I Finally Know Why My Mom Really Relaxed My Hair

[drappedup]

Now that I know what her 'regimen' was for me back then, it makes more sense why she considered my hair too unmanageable to keep it natural. Granted, she COULD HAVE done more to keep it moisturize but I know at the time there was a lack of knowledge in the black community on how to care for natural hair properly and it was easier to just relax it. Having this information makes me feel like a spirit who was trapped here because of "unfinished business." I feel like my spirit can rest now that I know why my mom relaxed and I know that no, I wasn't BORN with "nappy, unmanageable" hair, it BECAME that way because my mother didn't really know what she was doing.

Wow......this is exactly how I'm feeling. erplexed

Since I bothered to quit relaxers and stylists and all that mumbo jumbo recently, I have been trying to manage my own hair for the first time ever (like you I was relaxed at age 5 and continuously since then). I've always thought my hair was some weird mutated type (especially after looking at those hair type charts and see none which represented me....or so I thought) of frizz roots and straight strands. Wellllllll, I literally just discovered about 2-3 weeks ago from my mom on the phone while talking to her about how I'm managing my own hair and wondering what it's going to be like once I've been relaxer free for more than a couple of months, and she let it slip that I used to have curly hair as a kid. This was complete WTF to me. I don't remember much about my hair pre-relaxer, just that I'd have a pigtail on each side with scrunchies matching my outfit, lol (I was a well matched kid! ). Anyway, it was really surprising. All of my detailed hair memories are of straight hair. So to find out it was apparently springy is really strange, almost like I have been missing a true chunk of me all along. I have tried to ask her specifics on it, but she's been distracted lately or interrupted, and stuff. Next time I see her in person I am definitely going to sit down with her and ask her for info on it ALL.

I imagine my story is somewhat similar. I know my mom used to comb my hair into pigtails and I have vague memories of that and sometimes my sister (who is/was a beautician who did makeup/hair) doing it too. Then everything post-relaxer is a little clearer. I do remember my mom washing my hair a couple of times, with some of those "just for me" products. It's awful, because my hair is considered the "nappiest" of my siblings. My brothers have short hair and even when grown longer it's just wavy, and my sister has curly hair, but it's thinner and more so 3a type. My hair has always been super thick and full and apparently 3b/c (she said it was like Tia/Tamera in Sister Sister), and so I'm betting she had no clue how to manage it and since we could afford it, started relaxing my hair regularly. I'm not placing blame.....I'm sure it was stressful having to style a little kid's hair with little knowledge and relaxers to the untrained eye don't seem TOO harmful and we could afford it and stuff, so I'm sure it actually seemed like a luxury and plus.

But yeah, I can really relate. I just wish I had known sooner. The part that's upsetting to me is not really the fact that she resorted to relaxing, but more so the fact that I am just NOW finding out this stuff, and that's with me prodding.

 

[drappedup]

Abuse?

Now I've heard it all.erplexed

So just relaxing your child's hair makes you an abusive parent? You can be a GREAT mother, but if you relax your child's hair you automatically becomes an abusive parent?

I can see it now......

*Police knocks at the door and mother opens door *

Police: "Mam, You're under arrest. You have to come down to the station. You're being charged with child abuse. You relaxed your child's hair".

Man! I need to go to bed.

Yeah, I agree......I think saying it's child abuse is maybe going too far. And I'm saying this as a kid who was relaxed earlier on. However, I don't think it should be an option really......I think, nowadays more than ever, women need to be aware there are ways to take care of EVERY type of hair.

Relaxers should be saved for later on.....at least once the tween/teen years set in.....then at least you'd be able to see what the "natural" hair is really continuously and long-term like, and the adolescent can make her own decision on it.

 

[luvn_life]

I totally understand what you mean. I don' think you were truly assaulting her. I think you were tired of hearing her badger you about wanting to go natural so you were calling her on her ignorance to your hair. (we love our mommies but heaven knows they can work a nerve sometime)

So I totally understand your rant. She probably won't be bugging you anymore about going natural. And even if she does... Wait til you BC and she sees those beautiful curls poppin out. She'll be like WHERE DID THOSE COME FROM?!?!? LoL

 

[bkprincesa]

Thank you...And it didn't seem very fair when I found out my mother never got relaxers growing up. Apparently her mother was able to work with her hair. It wasn't until she was 19 years old that she got her first relaxer..which was her own decision

I don't agree with most of you guys. I think putting caustic chemicals on a child's head is abuse and it didn't take any hair forums or special information for me to know that.

 

[bkprincesa]

Thank you so much for your story...It feels good to see that, after all the bashings someone does know how I feel lol. Thank you.

