Hypothetical. Advice Please.

[Rastafarai]

Let's say you met someone and you started dating and during the course of that dating he was by far more in love with you than you were with him. He would do anything for you and treated you like a Queen. In return, however, you were treated him badly and was the ultimate *****. However, he still stuck with you because he wanted things to work.

Over the course of that dating you grew distant and pushed him away because you did not think he was your type given your difference in educational background and did not find him intelligent enough. You then went on to have a big argument and you told him to move on and find someone else in a heated rage. That was the last time you heard from him.

Fast-forward to two weeks and you realized you had let a good thing go. You tried reaching out to him for several days but to no avail. You were then finally able to arrange to see each other and talk things out. During that discussion he relayed that you had hurt him dearly but despite this he misses you and loves you immensely and he wants to work things out, however, he was currently "talking to someone". You found out that that "talking" involved being intimate with this other person. He said that you have his heart, however, he is not the type to hurt women and fears hurting this new woman in his life. His parting words were "we will have to wait and see what happens".

Do you wait? Do you demand that he cuts ties with someone who he knows he does not want to be with but is with out of obligation and fear of hurting her? Do you move on? Do you think he is p*ssyfooting the situation and being a wimp for not standing up for what he wants, which he claims is you?

 

[zenith]

No, you do not wait. You move on.

It's because of your own foolishness and pettiness that you let a good thing go. Just take that as a loss and a lesson learned.

 

[ultrasuede]

His feelings were probably hurt to the extent that he doesn't want to take a chance and waste more time on a maybe situation. And it seems that he is trying to move on despite his lingering feelings.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

if i were giving advice in this situation, i'd tell the woman who realized that she made a mistake that she has NO RIGHT to demand that he do anything... regardless of the fact that he says he still loves her, she needs to respect the fact that he did exactly what she told him to do (moved on) and that he is currently unavailable.... if she's intent on having a relationship with him, she should sit back and let the situation play out..

but trying to force him out of his current situation is not the way to go....

and if i were giving advice to the guy, i'd tell him to think long and hard about starting something back up with the first woman if things didn't work with the current person...

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Too little too late. You (not OP per say) lose. You dont demand anything. You told him to move on and he did. More than likely you want him back because you feel lonely and not because you want him. Spare the both of you the misery and find the man you want and let this one be happy where he is now.

 

[Rastafarai]

Too little too late. You (not OP per say) lose. You dont demand anything. You told him to move on and he did. More than likely you want him back because you feel lonely and not because you want him. Spare the both of you the misery and find the man you want and let this one be happy where he is now.

What if the person he is currently talking to the rebound chick? What if he's not necessarily happy with her because his mind and heart is still with his ex?

 

[Makenzie]

I agree with everyone that 'you' have no right to demand anything of him. But, I want to know how is he obligated to this other woman after only two weeks?

 

[Makenzie]

What if the person he is currently talking to the rebound chick? What if he's not necessarily happy with her because his mind and heart is still with his ex?

Then why does he feel 'obligated' to her?

 

[*CherryPie*]

Don't fool yourself. If his mind and heart was with his ex, and he wasn't happy with this NEW chick, it would NOT be hard for him to leave.

Ex needs to go away and let this man be happy with his woman. She had her chance. I don't think he will go back to the ex anyway.

What if the person he is currently talking to the rebound chick? What if he's not necessarily happy with her because his mind and heart is still with his ex?

 

[Rastafarai]

Then why does he feel 'obligated' to her?

Because he opened a new door while under the impression that the old door was shut for good. He feels that if he were to cut his ties now, it will hurt/disappoint this woman who wants something more with him and who he has feelings for (not necessarily the same feelings with the woman he is in love with). He's simply not the type to hurt any female and would feel terrible in doing so.

 

[Rastafarai]

Don't fool yourself. If his mind and heart was with his ex, and he wasn't happy with this NEW chick, it would NOT be hard for him to leave.

