I finally told my ex the "real" reasons we broke up

Natasha009

Natasha009

New Member
And now I feel terrible:-( I should have taken the high road instead of succumbing to anger and hurting his feelings:wallbash: He's a nice person in general, but I guess I just really got fed up with him always putting me down since we broke up, just b/c I am engaged and happy. I truly do feel awful, I don't think there is any way to make the situation better, and it just makes me sad that our friendship (we were good friends for a long time) has ended this terribly. The friendship had run its course already, but it didnt just fade out smoothly, it crashed and burned today!

I almost feel like I should apologize, but at the same time he said some really horrible things to me and I feel like that would be like saying the things I said weren't true, which they are. I was just soooo fed up with taking all the blame for the relationship ending (I allowed him to treat me horribly b/c I ended it and felt bad for him) but there comes a point when enough is enough, and today I just snapped and let him have it.

I don't know what to do! Should I just let it go and except the friendship is over at such a bad point, or should I give it a few days and try to end it on better terms, or...?? I don't know! We were good friends up until the end of Sept, when I got engaged.

Also, The real reasons i finally told him are very very bad and probably broke his spirit a little bit, which is why I never told him. There things that would probably hurt your feelings and stay in the back of your mind for awhile, if not ever, def leading to insecurity in your next relationship and maybe in your life. I think it has done that to him based on all the mean things he said back, thats why I feel so evil and horrible.
 
That's a sticky situation.I understand that he said some awful things to you (and that's not okay) but you also said "I almost feel like I should apologize" so here's my adivce. Take a day or two and think things over while the smoke clears and if you still feel like you should apologize then do it if for no other reason than to bring peace and closure. Should your friendship end you won't have to look back in regret for not apologizing. Say what YOU feel you need say and see what happens. Always maintain your integrity.I hope this helps.
 
Do you feel bad for being honest about your experience with him, or do you feel bad about HOW you said those things? He's upset b/c you broke up with him to accept another man's engagement? Did it happen abruptly like that?

If you do apologize, I think you should apologize for what you're really sorry for. If your feelings are valid in your own estimation - it might be beneficial for him to know the real reasons you left him. It probably hurts him, but you might be able to soften it by putting it in context rather than communicating out of anger. What chu think?
 
you can apologize for how you said it..in anger...it could definitely have been delivered a different way however if you were both emotional and reactive it may not have came out in the "best" way

if u told him the truth then thats what it is, if you start apologizing for expressing your truth you are going against your own spirit under the guise of trying to protect somebody elses "ego"

honesty doesn't make u the "good" guy in the sense the truth is always this great news that makes people "happy"...it just makes u the honest one, however how,when,where,why its expressed is what makes the difference in how its delivered

you can never control how its taken...sometimes people need to hear it in order to build themselves into a better person, so even if it seems like it "broke" him (probably because its true and people don't like to have their delusions of self shattered), it didn't break his spirit...more than likely his ego and at some point ego self will have to be shattered for his spirit to surface and take over the show so you may have done him a favor
 
tiara76 said:
you can apologize for how you said it..in anger...it could definitely have been delivered a different way however if you were both emotional and reactive it may not have came out in the "best" way

if u told him the truth then thats what it is, if you start apologizing for expressing your truth you are going against your own spirit under the guise of trying to protect somebody elses "ego"

honesty doesn't make u the "good" guy in the sense the truth is always this great news that makes people "happy"...it just makes u the honest one, however how,when,where,why its expressed is what makes the difference in how its delivered

you can never control how its taken...sometimes people need to hear it in order to build themselves into a better person, so even if it seems like it "broke" him (probably because its true and people don't like to have their delusions of self shattered), it didn't break his spirit...more than likely his ego and at some point ego self will have to be shattered for his spirit to surface and take over the show so you may have done him a favor
Click to expand...

I love how you put a positive twist on everything. How do you do it? plz do tell...
 
He feels like we would have gotten back together had I not met my fiancee, which is not true. If I hadn't met my fiancee, I would have been single or dating someone else, but I still wouldn't have been with him any longer. We were always great friends but he turned into a horrible bf. I met my fiancee maybe 3 weeks after we had broken up officially, although for 4 weeks before that we were on a "break". I was moved out of our apt for like 2 months total. He was attempting to reconcile, I was not - when i met my fiancee I knew from the moment we were introduced we were meant to be together forever, it was the strangest thing that has ever happened to me, but that is a whole different story lol.

