How Would You Want To Be Comforted After A Breakup/divorce

[Chrismiss]

I have a friend going through it right now. She's been putting on a brave face since she and her SO parted ways in August. We're in contact daily but she keeps her relationship highs and lows close to the vest. The breakup occurred when another friend of all of ours(closer to me but knows my friend and my friend's SO) told me that the SO was trying to holla at her big time. He was requesting nude pics, wanting to naked facetime etc, constantly making sexual references. She said she had to tell him to knock it off because it was making her uncomfortable. She resides in another state and wasn't aware that the SO was dating my other friend for the past couple of years. I told her and let her know that I felt like our friend needed to know what the SO was saying to her. She gave her blessings and I shared it with our other friend. Understandably, our friend was upset and confronted dude, who ended up ghosting. He continued to contact the out of state friend, apologizing to her for making her feel uncomfortable but kinda played my friend that he was dating like take it or leave it.

Fast forward to yesterday, my in town friend calls me from outside of homeboy's apt, drunk, and tells me that she went in and broke all of his dishes while he wasn't home. He lives an hour and some change from us and she said it was her plan to drop in on him. I had no idea she was in such turmoil. When we would talk about him she wouldn't hesitate to say, "Oh, I'm good. That's a wrap. I'm done." Even though she would say that, she was posting stuff on social media that indicated otherwise. But, in our conversations she played it like was nothing. How should I comfort her from here? How would you want to be comforted, if at all, during this time?

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Aw, she's probably just embarrassed. Especially with you knowing the full story and all. She def sounds like a "I'll come to you" person but maybe it was cause she was drunk.

Sorry, I guess that wasn't advice.

 

[Chrismiss]

Aw, she's probably just embarrassed. Especially with you knowing the full story and all. She def sounds like a "I'll come to you" person but maybe it was cause she was drunk.

Sorry, I guess that wasn't advice.

No, that is advice and you nailed it. She really does seem like an “Ill reach out to you” type. My concern is that she may be in crisis when she does. I’ve never seen her like this, so I’m like, ugh, what do I do?

 

[Lymegreen]

Maybe you can drop by with some coffee or soup or something and just surprise her? Stay with her but don't mention the guy. Even if you tries to spill deets - just remind her that you respect her privacy and realize that she is in a difficult space. You really don't need to know. And let her know that your goal isn't really to know what all he did but to make sure she gets through this ok.

 

[Lymegreen]

I love drama like anyone else... but I do get skiddish when it's close to home. Try to add some structure by removing the drama and normalizing her emotions, which are probably valid. Drama -free.

Hopefully in time she'll be able to share and even laugh about it.

 

[BlueEra]

Sometimes I go into an "everything is fine, I'm ok," ghost-mode when dealing with breakups because I don't feel like burdening people with my problems or my constant urges to rant about things. Sometimes the grieving process can take weeks or months, but some friends get burnt-out hearing about the breakup woes after a few short days and feel like you should, "move on from it" within a certain amount of time.

For me, I'm grateful when friends make it known that they're around for me no matter what or how long it takes. There were a few friends who I could call or text just to say, "I feel like crap today because of what happened," and they were ok with that. Now, I won't dwell on it incessantly, and wouldn't want someone to come to me every single day for weeks on end with the same sad story, but there are times when an occasional vent session is needed. I've only ever snapped or spazzed if I felt like I had to hold things end because of embarrassment and fear of being judged or because I felt like no one wanted to just listen to me vent.

 

[Charmingchick1]

I’m also the type to hide my feelings so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. I went through a terrible breakup many years ago and the one thing I remember that made me feel better was when my friends came over and hung out with me. We would make dinner/get take out and watch tv. Sometimes we talked. It was the one “normal” thing in my life at the moment and I needed that.

 

[Chrismiss]

I know weekends are especially tough for her because she would spend a weekend or two per month at his place. In light of that and without mentioning him, I would invite her to join me wherever I was going, even it was something benign. Sometimes she would join me, other times it seemed like she needed to be alone and she would decline the invites. When and if his name came up or the topic of moving forward, it was because she mentioned it. A couple of weeks ago she mentioned that she was starting to feel like dating again and she said she was going to attract a “BBSC”(big baller shot caller). I high fived her and told her I was ready to roll with her if she wanted to get out more.

