I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but....

[msdeevee]

I don't know all of your complaints don't sound like deal breakers to me.

I've been married for 20 years and believe me there are a lot worse things that can be happening in a marriage than what you have stated.

Not to belittle your concerns because you have valid points to be concerned about but in reading your posts you say you love him so much and that he loves you. He's not a drunk or druggie. He is not cheating on you. He doesn't abuse you.

Maybe he is emotionally distant which can be very hard to deal with . Is that the case?

You will find as you get older and maybe re-marry that all men have 1 issue or the other some are deal breakers some are not. Your marriage seems like it is worth saving to me just going by what you have said.

I know that you said that you have talked to him but I suggest before you make the move of separating from your DH that you sit down with him and have a serious, serious talk with him and tell him that you are out of there and if he doesn't want you to leave he is going to make some serious commitment to do the things that to you are most lacking. Marriage is so throw away now. You seem like you have an otherwise good man. How will you feel if you leave and he starts dating someone else?

Do you really want to be with someone other than him? Can you picture yourself without your DH? when you think of the future is he there?

As for the sex, it is not the most important thing but intimacy in a marriage strengthens the bond.

Think hard and pray hard before you give up on your marriage.

 

[GoingBack]

DivaDiva,

I know that you said you suggested counseling and your DH said he could not afford it. Have you tried looking into government sponsored programs for families? Also a lot of companies have resources for employees who need parenting classes, marital counseling, etc. Have your husband look into this. I know at my job these services are offered for free to all employees.

DD,

I was going to suggest something along the same lines, although community based. See if there are any community or church orgs that provide counseling services. Usually, most church pastors do it for members of their congregation. I hope that things work out for the best...no matter what that is. ((hugs))

 

[Ije4eva]

I'm not married, nor have I ever been, so take this with a large rock of salt.

I've noticed that most people are not taught how to fill the role of spouse, especially men. There usually isn't any instruction on how to be a husband. And it seems like he recognizes he's not being a "good" husband, but maybe he doesn't know how to fix that.

I think counseling is a great idea, and I think if he truly wants to save the marriage he'll do it regardless of the cost. But lots of counseling centers have sliding scale and low cost options. So do churches and some ymca's. Try finding something like that so that cost can't be an excuse.

I'm not married either so I don't have anything other than dating experience to draw this from but my sister is in a very difficult marriage situation right now, they've actually tried counseling sessions and that's been pretty much useless sorry to say. As hopeless as her situation looks at times, I believe there is still hope (because "faith is evidence of things not seen"). I read the book "The 5 love languages" and I think it was Chapter 10 where he talked about a really bad marriage example where the guy wasn't willing to do anything. He asked the lady to love him in his love language (based on some of the things her husband had told her) and every once in a while, make a specific request that matched her love language (basically teach him how to love her) and see if he over-time started to actually fulfill her request. In the meantime he told her to seriously seek God and give it at least 6 months to start to see some real change in him. In her situation it worked, so I asked my sister to do the same. There's been ups and downs, but they've agreed to give it time and it looks like her guy is very gradually improving as is she. Just thought I'd mention this, I know you've already read many books . I'm sorry that you've had to go through all this, but be encouraged, I believe there is hope in your situation as well.

 

[mw138]

Oh and it crossed my mind where I could bury him and no one would ever find him. SERIOUSLY FOLKS.

This is so NOT funny, but I could help but at this.

 

[GreenD]

I'm not married either so I don't have anything other than dating experience to draw this from but my sister is in a very difficult marriage situation right now, they've actually tried counseling sessions and that's been pretty much useless sorry to say. As hopeless as her situation looks at times, I believe there is still hope (because "faith is evidence of things not seen"). I read the book "The 5 love languages" and I think it was Chapter 10 where he talked about a really bad marriage example where the guy wasn't willing to do anything. He asked the lady to love him in his love language (based on some of the things her husband had told her) and every once in a while, make a specific request that matched her love language (basically teach him how to love her) and see if he over-time started to actually fulfill her request. In the meantime he told her to seriously seek God and give it at least 6 months to start to see some real change in him. In her situation it worked, so I asked my sister to do the same. There's been ups and downs, but they've agreed to give it time and it looks like her guy is very gradually improving as is she. Just thought I'd mention this, I know you've already read many books . I'm sorry that you've had to go through all this, but be encouraged, I believe there is hope in your situation as well.