This was all maybe a year and a half ago. Me and the ex hang in the same circle of friends and live in the same neighborhood so we see each other often, we get along for the most part but he always has something smart to say, if i say a movie was dumb, he'll joke and say "yeah, just like you" or find a way to put me down. Whatever, I let him be a baby and say things like that b/c I knew he was hurt. But finally today I had enough, he said something smart in a joking way about how I'm a gold digger who left him for some rich euro trash, and I just flipped. It clicked in my head and I realized it's been a year and half, get over it, he doesn't have the right to make those jokes.

Sooo....this is what I said "I didn't leave you for another man. I left you b/c there are things about you and your life I couldnt put up with for the rest of mine. Your dad is a rascist (he's white). Your mom is an abused housewife. 3 minutes in bed is not the business. You never stand up to anyone or for anything, you let your friends treat you like dirt. You dont handle your business with school, your so lucky to even be able to go and you take it for granted (his parents have paid ALL his schooling, even his phd which he's getting now, but he is continuosly messing up). You have NO concept of the black struggle, your just a white boy who pretends b/c he read a bunch of books. I could go on and on and on, but I think i'll leave it at that. Hows that for the truth??? "

Yes, it was extra mean. From his responses, I know it really hurt him to the core b/c he then tried to hurt me, which is what I feel guilty about. Also that if I'm honest with myself, I WAS trying to hurt him, even if what I said was true.

Overall though, he WAS a really good friend b4 we went out and even during this year and half. For example, When I was in Prague in April I got my purse snatched and he western unioned me some money (was 3am in the us and 9am there so no one else answered the phone).

I can except the firendship is over, but I feel like I should make an attempt to end it good, but then maybe I'm just blinded by the friendship we had and not seing it for how it is now.
 
Natasha009 said:
He feels like we would have gotten back together had I not met my fiancee, which is not true. If I hadn't met my fiancee, I would have been single or dating someone else, but I still wouldn't have been with him any longer. We were always great friends but he turned into a horrible bf. I met my fiancee maybe 3 weeks after we had broken up officially, although for 4 weeks before that we were on a "break". I was moved out of our apt for like 2 months total. He was attempting to reconcile, I was not - when i met my fiancee I knew from the moment we were introduced we were meant to be together forever, it was the strangest thing that has ever happened to me, but that is a whole different story lol.

This was all maybe a year and a half ago. Me and the ex hang in the same circle of friends and live in the same neighborhood so we see each other often, we get along for the most part but he always has something smart to say, if i say a movie was dumb, he'll joke and say "yeah, just like you" or find a way to put me down. Whatever, I let him be a baby and say things like that b/c I knew he was hurt. But finally today I had enough, he said something smart in a joking way about how I'm a gold digger who left him for some rich euro trash, and I just flipped. It clicked in my head and I realized it's been a year and half, get over it, he doesn't have the right to make those jokes.

Sooo....this is what I said "I didn't leave you for another man. I left you b/c there are things about you and your life I couldnt put up with for the rest of mine. Your dad is a rascist (he's white). Your mom is an abused housewife. 3 minutes in bed is not the business. You never stand up to anyone or for anything, you let your friends treat you like dirt. You dont handle your business with school, your so lucky to even be able to go and you take it for granted (his parents have paid ALL his schooling, even his phd which he's getting now, but he is continuosly messing up). You have NO concept of the black struggle, your just a white boy who pretends b/c he read a bunch of books. I could go on and on and on, but I think i'll leave it at that. Hows that for the truth??? "

Yes, it was extra mean. From his responses, I know it really hurt him to the core b/c he then tried to hurt me, which is what I feel guilty about. Also that if I'm honest with myself, I WAS trying to hurt him, even if what I said was true.

Overall though, he WAS a really good friend b4 we went out and even during this year and half. For example, When I was in Prague in April I got my purse snatched and he western unioned me some money (was 3am in the us and 9am there so no one else answered the phone).