Why wouldn't it be hard for him to leave? Is he perhaps fearful of giving his heart (again) to someone who may hurt him (again)?

If he is trying to move on, why not just tell the ex that instead of relaying how much he missed her/loves her/wants to be with her...?

 

[Fifty&Fab]

Maybe he's telling the ex-gf this because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

Because he opened a new door while under the impression that the old door was shut for good. He feels that if he were to cut his ties now, it will hurt/disappoint this woman who wants something more with him and who he has feelings for (not necessarily the same feelings with the woman he is in love with). He's simply not the type to hurt any female and would feel terrible in doing so.

 

[Rastafarai]

Maybe he's telling the ex-gf this because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

So if he has fully moved on and doesn't want to hurt his ex's feelings, why tell her what he still feels for her? If he wanted her out of his life for good, why would he share his feelings with her?

 

[*CherryPie*]

Because MEN don't think like that. You gotta look at things the way men do. He's trying not to hurt your feelings. But he don't want you back, or he would have left the new chick.

Girl please, that man don't feel OBLIGATED after 2 weeks! He's just telling you that so he won't have to say how he really feels, and hurt your feelings.

You hurt him, and now he doesn't trust you anymore.

When a woman hurts a man, He loses trust in her and his EGO is hurt. And I don't care what anybody says, It is not easy to regain a man's trust. He may tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but that hurt is in the back of his mind.

Let that man go OP, before he hurts YOUR feelings this time.

QUOTE=Rastafarai;11192042]Why wouldn't it be hard for him to leave? Is he perhaps fearful of giving his heart (again) to someone who may hurt him (again)?

If he is trying to move on, why not just tell the ex that instead of relaying how much he missed her/loves her/wants to be with her...?[/QUOTE]

 

[urbanchic]

I just don't think it's a good match to begin with - woman #1 and the guy. Obviously, the 1st woman is just going through the motions. As soon as the two get back together things will get back into the same rut. He may treat you like a queen but there is something missing in him (and I don't think its the education thing either)that doesn't keep you satisfied. Figure out what that 'something' is and move on. Don't waste anymore of that guy's time.

 

[zenith]

Because MEN don't think like that. You gotta look at things the way men do. He's trying not to hurt your feelings. But he don't want you back, or he would have left the new chick.

Truth.net!!

If it was some sleazy dude, he'd get back with her just for sex- no feelings attached.

The first lady needs to let it go.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

What if the person he is currently talking to the rebound chick? What if he's not necessarily happy with her because his mind and heart is still with his ex?

Let him make that decision. If he doesnt want to be with the other girl, he'll leave her alone. The reason he wont leave her now because the EX was a "B". Why go back to bad treatment?

She can do her best to saw him she has changed but my guess is she really doesnt want him. She's lonely, he was good to her, and she doesnt want anyone else doing her 'man'. But he wants to be with her again, he's come back. If she demands, she'll probably lose him for sure or he'll resent her later for not allow him to choose for himself.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Maybe he's telling the ex-gf this because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

BINGO!!!!!!!

 

[Makenzie]

Maybe he's telling the ex-gf this because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

Don't fool yourself. If his mind and heart was with his ex, and he wasn't happy with this NEW chick, it would NOT be hard for him to leave.

Ex needs to go away and let this man be happy with his woman. She had her chance. I don't think he will go back to the ex anyway.

Exactly. It's only been two weeks. He has no obligation to her.

Because he opened a new door while under the impression that the old door was shut for good. He feels that if he were to cut his ties now, it will hurt/disappoint this woman who wants something more with him and who he has feelings for (not necessarily the same feelings with the woman he is in love with). He's simply not the type to hurt any female and would feel terrible in doing so.

Again, its only been two weeks.

Because MEN don't think like that. You gotta look at things the way men do. He's trying not to hurt your feelings. But he don't want you back, or he would have left the new chick.

