I ate his gum....OMG the world ended

[nychaelasymone]

I'm just venting. Prayerfully this is just growing pains but if not, this is a prime example why you can't just marry solely for love.

We have an agreement that while we are shaking for 6 months that he pays all the bills and I save solely for the wedding, buy the groceries, and any other financial help that he may need. We've been fighting a lot over 'territorial' and 'selfish' things. For example, he purchased a 3 pack of gum, I ate 2 packs out of it...he's mad cause I didn't share and he asks that I replace them. I grew up in a house where if something got eaten, it was replaced, no big deal. But I understand, if it's his...it's his right? Truthfully, the pettiness is eating at me. Don't touch his office, don't wash his clothes, don't touch his papers in his office, don't touch his laptop, don't touch his phone, don't touch nothing....I'm beginning to feel like marriage may not be for me. I like a clean home and peace.

 

[rafikichick92]

This reminds me of my brother. I ate one stick, one stick of his gum and he went wild on me, demanding that I spit it out, calling me stupid, throwing stuff in my face. My BF on the other hand ... I've drunk half of his strawberry virgin daqiri (sp?) and eaten half of his food uninvited without him even batting an eye. Men are strange creatures, I tell you. Good luck figuring things out.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

It doesn't sound like his "Me" is turning into "Us"...and sounding moreso that since he is paying the bills...that he can run things like he wants to and that since you are only saving and "not" paying the bills the least you can do is replace them...and I don't like the dictating of things...I'm not your child I'm supposed to be your other...maybe sitting down and sharing with him...about how he is currently treating you and how it feels and once pointed out...step back and observe...see if it changes if not and it continues well...you will have to make a decision on whether or not marriage "at this time" will be for you...

 

[song_of_serenity]

Don't write off marriage...maybe it won't be suited to this particular person. :/ He's being very singleminded when it comes to things. Over gum? come on.

 

[nychaelasymone]

'they' say, you never know a person until you live with them. Maybe living together was a great idea, cause I'm not sure if marriage with him will work. I'll give it a good honest try but I dont' care how much money I've already spent, I will not live with someone and be unhappy.

 

[spelmanlocks]

He is definitely being selfish. My husband has access to everything I own and I have access to everything he owns. Otherwise, we may as well just be roomates. DH and I lived together before marriage also, so I know its a process, there were definitely some problems in the beginning but we made it through. I also suggest taking pre-marital counseling. Many churches offer it at very discounted prices or even free.

 

[michelle81]

I'm just venting. Prayerfully this is just growing pains but if not, this is a prime example why you can't just marry solely for love.

We have an agreement that while we are shaking for 6 months that he pays all the bills and I save solely for the wedding, buy the groceries, and any other financial help that he may need. We've been fighting a lot over 'territorial' and 'selfish' things. For example, he purchased a 3 pack of gum, I ate 2 packs out of it...he's mad cause I didn't share and he asks that I replace them. I grew up in a house where if something got eaten, it was replaced, no big deal. But I understand, if it's his...it's his right? Truthfully, the pettiness is eating at me. Don't touch his office, don't wash his clothes, don't touch his papers in his office, don't touch his laptop, don't touch his phone, don't touch nothing....I'm beginning to feel like marriage may not be for me. I like a clean home and peace.

If you don't mind, how long have you two been together?

Also, before moving in were you ever at his place and ate his food without asking or getting permission?

This type of stuff, above, would mean love to me. I think part of love/marriage is learning/being open to share everything.

 

[nychaelasymone]

If you don't mind, how long have you two been together?

Also, before moving in were you ever at his place and ate his food without asking or getting permission?

This type of stuff, above, would mean love to me. I think part of love/marriage is learning/being open to share everything.

4 1/2 years we've been together. I rarely made visits to his house but I would often taste food off his plate w/out asking.

He feels love/marriage is about sharing tooo but more me sharing everything and him having excuses as to why I can't touch his stuff....

laptop....can't touch that because I closed browsers in the past that he had open w/research on it

office...can't touch that cause he has papers everywhere in his own special order

clothes...can't wash those because I washed one Jersey in the past and the lettering got damaged (read the label but still got damaged) but everything else I washed in the past was a-ok

phone.....Iphone, Just can't touch it nor know the password to access it (I know it's big fat red flag...no need to beat me)

gum...apologized this morning for over reacting while trying to get some

house....can't clean his bathroom or anything else of his....why? cause he wants to do it himself.

guess what? I don't want to have any form of relations w/ him cause I'm stressed out w/ this living situation. I don't know if I'm coming or going. He's just a mean person and I attribute that to him being the only male in his family and his sisters and mothers taking advantage of him

 

[jamerichameleon]

How long have you been living together?

