and proceeds to question everything I've ever told him (I love him, I want to build a family with him, etc). He then asks if I've been faithful and I say "yes" (I've never been physical or gone out w/anyone else). He doesn't believe me and says to come get my stuff from his house. Now, at this point I have NO clue whats going on until the guy calls me breaking b/c he doesn't understand what type of game I'm playing telling him not to contact me and then sending a graphic email.

So to sum this up - I went and got my stuff...he called me just about every name you could think of...said I disgusted him, etc. I told him I was sorry for hurting him and of course his response - "you didn't hurt me, I don't even care". Now, I knew that he was gonna be on defense mode so I didn't try to talk to him. I figured I'd let him cool off.

The day after (Tuesday) was extremely difficult but Wed and Thurs were pretty good. But it him yesterday - I really do love this man and really want to be with him. But I hurt him. Now he'll never trust me and you know men are not as forgiving as us

What do I do? I've never been in this type of predicament...do you guys have any suggestions???? I know that if I want him back...I have to put in WORK...I'm going to have to think like a guy and things that guys do when they are in "the dog house".

Sorry this is so long guys.....I just really need help. Thank you for reading my soap opera

 

[crlsweetie912]

Ok, ladies...I need your helperplexed

I'm going to be very honest so that I can get honest feedback...this is not only hard for me, its embarrassing.

I've known my boyfriend for almost 4 years...we just got back together in October after a year apart. We've been going through it lately and I was really trying to decide if I even wanted to be with him anymore. So, during this "rough patch", I've been having online (i.e. email, chat,etc) interaction w/a guy I used to talk to in college. We've never been intimate but we always discussed what we would do if/when we get to that point. So over the last two weeks, he's been sending some pretty graphic pictures and so I sent him some (I had on lingerie in mine though). So then he sends me a video of himself playing with his "you know what" and it hit me at that moment that I was playin myself. So I called him (we never talk on the phone) and told him that I was involved w/someone, sorry if I led him on, etc. That was that.

Sunday, my boyfriend asked if I was happy and I told him no and that I needed to figure out if we should be together, etc. I think he sensed something was wrong b/c I've been falling back the last couple of weeks. So Monday I go to work and leave my laptop at his house. He went to use it and my email was up...guess curiosity got the best of him and he goes through my inbox and sent mail...so you can pretty much guess what he seen. He even sends the guy a graphic note pretending to be me.

He calls me at work and proceeds to question everything I've ever told him (I love him, I want to build a family with him, etc). He then asks if I've been faithful and I say "yes" (I've never been physical or gone out w/anyone else). He doesn't believe me and says to come get my stuff from his house. Now, at this point I have NO clue whats going on until the guy calls me breaking b/c he doesn't understand what type of game I'm playing telling him not to contact me and then sending a graphic email.

So to sum this up - I went and got my stuff...he called me just about every name you could think of...said I disgusted him, etc. I told him I was sorry for hurting him and of course his response - "you didn't hurt me, I don't even care". Now, I knew that he was gonna be on defense mode so I didn't try to talk to him. I figured I'd let him cool off.

The day after (Tuesday) was extremely difficult but Wed and Thurs were pretty good. But it him yesterday - I really do love this man and really want to be with him. But I hurt him. Now he'll never trust me and you know men are not as forgiving as us

What do I do? I've never been in this type of predicament...do you guys have any suggestions???? I know that if I want him back...I have to put in WORK...I'm going to have to think like a guy and things that guys do when they are in "the dog house".

Sorry this is so long guys.....I just really need help. Thank you for reading my soap opera

Hmm, this is a BIG issue for me. If they even THINK that their woman may have possibly, thought about being with/sexing someone else then that's usually a deal breaker.
I would let him cool off and tell him EXACTLY what you just said:
-You weren't happy
-You love him
-You want to make this work
-NOTHING happened with old boy even though you sent pics.

And see where it goes from there. He definitely needs time to cool off because I can see where he would be devastated. Just think of how you would feel if you were in his shoes. HTH

 

[sunnydaze]

That's tough.

The bottom line is that you were emotionally cheating on your current boyfriend..and him getting in your email didn't help matters. Think like a man for a moment, if he is seeing all this you have sent to another man, he is naturally going to assume that you either have already cheated or are/were planning to.

Question, why are you realizing you love him NOW?..and do you really? or is it that age old song never missing something until its gone? It looks like you broke things off with this other guy not b/c of your love for your current boyfriend, but b/c he took things too far over email.

I don't know..I think you need a little while for the emotional sting of him leaving you to wear off first so you can think clearly. Then really examine if you actually love him or need to let it go.