Girl please, that man don't feel OBLIGATED after 2 weeks! He's just telling you that so he won't have to say how he really feels, and hurt your feelings.

You hurt him, and now he doesn't trust you anymore.

When a woman hurts a man, He loses trust in her and his EGO is hurt. And I don't care what anybody says, It is not easy to regain a man's trust. He may tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but that hurt is in the back of his mind.

Let that man go OP, before he hurts YOUR feelings this time.

Thank you.

Why wouldn't it be hard for him to leave? Is he perhaps fearful of giving his heart (again) to someone who may hurt him (again)?

If he is trying to move on, why not just tell the ex that instead of relaying how much he missed her/loves her/wants to be with her...?

He may very well still have the feelings. But he also knows how it is to be hurt by you and not willing to go through again.

 

[metro_qt]

Once you smash a man's ego, that's IT.
Hypothetically speaking OP, i would not take that man back even if he came back, because, like others have said above, he doesn't trust you anymore. He may always have love for you... but trust? Nope.
In his head, what type of woman that loves him would hurt him so badly to the core?

He's with this next woman that he doesn't love... or maybe even like yet, because At Least She Likes Him Back, and Doesn't Hurt Him.

He sure can't say that about the first woman.

 

[LilMissRed]

I agree with ALL of the above posts... leave this dude alone.. allow him to get on w/his life.. chick#1 didnt want him.. told him to STEP so he did.. now all of a sudden she wants him back?? FOR WHAT?? hes STILL the same dude that she didnt want in the 1st place when she had him

IMO its not fair to dude for Chick #1 to demand or ask ANYTHING of him.. remember SHE DIDNT WANT HIM.. he wasnt good enuff for her THATs why she treated him like 'ish...

I say figure out what kind of man chick #1 wants and go for HIM... NOT dude that she treated like 'ish smh

 

[Bmack]

I agree with everyone that 'you' have no right to demand anything of him. But, I want to know how is he obligated to this other woman after only two weeks?

I was curious about this too? I mean damn brother, your not that hurt being all intimate in a matter of two weeks. I give that situation the side eye.

OP, I would step though. It may have been a blow to ur ego to see him get gone and quick without looking back, but you don't really want him because you would have kept him.

 

[Jas123]

Maybe he's telling the ex-gf this because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

this is what i think

 

[Rastafarai]

Thanks for all your comments ladies. He called earlier this week and it appears he does not want to lose touch. He requested I save and develop all our photos and deliver to his attention. He begged of me to do so. He said he has not yet made a firm decision.

I'm not sure what to think, but in the meantime I've stepped away. If we were meant to be we will be. If not, then so be it.

 

[zenith]

Thanks for all your comments ladies. He called earlier this week and it appears he does not want to lose touch. He requested I save and develop all our photos and deliver to his attention. He begged of me to do so. He said he has not yet made a firm decision.

I'm not sure what to think, but in the meantime I've stepped away. If we were meant to be we will be. If not, then so be it.

See i don't do this "let stay in touch" with ANY of my exes/ pursuers. Because, you are tying me down subconsciously.

I believe in putting down past baggage and continuing with my journey (light-weight).


If he wants the pics, give them to him but i would delete/crop all those he is in with me.


Here is the thing OP, if tomorrow you meet 'the man for you' how would you start explaining all this "oh we stay in touch in the hopes we can get back together" situation?
Or what if it was him holding on to some chic he was once dated?

Just let it go, for your own peace of mind.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

Thanks for all your comments ladies. He called earlier this week and it appears he does not want to lose touch. He requested I save and develop all our photos and deliver to his attention. He begged of me to do so. He said he has not yet made a firm decision.

I'm not sure what to think, but in the meantime I've stepped away. If we were meant to be we will be. If not, then so be it.

good.... this will give you the opportunity to meet someone that you are FULLY happy with as opposed to someone that you are settling for.... hypothetically speaking, of course..