Thanks honey for the advice. I have that book and maybe I'll read it again and try to apply it. It's just so frustrating and discouraging to do all that and get nothing back. Maybe that will be my last straw.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Cannot tell you how you know but you'll know. I cannot remember the exact trigger for my moving out from my ex-husband but I can tell you what I did. I started apartment hunting, found a safe place a mile away, started to layaway essentials such as mattress, tv, sofa. I decided on a date, waited until he went to work, called my brothers to help and moved out. I was afraid to live alone for the first time in my life, cried many a night but survived and grew.

 

[GreenD]

Cannot tell you how you know but you'll know. I cannot remember the exact trigger for my moving out from my ex-husband but I can tell you what I did. I started apartment hunting, found a safe place a mile away, started to layaway essentials such as mattress, tv, sofa. I decided on a date, waited until he went to work, called my brothers to help and moved out. I was afraid to live alone for the first time in my life, cried many a night but survived and grew.

Thanks so much for sharing that with me/us. How long have you been separated/divorced, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[GreenD]

Ok after reading every single response here (most 2x+), and speaking with my DH, I'm staying put. Speaking to the hubby today he knows that I'm serious about being able to leave and he admitted that it does scare him knowing I could and would leave. He said his reason for acting that way is because of the economy. (This may sound lame to some, but for him he took huge hits. He bought our current single family home as the youngest person in the new development at the age of 26 yrs. old, so he's very ambitious, prides himself for being very good with money and is the hardest working man I've even seen!!). So the economy messing with his money in us trying to buy a new house, his business, a chunck out of his retirement and just the cost of everyday living threw him for a loop!! All of this happened within the course of 3 years back to back. I feel horrible not paying more attention to how these things were affecting him. In fact, now I feel like I just added more stress on top of things.

However, I explained to him that it's not a reason to shut me out and treat me the way he did, especially when I all I want to do is understand, help and be supportive. He reassured me that it wasn't anything I was doing, and that it was him. (Now looking back I see I didn't help the situation either.) I just don't want to repeat this cycle again!!! I really want him/us to learn from this, grow and change back to the man/woman we both married, despite what's going on around us. I've explained to him numerous times that when all else fails in your life, it's comforting to know you can always rely on that one person being there to comfort you when times get tough. I guess he just thought I was just talking, but I really did and still do mean it. (Yeah, you're probably confused, but had I known all along how much these things were affecting him, I definitely would've responded a lot differently. If he only communicated that was what he was going through this never would've been an issue. I feel horrible now!!

Now I'm seeing more that he's such a "manly man", as he said he didn't want to burden me with the issues he was dealing with, because he didn't want me to worry. Which is sweet, but I HATE that!! From the time we got married I saw us a equals, team players and best friends and we got each other's backs. He probably only saw that applicable to me, and not the other way around. He probably views things as him being the provider (which he does a great job at), and a protector (which I can't fault him for). But he forgot some where along the way that we're supposed to share our lives together, for better and for worse. I'm hoping this is something he and I can work on together with him opening up more instead of shutting me out when times get hard. He's the type that feels and tries to do everything on his own, (beause he's the man and wants to be Mr. Fix it!). Now I see why he was asking so much of me and looking back I should've been more supportive.

I love him to pieces and I'm relieved he's letting his guard down now and realizes that I have always been here for him and haven't thought any different of him because of our setbacks. Ugh this all could've been avoided had he just communicated that!!!

So I want to thank you ALL for EVERYTHING!! :blowkiss: (LOL, yeah you all deserve all of that and more!!) All of the words of advice, encouragement and just everything definitely has not fallen on deaf ears. I'll start reading The 5 Love Languages tonight, as well as looking for marriage counselors (in between checking these boards). I gotta go back and read the other threads you ladies have posted as well. I have so much more clarity now after putting it out there and getting such great feedback. It all makes sense now.

