I Don't Understand How Moms Can Be Jealous Of Their Daughters

F

FemmeFatale

Well-Known Member
If I have a daughter, my mission in life would be to make her a way better version of me, prettier, smarter, nicer, better body, everything lol. Like I would be sooo proud to brag and stunt with my kid.

I'm always very puzzled when I meet women that treat their daughters like competition or even worse, like trash.
 
I don't get it either. People tell me that's why my mother was so crazy with me but I can NEVER see myself acting like this with DD. I want her to be so much better than I am! I also see mothers and daughters fighting for the fathers/dh attention which is very weird to me as well. Like dd and dh obviously have a whole different relationship, why would I compete with my child?
 
FemmeFatale said:
I'm always very puzzled when I meet women that treat their daughters like competition or even worse, like trash.
Click to expand...

Have to post another Slate for this one. It helped me understand these women better.

Jealous of My Daughter
I'm jealous of my daughter. How do I stop these feelings?

Question:

I am the mother of a tall, shapely, stunning, 17-year-old daughter. Males of all ages stop in their tracks and openly stare at her. She loves to flirt, but I have coached her about when it is inappropriate (such as with teachers or her friends' fathers). I have worked to help her be strong, secure, and happy with herself, and she definitely is (more than I was at her age and even now). So what's the problem? Me. Every time I look at my daughter, it hurts my self-esteem. I know that's stupid and irrational. I'm happy that she is such an amazing creature, and I absolutely adore her and am proud of her. I look pretty good for my age, but I'm almost 50. I'm in the process of divorcing her absent father, and would like to think I could find happiness with a man. But how can I ever trust them around my daughter? And how can I trust her around them (remember the flirting)? I've started to see a counselor in hopes that I can shore up my self-esteem. What else would you suggest?

Answer:

In the initial telling of the Brothers Grimm story Snow White—about the young girl whose stepmother ordered her killed because she had replaced the older woman as the fairest in the land—the stepmother was actually her mother. I mention this not because your feelings are despicable but because they are archetypal. Both you and your daughter are longing for the attention of men. But since she is experiencing how bewitching her youth and beauty are, and because she's lacked a father's love, this heady power could end up being emotional and physical dynamite. Consider putting aside your own search until your divorce is complete and your daughter has graduated from high school. There is so much unfinished business in your life that you don't sound ready for a relationship now. Your daughter will be gone soon, so see this as a last, sweet year of togetherness—which will also help dilute the poison of your jealousy.

It's good that you are going to a therapist; counseling could be beneficial for your daughter, too—the lousy husband you are shedding is her father. But I have an additional suggestion for shoring up your self-esteem: Take action. Perhaps you have a friend who has an autistic child whom you could watch for a few hours. Maybe someone else is going through chemo and you could bring a weekly dinner for the family. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Take tennis lessons or sign up for a yoga class. Any of this will help foster gratitude for the good things you have in life. Also read some fiction. You will find solace in how great writers like Doris Lessing (The Golden Notebook, The Summer Before the Dark), M.F.K. Fisher (Sister Age), or Alice Munro (any of her short-story collections) have portrayed women struggling with aging, motherhood, and love. And Shakespeare's sonnets are the best summing up of the bittersweet necessity of the fading of beauty.
 
Marking my spot.

I think I get it. If a parent is not happy with their life choices, and then your ass comes along happy, carefree and unburdened by the issues her generation had to face, then you just might be like :rolleyes:

I'm currently experiencing this with my own mother and I'm trying to be more compassionate :(
 
The only time I've witnessed this is when the mother had the daughter fairly young...like a teen mom. They're usually jealous because they feel they missed out on something. My cousin used to do this with her daughter. She had her daughter at 17. Then later had 2 more daughters. When I was in college the oldest daughter was 14-16 and I would take her with me on social outings that were appropriate for age at the time. But after awhile her mother would just come up with reasons out of the blue why she couldn't go with me. Just random stuff. She was just mad, jealous and resentful that her child got to go out and she would have to stay home with her younger kids. It was sad...
 
I dont understand how you could envy your own DNA. I've seen it happen though. One person I know the mom is a stay at home mother and the daughter is a professional. The daughter has a beautiful infectious personality and super smart and ambitious. It seems like the mother is envious that she decided to stay at home and rear her kids instead of getting a job. But she did such a good job with her kids. I'm in awe with both of them. No need for jealousy. I see where they could be coming from though.
 
This is very REAL and can have life-long turbulent consequences for a daughter who experiences such.

I believe there are various levels to it but please know some females have had horrendous things happen to them via a jealous mother.

