How Would YOU Have Reacted...

N

NYLegalNewbie

New Member
So, here's the situation. I had a great first date with someone yesterday. I mean, couldn't have gone anymore perfect.

We're texting this evening, and we're talking about a nice bike ride he had near the Cloisters. Then, out of the blue, I get this text from him: "I'm all nice and relaxed now. Do you live alone?"

I'm like, uh, why is this dude asking if I live by myself like this. I respond: "Yes, why do you ask?"

His response: "Just assessing the spontaneity factor. Like me coming to visit you or you coming to visit me."

My response: "Ah...future planning I see. You do realize that sort of thing has to wait until I know you better right?"

His response: "Don't worry. I won't be showing up unannounced. That's a cardinal rule of mine both ways. But unless I read things completely wrong, there's a pretty high comfort level already."

Um...Noooooo...I just freakin' met you! You ain't coming up in my house!

So, I decided to call him to set him straight. Now, of course I'm nervous because I really like this guy and don't want to screw things up, but I'm not looking to waste my time with a guy who I THINK has potential, only to find out he just wants some booty.

So, I tell him, straight up, having someone over is a big deal to me and so is going over to someone else's place. And frankly, while I had a fantastic time, it just wasn't there yet for us. Also, I told him that I move slowly and take my time. I don't have "rules" but I need a real emotional connection before physical contact happens.

I asked him what he was thinking and he said something to the effect of not knowing what to think because he wasn't sure if it's just a piece of info that he should take and just be cool with it, or if he should be a bit worried that I was so tense about the subject. :rolleyes: Basically, that it wasn't that serious.

And I was like "Well, the bottomline is that this call is just my way of making sure I'm not reading your text message wrong. I just don't want to get the wrong idea from you, when I shouldn't."

After that he was like "Ah, okay, yeah, I can definitely understand that." So, I laughed and was like "Yeah, well, I suppose this conversation would've gone better had I said THAT at the beginning instead!"

So...how would you have reacted? Would you have called dude out and asked him what all this mess about coming over was about? Or would you have handled it differently?
 
sounds like you kinda blew the whole situation out of proportion.

i see why you did it. but it sounded like you spazzed out a bit
 
runwaydream said:
sounds like you kinda blew the whole situation out of proportion.

i see why you did it. but it sounded like you spazzed out a bit
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Yeah, I absolutely did spazz because I was like "What the heck??? Is he just trying to get some or what?"

I mean, I was laughing at the end of the call because I realized that I should've just been like "Um, I wanna make sure I'm not misunderstanding you here, but you're just asking to ask right? You're not wanting to come over anytime, soon right?" That would've been MUCH simpler.

It sucks. I mean, I got to make a great first impression, but I feel like I might have blown it :(
 
I think you handled it very well, and maturely. It doesn't seem like you "spazzed out" at all. From what it looks like, you expressed your standards in a frank, matter-of-fact way. Nothing wrong with that. His saying that he's "worried" you're "tense" is one of those disarming phrases that some guys like to use to shift things onto you. Pay it no mind.

When you lower the bar, you lose the winners. But when you raise the bar, you lose the losers. Let's see which one he turns out to be. Good show!
 
this is why I leave texting alone. It is just to informal to be used in dating. I think you handled it well though. Set your standards from the jump...
 
1. He is a MAN and has made it clear that he is attracted to you by asking you out. Therefore he does want to sleep with you. This is nothing to take offense to, it's just human nature. Yeah, he likes you and wants to get to know you.....after he sleeps with you :lachen:.

2. You control the if, when and where of that by your ACTIONS. As a WOMAN I find it's best to keep your "rules" unspoken but enforced.
 
ChanelNo5 said:
1. He is a MAN and has made it clear that he is attracted to you by asking you out. Therefore he does want to sleep with you. This is nothing to take offense to, it's just human nature. Yeah, he likes you and wants to get to know you.....after he sleeps with you :lachen:.

2. You control the if, when and where of that by your ACTIONS. As a WOMAN I find it's best to keep your "rules" unspoken but enforced.
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Again, no argument there.

I really wish I wouldn't have called him to talk about it. Instead, I should've just replied saying something like, "Oh, you know that has to wait until I get to know you better" ;)

Ugh...I'm so upset right now. I can't believe I just messed this up like this...:nono:
 
A playful text letting him know what's up would've been better than calling him and calling him out like that. Don't over react, you probably didn't mess things up permanently. You guys can get back on track. Personally, I hate when people try to invite themselves over my house. I've had plenty of men do that. I think it's rude.
 
runwaydream said:
sounds like you kinda blew the whole situation out of proportion.

i see why you did it. but it sounded like you spazzed out a bit
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I kinda agree. It's not necessarily your fault...it's technology. So many things are getting lost in translation with texting and emailing and im'ing until relationships just seem more, rather than less strained. There seems to be more effort required just to get to know someone with these new "conveniences".