I'll definitely keep you ladies posted, but I won't be on here too long as I'll need to get ready for when my DH comes home. I think you all know what comes next....

 

[GreenD]

I don't know all of your complaints don't sound like deal breakers to me.

I've been married for 20 years and believe me there are a lot worse things that can be happening in a marriage than what you have stated.

Not to belittle your concerns because you have valid points to be concerned about but in reading your posts you say you love him so much and that he loves you. He's not a drunk or druggie. He is not cheating on you. He doesn't abuse you.

Maybe he is emotionally distant which can be very hard to deal with . Is that the case?

You will find as you get older and maybe re-marry that all men have 1 issue or the other some are deal breakers some are not. Your marriage seems like it is worth saving to me just going by what you have said.

I know that you said that you have talked to him but I suggest before you make the move of separating from your DH that you sit down with him and have a serious, serious talk with him and tell him that you are out of there and if he doesn't want you to leave he is going to make some serious commitment to do the things that to you are most lacking. Marriage is so throw away now. You seem like you have an otherwise good man. How will you feel if you leave and he starts dating someone else?

Do you really want to be with someone other than him? Can you picture yourself without your DH? when you think of the future is he there?

As for the sex, it is not the most important thing but intimacy in a marriage strengthens the bond.

Think hard and pray hard before you give up on your marriage.

LOL MsDeeVee you were soooo right. Thank you x 1 milli!!

 

[Ije4eva]

Ok after reading every single response here (most 2x+), and speaking with my DH, I'm staying put. Speaking to the hubby today he knows that I'm serious about being able to leave and he admitted that it does scare him knowing I could and would leave. He said his reason for acting that way is because of the economy. (This may sound lame to some, but for him he took huge hits. He bought our current single family home as the youngest person in the new development at the age of 26 yrs. old, so he's very ambitious, prides himself for being very good with money and is the hardest working man I've even seen!!). So the economy messing with his money in us trying to buy a new house, his business, a chunck out of his retirement and just the cost of everyday living threw him for a loop!! All of this happened within the course of 3 years back to back. I feel horrible not paying more attention to how these things were affecting him. In fact, now I feel like I just added more stress on top of things.

However, I explained to him that it's not a reason to shut me out and treat me the way he did, especially when I all I want to do is understand, help and be supportive. He reassured me that it wasn't anything I was doing, and that it was him. (Now looking back I see I didn't help the situation either.) I just don't want to repeat this cycle again!!! I really want him/us to learn from this, grow and change back to the man/woman we both married, despite what's going on around us. I've explained to him numerous times that when all else fails in your life, it's comforting to know you can always rely on that one person being there to comfort you when times get tough. I guess he just thought I was just talking, but I really did and still do mean it. (Yeah, you're probably confused, but had I known all along how much these things were affecting him, I definitely would've responded a lot differently. If he only communicated that was what he was going through this never would've been an issue. I feel horrible now!!

Now I'm seeing more that he's such a "manly man", as he said he didn't want to burden me with the issues he was dealing with, because he didn't want me to worry. Which is sweet, but I HATE that!! From the time we got married I saw us a equals, team players and best friends and we got each other's backs. He probably only saw that applicable to me, and not the other way around. He probably views things as him being the provider (which he does a great job at), and a protector (which I can't fault him for). But he forgot some where along the way that we're supposed to share our lives together, for better and for worse. I'm hoping this is something he and I can work on together with him opening up more instead of shutting me out when times get hard. He's the type that feels and tries to do everything on his own, (beause he's the man and wants to be Mr. Fix it!). Now I see why he was asking so much of me and looking back I should've been more supportive.

I love him to pieces and I'm relieved he's letting his guard down now and realizes that I have always been here for him and haven't thought any different of him because of our setbacks. Ugh this all could've been avoided had he just communicated that!!!