 

[Fine 4s]

I'd like what poster number 7 said. Come hang out at her place and eat good food especially since I wouldn't be eating much.
But I also need lots and lots of grieving time so maybe a combo of both would work?

This might be a little bad but also tell me how other people are doing worse or share stories about how you might have made a mistake. It makes me feel better to know that everybody makes mistakes and maybe laugh a little about it.

I just don't want to feel lonely....

 

[PretteePlease]

I don't want to be comforted or talk about it unless I bring it up

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I’d probably only confide in my sister or one other person so it’s unlikely anyone would know enough to comfort me. You can’t help her with this but I’ve heard people say the best way to get over one guy is to get under the next. It won’t work every time but sometimes it does. This is especially true when you need to be reminded that there are other men out there and they find you desirable. The feelings that go along with a great orgasm can help shift the energy away from the ex. Just an idea. I’ll see myself out before the religious set comes for me.

 

[Chrismiss]

I’d probably only confide in my sister or one other person so it’s unlikely anyone would know enough to comfort me. You can’t help her with this but I’ve heard people say the best way to get over one guy is to get under the next. It won’t work every time but sometimes it does. This is especially true when you need to be reminded that there are other men out there and they find you desirable. The feelings that go along with a great orgasm can help shift the energy away from the ex. Just an idea. I’ll see myself out before the religious set comes for me.

You sound like her. In the past, that’s how she operated...kept it moving, entertained others. That’s part of the reason I kinda believed her when she was saying she was cool. Seeing that she is truly hurt and vulnerable caught me off guard. I hate when people keep asking me about a breakup during the initial stages. Sometimes it seems like it’s more for their informational purposes than my comfort. I’ve kept that in mind here because I didn’t want to seem intrusive. But I don’t want her to get herself in a situation that may have consequences.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

I’d probably only confide in my sister or one other person so it’s unlikely anyone would know enough to comfort me. You can’t help her with this but I’ve heard people say the best way to get over one guy is to get under the next. It won’t work every time but sometimes it does. This is especially true when you need to be reminded that there are other men out there and they find you desirable. The feelings that go along with a great orgasm can help shift the energy away from the ex. Just an idea. I’ll see myself out before the religious set comes for me.

Vitamin D is the best medicine to get over a breakup...so I heard

I'm in introvert, so I'm definitely team, let me be when I'm suffering. For me, it takes time-usually a few weeks of good crying and moping. Then I get into an F him mode, work on myself, and focus on getting someone bigger and better. The friends who helped the most are the ones who gave me space and never threw my bad decisions in my face.

ETA: she maybe distant from you because you were the bearer of bad news. Even though you had the best intention, you may represent the end of her 'happiness.' But she'll come around (make sure you tell her to leave that man alone before she'll need bail money.)

 

[Thump]

I don't want to be comforted or talk about it unless I bring it up

This is me all the way. I keep my relationships to myself. My daughter knows if there is someone, she may know their name but she never meets them. If I am not married to you there will be no meeting the family or friends no matter how long the relationship is.

 

[Chrismiss]

Vitamin D is the best medicine to get over a breakup...so I heard

I'm in introvert, so I'm definitely team, let me be when I'm suffering. For me, it takes time-usually a few weeks of good crying and moping. Then I get into an F him mode, work on myself, and focus on getting someone bigger and better. The friends who helped the most are the ones who gave me space and never threw my bad decisions in my face.

ETA: she made be distant from you because you were the bearer of bad news. Even though you had the best intention, you may represent the end of her 'happiness.' But she'll come around (make sure you tell her to leave that man alone before she'll need bail money.)

She hasn't been distant. We still hang the same way we always do. BUT, one of her comments when I told her was that she was embarrassed and humiliated and I think she does see me as the bearer of bad news. The former SO is someone she dated in college, so we've had discussions over the years about his "behavior", for lack of a better term.

 

[FemmeCreole]

I’d say just be there for her. That’s the most you can do in this situation.