 

[*Frisky*]

Girl I know you didnt get busted through your email??You really arent a player at heart...just kidding sweetie, tyring to make you laugh a little. All jokes aside, he def needs some time to cool down. Men LOATHE the idea of their woman even thinking about another man in that way. I really dont think there is much to do as this point but wait it out some. If he evens wants to talk to you right now, I would tell him how you how you feel and just go from there. The ball is in his court right now and that is something you will have to to deal with.

 

[redbone_412]

Hmm, this is a BIG issue for me. If they even THINK that their woman may have possibly, thought about being with/sexing someone else then that's usually a deal breaker.
I would let him cool off and tell him EXACTLY what you just said:
-You weren't happy
-You love him
-You want to make this work
-NOTHING happened with old boy even though you sent pics.

And see where it goes from there. He definitely needs time to cool off because I can see where he would be devastated. Just think of how you would feel if you were in his shoes. HTH

I am surely going to let him cool off a little..he needs that. I am trying my best not to make excuses b/c I'm a grown woman, I know right from wrong and I also wasn't communicating my happiness the way I should have. I was basically falling back and giving him attitude. But on the flipside of that, its kinda hard to talk to him b/c he knows how to flips things and make it seem like I'm wrong. My biggest issue is that he's selfish (he's an only child) and I'm tired of that being an excuse for a grown man not to do certain things.

Now, mind you, I've had my share of woman issues w/him as well...chicks mailing him lingerie, wanting to take him on paid trips, inappropriate text messages (he let me look in the phone and I haven't done it since LOL), etc. When he's given explanations, I've given him the benefit of the doubt. I have always been the type that doesn't look for stuff, it will come to light eventually and it always has.

But you are right..once a man puts it in his head that you cheated or possibly cheated...its really no coming back. But I want to try.

 

[redbone_412]

[Question, why are you realizing you love him NOW?..and do you really? or is it that age old song never missing something until its gone? It looks like you broke things off with this other guy not b/c of your love for your current boyfriend, but b/c he took things too far over email.

I don't know..I think you need a little while for the emotional sting of him leaving you to wear off first so you can think clearly. Then really examine if you actually love him or need to let it go.[/quote]

I understand your question...I do love him....but I guess what I should have said is that I realized I really want to be with him....I already knew I loved him...bad choice of words. I just think the idea of losing scares me b/c I do want to be with him, just didn't know if I wanted or even knew how to put in the work to do so.

I did break things off w/him b/c one - things were getting too far, two - I had no intentions of following through...but not b/c I thought my boyfriend would find out.

I am going to wait a couple of weeks...I am going to DR next week and I am moving the following weekend...that will give me some time to think of a game plan and hopefully, give him time to cool off.

 

[redbone_412]

Girl I know you didnt get busted through you email??You really arent a player at heart...just kidding sweetie, tyring to make you laugh a little. All jokes aside, he def needs some time to cool down. Men LOATHE the idea of their woman even thinking about another man in that way. I really dont think there is much to do as this point but wait it out some. If he evens wants to talk to you right now, I would tell him how you how you feel and just go from there. The ball is in his court right now and that is something you will have to to deal with.

Yeah..I am so whack for getting caught via email Dumb self

And no offense taken...I was laughing when I read this.

 

[sunnydaze]

I agree that at minimum, give him a few weeks to cool off and then give him a call asking to meet up and talk.

I hope everything works out for you two!

 

[redbone_412]

I agree that at minimum, give him a few weeks to cool off and then give him a call asking to meet up and talk.

I hope everything works out for you two!

Thank you VERY much! Even if we don't get back together...I still think a conversation needs to take place so we have closure and move on. I'll keep you guys posted.

 

[PassionFruit]

you blew it... let that man go & have a chance at happiness elsewhere... he will never trust you again even if he does take you back... its not fair to either of you...

chalk it up as a lesson and pray that if ya find love again, ya realize and appreciate it before ya *** it up again

 

[Irresistible]

I was sitting here thinking about this

and if it was my man , I wouldnt wait no weeks to talk! I would be leaving msgs or texts or emails trying NOW! Because playing the cool role after such a big event will leave him feeling like you really didnt care! just like you would feel if the roles were reversed! He may not receive it like you want or react how you want , be ready for that! But in a couple weeks he will have processed alot while you show no effort and he might not come back from that process. Dont crowd him, but dont drop him at a time like this in this hurt!