Wow......this is exactly how I'm feeling. erplexed

Since I bothered to quit relaxers and stylists and all that mumbo jumbo recently, I have been trying to manage my own hair for the first time ever (like you I was relaxed at age 5 and continuously since then). I've always thought my hair was some weird mutated type (especially after looking at those hair type charts and see none which represented me....or so I thought) of frizz roots and straight strands. Wellllllll, I literally just discovered about 2-3 weeks ago from my mom on the phone while talking to her about how I'm managing my own hair and wondering what it's going to be like once I've been relaxer free for more than a couple of months, and she let it slip that I used to have curly hair as a kid. This was complete WTF to me. I don't remember much about my hair pre-relaxer, just that I'd have a pigtail on each side with scrunchies matching my outfit, lol (I was a well matched kid! ). Anyway, it was really surprising. All of my detailed hair memories are of straight hair. So to find out it was apparently springy is really strange, almost like I have been missing a true chunk of me all along. I have tried to ask her specifics on it, but she's been distracted lately or interrupted, and stuff. Next time I see her in person I am definitely going to sit down with her and ask her for info on it ALL.

I imagine my story is somewhat similar. I know my mom used to comb my hair into pigtails and I have vague memories of that and sometimes my sister (who is/was a beautician who did makeup/hair) doing it too. Then everything post-relaxer is a little clearer. I do remember my mom washing my hair a couple of times, with some of those "just for me" products. It's awful, because my hair is considered the "nappiest" of my siblings. My brothers have short hair and even when grown longer it's just wavy, and my sister has curly hair, but it's thinner and more so 3a type. My hair has always been super thick and full and apparently 3b/c (she said it was like Tia/Tamera in Sister Sister), and so I'm betting she had no clue how to manage it and since we could afford it, started relaxing my hair regularly. I'm not placing blame.....I'm sure it was stressful having to style a little kid's hair with little knowledge and relaxers to the untrained eye don't seem TOO harmful and we could afford it and stuff, so I'm sure it actually seemed like a luxury and plus.

But yeah, I can really relate. I just wish I had known sooner. The part that's upsetting to me is not really the fact that she resorted to relaxing, but more so the fact that I am just NOW finding out this stuff, and that's with me prodding.

 

[bkprincesa]

I'm glad at least someone understands. Thank you

I totally understand what you mean. I don' think you were truly assaulting her. I think you were tired of hearing her badger you about wanting to go natural so you were calling her on her ignorance to your hair. (we love our mommies but heaven knows they can work a nerve sometime)

So I totally understand your rant. She probably won't be bugging you anymore about going natural. And even if she does... Wait til you BC and she sees those beautiful curls poppin out. She'll be like WHERE DID THOSE COME FROM?!?!? LoL

 

[BostonMaria]

I thought you were much older, you're almost the same age as my oldest DD. I was born in the early 70's and my mom relaxed my hair when I was 10 because that's what everyone else did to their kid. My hair was about wsl (maybe longer, can't remember) and manageable. She relaxed my hair anyway, that's what people did. Less than a year later my hair was neck length and a HAM.

When I had my daughter in 1989 I vowed that I would never put chemicals in her hair and I didn't. She's almost 21 now and has natural hair. I transitioned to natural at the age of 36 and what I realized after speaking to my mom is that she relaxed my hair out of "tradition", because she had 2 babies and was too tired to do my hair every day, and she really didn't mean any harm. Now my DD has her own baby girl and she's able to take good care of her natural hair and it makes me happy to see that I was able to guide her.

I guess you can take away one thing out of all this - if you ever have your own little girl you'll be able to take really good care of her hair.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Yeah, I mean it's def not cool or acceptable to relax 5 year babies hair, but at the same time your mom did the best she could. It sounds like you were a well taken care of child who didn't go without. At least your mom took pride in your appearance and not just her own, which a LOT of moms do. My mom permed mine when I was 8, but I was more than happy and excited to have it, done, LOL...as the lone little black girl in a class full of white girls - I wanted that "silky" hair, LOL. But, now we are adults, we know better, therefore we do better.

Take heart OP, I know you already know your mom did the best she could. {{{Hug}}}

 

[CrissieD]

Do you know how YOUNG 5 is? That is practically a baby. To put dangerous chemicals on a childs head because you are to lazy to brush it into a ponytail,ridiculous. Beyond that, the message it sends to the child is damaging.

 

[CrissieD]

Abuse?

Now I've heard it all.erplexed

So just relaxing your child's hair makes you an abusive parent? You can be a GREAT mother, but if you relax your child's hair you automatically becomes an abusive parent?

I can see it now......

*Police knocks at the door and mother opens door *

Police: "Mam, You're under arrest. You have to come down to the station. You're being charged with child abuse. You relaxed your child's hair".

Man! I need to go to bed.

I guess sometimes "abuse" is relative, but it is definitely bad parenting. Would you consider putting Nair on a 5 y/o legs, or having her go get a chemical peel? Dangerous chemicals & children's skin don't and shouldn't go together.

