I just broke up after 3 yrs...

[Charlotte]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years yestersday. We have been disagreeing about the same issue for months.... me feeling unappreciated, him being distant, etc. etc.

Although I was really upset with him when I broke up it was the right thing to do (I think??). I miss him so much already. I really just want him to call/email me "something - anything" just so I know that he would fight for me. Sadly, when I broke up with him he didn't even try to persuade me to stay.

I keep asking myself how can I be upset when I've been feeling unappreciated and unvalued for quite some time. I gambled by breaking up with him and I'm distraught I'm losing.....He just validated everything I've been feeling. I really believed he thought more of me after 3 years.....

I simply, don't know what to do. If I call him I would be defeating the entire purpose.......... right?

 

[Knedgers]

girl this happened to me .......dont worry about it the sadness will pass. it took strength to do what you did. You are going to miss him but time heals all. If he cant realize the issues and work on them then there is nothing you can do.

 

[foxxymami]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years yestersday. We have been disagreeing about the same issue for months.... me feeling unappreciated, him being distant, etc. etc.

Although I was really upset with him when I broke up it was the right thing to do (I think??). I miss him so much already. I really just want him to call/email me "something - anything" just so I know that he would fight for me. Sadly, when I broke up with him he didn't even try to persuade me to stay.

I keep asking myself how can I be upset when I've been feeling unappreciated and unvalued for quite some time. I gambled by breaking up with him and I'm distraught I'm losing.....He just validated everything I've been feeling. I really believed he thought more of me after 3 years.....

I simply, don't know what to do. If I call him I would be defeating the entire purpose.......... right?

Right. Yesterday was only a few hours ago. I had an ex that verbally and mentally abused me and we too were together for about 3.5 years. After we broke up, I tried to get him back. He was with another woman at that point so he told me that although he loved me it wouldnt be fair to her to get back with me. Aaaanyway, all that to say....in retrospect I thought it was pretty crazy of myself to want this man back who didn't value me the same way I valued him cuz he sure didn't seem to broken up about it. I even started a thread here, if you care to search for it. I came to the conclusion that we are bound to be attached to a person who is a significant part of your life for a number of years.

Your feelings are very normal. If you are ready to go down the same road and possibly face the same repeat issues with him again, then call him. If you want to begin healing yourself and learning something from the relationship that you two had, then I think you should give this breakup and yourself some time. I hope you feel better Charlotte

 

[Minx]

No real advice, I just wanna say I admire your courage to break it off.
I know that it was very hard to do.
And I understand the pain, the emptiness, the lonliness you feel.
To seperate from him means losing your lover and your best friend.

Wish I were there to give you a big hug to ease the pain.

I know what you are feeling, wanting to hear from him,wanting to hear his voice,but try to resist the urge to call him.
He'll call you, trust.

And don't play mind games with yourself as to the reason why he hasn't called......yet.
He misses you, too, I'm sure.
His male ego is just wounded right now.

He's trying to figure out what to do next about you, that's all.

So what will you say when he calls?
Cause I'm sure you know that you two will talk again.
(I don't think he's gonna let you go that easy.)


Anyway, stay strong.
dk

 

[Syrah]

So you were hoping that by breaking up with him he would try and convince you to do otherwise? I know you didn't intend it as such, but thats a game.

He's taking you for face value - you said you wanted to be done, he's giving you what you want. If you didn't want to be done, maybe you shouldn't have broke up with him.

Because he hasn't called or emailed doesn't he mean he's not thinking about you and doesn't mean that he doesn't care. Maybe he's trying to honor your wishes, because this is what you want, right?!?!?!

Sounds like you too might need a little bit of time apart - give yourself time to find your emotional footing again. You want to WANT him, not NEED him and considering it's 24 hours after the breakup, you're still in the need phase (we all go through it).

Take some time and figure out what you really want - and if he's able to give that to you. If so, pick up that phone and get that man back. If not, take some time to heal, then pick yourself up and keep it moving.

