I am having such a hard time dealing. I need advice

[autumnbeauty29]

This may be long, so please bear with me I just need advice (if you feel the need to judge me or my actions please do not respond thanks).
I have been off/on with a guy for over 6 years now, we have been through hell and back, now through it again seems like. We met when I was 15 and he was 17 and started a relatopnship then. Everything was all gravy for about two years then I started to feel different about the relationship in general, how I felt I was being treated and strayed, yes I cheated on him, twice during that period. Within that time frame that I was cheating on him, I saw a different side of him that I had never seen before. He changed how he acted toward me, he became much more gentle in the way he spoke to me and treated me and for the very first times actually showed that he loved me. During this time, I found out I was pregnant by one of the guys I was cheating on him with (I actually took the test at my ex's home I didn't want to take it at my own house, he consoled me as I broke down for hours... the whole thing was beyond my wildest imagination). We worked through that, decided to get back together a few months later and here I go off to college.

Fast forward to my first years in college, I ended up going to a college in a different city than he was and the separation became too much for me. Even though we saw each other as much as we could, I felt like I wanted more. I secretly found a boyfriend where I was....this went on for 2 years before my conscience finally got to me. I told the on/off guy in 2005 that "I wanted to find myself and we could not be together anymore". He was truly devastated. For an entire year he wrote me letters, phone calls and visits trying to get back with me but I wasn't having it. I was just playing the field I guess you could say but yeah, we still messed around when we saw each other.... I was still with the "boyfriend" I had.

The boyfriend and I were broken off and a few months ago we decided to give it another try. We have been through the fire with this relationship. When we first started back talking, some old things came up and he said that "I may have to endure like he did". Of course I asked him what he meant and he said that he may have a child on the way but neither one of us thought much about it because we know how cautious he is. Now come September 07 and a baby is born, the test comes back and the baby is his. I am completely devastated, the night he told me I broke down and the next day at work I was just in shock. He drove down so that we could talk about it and we figure we can make it through this, we have everything else, he was not in a relationship with her, it was just a one night fling that resulted in a child. But everytime I see a baby girl or a little girl around 3 my heart tears in two (we miscarried back in 2004).

I have told him that I could deal with this situation and I am honestly giving it a try, but it is so darn difficult. I just cant face the fact that my love had an actual child by someone else. I think most of it is so hard and hurtful for me is because we lost a baby in 2004 and now that girl has something from him that I dont!! I asked him if he would be able to accept if the roles were reverserd, his answer was, "If I was able to accept what you did back then I am able to accept anything. A child would not be a concern." ..... so umm....

sorry it's so long I am just so hurt and confused....Any advice anyone?

 

[aja1121]

Wow......talk about meant to be. As far as the child, I talked about this in another post as well. My mom was with my dad for 5 years, they broke up, he went back to his ex, and she miscarried several times. In 23 years this woman has never said anything to me other than "hi". Her way to deal was not dealing with me at all. A little different because my mom and dad were actually together, but same outcome.

If you choose to deal with it, you have to accept it. And just remember, everything happens for a reason. If you know that his love is strong for you and you feel the same about him than it isn't impossible.

This also happened to a girlfriend of mine, except her fiancee cheated on her after he proposed and then the chick had the baby. She still married him, she got pregnant and then had a miscarriage. I will say, she is very active in her stepchild's life. She forgave him, but he reaped what he sowed when his wife had the miscarriage and he had to see her pain.

 

[autumnbeauty29]

Wow......talk about meant to be. As far as the child, I talked about this in another post as well. My mom was with my dad for 5 years, they broke up, he went back to his ex, and she miscarried several times. In 23 years this woman has never said anything to me other than "hi". Her way to deal was not dealing with me at all.

If you choose to deal with it, you have to accept it. And just remember, everything happens for a reason. If you know that his love is strong for you and you feel the same about him than it isn't impossible.

This also happened to a girlfriend of mine, except her fiancee cheated on her after he proposed and then the chick had the baby. She still married him.

Thanks for your quick response. You're right as far as accepting it and that's the hardest part for me right now maybe because the wound is still fresh. Your friend is really strong and so is her love for her man, that is something to really endure... Your response already sheds a light of hope for me.

 

[Caramela]

Wait, I'm confused... did you have the baby you were pregnant with by the other guy?

 

[aja1121]

Thanks for your quick response. You're right as far as accepting it and that's the hardest part for me right now maybe because the wound is still fresh. Your friend is really strong and so is her love for her man, that is something to really endure... Your response already sheds a light of hope for me.

your so welcomed...fellow scorpio

 

[donna894]

You and he got together so young. Its understandable that you and he would want to get to know other people. Its very rare that people get together so young and then stay together for a lifetime. Also getting tied down to one person so early in life limits your personal growth.