I can except the firendship is over, but I feel like I should make an attempt to end it good, but then maybe I'm just blinded by the friendship we had and not seing it for how it is now.
Click to expand...

feeling guilty because you purposely wanted to hurt him won't make the situation any better....so you wanted to hurt him and you feel bad because you did, the feeling "bad' isn't punishment for you, guilt is something we put on ourselves and others because we don't understand why we feel bad...its just to let us know we are not in alignment with our true selves and that feeling doesn't make us feel good when we react on our emotions vs act with love in any situation...you can apologize for your delivery and apologize for your intentions to hurt him, you can even change up a couple of things and say it a different way (ie, I apologize for callin you a three minute dude, however were not sexually compatiable or something along those lines)...you never need to apologize for the truth no matter how its said...

sounds like he had a passive/aggressive way to try and put you down and this is not a great foundation for a "friendship" so for anybody who doesn't like to be put down at some point one way or another this issue will have to come up...you say he doesn't stand up to anybody, well if you didn't take a stand to him you'd be the same way...we all know when people are guising and jabbing at somebody in a "joking" manner and thats what he was doing to you...you can't have a true friendship without some true honesty, sometimes it doesn't come out the best way, in fact more times than not it usually comes out as a response to an emotional trigger....he wanted you back so its not surprising he would still do things for you, and not surprising seeming as if he has some esteem problems that he would try to project them onto you...his core needed to be shook, some people don't "get it" unless they get it a certain way so again..you can easily be doing him a favor

the truth shall set you free...however first it will piss you off, depending on how mad you stay at the truth will determine how long it will take you to be free of the delusion you were living in
 
I would just be done with it. No matter what he is hurt and angry over you breaking up with him and getting engaged to someone else, period. He should be apologizing for the non-stop put-downs. I hate you let him insult you (jokingly or not) for so long. You didn't deserve that. My advice is to let it go and focus your energy on your current relationship, your goals, and your dreams. Maybe one day you two will be able to talk and make amends but right now I think all that is on your ex's mind is hurting you and getting back at you.
 
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You're only responsible for you...regardless of what he said, if you don't feel good about what you said to him you should perhaps apologize. Just send him a note and move on.

Maybe the best thing is to stop talking to him altogether?
 
He is in denial. He thinks you are marrying to spite him. He thinks your world revolves around him.:rolleyes: Will he admit this? NO!:lachen: He has trounced on your feelings because according to your posts, his dad did the same to his mom. Abuse is a vicious cycle. Be glad you freed yourself from it. If you feel bad, write him a letter, but talking to this man in public will only make him think that your world revolves around him.:nono: Better to be free than to be sucked back in.:ohwell:
 
Honestly, If it were me. I would just move on and live my life. I say write him a letter (if you don't mind a paper trail and official documentation that you were with this guy.) and be done with it. We all say things we don't mean to come out, but based on what you did say; he was pushing for it and needed to hear it. He seems bitter about the breakup but how long are you going to feel guilty for letting go of a relationship that wasn't working for you? You are fortunate to be in love and engaged to someone you really want to be with. I say live for you not for past relationships. You really don't want these feelings of guilt in your new relationship.

So tell us about this European guy.
 
I'd move on.....it's not your place to apologize when you spoke the truth...probably something he needed to hear so that he does not make the same mistake again with someone else.
 
If the friendship is over, let it go. You said what you said and you meant it. It probably didn't come out the way you wanted it to but you meant it. It was what you had bottled up in you. He is an ex for a reason. I say have no regrets, let it go, move on, and enjoy your life with your new love.
 
Let it go. Least know he can stay out of your life esp since he was still making you feel bad after the break up

Waited too long if you ask me.
 
I don't mean any harm, but if you're engaged to someone else, why are you engaging in very emotional interactions with an ex? Can I ask if you still have feelings for him? I think it's appropriate to write a letter and close the book on that chapter if you are preparing to build a life with someone else.
 
Natasha009 said:
He feels like we would have gotten back together had I not met my fiancee, which is not true. If I hadn't met my fiancee, I would have been single or dating someone else, but I still wouldn't have been with him any longer. We were always great friends but he turned into a horrible bf. I met my fiancee maybe 3 weeks after we had broken up officially, although for 4 weeks before that we were on a "break". I was moved out of our apt for like 2 months total. He was attempting to reconcile, I was not - when i met my fiancee I knew from the moment we were introduced we were meant to be together forever, it was the strangest thing that has ever happened to me, but that is a whole different story lol.

This was all maybe a year and a half ago. Me and the ex hang in the same circle of friends and live in the same neighborhood so we see each other often, we get along for the most part but he always has something smart to say, if i say a movie was dumb, he'll joke and say "yeah, just like you" or find a way to put me down. Whatever, I let him be a baby and say things like that b/c I knew he was hurt. But finally today I had enough, he said something smart in a joking way about how I'm a gold digger who left him for some rich euro trash, and I just flipped. It clicked in my head and I realized it's been a year and half, get over it, he doesn't have the right to make those jokes.