When DH and I moved in together, about 8 months before we got married we went through some territorial stuff as well. We were both used to living in our own places and had to get used to someone else being there. We fought over closet space, bathroom space, and all kinds of stuff. We eventually got used to it and each other but we did a lot of talking during that transition time as well.

What were/are his expectations of you being there? Is he thinking you two will live like roomies forever? Communication is best in this situation; I wouldn't rule out marriage just yet.

 

[Candygirl]

You'd better step back and observe him alot more because if he's this petty over little things like this..just wait til you're married and he may go full blown on ya. He may want to keep you locked in the house and get "territorial" in this area too. All the weirdness creeps in when you say"I DO". Pray about him.

 

[Theresamonet]

laptop....can't touch that because I closed browsers in the past that he had open w/research on it

office...can't touch that cause he has papers everywhere in his own special order

clothes...can't wash those because I washed one Jersey in the past and the lettering got damaged (read the label but still got damaged) but everything else I washed in the past was a-ok

phone.....Iphone, Just can't touch it nor know the password to access it (I know it's big fat red flag...no need to beat me)

gum...apologized this morning for over reacting while trying to get some

house....can't clean his bathroom or anything else of his....why? cause he wants to do it himself.

ALLLLL of this is a big red flag to me. It seems like more than just petty selfishness to me. You need to keep your eyes open and watch his every move before you marry him.

 

[Makenzie]

Sounds like my ex husband. He was a selfish negro. He'd have a fit if I opened a magazine wrapper. He wanted to do that. everything was divided, either his or mine. Food included. Wouldn't share nothing with me. I hate that type attitude. I felt like his room mate.

 

[intergalacticartist]

Damn, he's mean as hell...

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Is this financial agreement where he pays the bills and you not something that was MUTUALLY (through conversation) agreed upon?

 

[nychaelasymone]

Is this financial agreement where he pays the bills and you not something that was MUTUALLY (through conversation) agreed upon?

Yes it was

 

[nychaelasymone]

How long have you been living together?

When DH and I moved in together, about 8 months before we got married we went through some territorial stuff as well. We were both used to living in our own places and had to get used to someone else being there. We fought over closet space, bathroom space, and all kinds of stuff. We eventually got used to it and each other but we did a lot of talking during that transition time as well.

What were/are his expectations of you being there? Is he thinking you two will live like roomies forever? Communication is best in this situation; I wouldn't rule out marriage just yet.

It's been 2 months. I have my limitations and I'm going to give this one good try but I'm not ruling out walking away

 

[chicitygirl]

Have you talked to him about his selfishness and mean attitude? I think you should at least make him aware of your feelings so he has the opportunity to hear you out and correct the behavior. I'd hate for you to just peace out after over four years in a relationship without him being given the chance to change.

 

[BGT]

This reminds me of my brother. I ate one stick, one stick of his gum and he went wild on me, demanding that I spit it out, calling me stupid, throwing stuff in my face. My BF on the other hand ... I've drunk half of his strawberry virgin daqiri (sp?) and eaten half of his food uninvited without him even batting an eye. Men are strange creatures, I tell you. Good luck figuring things out.

Aww.. you guys are dating now? Congrats for getting your crush!

 

[brg240]

um to be honest I might get mad at you as well.

Some small things people buy just for themselves and then when someone goes and takes it and doesn't think anything is wrong it can get quite annoying. I don't mind sharing but certain things I'd rather you ask. Especially if you do other things/all the time. I don't appreciate you not caring because bri doesn't get angry/wouldn't say no anyway/is nice. If you can say I can't touch your stuff/can't have any wouldn't you suspect I might have things I don't want to share.

I bought bananas for my shakes and everyone has been eating them. Which is kinda bothersome but I'm like okay/w/e. But one of my brothers either dumped or drank the shake I made and I'm pretty upset. Why not make your own/not touch mine? It's not like I don't let everyone borrow my stuff anyway, why can't I have some things I like just for me?

Hmm maybe I'm petty I can see why your bf is doing things about not letting you touch his laptop or his clothing. Both of those have happened to me and well I'd rather it not happen again. :/ I also have ways my papers are arranged if they are moved it really throws off my concentration and sometimes I can't find things later that I need.

That said, your bf seems to be a bit extreme with it and if he's mean spirited so idk.

 

[nychaelasymone]

um to be honest I might get mad at you as well.