 

[crlsweetie912]

I am surely going to let him cool off a little..he needs that. I am trying my best not to make excuses b/c I'm a grown woman, I know right from wrong and I also wasn't communicating my happiness the way I should have. I was basically falling back and giving him attitude. But on the flipside of that, its kinda hard to talk to him b/c he knows how to flips things and make it seem like I'm wrong. My biggest issue is that he's selfish (he's an only child) and I'm tired of that being an excuse for a grown man not to do certain things.

Now, mind you, I've had my share of woman issues w/him as well...chicks mailing him lingerie, wanting to take him on paid trips, inappropriate text messages (he let me look in the phone and I haven't done it since LOL), etc. When he's given explanations, I've given him the benefit of the doubt. I have always been the type that doesn't look for stuff, it will come to light eventually and it always has.

But you are right..once a man puts it in his head that you cheated or possibly cheated...its really no coming back. But I want to try.

But it's not the same for us. THERE IS A DOUBLE STANDARD. No matter WHAT they tell you
EX:
My ex cheated off and on throught most of our relationship (didn't know till I was very much into the relationship but I had my suspicions)
One Valentines day my girls and I decided that cause we weren't with anyone, that we would get each other cute gifts (small bears, a rose, little stuff you can get at the dollar store) THIS MF tries to bust me out because of a couple of roses...***** you been dippin in every Jane, Jill and Mary and you are going to say I was cheating because I brought a teddy bear intot he house? GTFOOHWTBS!

 

[Tamrin]

you blew it... let that man go & have a chance at happiness elsewhere... he will never trust you again even if he does take you back... its not fair to either of you...

chalk it up as a lesson and pray that if ya find love again, ya realize and appreciate it before ya *** it up again

A bit harsh... People make mistakes. As you can see, he too have made mistakes. Yes men are men they see us as these virginal creatures who are suppose to be perfect. We have wants and needs too. Maybe she felt something was missing something that could have been corrected with open communication. You can be in love with someone and still be unhappy about certain aspects of your life with them.

Red.. Please give him sometime to cool off. If its meant to be it will all work itself out. Take that time away to work on a plan. Work on you. Don't stress yourself over it. Sade said it best "Love is stronger than pride." Both of you need a little time apart to cool off. Try to enjoy DR. HUGS

 

[redbone_412]

I was sitting here thinking about this

and if it was my man , I wouldnt wait no weeks to talk! I would be leaving msgs or texts or emails trying NOW! Because playing the cool role after such a big event will leave him feeling like you really didnt care! just like you would feel if the roles were reversed! He may not receive it like you want or react how you want , be ready for that! But in a couple weeks he will have processed alot while you show no effort and he might not come back from that process. Dont crowd him, but dont drop him at a time like this in this hurt!

Two of my guy friends told me that...don't wait b/c even though he's upset, he may still want to hear from me..or at least that I care. If I don't do anything, then it will look like I wanted to end things with him. And I know that if I was him, I would at least want a text or two telling me how sorry he was, etc. I'm pretty sure he won't respond immediately, but I want to put it out there b/c although he says he's not hurt, I know I hurt him and that is the worst part

 

[sunnydaze]

I was sitting here thinking about this

and if it was my man , I wouldnt wait no weeks to talk! I would be leaving msgs or texts or emails trying NOW! Because playing the cool role after such a big event will leave him feeling like you really didnt care! just like you would feel if the roles were reversed! He may not receive it like you want or react how you want , be ready for that! But in a couple weeks he will have processed alot while you show no effort and he might not come back from that process. Dont crowd him, but dont drop him at a time like this in this hurt!

OK..after reading this I take back my weeks comment. But I do think you need to give him some space..and let him know that you understand why he is really mad at you right now, but you do want to talk things through after he cools off.

 

[Tamrin]

OK..after reading this I take back my weeks comment. But I do think you need to give him some space..and let him know that you understand why he is really mad at you right now, but you do want to talk things through after he cools off.

ITA with you.

 

[redbone_412]

A bit harsh... People make mistakes. As you can see, he too have made mistakes. Yes men are men they see us as these virginal creatures who are suppose to be perfect. We have wants and needs too. Maybe she felt something was missing something that could have been corrected with open communication. You can be in love with someone and still be unhappy about certain aspects of your life with them.

Red.. Please give him sometime to cool off. If its meant to be it will all work itself out. Take that time away to work on a plan. Work on you. Don't stress yourself over it. Sade said it best "Love is stronger than pride." Both of you need a little time apart to cool off. Try to enjoy DR. HUGS

Yes, I agree..the comment was a bit harsh...but to you....thank you for the love...its GREATLY appreciated. And you are right, there was some aspects missing and I should have been more diligent about communicating that to him...I have learned my lesson in that aspect..well actually, I've learned quite a few lessons

Before I got to DR, I will reach out to him...probably send flowers or a text and then try talking when I return.