 

[TCatt86]

Even if you want him back don't call. You have to sort of some things within yourself. If you have a close family, go hang out with them. When I was having man problems I would just go and lay on my mom's couch, even though I never told her what was going on. Or go hang out with friends, get a new book. Something, you have to stay strong and see the bigger picture and have a plan. You just can't call him because you miss him, because all it's going to do is confuse you more.

 

[poetist]

I keep asking myself how can I be upset when I've been feeling unappreciated and unvalued for quite some time. I gambled by breaking up with him and I'm distraught I'm losing.....He just validated everything I've been feeling.

Im really sorry that you feel so alone, but trust, that so many of us have felt what you are feeling. Its one thing to feel alone when you are not with your ex. You may feel sad and unappreciated because he has not called or because the relationship didnt turn out the way you would have liked.

Its another thing to feel alone and unappreciated while you are in a relationship with your SO.

I do admire your courage because so often we get into relationships wanting to fill a void or simply have companionship with someone special. At times it works, other times, we feel as though we are alone. Sometimes, we choose to stay in that relationship even though our needs arent being met, just for the sake of being in a relationship. We fear leaving the relationship because we dont want to be alone....when all the time - we were actually alone in our "relationship."

You will be OK...and one day will look back at this incident and laugh about it. Happier times are coming you way because you deserve to feel loved, respected, and valued!!!!

 

[Divine_Order]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years yestersday. We have been disagreeing about the same issue for months.... me feeling unappreciated, him being distant, etc. etc.

Although I was really upset with him when I broke up it was the right thing to do (I think??). I miss him so much already. I really just want him to call/email me "something - anything" just so I know that he would fight for me. Sadly, when I broke up with him he didn't even try to persuade me to stay.

I keep asking myself how can I be upset when I've been feeling unappreciated and unvalued for quite some time. I gambled by breaking up with him and I'm distraught I'm losing.....He just validated everything I've been feeling. I really believed he thought more of me after 3 years.....

I simply, don't know what to do. If I call him I would be defeating the entire purpose.......... right?

(((HUGS))) Just be glad it wasn't 13 years! There are people that have been in long term relationships, got kids and everything, but are still feeling unapreciated. Waiting for that person to "get a hint" and realize that you are the best person that came into their life. I'm a firm believer that absence makes the heart grow fonder. He probably needs time to miss you and what you guys had together. If you miss him and you want to see how he's doing, that's fine...give him a call. But don't expect him to be ready to talk about your recent break up.

Oh, and know this....THEY ALWAYS CALL!!! So don't ever think that you are never going to be on his mind. I've had to get my number changed and played my own secretary to screen my calls because I've dated some guys that didn't get it....until it was too late, and I MADE them understand (shoot, I had one guy call me at work this past Friday...I wish I could change my work number too!)

 

[ChasingBliss]

The ladies here have given some excellent advice. I know it sounds corny but what wont break you will certainly make you stronger.

Try to do things for yourself that will get your mind off him and make you feel better...Take it one moment at a time. Before you know it, you will feel better.

One thing that worked for me was pushing myself from sadness to anger. Once I got mad, I got stronger.

My mindset gradually went from "boo hoo, how could he do this to me?" to "ufck him, he'll never have the chance to do it again!"

 

[gone_fishing]

I've been there. Well, I mean when I said it I meant it "I want to break up" but I did have those, maybe I shouldn't have thoughts.

You won't see this situation clearly while you are emotional and standing in the middle of it.

You were apparently unhappy for a long time and things just came to a head.

It doesn't appear from your post that your SO wanted to make an effort to make you feel wanted.

Right now I believe you are missing "the good times" and not the reality of the situation. Or, you may just be missing companionship and not necessarily even him.

I think you ought to leave the phone and him alone for awhile until you can think more clearly.

Get yourself a note book and write down the TRUE and HONEST pros and cons of this relationship THEN determine if your PROS outway your cons and IF you can live with the cons.

You deserve to feel loved and desirable. Don't think that you are asking for too much. And if you feel you NEED that and he cannot give that to you, you'll never truly be happy with him.

Believe me there are people who are married for YEARS and recover from this so just believe that this to shall pass. Each day will get a little easier. And I'll send a prayer up for you in the mean time.

DO talk about it as much as you need to because venting and talking helps.