I endured a childhood where jealousy from my Mother was forever present. Either she tried to live vicariously through me or kill my self-esteem.

I'm grateful that I forgave her prior to her passing but in all honesty what I went through sapped fundamental building blocks that a female receives from a true mother. It affected my sense of self-worth as well as inter-personal relationships.

For if your own biological mother is jealous of you it's a challenge to give yourself what your Mother does not.
 
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Hmmm. I'm wondering if my mom has developed this with regard to me. An ex of mine keeps in touch with her on a pretty regular basis. He called me recently saying that he called her several times, left messages, and hadn't been able to reach her. When I mentioned it to her, she blew off his calls and said "All he does is talk about you anyway." I felt bad because he really loves her like a real mother.
 
Kalia1 said:
This is very REAL and can have life-long turbulent consequences for a daughter who experiences such.

I believe there are various levels to it but please know some females have had horrendous things happen to them via a jealous mother.

I endured a childhood where jealousy from my Mother was forever present. Either she tried to live vicariously through me or kill my self-esteem.

I'm grateful that I forgave her prior to her passing but in all honesty what I went through sapped fundamental building blocks that a female receives from a true mother. It affected my sense of self-worth as well as inter-personal relationships.

For if your own biological mother is jealous of you it's a challenge to give yourself what her Mother does not.
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My mother didn't have a lot growing up. Then she became a pregnant teen. Then after my dad passed she struggled with raising all of us (5). We of course were poor. Ended up homeless twice. Iunno what my family's karma is, but damn, we had it bad.

So me, I drop out of highschool, get my GED, go to college, get a degree, refrain from getting pregnant ever. Parlaying my paychecks on whatever. Living cheaply under my mom. Gallivanting as I please.

I can't totally be mad at her. She literally carried me through fire, hail and brimstone. However, those feelings come through and so I feel guilty when I come home with shopping bags. She didn't have that luxury for a long time. When I say we were poor, I mean we could not even afford a landline phone. We had to bum money from my cousin for pads during that time of the month. #neverforget

I'm good with money, and ever since becoming financially independent at 16, I have not struggled in anyway close. The last couple times I was unemployed I hopped on a plane to vacation.

I try to allay my moms feelings by inviting her out. Trying to engage her in my activities. Taking her to fancy places. She ain't with it, but want to make snide remarks. Smh. Anyway. I feel you sis.
 
I actually think my mother is jealous of me although she will never admit it. She had my sister at 14, married at 16 and didn't finish school. My sister was chronically ill and mom was her caretaker until she passed. She took care of Dad until he passed. First time in her life she only has herself to worry about and she can't even enjoy that thanks to her advancing dementia.

Here I come with my healthy kids, affectionate husband and relative youth. My entry to adulthood was pretty carefree, hers was rife with responsibilities. She doesn't do anything to damage me but she makes odd comments sometimes about my appearance vs hers, my age vs. hers. I have given up on trying to convince her that some of what she is dealing with is self inflicted. It's like talking to Donald Trump's wall.
 
cocosweet said:
I actually think my mother is jealous of me although she will never admit it. I have given up on trying to convince her that some of what she is dealing with is self inflicted. It's like talking to Donald Trump's wall.
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Yep. Self inflicted.

I've been telling my mom that she chooses to put herself into bad situations and then wants to complain later. Isn't there a term for this? Something about martyrdom?

I wonder if this is a common trait amongst jealous mothers. They're just not bold enough to say "no" but resent you because you did or can.
 
Thank God I didn't experience anything like that from my mom...I love that woman! I'm the youngest daughter of 10 kids, so we had some sibling rivalry as kids, but my family is very close.

My two daughters are best things that's ever happened to me. I still shower them with love and gifts, even though they're grown....and I get joy from them doing well and being happy.
 
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I feel this with my mom, never when I was younger. I was tall, lanky, and not cute. :giggle:
My mom was short, curvy , LSLH.

ALL the men loved her. Young, old, black, white, green. My brother's friends (13-17) gushed over her.
I have come into my own.:bdance:All that attention my mother received, has basically tripled for me. We were in the mall, and she said, " Damn,every man that walks by looks at you!"

I hired a personal trainer and she was vehemently against it, she kept saying I didn't need it, I could figure it out myself. Then the week before I start, she tasks me to forward her the exercise and meal plan.:rolleyes:

My trainer had me doing incline intervals on the treadmill. I told my mom, how they kick butt, she tells me, I don't have to do all that and it's silly. I keep doing it of course, and then she decides to join my gym. We go together one day and she literally copies my entire workout.o_O

My mom is in her 50's and has a knee injury, she shouldn't be trying to do my routine so soon she could injury herself. I tried to explain to her, but she was very adamant about keeping up. Her knee hurt so bad the next day, she couldn't get out of bed. Yet she still goes, saying all she needs is Osteo Bi-flex.

