I don't want a relationship, but we can be exclusive (sexually)

ChasingBliss said:
I dont know how to separate my feelings like that. Hats off to the ladies who do this easily. None of it makes sense to me. Im either in 100% or out 100%. I like relationships....whole ones.
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thats a good point. there is certainly a large element of self centeredness inherent in these kinds of relationships. i do it precisely because im in a phase where i dont want to devote myself to a relationship 100%. and on the whole i do generally prefer "half" relationships with almost anyone. my relationship with myself tends to take up most of my time. more often than not i dont have a whole lot to give to someone else when too busy thinking about myself... because when im in a relationship, its too overpowering. i cant do that frequently.

i dont understand whats supposed to be so complicated about this concept though. its the same thing we see with most of the relationships women on this board have. the person who wants the other person is willing to commit to them; the person who doesnt will either not commit or allow just enough to shut them up :lol: its exactly the same thing as women chasing a man down hoping for a relationship and he's not giving it up, except the guy is chasing the woman down. the reason why most women agree to it is the availability of sex and limiting her sexual risk factors (which, no matter what kind of bleach has been deliberately consumed in this thread, everyone knows that fewer partners = fewer risk).
 
bunnycolvin said:
i dont understand whats supposed to be so complicated about this concept though.
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It's really not that complicated.

The phrase thats getting me is "only sex". Sometimes in life that is all a person wants at that time:spinning:. Not everyone will feel that and I personally never, EVER was interested in casual sex, or particularly approved of it before I got into that headspace. I don't think you can understand the benefits unless you've really desired body satisfaction only, or a temporary fling/affair.

Sex is the ultimate goal at that time. Ensuring good quality sex is paramount :yep:. Some women have a few different buddies, some prefer one. Whatever. It's OK for men because they can bust nut in anyone:yawn:. If a woman just goes out and has sex with random's he may have good peen, he may not. He may make you come/enjoy yourself, he may be terrible. He may be able to go 3 x a night, he could be a 1 minute man. Consistent quality and having a regular contact, or a couple of contacts on speed dial that can rock your world benefits women more than men IMO.

Although I don't believe it benefits women like the one described by OP. If a woman wants a relationship, or is interested in a guy on a deeper level then I would definitely advise against sex arrangements! In that situation the woman is compromising, or hoping for something more than what's on offer so the sex arrangement is a loss. It's not the same as a woman who genuinely wants the physical, or a non serious short term thing at that time.
 
yeah, i can clearly see that some women in this thread seem to equate an exclusive sexual relationship with prostitution or a transaction for some reason. i cant debate with that because i dont understand why that equivocation keeps being made. i also would wager there is a difference in understanding based on the woman's ability to orgasm or not, now that youve brought it up.

the guy in the op was just full of it, though :lol: for me getting me to make any kind of commitment is twisting my arm, tbh, even just sexually. and i dont think most men would bother with sexual exclusivity unless they already liked the woman in the first place. the one thing i have really learned is that men are not as hard up for sex as we would like to think, and they can take it or leave it just like we can.
 
bunnycolvin said:
thats a good point. there is certainly a large element of self centeredness inherent in these kinds of relationships. i do it precisely because im in a phase where i dont want to devote myself to a relationship 100%. and on the whole i do generally prefer "half" relationships with almost anyone. my relationship with myself tends to take up most of my time. more often than not i dont have a whole lot to give to someone else when too busy thinking about myself... because when im in a relationship, its too overpowering. i cant do that frequently.
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I almost thought I wrote this :lol:
 
I think sometimes people forget that how you feel today may not necessarily be how you feel TOMORROW. :look:

I've known instances of two consenting adults agreeing to a FWB relationship, or an exclusive sexual "arrangement" and they were perfectly FINE until, one (or both) of them started catching feelings.... :look: :perplexed

I know most people view sex as a casual thing these days, but when you REALLY think about it, sex is actually a very intimate act. Not only that, but there are studies that show that when women have sex, a hormone called Oxytocin is released and feelings of attachment/bonding begin to form. Not ALL women are the same (of course), but this is just something to keep in mind. :yep:
 
bunnycolvin

I almost envy those with this capability. It saves a world of hurt. I know men and women like this. They seem to be able to have sex and leave their feelings out of it. But something tells me that the only reason why a woman can do this is because there is that one thing that holds them back from that full on attraction. You know that total package dude who is single.


