I ate his gum....OMG the world ended

[dplyrooted]

Sorry to keep posting. But let me tell you the truth about marriage.

Marriage is a ministry to the 2 people that's in it. Through the vulnerability of marriage, both people can work out their past issues, hurts, and pain, but its not supposed to be on each other, but sometimes that happens. Whatever compassion you have for yourself, the forgiveness, patience and understanding that you want for yourself, you have to love your spouse that same way and have that much compassion to forgive, work with him through issues and problems, hurts and pain that he might have. Marriage is deep, it's not about wedding cakes, dresses, and fairy tails. If you're not ready to have a lifetime ministry with this individual then you aren't ready to marry him. Are you a whole person, do you not have issues, then why do we expect that our spouses won't have them. And instead of judging them, why not roll your sleeves up, and get down and dirty with it,and put in the work to heal this issue, because this selfishness beyond the hurt that it is causing you, is about something deep seated in him that needs to be healed, this is an intimacy issue with him, its about him not sharong his innermost self with you. Marriage aint no punk. But through working out these issues successfully, you will have the most intimate loving caring relationship that you never would have dreamed of, not this surface I's married stuff.

 

[dplyrooted]

deleted*****

 

[TracyNicole]

Oh my. I don't know how to double quote but dplyrooted your posts were on point. I think the reason so many marriages end in divorce is because people aren't prepared for the reality of marriage once the white dress gets folded away. People are so quick to say throw in the towel but I truly feel that if that person is truly for you then you were brought together for a purpose. Sometimes we don't realize that things aren't what they seem on the surface and that we need to come from a place of love and understanding when communicating with our spouses. Just because someone has a loud bark doesn't mean they will bite. I hate how quick people can be to write someone off without taking the time to really know them and what drives them in certain situations. I just wanted to say thank you for your insightful postings dplyrooted.

 

[Triniwegian]

This is why I believe in shacking up before marrige; You never really know someone until you live with them.
Maybe you two just need to mellow down and not be so gong-ho about what you want and rather compromise on what WE want. Remember you are two adults who lived most of your lives apart, it takes a while to become in tune with oneanother's habits.
I am sure you'll be fine, he sems like a great provider and if you guys love eachother, then what more do you need? Definitely do not marry out of convenience or anything else than love.
Good luck to you.

 

[Triniwegian]

And love is what is going to keep you from bashing his head in @ times, never think there is going to be some perfect person out there.

EXACTLY!!! Love lets a lot of shxt slide. If you don't love your spouse, you might end up on the news.

 

[nychaelasymone]

I never entered this believing this was going to be a cake walk but truthfully, everyone has their limits. I can work with him, have worked with him, and tried to love him past his pain but if he doesn't want to help himself than what am I to do? We did talk and he's now fully aware of my issues with him and he wants to do better.

 

[nychaelasymone]

I agree with you on this. I don't mind sharing my stuff but if I bring stuff home a doggie bag, it's mine so when I wake up, I want it to be there. My hair products - lawd help a negro who uses my chelating shampoo just for kicks.

When we first got married, my husband packed all of MY stuff in our bedroom and put it in the basement. The boys cleaned the basement that day and threw away my college diploma, a bible that I had on CD from the library ($300) and - hold your breath - all of my shoes except the two pair and the pair that were on my feet when I left the house.

Now I say all this to say that my husband is very territorial. It's his TV, his washer and dryer, his couch and his set of pots. He will come in and take the remote and change the channel even if we're in the middle of something. I've never met anyone over 15 say the word 'mine' as much as he does.

YET..

He will eat my food in the fridge, wear my socks, sit on my freshly ironed clothes if I lay them over the chair and delete my stuff off DVR if a really good game is on. He's a self-centered a$$ who didn't get a clue until I threatened to leave and he got the understanding that I owned half of everything in the house.

I'm warning you that grown up babies may learn to compromise but it takes divine intervention for them to change. I'm still waiting for the lightening bolt.

Wow, God bless you that's awful

 

[nychaelasymone]

OP if you guys have been together for such a long time you should really open the lines of communication on this issue. When DH and I first moved in we had a similar problem. I had lived on my own for years and was used to having things just the way I liked it. It was very difficult to adjust to having someone in my space. I really hated that I would be thinking about going home to something like the last ice cream cone and get there and it's gone.

We had to really work together over months to reach some sort of compromise. I won't even lie and say I was always nice in my "communications" We came to realize that we just have different background and have to work a little harder to accomodate each other. I was raised in a household were if you didn't buy it yourself then you didn't touch it unless someone offered it to you. Seriously. So I would get upset because to me it was a huge trespass on my personal belongings.

Now five years later I've learned how to work around it and he's done the same. Mainly I have a room to myself in our home that he doesn't bother with and he has the same. As for our food issues, I learned to shop in bulk. When we bought our first house we expressly looked for some place with a ton of kitchen storage space. It no longer makes sense to fight about him drinking all the juice. I buy it in cases and I never let the stuff I like run out.