So I want to thank you ALL for EVERYTHING!! :blowkiss: (LOL, yeah you all deserve all of that and more!!) All of the words of advice, encouragement and just everything definitely has not fallen on deaf ears. I'll start reading The 5 Love Languages tonight, as well as looking for marriage counselors (in between checking these boards). I gotta go back and read the other threads you ladies have posted as well. I have so much more clarity now after putting it out there and getting such great feedback. It all makes sense now.

I'll definitely keep you ladies posted, but I won't be on here too long as I'll need to get ready for when my DH comes home. I think you all know what comes next....

I'm really happy for you!!! And no this doesn't sound strange at all, because I've heard many men say the same thing. And communication is truly an art form especially in difficult times. That "protector/provider" gene in men can get kinda distorted if not checked and cause them to act in very strange ways. In my sister's husband's case he admitted he started to feel like a failure in some ways since she's the breadwinner right now. Anyway just my two cents but based on what you said he might be a Words of Affirmation guy, but I'm sure you'll find out after reading the book again . Love and prayers to you as God helps you rebuild your marriage! All the best on your journey!!!!

 

[GreenD]

I'm not married, nor have I ever been, so take this with a large rock of salt.

I've noticed that most people are not taught how to fill the role of spouse, especially men. There usually isn't any instruction on how to be a husband. And it seems like he recognizes he's not being a "good" husband, but maybe he doesn't know how to fix that.

I think counseling is a great idea, and I think if he truly wants to save the marriage he'll do it regardless of the cost. But lots of counseling centers have sliding scale and low cost options. So do churches and some ymca's. Try finding something like that so that cost can't be an excuse.

This is a really good point. Since his parents divorced when he was younger I realized that he may not have a good male role model to demonstrate how a husband is supposed to be. Don't get me wrong he loves his dad and really admires him, but his father can only share with him the mistakes he made so he won't make them as well. Shortly after getting married I told him he should talk to his brother in law and/or have him as a mentor to go to about marriage issues, etc. But he has so much pride he definitely wouldn't go to another man regarding his marriage. I told him he needed some married friends, but he didn't go for it. He likes to do things on his own!! But in all honesty he is doing a really good job considering he has no one to refer to in that department. But we gotta work on his communication!!!

 

[tarheelgurl]

I am glad you are going to stay and I am glad that you guys opened up and talked. I have heard about men saying something similar to what your DH told you so its probably not an isolated case. Good luck!

 

[Raspberry]

Ok after reading every single response here (most 2x+), and speaking with my DH, I'm staying put. Speaking to the hubby today he knows that I'm serious about being able to leave and he admitted that it does scare him knowing I could and would leave. He said his reason for acting that way is because of the economy. (This may sound lame to some, but for him he took huge hits. He bought our current single family home as the youngest person in the new development at the age of 26 yrs. old, so he's very ambitious, prides himself for being very good with money and is the hardest working man I've even seen!!). So the economy messing with his money in us trying to buy a new house, his business, a chunck out of his retirement and just the cost of everyday living threw him for a loop!! All of this happened within the course of 3 years back to back. I feel horrible not paying more attention to how these things were affecting him. In fact, now I feel like I just added more stress on top of things.

I'm glad to hear you all working through this I wish you and the hubster all the best..

I'm not married but what you've illustrated seems like classic Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus stuff. Men do indeed tie a lot of their happiness and self-image to their finances and career, while women do the same with their relationships. My pastor once said that if a woman is broke but her relationship with her man is great, she's alright. But if a man is suffering financially he could have the best relationship in the world and he's like a ship without a sail.

Your thoughts on his lack of communication and manly man tendencies are interesting too - hopefully this will end up being a great testimony for those of us struggling in marriage or who just want to learn more about married life

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I'm glad to hear you all working through this I wish you and the hubster all the best..

I'm not married but what you've illustrated seems like classic Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus stuff. Men do indeed tie a lot of their happiness and self-image to their finances and career, while women do the same with their relationships. My pastor once said that if a woman is broke but her relationship with her man is great, she's alright. But if a man is suffering financially he could have the best relationship in the world and he's like a ship without a sail.

