bkprincesa
New Member
Initially when I told my family I was transitioning to natural, I got some very ignorant and negative reactions from them. They made fun of my hair. I got many strange looks. Like many of you ladies, I can't count the times my mother strongly urged me to get a relaxer. At one point she told me I might as well get dreads if I'm going natural (which, we all know isn't the only natural style that exists). My father warned me that he wouldn't be happy if the next time I came home, I had a mini-fro.
Despite the lack of support, I continued on with my transition. Here we are four months later and I'm in my 10th month of transitioning! I learned more about natural hair care in the past 10 months than I ever did in my entire life. Just as I knew a few years ago after my father told me I had curly hair as a baby and toddler, I discovered my natural 3c/4a texture for myself this year. I'm happy and in love with my hair, but deep down it still bothers me that my mother gave up on it and relaxed it when I was 5. She never really explained in detail why she did it, and when I would ask her WHY, she always got upset.
So after the argument I had with my mother about how the hair of biracial children isn't naturally "bad," I asked her a few questions that I feel uncovered the mystery of why she forced me to be relaxed at such a young age.
It started after she stated that she would consider my brother a "poor parent" if his future biracial children's hair wasn't properly cared for by him or his wife, due to lack of knowledge on how to care for it. I reminded her that she had relaxed my hair when I was 5 because she herself couldn't care for it in its natural state.
She argued that she took care of my hair just fine after she relaxed it. This was true. I can't remember a time when my hair wasn't shorter than arm pit length when I was younger and I WAS known as the black girl with the long hair in elementary school. I give my mom THAT. But, I explained to her that she took good care of the CHEMICALLY ALTERED version of my hair. The reason she had relaxed my hair in the first place was because she had been frustrated and didn't know what to do with it anymore. Like many of the mothers of the ladies on this forum, she took the easy route.
Well, she sure didn't like being told that lol. She finally cracked and told me that my hair had "gone through stages" from the time I was born up until the time she decided to relax it. Apparently I was born with wavy-ish hair. By the time I was a toddler it was curly. Finally, she said by the time I was four going on five it had lost its curl because it had become a dry mess.
Well gee mom, "why was it a dry mess? Why didn't you moisturize it?!"
She argued that she did moisturize it. "WITH WHAT?" I demanded. She had the nerve to tell me that she used that Just For Me detangler spray to moisturize it. WHAT?! That's not moisturizing! I couldn't even begin to imagine how many forms of alcohol were used in that spray. And that was the only thing she put in my hair? No wonder it was dry!
I asked some smaller questions like whether she had used a wide tooth comb to detangle or not. She ignored me and if I know my mother at all I know that was her way of saying "no."
Here's the icing on the cake: I asked her how often she had washed my hair prior to relaxing it for the first time. I was just curious. Her answer? Every two weeks, whenever she washed her own. Can you imagine? Nothing being used on natural 3c/4a hair except shampoo (which I'm sure was loaded with drying sulfates), conditioner and alcohol-based detangler spray. For YEARS. No wonder my hair had turned into a dry mess.
Still, even tough it was really dry I doubt that would completely change my curl pattern. Perhaps it appeared that my curls went away because they had been deprived of moisture for so long. I mean, after all she only washed every two weeks with SHAMPOO followed by the alcohol-based spray and didn't moisturize my hair in between washes...Does it make sense that my hair would have become extremely dry after years of this routine? Wouldn't it have been hard to bring my curls back to life without an extremely moisturizing conditioner/treatment (which my mom had NO idea about back then)?
Now that I know what her 'regimen' was for me back then, it makes more sense why she considered my hair too unmanageable to keep it natural. Granted, she COULD HAVE done more to keep it moisturize but I know at the time there was a lack of knowledge in the black community on how to care for natural hair properly and it was easier to just relax it. Having this information makes me feel like a spirit who was trapped here because of "unfinished business." I feel like my spirit can rest now that I know why my mom relaxed and I know that no, I wasn't BORN with "nappy, unmanageable" hair, it BECAME that way because my mother didn't really know what she was doing.
Despite the lack of support, I continued on with my transition. Here we are four months later and I'm in my 10th month of transitioning! I learned more about natural hair care in the past 10 months than I ever did in my entire life. Just as I knew a few years ago after my father told me I had curly hair as a baby and toddler, I discovered my natural 3c/4a texture for myself this year. I'm happy and in love with my hair, but deep down it still bothers me that my mother gave up on it and relaxed it when I was 5. She never really explained in detail why she did it, and when I would ask her WHY, she always got upset.
So after the argument I had with my mother about how the hair of biracial children isn't naturally "bad," I asked her a few questions that I feel uncovered the mystery of why she forced me to be relaxed at such a young age.
It started after she stated that she would consider my brother a "poor parent" if his future biracial children's hair wasn't properly cared for by him or his wife, due to lack of knowledge on how to care for it. I reminded her that she had relaxed my hair when I was 5 because she herself couldn't care for it in its natural state.
She argued that she took care of my hair just fine after she relaxed it. This was true. I can't remember a time when my hair wasn't shorter than arm pit length when I was younger and I WAS known as the black girl with the long hair in elementary school. I give my mom THAT. But, I explained to her that she took good care of the CHEMICALLY ALTERED version of my hair. The reason she had relaxed my hair in the first place was because she had been frustrated and didn't know what to do with it anymore. Like many of the mothers of the ladies on this forum, she took the easy route.
Well, she sure didn't like being told that lol. She finally cracked and told me that my hair had "gone through stages" from the time I was born up until the time she decided to relax it. Apparently I was born with wavy-ish hair. By the time I was a toddler it was curly. Finally, she said by the time I was four going on five it had lost its curl because it had become a dry mess.
Well gee mom, "why was it a dry mess? Why didn't you moisturize it?!"
She argued that she did moisturize it. "WITH WHAT?" I demanded. She had the nerve to tell me that she used that Just For Me detangler spray to moisturize it. WHAT?! That's not moisturizing! I couldn't even begin to imagine how many forms of alcohol were used in that spray. And that was the only thing she put in my hair? No wonder it was dry!I asked some smaller questions like whether she had used a wide tooth comb to detangle or not. She ignored me and if I know my mother at all I know that was her way of saying "no."
Here's the icing on the cake: I asked her how often she had washed my hair prior to relaxing it for the first time. I was just curious. Her answer? Every two weeks, whenever she washed her own. Can you imagine? Nothing being used on natural 3c/4a hair except shampoo (which I'm sure was loaded with drying sulfates), conditioner and alcohol-based detangler spray. For YEARS. No wonder my hair had turned into a dry mess.
Still, even tough it was really dry I doubt that would completely change my curl pattern. Perhaps it appeared that my curls went away because they had been deprived of moisture for so long. I mean, after all she only washed every two weeks with SHAMPOO followed by the alcohol-based spray and didn't moisturize my hair in between washes...Does it make sense that my hair would have become extremely dry after years of this routine? Wouldn't it have been hard to bring my curls back to life without an extremely moisturizing conditioner/treatment (which my mom had NO idea about back then)?
Now that I know what her 'regimen' was for me back then, it makes more sense why she considered my hair too unmanageable to keep it natural. Granted, she COULD HAVE done more to keep it moisturize but I know at the time there was a lack of knowledge in the black community on how to care for natural hair properly and it was easier to just relax it. Having this information makes me feel like a spirit who was trapped here because of "unfinished business." I feel like my spirit can rest now that I know why my mom relaxed and I know that no, I wasn't BORN with "nappy, unmanageable" hair, it BECAME that way because my mother didn't really know what she was doing.
seriously.
.
erplexed