 

[tatiana]

You must remember at the time your mom relaxed your hair there was a huge marketing campaign for relaxers for children. Mothers thought what they were doing was safe and plus they wanted to get away from the blowdryer/pressing days. IMO I think relaxers back then were not as strong as they are now. Also, only recently type 3c hair was deemed cute.

 

[*CherryPie*]

This post that you just made here is totally ridiculous!!!!!!!

Woman. Now you know ain't nobody gonna put no Nair on no child's legs, or put no chemical peel on no child's face!

See, you made me get country.

I guess sometimes "abuse" is relative, but it is definitely bad parenting. Would you consider putting Nair on a 5 y/o legs, or having her go get a chemical peel? Dangerous chemicals & children's skin don't and shouldn't go together.

 

[drappedup]

Do you know how YOUNG 5 is? That is practically a baby. To put dangerous chemicals on a childs head because you are to lazy to brush it into a ponytail,ridiculous. Beyond that, the message it sends to the child is damaging.

I guess sometimes "abuse" is relative, but it is definitely bad parenting. Would you consider putting Nair on a 5 y/o legs, or having her go get a chemical peel? Dangerous chemicals & children's skin don't and shouldn't go together.

.....I think you're exaggerating. Nair on a kid's leg? For what? There's no hair there! Maybe a better comparison would have been self-tanning or something.

A lot of mothers see it as a luxury for their kid. I know that's how my mom saw things. She couldn't afford to relax my older sister's hair when she was little (even though my sister's hair is less thick), and so since we had enough money for things like that she viewed it as a good thing. At the time I liked going to the salon to get my hair relaxed. It's not as if I didn't want to go and she made me anyway. Now then, if a mother FORCED her child to get their hair relaxed even after protest or dislike, that's clearly a little more serious.

 

[jada1111]

I don't know how old you are but even 5 years ago there were not a lot of product choices.

If she wasn't taught how would she have known? Some people don't even know there are better options. Who would she have thought to ask?

ITA with HC. You now have the opportunity to educate her. If she doesn't listen then you know the motto right? You can show her better than you can tell her.

Charge it to her head and not her heart. Can't change the past but you can have a positive influence on the future.

I don't know if your brother has a biracial child or you were just talking when or if he ever has one either way, you can be there to teach him and his wife or mother of the child when the time comes.

I agree. There wasn't any knowledge when I began 7 or 8 years ago either. Forget asking folks on the street, because they either had it in braids, dreads or styles I wouldn't even think about wearing.

Everything I learned about natural hair I learned on the internet. Thank goodness for the information superhighway.

 

[twinkletoes17]

You just summed up my hair-life, except I was relaxed at age 4.

That Just For Me stuff is the biggest joke on earth... for my hair anyway. It's STICKY and does the absolute opposite of moisturize. My mom still refuses to heed my warnings and continues to use it on my 8 year old sister.

 

[EtherealBlackPearl]

@ *CherryPie* Your hair is beautiful, is it natural or relaxed? And how do you take care of it?

 

[CocoBunny]

I am kind of feeling bad for your mom.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Thank you!

I'm relaxed. I have no fancy regimen. I just "wing it". I try to wash once a week and I DC every time I wash. I moisturize and seal once a day.

Once a month I clarify and porosity control. I wear bangs but I put the back up in a bun or one french braid as often as I can.

That's about it.

Thanks for asking!

@ *CherryPie* Your hair is beautiful, is it natural or relaxed? And how do you take care of it?

 

[NJoy]

Girl, a LOT of moms didn't know or learn how to properly take care of hair. And like someone else said, there weren't a lot of good products around.

My hair was thick and long and my mom did the best that she could. You should see some of my younger year pics. She had NO clue. Listen, I remember when she decided to perm my hair so that it would "be straight and not hurt" when combed. She did the relaxer herself, didn't comb it through, piled it ontop of my head, as if it would just fall straight. My scalp burned to the point that I had steam coming off my head. She took me to the salon the SAME DAY to have a corrective perm done (and told them my sister did it the day before). YOW!!! It took 2 stylists to get that stuff through my hair while killing my RAW scalp. My hair fell out for months afterwards. That was traumatic. But, she meant well. Just didn't know better. Ya can't hold that sort of stuff against your mom. The big picture is, she raised you, kept you safe and did the best that she could to provide for you. Everything else is gravy.

I survived. You survived. Let's just keep it moving with what we know now and keep it growing, mama.

((hugs to you AND your mom))

 

[biancaelyse]

OP,

I feel you. My mom has type 2 hair and always made it clear what a chore my hair was for her growing up - I have very thick type 3B/C hair that looks like 4z hair when it gets too dry. She did not relax my hair at a young age but she was clueless about caring for it. She used the products that were well known in that day - Breck Shampoo, Clairol Cream Rinse and then slapped on some petroleum based pomade. A mess I tell you!! I really hated my hair when I was a kid!!

I don't blame her for what she didn't know. I'm just glad that I know better and my kids now have very healthy hair and we love our natural texture. A relaxer is a choice, not a requirement.