The pain you're experiencing is probably similar to the pain he experienced when you became pregnant. You and he worked it through. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Your relationship is being tested. I hope you two keep talking so that you and he can work through this. Whether you and he remain a couple or not, it would be a shame to lose such a long term relationship.

 

[autumnbeauty29]

Wait, I'm confused... did you have the baby you were pregnant with by the other guy?

Thanks for your concern but that is not the point at hand.

 

[autumnbeauty29]

You and he got together so young. Its understandable that you and he would want to get to know other people. Its very rare that people get together so young and then stay together for a lifetime. Also getting tied down to one person so early in life limits your personal growth.

The pain you're experiencing is probably similar to the pain he experienced when you became pregnant. You and he worked it through. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Your relationship is being tested. I hope you two keep talking so that you and he can work through this. Whether you and he remain a couple or not, it would be a shame to lose such a long term relationship.

We were young and sometimes I think that is what contributed to so much of the drama we went through, we grew at different rates. I so hope the bolded is true and the shoe being on the other foot, I have never thought about it like that before...

 

[p31woman]

Thanks for your concern but that is not the point at hand.

I think that it has a big part in it and would like to know the answer as well.

I dont mean to be rude but I think it rather selfish of you to be having such a "hard time" with it and he dealt with the same issue from you.

Honestly, you should deal with it like he did. As much as he was there for you when the shoe was on the other foot, you need to find that place in your heart that he found in his, and be there for him if you really want to be with him.

 

[SisterGirl*]

Thanks for your concern but that is not the point at hand.

This is simple.
Forgive him and move forward. You painted the picture of the perfect boyfriend, that is kind, forgiving, with a big heart, If you turn on him now, after the hell "he" has gone through, then he may completely loose interest in you.

 

[Farida]

Sweetheart. First a *hug*.

Now onto some tough love. Yes, the two of you have been through the fire. Do you realize what most couples describe as fire? What you described was an inferno that burned everything to pieces.

A couple sticking through fire is a healthy,committed couple going through a rough patch. What the two of you have seems romantic in a ride or die type of movie but in reality it is a dysfunctional relationship.

When a couple dates on and off I believe it is for one of two reasons:
1. They have fights and break up instead of weathering the storm.
2. They have serious problems and shouldn't be together but they keep going back hoping for change or out of loneliness.

Either way it is bad. In case 1, it means they don't have the commitment to succeed as a couple. In case 2 it means they shouldn't be together in the first place.

I would discourage you from pursuing the relationship. The idea is romantic but the fact is, the facts count against the success and happiness of it:
1. You met and dated when you were teens - divorce rate higher.
2. You cheated, more than once - divorce rate higher.
3. You will have a blended family because of the kid - divorce rate higher.
4. You are still below 28 - divorce rate higher
5. His daughter causes you pain

My advice is to let him go. sweetheart, start life afresh. Find yourself a new start, find YOURSELF. Then find a good encumbered man. Life is so much simpler that way.

 

[lexi08]

Sweetheart. First a *hug*.

Now onto some tough love. Yes, the two of you have been through the fire. Do you realize what most couples describe as fire? What you described was an inferno that burned everything to pieces.

A couple sticking through fire is a healthy,committed couple going through a rough patch. What the two of you have seems romantic in a ride or die type of movie but in reality it is a dysfunctional relationship.

When a couple dates on and off I believe it is for one of two reasons:
1. They have fights and break up instead of weathering the storm.
2. They have serious problems and shouldn't be together but they keep going back hoping for change or out of loneliness.

Either way it is bad. In case 1, it means they don't have the commitment to succeed as a couple. In case 2 it means they shouldn't be together in the first place.

I would discourage you from pursuing the relationship. The idea is romantic but the fact is, the facts count against the success and happiness of it:
1. You met and dated when you were teens - divorce rate higher.
2. You cheated, more than once - divorce rate higher.
3. You will have a blended family because of the kid - divorce rate higher.
4. You are still below 28 - divorce rate higher
5. His daughter causes you pain

My advice is to let him go. sweetheart, start life afresh. Find yourself a new start, find YOURSELF. Then find a good encumbered man. Life is so much simpler that way.

I must say that I agree with you. The relationship is an accident waiting to happen IMO

 

[Kawaii1]

I don't want to be mean but I am thinking you need to be more mature in this situation. Now I don't know your man but if he has been very understanding all this time then the problem lies with you. The two of you will never be happy until you can decide if this is the man you want for the rest of your life. If he really is then you have to just let go of the jealousy that you are feeling toward this other woman and baby. I don't know how you felt about the miscarriage but I can relate on the same level. Remember that you can have another baby(it won't replace the one you lost) with this man but you need to grow up. If you can't then he may get tired of giving you chances to be in his life and move on.