Example my friend is in this type of arrangement now. She is able to do this because she only sees him as one thing, a sex object. All other things about him are a turn off. But he is "foine" and good in bed. It's easy for her because he is sooooo not what she wants as a life partner or even a boyfriend.

So my question is, what if dude is the full package....will you still stick to your feelings on exclusive Fwb and act accordingly? Even when mr full package is ready to bounce and give it all to a woman who wants it all. I ramble but I hope somebody gets what I'm trying to ask.
 
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I think thats how most men can do it also tbh.

The woman isn't right for long term for whatever reason. If it was his perfect princess then they get more attached than that.
 
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ChasingBliss said:
I dont know how to separate my feelings like that. Hats off to the ladies who do this easily. None of it makes sense to me. Im either in 100% or out 100%. I like relationships....whole ones.
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Ehhh I think "hats off" is an over compliment. More like "different strokes for different folks"....literally.

It's interesting. Someone isn't worth my time to care about them to have feelings but enough to stick is junk in me and I trust I'm the only one he's stroking with.

No graci.
 
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Sumra said:
I think thats how most men can do it also tbh.

The woman isn't right for long term for whatever reason. If it was his perfect princess then they get more attached than that.
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Yeah but the thing I want to know is ...is that person being honest who they say they are and what the really want and don't want.

It reminds me of when back in the day in my neck of the woods, some young women were saying they didnt want a baby, didn't want to be a baby momma, had too much going for themselves to be a statistic...turned their noses up at women who were...but come find out the only reason why SOME of them portrayed that attitude is because they simply did not find "that dude" who they were truly attracted to.
When he came along, she wound up a "baby momma" after all.


I see so many people especially women say one thing and do another...so I wonder, Is a person being real about what they do not want?

I have another friend. I've known her since we were 12 yrs old. Every time she is in between boyfriends, she talks like this. she will have No attachments, just sex, will keep it moving, and it works as long as they are herbs...but when fly guy comes along....it's a wrap.

One thing I can say (not directing it at anyone here ....just in general)....people lie to themselves a lot. I also think is that at the end of the day, nobody wants to get hurt. Many will do what ever it takes to protect themselves.
 
I see people lying to themselves and others all the time, so I don't doubt men and women do this!
Although I think you're viewing outcomes as intended, when often it's as simple as life happened. Just because someone says they enjoy being single (celibate, or non celibate) doesn't mean they wont bump into someone amazing in a few months, or a year that makes them want to soften, or reconsider their status.

I cannot relate to lying as I do not see the point of lying to oneself. Its one of the main ingredients to a bad romantic life. If I want a love relationship then I will be open to, or seek one. Finding love with a good man isn't hard at all. Similarly when I wanted celibacy/waiting as a virgin then I stuck by those rules. Last time I was single I really wanted to be single for a while and simultaneously wanted a sexual (teacher) experience, so I sought it. There wasn't any hurt, or drama from my ex relationship. Just wanted a break after two nearly back to back long term relationships which is understandable. I definitely think people should be honest with themselves and others.:yep:

I was semi involuntarily celibate for 10 months and dated very attractive and eligible guys in that time, but I still couldn't sit and imagine a relationship. The blasé attitude definitely worried the men I attract as faithVA mentioned, so it was a frustrating time. By the time I managed to get SO to do AssociatesWB I still wanted to be single, but could see being ready for a relationship in the future (maybe 6 months). My heart sank when he started being gooey early on. In the end I made a practical choice to be with him because he turned out to have great qualities, looked at me as if I were the best thing ever invented and understood me on a deep level. I figured I would thank myself later, but I definitely remember being equally torn by my other choices which he knows lol:look:. The relationship wasn't intended, but life happened.