 

[Charlotte]

Thanks, Ladies. I sincerly appreciate your support.... I honestly feel like I have so many best friends that I've never even met personally.

Last night was another tough night...... time only heals.erplexed

 

[*Happily Me*]

((((hugs))))

 

[lipyt]

Thanks, Ladies. I sincerly appreciate your support.... I honestly feel like I have so many best friends that I've never even met personally.

Last night was another tough night...... time only heals.erplexed

Charlotte I'm in the same boat as you... It is soooooooo freaking hard! Me and my ex broke up November 19th after 4 1/2 years and I feel like I haven't gotten better emotionally. It hurts soo bad! It's all encompassing. I can't stop thinkng about him. What makes it harder is that we work together. I have relapsed a few times and went to see him and slept with him. But with out fail each time, I felt horrible afterwards! I've been a wreck crying and screaming and wailing. I feel like a family member has died. When you've been with some one for so long (good or bad) and then all of a sudden you're not allowed to talk to, call or see that person it doesn't feel right. It feels soo empty. I can't wait to be done with these feelings and be stable again... We'll go down this road together.

 

[dreysonsmommy2011]

I feel as though you should take this break up as a blessing You know I was in the same situation a little over a year ago, but I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. I had to let him go by any means necessary. T.D. Jakes said that sometimes we have to let go of things in order to receive our true blessing. I realized that I can't change a man and that the man I was with wasn't for me so I let him go completely! I admit I missed him at times, but I didn't call him under any circumstances. When I let him go I said a little prayer asking God to send someone new and I told him what I wanted. I would say about 3 months later I met the love of my life. He is truly everything I prayed for and I thank God for giving me the strength to let go of my ex in order to receive the person who's truly my soul mate.
Just remember that you were feeling unhappy for a reason. You determine your own happiness. Don't ever let anyone take that from you. I know it easier said than done, but the one that you were meant to be with will come when you let go of the ex

 

[Charlotte]

This is for you, Lipyt. I commend you for your strength and the ability to do what you did.

After our break up he called me late Tuesday night. The end result was that that we missed each other dearly. Although I desire to be feel appreciate, want a man that adores me with roses and compliments I'd much rather have a man that is devoted, never cheated and loves me.

The end result we are now working on strengthing our relationship. I don't believe I'm settling... I'm simply working with the man that I love!

My question now is: Is it possible to sacrifice your own needs/desires for the relationship? Can I learn to go without those things if he doesn't change?

 

[Divine_Order]

I feel as though you should take this break up as a blessing You know I was in the same situation a little over a year ago, but I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. I had to let him go by any means necessary. T.D. Jakes said that sometimes we have to let go of things in order to receive our true blessing. I realized that I can't change a man and that the man I was with wasn't for me so I let him go completely! I admit I missed him at times, but I didn't call him under any circumstances. When I let him go I said a little prayer asking God to send someone new and I told him what I wanted. I would say about 3 months later I met the love of my life. He is truly everything I prayed for and I thank God for giving me the strength to let go of my ex in order to receive the person who's truly my soul mate.
Just remember that you were feeling unhappy for a reason. You determine your own happiness. Don't ever let anyone take that from you. I know it easier said than done, but the one that you were meant to be with will come when you let go of the ex

This happened to me in a similar manner. I wrote God a letter and got what I asked for in a man

 

[BroadstreetBully]

As women we give so much, and expect so little. It isn't fair. We are the mothers of civilization, we keep our young fed from our own busom, we clean, cook, try to make peace, and after all of this..we settle w/ little to no thanks. Every man out there should be willing to give his woman the highest appreciation, even if he is simply saying "thank you" to his own mother, by treating his women like a queen. How hard is it to show a woman he cares? It is optional. But a woman is always expected to take care of her man. If a woman doesn't cook or clean...yet she is devoted and doesn't cheat, her man would STILL be out the door.

So like you said, you don't feel like you are settling, you love him. And love is sometimes stronger than our wants. That's fine. But while our ladies are out there "loving their men regardless" I'm finding a man who's going to appreciate me and treat me the way any mother of civilization deserves to be treated. More good men for the rest of us!