Some small things people buy just for themselves and then when someone goes and takes it and doesn't think anything is wrong it can get quite annoying. I don't mind sharing but certain things I'd rather you ask. Especially if you do other things/all the time. I don't appreciate you not caring because bri doesn't get angry/wouldn't say no anyway/is nice. If you can say I can't touch your stuff/can't have any wouldn't you suspect I might have things I don't want to share.

I bought bananas for my shakes and everyone has been eating them. Which is kinda bothersome but I'm like okay/w/e. But one of my brothers either dumped or drank the shake I made and I'm pretty upset. Why not make your own/not touch mine? It's not like I don't let everyone borrow my stuff anyway, why can't I have some things I like just for me?



Hmm maybe I'm petty I can see why your bf is doing things about not letting you touch his laptop or his clothing. Both of those have happened to me and well I'd rather it not happen again. :/ I also have ways my papers are arranged if they are moved it really throws off my concentration and sometimes I can't find things later that I need.

That said, your bf seems to be a bit extreme with it and if he's mean spirited so idk.

I totally respect what you are saying and yes he is extreme and can be very mean and that alone gets under my skin. I can respect people's things, areas, and anything else but he doesn't have to be nasty about it

 

[LongiLox]

^^^And also, where do you draw the line? Is he going to have to make a list of things that you can or cannot touch? That's not a marriage. That's more of 'We're strangers, please don't touch my things without permisson.'

 

[TracyNicole]

OP if you guys have been together for such a long time you should really open the lines of communication on this issue. When DH and I first moved in we had a similar problem. I had lived on my own for years and was used to having things just the way I liked it. It was very difficult to adjust to having someone in my space. I really hated that I would be thinking about going home to something like the last ice cream cone and get there and it's gone.

We had to really work together over months to reach some sort of compromise. I won't even lie and say I was always nice in my "communications" We came to realize that we just have different background and have to work a little harder to accomodate each other. I was raised in a household were if you didn't buy it yourself then you didn't touch it unless someone offered it to you. Seriously. So I would get upset because to me it was a huge trespass on my personal belongings.

Now five years later I've learned how to work around it and he's done the same. Mainly I have a room to myself in our home that he doesn't bother with and he has the same. As for our food issues, I learned to shop in bulk. When we bought our first house we expressly looked for some place with a ton of kitchen storage space. It no longer makes sense to fight about him drinking all the juice. I buy it in cases and I never let the stuff I like run out.

If you really care about your fiance don't walk out on your engagement and future marriage without attempting to discern through prayer whether or not he is the man God intended for you. Also, don't throw it away without determining if something else is behind his behavior. Believe it or not, one of the most common things couples fight about after moving in or marriage is finances. Maybe he isn't as okay with the financial situation as he first thought he would be. I am not making excuses for him BUT if that is the case it could explain why he is so aggressive about his stuff. And if it is the case it might be cause for a serious evaluation of your life's goals. I know someone who married and got pregnant and left her job to raise the baby. That man shames her with the way he treats her about all "his" stuff. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with working your situation out and hope this execessively long post helps

 

[deltadreamland]

Sorry to be the lone pessimist here, but he sounds like he has some things to hide-and he's just being an *** for no reason He's treating you like a child, not a future spouse. I tell my 3 year old not to touch certain things or enter certain rooms, not an adult that is supposed to be my spouse. I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. This has to be a miserable way to live. Wishing you the best.

4 1/2 years we've been together. I rarely made visits to his house but I would often taste food off his plate w/out asking.

He feels love/marriage is about sharing tooo but more me sharing everything and him having excuses as to why I can't touch his stuff....

laptop....can't touch that because I closed browsers in the past that he had open w/research on it- Is he serious? You're grown. Just don't close his open browsers anymore..problem solved.

office...can't touch that cause he has papers everywhere in his own special order-Again seriously? As long as you don't throw anything away, the world should not end.

clothes...can't wash those because I washed one Jersey in the past and the lettering got damaged (read the label but still got damaged) but everything else I washed in the past was a-ok-And he hasn't moved past this yet? He's still holding on to you damaging one shirt? Shirts can be replaced.

phone.....Iphone, Just can't touch it nor know the password to access it (I know it's big fat red flag...no need to beat me) WOW

gum...apologized this morning for over reacting while trying to get some

house....can't clean his bathroom or anything else of his....why? cause he wants to do it himself.

guess what? I don't want to have any form of relations w/ him cause I'm stressed out w/ this living situation. I don't know if I'm coming or going. He's just a mean person and I attribute that to him being the only male in his family and his sisters and mothers taking advantage of him

 

[discobiscuits]

IMO, you should not be shacking and you two don't need to marry each other based on what you've written

 

[apemay1969]

um to be honest I might get mad at you as well.