 

[honeybadgirl]

Sweetheart. First a *hug*.

Now onto some tough love. Yes, the two of you have been through the fire. Do you realize what most couples describe as fire? What you described was an inferno that burned everything to pieces.

A couple sticking through fire is a healthy,committed couple going through a rough patch. What the two of you have seems romantic in a ride or die type of movie but in reality it is a dysfunctional relationship.

When a couple dates on and off I believe it is for one of two reasons:
1. They have fights and break up instead of weathering the storm.
2. They have serious problems and shouldn't be together but they keep going back hoping for change or out of loneliness.

Either way it is bad. In case 1, it means they don't have the commitment to succeed as a couple. In case 2 it means they shouldn't be together in the first place.

I would discourage you from pursuing the relationship. The idea is romantic but the fact is, the facts count against the success and happiness of it:
1. You met and dated when you were teens - divorce rate higher.
2. You cheated, more than once - divorce rate higher.
3. You will have a blended family because of the kid - divorce rate higher.
4. You are still below 28 - divorce rate higher
5. His daughter causes you pain

My advice is to let him go. sweetheart, start life afresh. Find yourself a new start, find YOURSELF. Then find a good encumbered man. Life is so much simpler that way.

totally agree! i see nothing romantic or "meant to be" in this story. you were young and doing what you should be doing when you're young, for the most part, in seeing other people and growing as a woman. love doesnt hurt, remember that. all that thru the fire stuff, hurting each other, breaking up, going back, breaking up is not ideal in a good healthy relationship

 

[autumnbeauty29]

I am reading everyone one's responses... thanks! I don't have time to post to all of them, I am at work but I will later on during the day. I am realyl taking some of the things said into consideration

 

[honeybadgirl]

I am reading everyone one's responses... thanks! I don't have time to post to all of them, I am at work but I will later on during the day. I am realyl taking some of the things said into consideration

thats good, you should. this is the best years of your life, or should be!! you dont need unnecessary baggage of any kind! be happy, enjoy your life girlie

 

[deltagyrl]

Girl don't do it.

This is a train wreck waiting to happen.
Based on what you've posted it seems that you have some maturing to do before you get into a serious relationship with anyone. I'll stop there.

Good luck to you.

 

[FlowerHair]

Sweetheart. First a *hug*.

Now onto some tough love. Yes, the two of you have been through the fire. Do you realize what most couples describe as fire? What you described was an inferno that burned everything to pieces.

A couple sticking through fire is a healthy,committed couple going through a rough patch. What the two of you have seems romantic in a ride or die type of movie but in reality it is a dysfunctional relationship.

When a couple dates on and off I believe it is for one of two reasons:
1. They have fights and break up instead of weathering the storm.
2. They have serious problems and shouldn't be together but they keep going back hoping for change or out of loneliness.

Either way it is bad. In case 1, it means they don't have the commitment to succeed as a couple. In case 2 it means they shouldn't be together in the first place.

I would discourage you from pursuing the relationship. The idea is romantic but the fact is, the facts count against the success and happiness of it:
1. You met and dated when you were teens - divorce rate higher.
2. You cheated, more than once - divorce rate higher.
3. You will have a blended family because of the kid - divorce rate higher.
4. You are still below 28 - divorce rate higher
5. His daughter causes you pain

My advice is to let him go. sweetheart, start life afresh. Find yourself a new start, find YOURSELF. Then find a good encumbered man. Life is so much simpler that way.

Those points are really good
I would try to find a way out of this relationship...there is plenty of time to find a new man without drama

 

[FlowerHair]

totally agree! i see nothing romantic or "meant to be" in this story. you were young and doing what you should be doing when you're young, for the most part, in seeing other people and growing as a woman. love doesnt hurt, remember that. all that thru the fire stuff, hurting each other, breaking up, going back, breaking up is not ideal in a good healthy relationship

That's the truth!!!

 

[honeybadgirl]

That's the truth!!!

amen, right?!!?!

 

[AmilLion]

This may be long, so please bear with me I just need advice (if you feel the need to judge me or my actions please do not respond thanks).
I have been off/on with a guy for over 6 years now, we have been through hell and back, now through it again seems like. We met when I was 15 and he was 17 and started a relatopnship then. Everything was all gravy for about two years then I started to feel different about the relationship in general, how I felt I was being treated and strayed, yes I cheated on him, twice during that period. Within that time frame that I was cheating on him, I saw a different side of him that I had never seen before. He changed how he acted toward me, he became much more gentle in the way he spoke to me and treated me and for the very first times actually showed that he loved me. During this time, I found out I was pregnant by one of the guys I was cheating on him with (I actually took the test at my ex's home I didn't want to take it at my own house, he consoled me as I broke down for hours... the whole thing was beyond my wildest imagination). We worked through that, decided to get back together a few months later and here I go off to college.