My routine had intensified, but I didn't tell her, because she would've tried to do it to keep up with me. It's exhausting. I have to hide things from my own mama, because she has gotten so damn competitive. I avoid going to the gym with her. She caught me one day..LOL and saw my workout had changed, lo and behold, she tried to do it.

My mom would not be at the gym if I weren't going. It's like damn! Let me live, you had your moment, it's my time. She's proud and jealous at the same time. There are other things I've noticed, like buying the same clothes/shoes/accessories I have. She tried to go natural, and now she wants box braids, (I'm wearing box braids as a PS style due to my workouts). I had to verbally tell her, she could not buy everything I had, and that hurt her feelings. :naughty: It's maddening.

Her M.O. is always the same she will try to discourage me from it and then if I proceed, she has to imitate it. She even seems jealous of SO. He is closer to her age, and absolutely dotes on me. She makes comments about him being my lapdog.

I'm trying to encourage her to find things she likes and mingle with the world. I think she'd be better if she had her own life versus time to sit up and compare mine versus hers.
 
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keyawarren said:
My mother didn't have a lot growing up. Then she became a pregnant teen. Then after my dad passed she struggled with raising all of us (5). We of course were poor. Ended up homeless twice. Iunno what my family's karma is, but damn, we had it bad.

So me, I drop out of highschool, get my GED, go to college, get a degree, refrain from getting pregnant ever. Parlaying my paychecks on whatever. Living cheaply under my mom. Gallivanting as I please.

I can't totally be mad at her. She literally carried me through fire, hail and brimstone. However, those feelings come through and so I feel guilty when I come home with shopping bags. She didn't have that luxury for a long time. When I say we were poor, I mean we could not even afford a landline phone. We had to bum money from my cousin for pads during that time of the month. #neverforget

I'm good with money, and ever since becoming financially independent at 16, I have not struggled in anyway close. The last couple times I was unemployed I hopped on a plane to vacation.

I try to allay my moms feelings by inviting her out. Trying to engage her in my activities. Taking her to fancy places. She ain't with it, but want to make snide remarks. Smh. Anyway. I feel you sis.
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@keyawarren

I can totally relate. Just try to do the best you can and not let her actions affect you.
 
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I had a jealous mom, and have a very jealous sister....

My education, therapy has helped me understand the why's - how's.. And move past its affects for the most part.

Yet some of it lingers in my dealings with women. Even a hint of jealousy will turn me off and I will eventually back off relationships with these types..

Two relatives is more than enough in a lifetime.

That said.. I believe that many factors lead them to their jealous natures. Whatever my perceived haves -tipped off their insecurities.
 
I don't understand it either. I do not have this problem at all and reading some of these posts hurts my heart deeply. I admire the strength that those of you who have experienced this with your mothers have had to exhibit to not internalize your mothers' feelings and accept them for who they are.
 
That's how my mother is. She didn't want us going any further in life than she did....which was not very far. Growing up and even now still she gets very jealous when things go good for us. Whenever we were on a path that would make us better off than her in any way she would deter us. I'll never understand it. I want my DD to do everything I didn't, couldn't, or was too fearful to do.
 
I feel sorry for some of these mothers you're describing in here.

My mother has probably wanted to be me from time to time but I shrugged it off. At this age it doesn't really matter anymore. We only had a real clinch once...
 
keyawarren said:
Marking my spot.

I think I get it. If a parent is not happy with their life choices, and then your ass comes along happy, carefree and unburdened by the issues her generation had to face, then you just might be like :rolleyes:

I'm currently experiencing this with my own mother and I'm trying to be more compassionate :(
Click to expand...

This. My mother raised us to get the things in life that she didn't have. Now that we have achieved them, she gets salty sometimes.
 
carcajada said:
I never thought my mother would fall into this category, but after my dad died she changed her view of me as her life changed. And I get it. When you live life thinking people owe you, then it's going to eventually turn towards how you feel about your kids.
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That's how my mom is. She's not a giver, but a taker. Luckily, we are 4 siblings who can take turns...
 
My mother is that way...if you do better than her she will cut you off.

I don't know what she will do when she turns 65. 12 more years ..the clock is ticking.
 
I've got to admit, I was looking at myself in the mirror with DS the other day and I said to myself (in my head) that I need under eye surgery! LOL! The skin under his eyes is so smooth... :D

5 minutes later, I thought - well, I'm almost 50 so who cares if I have some under eye lines?
 
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