Some small things people buy just for themselves and then when someone goes and takes it and doesn't think anything is wrong it can get quite annoying. I don't mind sharing but certain things I'd rather you ask. Especially if you do other things/all the time. I don't appreciate you not caring because bri doesn't get angry/wouldn't say no anyway/is nice. If you can say I can't touch your stuff/can't have any wouldn't you suspect I might have things I don't want to share.

I bought bananas for my shakes and everyone has been eating them. Which is kinda bothersome but I'm like okay/w/e. But one of my brothers either dumped or drank the shake I made and I'm pretty upset. Why not make your own/not touch mine? It's not like I don't let everyone borrow my stuff anyway, why can't I have some things I like just for me?

Hmm maybe I'm petty I can see why your bf is doing things about not letting you touch his laptop or his clothing. Both of those have happened to me and well I'd rather it not happen again. :/ I also have ways my papers are arranged if they are moved it really throws off my concentration and sometimes I can't find things later that I need.

That said, your bf seems to be a bit extreme with it and if he's mean spirited so idk.

I agree with you on this. I don't mind sharing my stuff but if I bring stuff home a doggie bag, it's mine so when I wake up, I want it to be there. My hair products - lawd help a negro who uses my chelating shampoo just for kicks.

When we first got married, my husband packed all of MY stuff in our bedroom and put it in the basement. The boys cleaned the basement that day and threw away my college diploma, a bible that I had on CD from the library ($300) and - hold your breath - all of my shoes except the two pair and the pair that were on my feet when I left the house.

Now I say all this to say that my husband is very territorial. It's his TV, his washer and dryer, his couch and his set of pots. He will come in and take the remote and change the channel even if we're in the middle of something. I've never met anyone over 15 say the word 'mine' as much as he does.

YET..

He will eat my food in the fridge, wear my socks, sit on my freshly ironed clothes if I lay them over the chair and delete my stuff off DVR if a really good game is on. He's a self-centered a$$ who didn't get a clue until I threatened to leave and he got the understanding that I owned half of everything in the house.

I'm warning you that grown up babies may learn to compromise but it takes divine intervention for them to change. I'm still waiting for the lightening bolt.

 

[kayte]

When we first got married, my husband packed all of MY stuff in our bedroom and put it in the basement. The boys cleaned the basement that day and threw away my college diploma, a bible that I had on CD from the library ($300) and - hold your breath - all of my shoes except the two pair and the pair that were on my feet when I left the house.

this makes me want to cry and then
kill

no not a human
but....a killing rage

what kind of message and contract have you
agreed to with this

...wow
sorry
I'm just so upset for you..

 

[kayte]

First of all@the title

I ate his gum....OMG the world ended

I'm just venting. Prayerfully this is just growing pains but if not, this is a prime example why you can't just marry solely for love.

The engagement period can be one of the most stressful...
so I would not make decisions ..as you have wisely decided not to do
but to
note the red flags as you are doing
to monitor your feelings
keep communication open
to pray on it.

take action if you need to

I'm beginning to feel like marriage may not be for me.

yeah..but,that's not marriage..per se
that's possibly marriage...........with him

I lived with someone for 10 years and he was manic about his library
of rare books and music..cld not be touched without permission as he had his own system of filing them..postscript ..when I found he was cheating on me the...first thing I did was re-arrange them,pull them off the shelves and then said heck with it and threw armfuls of them out the 10th floor window


I can understand your financee's need to have his office and laptop....not dickered with but if I had any suspicion..NOW is the time to speak up and acknowledge the red flags ...say I'm not comfortable with us ..not having access to each other's computer and phone..can we talk about that....
and if it's about fidelity....well...having access is not a guarantee....
and if there's some secrecy from giddy-yap..well...I'd take note
most guys do not want their women guessing about any of that
the idea is to offer security..not compromise it
....keep watchful well as with meaness and control issues
see how you feel..

 

[dplyrooted]

When is his birthday?

And sometimes its not what you say, its how you say it. Effective communication is very important in a relationship in a marriage. This is what you are signing up for when you are get married. First off choose your battles, and this sounds like a battle that you are willing to fight. And then figure out a way to get over to him what it is that you want him to see and feel. This problem solver method will need to be used again, and again, and again in any marriage. Yeah he sounds selfish, mean, and extreme, but that's who you love, I believe yall can find a common ground, yall just need tools to find it.

 

[MissYocairis]

wow....dude is on the edge. Why can't you guys share? I don't get it.

 

[dplyrooted]

And love is what is going to keep you from bashing his head in @ times, never think there is going to be some perfect person out there.