 

[krikit96]

Girl, yes... please step away. I think you have been given GREAT advice already and I am glad to see that you are going to back off.

As far as the keeping in touch, he still hasn't made up his mind.... He's made up his mind, and he's going to stay with said new chick and keep you as a backburner piece in case it doesn't work out where he is... but she is his first choice. I'm sorry... that sucks, but at least you don't have to deal with someone you didn't feel the same way back for... that ain't fair to either one of you to stay because he treated you good... you don't feel the same, don't you wanna be in love like that too with someone else?

On a joke time note though: Why did you title this thing hypothetical??? Lol...

 

[Rastafarai]

Girl, yes... please step away. I think you have been given GREAT advice already and I am glad to see that you are going to back off.

As far as the keeping in touch, he still hasn't made up his mind.... He's made up his mind, and he's going to stay with said new chick and keep you as a backburner piece in case it doesn't work out where he is... but she is his first choice. I'm sorry... that sucks, but at least you don't have to deal with someone you didn't feel the same way back for... that ain't fair to either one of you to stay because he treated you good... you don't feel the same, don't you wanna be in love like that too with someone else?

I don't know. He's sending mixed signals. He's still giving me the impression that she is in fact the rebound chick. He does not want to let go fully at all. He told me he's still around if I need him. His family still thinks we're an item and he's talking about having a future together. He's also told the other woman about me. I guess he's just fearful of the "what ifs" with me and I don't give him wrong. At the end of the day he has to take her feelings into consideration but is he really doing so if he doesn't want to part ways and wishes to still hold on? I mean he's pleaded that I deliver the photos we have taken out together. What if she starts demanding from him that we cut ties? Why does he need our photos if he's ready to move on?

The most difficult thing of this all is that he lives right down the street from me and so we are bound to cross paths. I am also bound to cross paths with family members and mutual friends that live in the area who have seen us together and always take the time to inquire on how he is doing.

I'm thinking of moving.

On a joke time note though: Why did you title this thing hypothetical??? Lol...

Just because, I guess. Didn't know how to explain the situation with I as the subject.

 

[NicBenny]

I've been in a relationship where I broke the trust and I can say that it haunted the relationship for a very long time. erplexed It even changed the way he treated me and it just put us in a very bad place.

If he did come back to you, he would not be the same. Take a minute to think about if he is what you really want and can you deal with the consequences of hurting him (i.e., his resentment, any hostility, regrets, etc.). Just give the situation time, don't rush into anything.

As for the new woman, he is probably enthusiastic that she is showing him attention. Men are suckers for attention. Maybe he has discovered that he has more value than you alotted him. Let him figure it out. He may be enjoying the newfound attention and your pursuit of him, which he probably longed for.

Give the situation time. During that time, keep yourself open to meeting other people. As for the pictures thing, that's a little weird.

 

[*CherryPie*]

How do you know that he told the new woman about you? cause he said he did?erplexed

I think he's playing games with you, like you did to him.

You need to just let go and let him have his relationship with the new woman.

It'll hurt for a while, but you'll be okay.

I don't know. He's sending mixed signals. He's still giving me the impression that she is in fact the rebound chick. He does not want to let go fully at all. He told me he's still around if I need him. His family still thinks we're an item and he's talking about having a future together. He's also told the other woman about me. I guess he's just fearful of the "what ifs" with me and I don't give him wrong. At the end of the day he has to take her feelings into consideration but is he really doing so if he doesn't want to part ways and wishes to still hold on? I mean he's pleaded that I deliver the photos we have taken out together. What if she starts demanding from him that we cut ties? Why does he need our photos if he's ready to move on?

The most difficult thing of this all is that he lives right down the street from me and so we are bound to cross paths. I am also bound to cross paths with family members and mutual friends that live in the area who have seen us together and always take the time to inquire on how he is doing.

I'm thinking of moving.



Just because, I guess. Didn't know how to explain the situation with I as the subject.