Fast forward to my first years in college, I ended up going to a college in a different city than he was and the separation became too much for me. Even though we saw each other as much as we could, I felt like I wanted more. I secretly found a boyfriend where I was....this went on for 2 years before my conscience finally got to me. I told the on/off guy in 2005 that "I wanted to find myself and we could not be together anymore". He was truly devastated. For an entire year he wrote me letters, phone calls and visits trying to get back with me but I wasn't having it. I was just playing the field I guess you could say but yeah, we still messed around when we saw each other.... I was still with the "boyfriend" I had.

The boyfriend and I were broken off and a few months ago we decided to give it another try. We have been through the fire with this relationship. When we first started back talking, some old things came up and he said that "I may have to endure like he did". Of course I asked him what he meant and he said that he may have a child on the way but neither one of us thought much about it because we know how cautious he is. Now come September 07 and a baby is born, the test comes back and the baby is his. I am completely devastated, the night he told me I broke down and the next day at work I was just in shock. He drove down so that we could talk about it and we figure we can make it through this, we have everything else, he was not in a relationship with her, it was just a one night fling that resulted in a child. But everytime I see a baby girl or a little girl around 3 my heart tears in two (we miscarried back in 2004).

I have told him that I could deal with this situation and I am honestly giving it a try, but it is so darn difficult. I just cant face the fact that my love had an actual child by someone else. I think most of it is so hard and hurtful for me is because we lost a baby in 2004 and now that girl has something from him that I dont!! I asked him if he would be able to accept if the roles were reverserd, his answer was, "If I was able to accept what you did back then I am able to accept anything. A child would not be a concern." ..... so umm....

sorry it's so long I am just so hurt and confused....Any advice anyone?

Girl, I'm hurting with and for you reading this story.

However, you sound young and honestly, there's no cure all answer for such as sensitive issue like this. The most I can say is, follow your heart, but also listen to your mind! Deep down inside, you know what's best and right for you. The confusion is probably because you are denying yourself of something. Come to terms and do what's best for you. I really wish you the best of luck! *hugs*

 

[mrsjohnson75]

Girl don't do it.

This is a train wreck waiting to happen.
Based on what you've posted it seems that you have some maturing to do before you get into a serious relationship with anyone. I'll stop there.

Good luck to you.

ITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially the bolded part....

 

[autumnbeauty29]

Thank you again everyone for your opinions and different perspectives of my situation. It is always good to hear from a differnt POV and to see from the outside looking in, sometimes you only see things one-sided.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

Thank you again everyone for your opinions and different perspectives of my situation. It is always good to hear from a differnt POV and to see from the outside looking in, sometimes you only see things one-sided.

Hey, autumnbeauty29, I really wish you the best in whatever you decide to do!!!!!!

 

[Farida]

Autumnbeauty I like how mature you're being about the advice.

Whatever you choose to do, hold yourself to the highest standard. Regardless of what you did in the past, regardless of physical appearance - every woman deserves to be treated like a princess, not made to feel like because of the past or present she ought to settle or be grateful for whatever comes her way, and if you don't feel that way, you need to take a break and do some work on yourself.

 

[caribeandiva]

Thanks for your concern but that is not the point at hand.

yes but it's still an integral part of the story. you got pregnant by another dude and your boyfriend stayed by your side. now the situation's reversed and you're finally realizing what your boyfriend went through. You do need to grow up and mature a bit. Be realistic and put yourself in his shoes.

I agree with the other ladies who said that there's nothing romantic or "meant to be" about this relationship. It seems to me you guys keep hurting each other and keep coming back to it. You need to take a break from each other. This is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

It's your decision anyway but don't say we didn't warn you.

 

[firecracker]

yes but it's still an integral part of the story. you got pregnant by another dude and your boyfriend stayed by your side. now the situation's reversed and you're finally realizing what your boyfriend went through. You do need to grow up and mature a bit. Be realistic and put yourself in his shoes.

I agree with the other ladies who said that there's nothing romantic or "meant to be" about this relationship. It seems to me you guys keep hurting each other and keep coming back to it. You need to take a break from each other. This is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

It's your decision anyway but don't say we didn't warn you.

ITA with your post. Its time to grow up and stop being selfish.