 

[drasgrl]

I would wait a day or two not a weeks to call him.. The ball is completely in his court now. If you really want him back when he says jump you say how high? The only thing you can do is to plead your case and wait and see what he does. Tell him what happened that you're sorry and you love him and want to be with only him. If he accepts it great. If he doesn't there's nothing else you can do but leave him alone.

 

[PeopleTalkDaily]

Yes send him an email, flowers or something before your trip..

**take pictures for us***

If you love him and want to be with him fight for it..
I hope things work out..

 

[ladylibra]

i won't say he'll NEVER trust you again... but be aware that it's a lot harder to re-build trust than it is to start building trust at the beginning of a relationship.

if he does take you back, it's not going to be easy. things are never gonna be the same. he's gonna be suspicious of EVERYTHING you do for a while, and you can't really be offended or that will just further confirm to him that his suspicions were right. he might even take you back and then resent that he forgave you, and retaliate by cheating on you... and if you dare say anything about it he will immediately get defensive and say, "you did it to me and i forgave you, now we're even, etc."

 

[Irresistible]

i won't say he'll NEVER trust you again... but be aware that it's a lot harder to re-build trust than it is to start building trust at the beginning of a relationship.

if he does take you back, it's not going to be easy. things are never gonna be the same. he's gonna be suspicious of EVERYTHING you do for a while, and you can't really be offended or that will just further confirm to him that his suspicions were right. he might even take you back and then resent that he forgave you, and retaliate by cheating on you... and if you dare say anything about it he will immediately get defensive and say, "you did it to me and i forgave you, now we're even, etc."

yup men are predictable

I didnt even cheat , but went out with a friend when he upset me, he made me pay hell for that! double standard mutha fudgers!

 

[Princess4real]

you blew it... let that man go & have a chance at happiness elsewhere... he will never trust you again even if he does take you back... its not fair to either of you...

chalk it up as a lesson and pray that if ya find love again, ya realize and appreciate it before ya *** it up again

I agree with this total post. You two will do nothing but fight! The both of you will spend your time, bringing up the "well you did this" over and over again, until one of you gets the balls to just let it go.

ETA: You asked for our opinion and we are giving it to you. I'm sorry, too many sister's like to sugarcoat stuff to make the poster feel better. They say things happen for a reason. No relationship should have to be this hard. People sending him pictures and you sending people pictures.

 

[gmw]

It can work. Just remain focused on it working, and the both of you getting back to love.

Do not walk away from him or this situation, if you want this relationship. If you do, that will make your road that much harder to go. Let him have his attitu

While he may take time to get back to a safe place in his heart with you, and your laptop, and email, and pictures..... I say that everytime he gets an inappropriate text message, vmail, etc this week from another woman(that he feels is ok for some reason) he may start to see why things has fallen to place they are. That was not appropriate. And while you didn't react the way he did, it is not something acceptable in a relationship.

When people are ready to be in a relationship, sometimes they don't actively let go of their previous behavior, thereby putting their new relationship in serious jeaopardy.

You learned your lesson. Call him, wave you white flag, smile, be approachable, let him know you are sorry and that most importantly you love him and want this to work. Then let him take if from there.

Hang in there sweety!

 

[redbone_412]

I agree with this total post. You two will do nothing but fight! The both of you will spend your time, bringing up the "well you did this" over and over again, until one of you gets the balls to just let it go.

ETA: You asked for our opinion and we are giving it to you. I'm sorry, too many sister's like to sugarcoat stuff to make the poster feel better. They say things happen for a reason. No relationship should have to be this hard. People sending him pictures and you sending people pictures.[/quote]

I think you're saying relationships shouldn't be hard? That's true, to a degree...people do need to put in work every now and again...not everything is easy. I think alot of times, we give up b/c we don't want to put in that work.

I do things happen for a reason - this could be the key to us going our seperate ways...or it could have an opposite effect in making us stronger...who knows. Time will tell.

And to clarify, no one was sending him pictures...that was my dumb arse

 

[lexi08]

you blew it... let that man go & have a chance at happiness elsewhere... he will never trust you again even if he does take you back... its not fair to either of you...

chalk it up as a lesson and pray that if ya find love again, ya realize and appreciate it before ya *** it up again

Unfortunately, I am inclined to believe this is true. Men do deal well with situations like this. He is not going to forget this Double standard I know, but it is what it is.

 

[redbone_412]

It can work. Just remain focused on it working, and the both of you getting back to love.