If you really care about your fiance don't walk out on your engagement and future marriage without attempting to discern through prayer whether or not he is the man God intended for you. Also, don't throw it away without determining if something else is behind his behavior. Believe it or not, one of the most common things couples fight about after moving in or marriage is finances. Maybe he isn't as okay with the financial situation as he first thought he would be. I am not making excuses for him BUT if that is the case it could explain why he is so aggressive about his stuff. And if it is the case it might be cause for a serious evaluation of your life's goals. I know someone who married and got pregnant and left her job to raise the baby. That man shames her with the way he treats her about all "his" stuff. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with working your situation out and hope this execessively long post helps

Thank you this helps alot

 

[nychaelasymone]

Sorry to keep posting. But let me tell you the truth about marriage.

Marriage is a ministry to the 2 people that's in it. Through the vulnerability of marriage, both people can work out their past issues, hurts, and pain, but its not supposed to be on each other, but sometimes that happens. Whatever compassion you have for yourself, the forgiveness, patience and understanding that you want for yourself, you have to love your spouse that same way and have that much compassion to forgive, work with him through issues and problems, hurts and pain that he might have. Marriage is deep, it's not about wedding cakes, dresses, and fairy tails. If you're not ready to have a lifetime ministry with this individual then you aren't ready to marry him. Are you a whole person, do you not have issues, then why do we expect that our spouses won't have them. And instead of judging them, why not roll your sleeves up, and get down and dirty with it,and put in the work to heal this issue, because this selfishness beyond the hurt that it is causing you, is about something deep seated in him that needs to be healed, this is an intimacy issue with him, its about him not sharong his innermost self with you. Marriage aint no punk. But through working out these issues successfully, you will have the most intimate loving caring relationship that you never would have dreamed of, not this surface I's married stuff.

Thank you, definitely more food for thought.

 

[nappystorm]

um to be honest I might get mad at you as well.

Some small things people buy just for themselves and then when someone goes and takes it and doesn't think anything is wrong it can get quite annoying. I don't mind sharing but certain things I'd rather you ask. Especially if you do other things/all the time. I don't appreciate you not caring because bri doesn't get angry/wouldn't say no anyway/is nice. If you can say I can't touch your stuff/can't have any wouldn't you suspect I might have things I don't want to share.

I bought bananas for my shakes and everyone has been eating them. Which is kinda bothersome but I'm like okay/w/e. But one of my brothers either dumped or drank the shake I made and I'm pretty upset. Why not make your own/not touch mine? It's not like I don't let everyone borrow my stuff anyway, why can't I have some things I like just for me?

Hmm maybe I'm petty I can see why your bf is doing things about not letting you touch his laptop or his clothing. Both of those have happened to me and well I'd rather it not happen again. :/ I also have ways my papers are arranged if they are moved it really throws off my concentration and sometimes I can't find things later that I need.

That said, your bf seems to be a bit extreme with it and if he's mean spirited so idk.

ITA. Is he an Aries? I get super annoyed and rather nasty about stuff like that too. I will buy you your own before I let you use mine. IDK, I've just always been like that. It drives my family crazy. My ex and his friends ate my entire pack of girl scout cookies and I clowned for weeksI even sent his friends a nasty little text message.

If he is sweet otherwise (like myself), I say try to work it out. If not, KIM. I've heard several people in long term marriages say the secret to a long marriage is seperate bedrooms.

 

[nychaelasymone]

ITA. Is he an Aries? I get super annoyed and rather nasty about stuff like that too. I will buy you your own before I let you use mine. IDK, I've just always been like that. It drives my family crazy. My ex and his friends ate my entire pack of girl scout cookies and I clowned for weeksI even sent his friends a nasty little text message.

If he is sweet otherwise (like myself), I say try to work it out. If not, KIM. I've heard several people in long term marriages say the secret to a long marriage is seperate bedrooms.

Yup, he's an Aries! He is sweet otherwise and does take excellent care of his family. Right now, I'm 'honing' in on his mean side cause it has truly been eating at me. Today, right now in this moment, after we had a very blunt talk w/ me doing the talking and him listening.....it appears we may be able to work this out. Actions speak louder than words and I will give us an opportunity to work on things

 

[nappystorm]

Yup, he's an Aries! He is sweet otherwise and does take excellent care of his family. Right now, I'm 'honing' in on his mean side cause it has truly been eating at me. Today, right now in this moment, after we had a very blunt talk w/ me doing the talking and him listening.....it appears we may be able to work this out. Actions speak louder than words and I will give us an opportunity to work on things

See, I can recognize one of my own. We can be a little selfish and blunt but deep down we are wonderful people. Very loyal and caring.