Sooo....this is what I said "I didn't leave you for another man. I left you b/c there are things about you and your life I couldnt put up with for the rest of mine. Your dad is a rascist (he's white). Your mom is an abused housewife. 3 minutes in bed is not the business. You never stand up to anyone or for anything, you let your friends treat you like dirt. You dont handle your business with school, your so lucky to even be able to go and you take it for granted (his parents have paid ALL his schooling, even his phd which he's getting now, but he is continuosly messing up). You have NO concept of the black struggle, your just a white boy who pretends b/c he read a bunch of books. I could go on and on and on, but I think i'll leave it at that. Hows that for the truth??? "

Yes, it was extra mean. From his responses, I know it really hurt him to the core b/c he then tried to hurt me, which is what I feel guilty about. Also that if I'm honest with myself, I WAS trying to hurt him, even if what I said was true.

Overall though, he WAS a really good friend b4 we went out and even during this year and half. For example, When I was in Prague in April I got my purse snatched and he western unioned me some money (was 3am in the us and 9am there so no one else answered the phone).

I can except the firendship is over, but I feel like I should make an attempt to end it good, but then maybe I'm just blinded by the friendship we had and not seing it for how it is now.
Click to expand...

Call me cold blooded, but I don't think that's overly mean considering the circumstances and him consistently attacking you. Mean would have been to tell him he's going to be just like his dad or that his mom is a weak pathetic woman (not saying she is) things that were said just to be hurtful and with a specific intent to put the knife n his heart and twist it. Mean would have been to tell him he has a tiny baby penis and a weak erection. Mean would have been to tell him he were doomed to be a failure. That's mean.

Maybe he'll take some of what you said and use it for inspiration.It sounds as if you were largely being honest without any specific intent to be evaal.

I also think you should be careful of engaging him like this again. It's an emotional connection and even negative interaction can be a form of intimacy. You are now engaged to another man. If you want send him a note apologizing for any pain your comments may have caused, your appreciation for the good part of the friendship and leave it there.
 
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Dang girl if that's mean then I'm truthfully a *****. I've said worse things to a few of my ex-bfs. Don't worry about it, what's done is done. Just move on and try and be happy in your new relationship.
 
So how does your fiance feel about the fact that you are carrying on such an emotionally dysfunctional relationship with your ex. How would you feel if your fiance had a similar relationship with one of his exes.

I mean the fact that he feels anger towards the fact that you are marrying someone else, and the fact that you feel bad about telling him the truth about your breakup tells me that this friendship is inappropriate.

I do not feel you owe your ex ANYTHING. Period! Especially if he treated you so horribly. Someone who conducts themselves this way in a relationship is not someone who deserves the title "friend."

I would just leave him alone. No letters, no calls, no text messages, no e-mails, no explanation.
 
Thanks for all who gave me their advice, it really helped. I decided to wait a few days to think it over, and after reading alot of the advice, I've come to the decision that I DON'T owe him anything, least of all an apology. I think I get so caught up in the friendship we had before we were dating that I overlook the fact that while he does nice things occasionally, he hasn't really been consistently nice since we broke up. I really never even thought about that until now. Also I've realized that alot of my good feelings towards him are tied up into this summer. His friend and my best friend lived across the street from each other, so our two friends b/cm friends and therefore we saw each other ALOT, like at parties and BBQ's and etc. At least 2 or 3 times a week. Then my best friend was killed in November in a home invasion, and so when I look back on the last times I spent with my best friend and how much fun we had the whole summer and just how much I miss him, I can't help but associate my ex with that b/c he was always there, and he really cared for my best friend too. So I do have feelings for my ex, but they're not romantic at all.

My fiancee knew about our friendship, he had no problem with it, he knows I'm not going anywhere. Especially backwards to my ex. We have a semi- long distance relationship where we go anywhere from 2weeks to 1.5 months without seeing each other, so we have to have a high level of trust.

All in all, I do think I should cut ties with my ex b/c its just not healthy for my emotions. I'm just gonna let it go, I did say what I meant, and compared to some of the stuff he said after I said my piece, it just proves to me that he is led by jealousy and what friendship we did have was been lost. I've been over it for a long time and after a few days thinking about it, I do feel like a big weight has been lifted off my chest now that he is finally out of my life.
 
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