Your thoughts on his lack of communication and manly man tendencies are interesting too - hopefully this will end up being a great testimony for those of us struggling in marriage or who just want to learn more about married life

Quoted for emphasis. MEN PLACE A LOT OF VALUE ON WHAT THEY DO AND WHAT THEY CAN CONTRIBUTE. This economy is going to be the death of a lot of marriages if people don't communicate!

 

[msdeevee]

I was gonna say just what Raspberry & LisaLisa said so well.

Men place a lot of value on what they do and what they can contribute.

When a man (a good man) cannot provide or feels that his being able to provide well for his family is in jeopardy it can really mess with their minds.

You have a good man .


Communication can be difficult for some and don't expect miracles if it doesn't come easy for him you may have to work with him a lot to make it easier. Have some time every night where you just sit down and talk ask him how's it going? not a long marathon talk cause they hate that too. Just a few minutes. It doesn't have to be about serious stuff all the time either just keeping in touch with each others life.

I wish you the best. Marriage is hard work but worth it.

 

[GreenD]

Thanks laides!!! Raspberry, LisaLisa and MsDeeVee you hit the nail on the head. He mentioned a couple of times how much it means for men to be able to provide, and he also throws in how so many men are committing suicide and/or killing their families because of their inability to do so now because of the economy. LOL, don't worry he ain't gonna kill me!! He states this to just to prove how bad it is out here, and the extremes some men have gone to because they can't handle it.

So I'll continue to let him be a man and provide, as I certainly can't complain there, but I'll be more patient in understanding how he deals with the things that are most important to him, especially during this crazy economy.

Thanks again ladies!!

 

[msdeevee]

I was gonna say that about the suicide thing but I didn't want to put that negativity out there.

Wishing you the best girl, enjoy your marriage.

 

[naijamerican]

I'm really happy for you, DivaDiva.

I hope you don't mind my putting this out there, but if you delve a little deeper into the situation, you might also find that your husband might be mildly depressed. I know of couples for whom this has been the case and a lot of it is tied to a series of events happening back to back to back, and feeling unable to deal with it. If that's the case, then you both need support from family, friends, and each other.

I appreciate you sharing your story because it's helpful for single women like me to learn from.

 

[GreenD]

I was gonna say that about the suicide thing but I didn't want to put that negativity out there.

Wishing you the best girl, enjoy your marriage.

LOL, no it's cool. It hit him hard, but it wouldn't hit him THAT hard. LOL, it's just uncomfortable for him. He has options if he needed more cash, as he could liquidate some things. He just doesn't even consider them, because that's only if he's absolutely, positively, desperate and at the end of the rope. Thanks be to God, he and I aren't there (and don't plan to be).

 

[GreenD]

I'm really happy for you, DivaDiva.

I hope you don't mind my putting this out there, but if you delve a little deeper into the situation, you might also find that your husband might be mildly depressed. I know of couples for whom this has been the case and a lot of it is tied to a series of events happening back to back to back, and feeling unable to deal with it. If that's the case, then you both need support from family, friends, and each other.

I appreciate you sharing your story because it's helpful for single women like me to learn from.

Thanks for the insight. I still plan on going to counseling, and who knows where that may take us and/or what it may reveal. So we'll see, but I hope he's not mildly depressed. erplexed

 

[naijamerican]

Thanks for the insight. I still plan on going to counseling, and who knows where that may take us and/or what it may reveal. So we'll see, but I hope he's not mildly depressed. erplexed

If he is and he's willing to deal with it, then it will be totally fine. The problem is when men are depressed and ignore it, blame it on others, etc. That's when the situation gets problematic, and that's what contributes to marital strife. It seems like you have a man who really is trying to do better. That's really great!

 

[GreenD]

Well I got good news today!! I got my benefits package from my new J-O-B and they have an Employee Assistance Program that includes martial and family counseling. The rep pretty much listens to what concerns your having and will recommend a professional close to you that can assist with your concerns. And from what I've read, IT'S FREE!!! At least I hope so!! I'll keep you ladies posted.