Do not walk away from him or this situation, if you want this relationship. If you do, that will make your road that much harder to go. Let him have his attitu

While he may take time to get back to a safe place in his heart with you, and your laptop, and email, and pictures..... I say that everytime he gets an inappropriate text message, vmail, etc this week from another woman(that he feels is ok for some reason) he may start to see why things has fallen to place they are. That was not appropriate. And while you didn't react the way he did, it is not something acceptable in a relationship.

When people are ready to be in a relationship, sometimes they don't actively let go of their previous behavior, thereby putting their new relationship in serious jeaopardy.

You learned your lesson. Call him, wave you white flag, smile, be approachable, let him know you are sorry and that most importantly you love him and want this to work. Then let him take if from there.

Hang in there sweety!

Thank you for the words....I do feel like I owe it to him (for hurting him) and to myself to try....if I feel like I'm not getting anywhere after some time...then I will let it go. But I am not going to just walk away. That's too easy. I'm not looking for the easy way out. I know that this situation has opened my eyes and I hope it opens his. I hope that he is thinking about not only the things he may/may not have been doing but also what he did to contribute to what I did. I asked him to talk to me. He chose not to talk about our problems alot of times b/c he felt like if we don't talk about it right then and there, then its too late. Because of that, alot of stuff went unresolved.

 

[tarheelgurl]

He feels betrayed right now and for a man that's a big emotion/feeling to deal with. I'm not gonna say what you could have/should have done in the past, but I will say that before you start trying to woo this man back, think long and hard about the reasons you started reaching out to someone else. Think about the reasons you all broke up in the first place.
Make sure you won't be setting yourself up for failure by trying to cross a bridge that is already broken.

Here is another question to ask yourself: If ole dude from the internet hadn't went all freaky and showing videos of himself playing with himself, would you have cut it off still? Or would you still be talking to him? Did you cut him off because he grossed you out? Or were you already growing tired of him?

My suggestion, examine what lies beneath first, then make your move. If it is what you really want, don't go begging to him apologizing or sending him flowers. I would step to him like a woman and tell him that our relationship hasn't been perfect in the past and that if he is willing we can pick up and move on together. If he is willing to talk then you haven't lost him but regaining his trust will be a huge job. But don't lower yourself to make him feel better about himself because in the end it may not have been worth it after all.

 

[redbone_412]

Here is another question to ask yourself: If ole dude from the internet hadn't went all freaky and showing videos of himself playing with himself, would you have cut it off still? Or would you still be talking to him? Did you cut him off because he grossed you out? Or were you already growing tired of him?

Thank you for pointing this out.....for me, it was cool when he was sending pics of his body, partially clothed...but the shock of him sending the video really showed me that he was taking it to another level and I was entertaining it. I was also uneasy with that. I knew at that moment I had no intentions of being physical with him and I needed to cease contact w/him.

 

[tarheelgurl]

Here is another question to ask yourself: If ole dude from the internet hadn't went all freaky and showing videos of himself playing with himself, would you have cut it off still? Or would you still be talking to him? Did you cut him off because he grossed you out? Or were you already growing tired of him?

Thank you for pointing this out.....for me, it was cool when he was sending pics of his body, partially clothed...but the shock of him sending the video really showed me that he was taking it to another level and I was entertaining it. I was also uneasy with that. I knew at that moment I had no intentions of being physical with him and I needed to cease contact w/him.

Maybe you should explore dating some other people. Tell the BF that you all can just date and see if things heat back up. That will give you both time to heal and discover what you both really want. If he is willing would you be willing to do that? Maybe dating other people will help clear both of your minds.

 

[Princess4real]

He feels betrayed right now and for a man that's a big emotion/feeling to deal with. I'm not gonna say what you could have/should have done in the past, but I will say that before you start trying to woo this man back, think long and hard about the reasons you started reaching out to someone else. Think about the reasons you all broke up in the first place.
Make sure you won't be setting yourself up for failure by trying to cross a bridge that is already broken.

Here is another question to ask yourself: If ole dude from the internet hadn't went all freaky and showing videos of himself playing with himself, would you have cut it off still? Or would you still be talking to him? Did you cut him off because he grossed you out? Or were you already growing tired of him?

My suggestion, examine what lies beneath first, then make your move. If it is what you really want, don't go begging to him apologizing or sending him flowers. I would step to him like a woman and tell him that our relationship hasn't been perfect in the past and that if he is willing we can pick up and move on together. If he is willing to talk then you haven't lost him but regaining his trust will be a huge job. But don't lower yourself to make him feel better about himself because in the end it may not have been worth it after all.

Good advice!