 

[kbragg]

OP if you guys have been together for such a long time you should really open the lines of communication on this issue. When DH and I first moved in we had a similar problem. I had lived on my own for years and was used to having things just the way I liked it. It was very difficult to adjust to having someone in my space. I really hated that I would be thinking about going home to something like the last ice cream cone and get there and it's gone.

We had to really work together over months to reach some sort of compromise. I won't even lie and say I was always nice in my "communications" We came to realize that we just have different background and have to work a little harder to accomodate each other. I was raised in a household were if you didn't buy it yourself then you didn't touch it unless someone offered it to you. Seriously. So I would get upset because to me it was a huge trespass on my personal belongings.

Now five years later I've learned how to work around it and he's done the same. Mainly I have a room to myself in our home that he doesn't bother with and he has the same. As for our food issues, I learned to shop in bulk. When we bought our first house we expressly looked for some place with a ton of kitchen storage space. It no longer makes sense to fight about him drinking all the juice. I buy it in cases and I never let the stuff I like run out.

If you really care about your fiance don't walk out on your engagement and future marriage without attempting to discern through prayer whether or not he is the man God intended for you. Also, don't throw it away without determining if something else is behind his behavior. Believe it or not, one of the most common things couples fight about after moving in or marriage is finances. Maybe he isn't as okay with the financial situation as he first thought he would be. I am not making excuses for him BUT if that is the case it could explain why he is so aggressive about his stuff. And if it is the case it might be cause for a serious evaluation of your life's goals. I know someone who married and got pregnant and left her job to raise the baby. That man shames her with the way he treats her about all "his" stuff. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with working your situation out and hope this execessively long post helps

This helps me a LOT! Thank you so much it's been a HUGE blessing for me. I'm soooo glad I got a Cstco Membership for Christmas now

 

[TracyNicole]

This helps me a LOT! Thank you so much it's been a HUGE blessing for me. I'm soooo glad I got a Cstco Membership for Christmas now

It is a lifesaver I don't spend that much more than I normally do and it cuts down on stupid arguments. I think of it as an investment in my sanity!

 

[Glamorous_chic]

nychaelasymone- has he always been this mean and selfish? or has it gotten worse? idk, i can sort of understand some of his points, b/c little things tick me off. i too have had clothes ruined, papers deleted b/c someone closed out the document or turned off the computer (maybe it was my fault for not saving) food eaten. and those things piss me off to no end, but i'm far from mean and selfish. to you it may seem like whats the big deal, but to him those things are important.

i do agree with the other posters however that i can be a red flag, and he's using reverse psychology to keep you from snooping. so it could go either way. maybe he's one of those individuals who has to have things sorted out their way or maybe he's being sneaky. who knows. but, i do think it may take longer than 2 months for you two to get used to living with each other. but, i agree that you two have to talk things out so that you two know each others expectations and quirks. and not being given commands like an animal being house trained. so, i'm sure you know him better than anyone here, so you know his true character.

but i do have to ask, why you would be in a relationship with someone with those qualities or characteristics. or are you just venting b/c you're really upset?

 

[nychaelasymone]

nychaelasymone- has he always been this mean and selfish? or has it gotten worse? idk, i can sort of understand some of his points, b/c little things tick me off. i too have had clothes ruined, papers deleted b/c someone closed out the document or turned off the computer (maybe it was my fault for not saving) food eaten. and those things piss me off to no end, but i'm far from mean and selfish. to you it may seem like whats the big deal, but to him those things are important.

i do agree with the other posters however that i can be a red flag, and he's using reverse psychology to keep you from snooping. so it could go either way. maybe he's one of those individuals who has to have things sorted out their way or maybe he's being sneaky. who knows. but, i do think it may take longer than 2 months for you two to get used to living with each other. but, i agree that you two have to talk things out so that you two know each others expectations and quirks. and not being given commands like an animal being house trained. so, i'm sure you know him better than anyone here, so you know his true character.

but i do have to ask, why you would be in a relationship with someone with those qualities or characteristics. or are you just venting b/c you're really upset?

I was venting in the original message and we've since talked and hopefully things will get better as we continue to adjust to this living situation.

 

[QT]

G.U.M that is so petty. imaging if its something was more serious you all will be in divorce court.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

nychaelasymone glad it worked out. i figured you were probably just really mad and needed somewhere to get the anger of your chest, and needed to vent. i get like that some times as well. good luck with everything.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I was venting in the original message and we've since talked and hopefully things will get better as we continue to adjust to this living situation.

All the best....you should buy him a pack of gum and wrap it all up with a bow on it and then...put it in a gift bag with a bunch of tissue paper with a card that tells him...how much you love him!

 

[nychaelasymone]

All the best....you should buy him a pack of gum and wrap it all up with a bow on it and then...put it in a gift bag with a bunch of tissue paper with a card that tells him...how much you love him!

I thought about that and was actually tempted to buy a huge pack from Costco.....but instead on Christmas, I put one pack in each pocket of his favorite coat.....and said nothing. Needless to say, he was a little ashamed.