Everyone handles their love life differently though so I cant speak for others. I have a few friends that are really honest like me and a few others that will act like they are ok with something that they aren't. Ah well.:drunk:
 
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Great points Sumra

Human nature definitely does have a say. And I think ultimately we are not meant to want to be alone, but taking needed breaks is definitely a good thing. Something I wish I had done between certain relationships in my past.
I for one always felt the need to be in a relationships so I stayed in one after another. I have had a basically 3 long term ones....my last before marrying was 10 yrs. If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd spend a good amount of it learning myself and just doing me...I would have understood how to be happy a looooong time ago.
 
ChasingBliss said:
Great points Sumra

Human nature definitely does have a say. And I think ultimately we are not meant to want to be alone, but taking needed breaks is definitely a good thing. Something I wish I had done between certain relationships in my past.
I for one always felt the need to be in a relationships so I stayed in one after another. I have had a basically 3 long term ones....my last before marrying was 10 yrs. If I could turn back the hands of time, I'd spend a good amount of it learning myself and just doing me...I would have understood how to be happy a looooong time ago.
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Oh yes:yep:.

2011 was easily the best year of my life waaaay before the sex lol. I really learned to love me even more that year, learned to "be myself" and enjoyed making decisions without someone else to consider lol. Spent quality time alone and a lot of time with great friends. Sometimes the soul pulls you to be single for a reason. I knew I would be open to serious love at some point though, just needed a lil freedom.
 
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ChasingBliss said:
bunnycolvin

I almost envy those with this capability. It saves a world of hurt. I know men and women like this. They seem to be able to have sex and leave their feelings out of it. But something tells me that the only reason why a woman can do this is because there is that one thing that holds them back from that full on attraction. You know that total package dude who is single.


Example my friend is in this type of arrangement now. She is able to do this because she only sees him as one thing, a sex object. All other things about him are a turn off. But he is "foine" and good in bed. It's easy for her because he is sooooo not what she wants as a life partner or even a boyfriend.

So my question is, what if dude is the full package....will you still stick to your feelings on exclusive Fwb and act accordingly? Even when mr full package is ready to bounce and give it all to a woman who wants it all. I ramble but I hope somebody gets what I'm trying to ask.
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I'm glad you brought this up. I've had strictly sexual relationships and it worked for this reason. They were good for sex but had other qualities that eliminated them from being considered boyfriend material. I would not be able to have a casual sex relationship with someone who had everything I was looking for. I would always be looking for it to turn into more.
 
ChasingBliss said:
Yeah but the thing I want to know is ...is that person being honest who they say they are and what the really want and don't want.

It reminds me of when back in the day in my neck of the woods, some young women were saying they didnt want a baby, didn't want to be a baby momma, had too much going for themselves to be a statistic...turned their noses up at women who were...but come find out the only reason why SOME of them portrayed that attitude is because they simply did not find "that dude" who they were truly attracted to.
When he came along, she wound up a "baby momma" after all.


I see so many people especially women say one thing and do another...so I wonder, Is a person being real about what they do not want?

I have another friend. I've known her since we were 12 yrs old. Every time she is in between boyfriends, she talks like this. she will have No attachments, just sex, will keep it moving, and it works as long as they are herbs...but when fly guy comes along....it's a wrap.

One thing I can say (not directing it at anyone here ....just in general)....people lie to themselves a lot. I also think is that at the end of the day, nobody wants to get hurt. Many will do what ever it takes to protect themselves.
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ITA. To me all of this is just a fancy way of saying you want the benefits of physical intimacy and an appealing mate, but you're afraid of getting hurt so you call it something else. Very transparent.

On another note, I sincerely hope folks are using condoms in these kinds of arrangements. Like from the moment the peen is whipped out to the moment the dude jumps off.
 
caltron said:
ITA. To me all of this is just a fancy way of saying you want the benefits of physical intimacy and an appealing mate, but you're afraid of getting hurt so you call it something else. Very transparent.

On another note, I sincerely hope folks are using condoms in these kinds of arrangements. Like from the moment the peen is whipped out to the moment the dude jumps off.
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Shouldn't you be protecting yourself with condoms in any sexual relationship?
 
ChasingBliss said:
bunnycolvin I almost envy those with this capability. It saves a world of hurt. So my question is, what if dude is the full package....will you still stick to your feelings on exclusive Fwb and act accordingly? Even when mr full package is ready to bounce and give it all to a woman who wants it all. I ramble but I hope somebody gets what I'm trying to ask.
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i actually already touched on this... i said earlier in the thread that this kind of relationship wouldnt work for me unless it was someone i knew i didnt want to be with. just because you like a guy doesnt mean hes the one and just because hes not the one, depending on your goals, doesnt mean you have to dump him completely. one of the qualifying rules of a fb is that hes not boyfriend material. yes, that is entirely the point.
ChasingBliss said:
hing I can say (not directing it at anyone here ....just in general)....people lie to themselves a lot. I also think is that at the end of the day, nobody wants to get hurt. Many will do what ever it takes to protect themselves.
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youre gonna do what you want to do but i want to point it its unfair and kind of rude for you to ascribe your feelings to other people. several women in this thread have said "ive done this and this is why it works for me." you and a few others keep insisting what, that we're lying? what youre effectively saying is "you dont really feel that way" and "i know youre saying one thing but im going to tell you that you really mean another thing." thats rude. just because you dont relate to it you dont get to say other people cant have a different perspective. you dont get to say what a person is saying is just a coverup for the perspective you know to be true. no one is denigrating committed monogamous relationships so i dont see why there is a need to be hostile toward other relationship models.

just living life everyday has the potential to get hurt. that can definitely be part of the reason a relationship like this, for a woman, is preferable but its not the only reason. some women dont see a point to it and thats totally valid. but who is anyone to say other perspectives arent valid too?

idk, me personally, any kind of relationship im in its only because it benefits me. i am perfectly ok with being alone and if i choose to have someone recurring in my life its because they provide something i want. why so insistent to paint that as something negative?

its obviously not as great as a real relationship which i think should be obvious. is that why people are getting offended? im capable of doing it and i enjoy it but honestly if we're not in a relationship id rather be "completely" single than sexually exclusive. but i do think if youre seeing someone on a regular basis they have the right to tell you what kind of relationship they need if they are sharing their body with you. not every single person is ok with their single partner having more than one partner even if they arent ready for a relationship. i just think thats fair. you can either roll with it or roll out.

maybe somebody usually does end up catching feelings. thats cool though because it aint gonna be me :lol: if you truly know yourself and what you want you can have any kind of relationship with anyone that you desire. it is really not hard to avoid bad things happening to you if you make the right choices. i choose relationships that wont have negative consequences. FOR ME.

LivingInPeace said:
Shouldn't you be protecting yourself with condoms in any sexual relationship?
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girl please. the second some man starts talking that boyfriend talk the condoms go away. why else we got so many children from unmarried homes running around? let me get an explanation for that, somebody.

i use condoms even in my monogamous relationships even when im on the pill. if anything were gonna prevent me from seeing the relationship clearly it would be unprotected sex. there would be all kinds of cognitive dissonance justifying the relationship even if its not the right one. do people really assume condom use is as simple as "exclusivity,"on any level? um, ew.
 
bunnycolvin said:
i actually already touched on this... i said earlier in the thread that this kind of relationship wouldnt work for me unless it was someone i knew i didnt want to be with. just because you like a guy doesnt mean hes the one and just because hes not the one, depending on your goals, doesnt mean you have to dump him completely. one of the qualifying rules of a fb is that hes not boyfriend material. yes, that is entirely the point.


youre gonna do what you want to do but i want to point it its unfair and kind of rude for you to ascribe your feelings to other people. several women in this thread have said "ive done this and this is why it works for me." you and a few others keep insisting what, that we're lying? what youre effectively saying is "you dont really feel that way" and "i know youre saying one thing but im going to tell you that you really mean another thing." thats rude. just because you dont relate to it you dont get to say other people cant have a different perspective. you dont get to say what a person is saying is just a coverup for the perspective you know to be true. no one is denigrating committed monogamous relationships so i dont see why there is a need to be hostile toward other relationship models.

just living life everyday has the potential to get hurt. that can definitely be part of the reason a relationship like this, for a woman, is preferable but its not the only reason. some women dont see a point to it and thats totally valid. but who is anyone to say other perspectives arent valid too?

idk, me personally, any kind of relationship im in its only because it benefits me. i am perfectly ok with being alone and if i choose to have someone recurring in my life its because they provide something i want. why so insistent to paint that as something negative?

its obviously not as great as a real relationship which i think should be obvious. is that why people are getting offended? im capable of doing it and i enjoy it but honestly if we're not in a relationship id rather be "completely" single than sexually exclusive. but i do think if youre seeing someone on a regular basis they have the right to tell you what kind of relationship they need if they are sharing their body with you. not every single person is ok with their single partner having more than one partner even if they arent ready for a relationship. i just think thats fair. you can either roll with it or roll out.

maybe somebody usually does end up catching feelings. thats cool though because it aint gonna be me :lol: if you truly know yourself and what you want you can have any kind of relationship with anyone that you desire. it is really not hard to avoid bad things happening to you if you make the right choices. i choose relationships that wont have negative consequences. FOR ME.
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I apologize. I didn't mean to sound rude and judgmental. And I understand your view a little better too.
 
I don't believe women are automatically sensible to to have raw sex when they are married lol.
As an extreme example look at all the celebrity mistresses/multiple mistresses that are coming out of the woodwork. I don't believe regular husbands cheat on the same level, but its a fairly common occurrence looking over the entire span of a marriage.

While banking on a promise is a lot more understandable in a marriage, I'm not exactly sure if wives shouldn't protect against human error too:perplexed.

Anyhoo ..casual, alternative, fetishes etc.. used to make me feel ill. I was very conservative and some of my friends wouldn't tell me things because of my reaction. Not just content with saying I didn't like something, I would also make try and make other people feel bad for liking sexual things that I didn't. I still hate the idea of doing stranger sex, threesomes, foot licking, open relationships, swinging etc.. These days I just think "ew for me, but do your thing":lol:. Cba getting riled up, or trying to make people feel bad about their personal decisions/tastes. Sometimes we don't need to understand. It's not the end of the world.
 
I wish I could say more but don't want to get into a debate. It's pretty clear for me. Freedom, self exploration, confidence, hormones, availability, openness, options all contribute. There is absolutely not one negative. *shrug* good thing we all have our own lives to live! I'm loving mine until I chose to change my mind.
 
I know some of y'all don't like this dude's approach but this thread made me think of him. Some of the ladies who are good at separating may also be good at doing what he discusses in this article. Although I haven't had too many bad experiences the few I did have with my exclusive mentality caused a whole heap of pain. I wish I had done many things differently.


http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2014/05/eggs-in-one-basket.html
 
ChasingBliss said:
I know some of y'all don't like this dude's approach but this thread made me think of him. Some of the ladies who are good at separating may also be good at doing what he discusses in this article. Although I haven't had too many bad experiences the few I did have with my exclusive mentality caused a whole heap of pain. I wish I had done many things differently. http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2014/05/eggs-in-one-basket.html
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yeah. hes saying what im saying about men :lol:
 
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