But, I have been where you are, especially over text or im messages and it's very easy to blow things out of proportion and put the person on the defensive when that was not your intent.
 
Don't forget to just relax and try and get to know him...try and forge a friendship first. Don't worry about sex and romance and a future...that part will all build stronger if you just focus on getting to know him as a friendship first. He may want sex on the third date but that doesn't mean you have to give it to him and it doesn't mean you have to be offended by it either. Just laugh at him and have fun with him. He'll play. He won't act up unless he's a jerk. In which case, you can cut him loose.
 
NYLegalNewbie said:
Yeah, I absolutely did spazz because I was like "What the heck??? Is he just trying to get some or what?"

I mean, I was laughing at the end of the call because I realized that I should've just been like "Um, I wanna make sure I'm not misunderstanding you here, but you're just asking to ask right? You're not wanting to come over anytime, soon right?" That would've been MUCH simpler.

It sucks. I mean, I got to make a great first impression, but I feel like I might have blown it :(
Click to expand...

At the bolded: See...that's yet ANOTHER reason why I absolutely have grown to HATE text messaging with the opposite sex! :wallbash: MISUNDERSTANDINGS!! It's soo easy to misconstrue what someone is saying via text, e-mail, etc. But mainly through text because it's so short and concise.

At the underlined: No...I don't think you blew it at all. In fact, I think it probably made him respect you MORE. I would perhaps tone it down for a few weeks and just be playful and care-free for a while. At least now he knows the boundaries! :giggle:

NYLegalNewbie said:
Again, no argument there.

I really wish I wouldn't have called him to talk about it. Instead, I should've just replied saying something like, "Oh, you know that has to wait until I get to know you better" ;)

Ugh...I'm so upset right now. I can't believe I just messed this up like this...:nono:
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No!! Don't beat yourself up! If he likes you, he'll call you again. In the meantime, I would just stick to calling. Maybe don't text so much with him. If a guy sent me a text like that, I might have just ignored it instead of calling him up. But then again, I don't like to do text "convos" with guys I"m interested in and just getting to know. Waaay too much room for "misunderstandings" or "Drama". :ohwell: Plus, it opens up the door for them to be texting stuff that maybe you're not ready to talk about yet, etc.

But don't worry....if he likes you, he's attracted to you. And if he's attracted to you, then YES...he wants to sleep with you. That's just how guys are. Don't be too offended. Just realize that you have to set some boundaries. I agree with the other ladies who said to keep your boundaries by your BEHAVIOR and your conversation...not necessarily by being vocal about your "rules".

I know that sounds like a contradiction, but it's really not. If you carry yourself in a classy way, and maintain classy conversation, a guy will instinctively know that you are "special" and need to be treated with respect, and that he can't just think that he can come up to your house for a "booty call". :naughty: So, continue to maintain your set boundaries, but try to do it more so with your ACTIONS and behavior so that you won't have to "spazz out" on him again. LOL!! :giggle:

So many women dress too provocatively, talk about sex positions and what they look like naked or whatever on dates with men, and then get mad and wonder why the guys only see them as "booty calls" or want to sleep with them so early. I'm tihnking: "ummm...DUH!!! What did you expect??" :nuts:
 
Firstly, you said that you two were texting around night time, so how late was it? The later it is, the crazier the text messages your guy will send. His hormones were talking and absolutely none of what he said should be taken seriously. This just let's you know that he finds you attractive and hopes to sleep with you at some point.

Secondly, are you the same poster that had the lawyer lie to her about his profession as a "test" because if you are, it seems like you are tightly wound and really need to relax and give a brother time to reveal his true motives before you go into "I'm not sleeping with you, I can do bad all by myself" mode. lol

The funny thing is last night around midnight-1:30am, I was simultaneously chatting with a male friend and one of his friends that he was trying to hook me up with. During the course of the convo, the new guy told me that they both couldn't wait to come by my place and "congratulate" me when I graduate from my program. At first, I was a bit shocked by his bold insinuation then I was mildly excited at the craziness of a menage a trois with 2 fine Kenyans that sort of resemble Tyrese who have like 4 grad degrees and 2 great paying jobs between them. However, I knew how to keep my cool and not turn frigid and angry, I just simply said "huh?" after his statement, as in what do you mean you both can't wait to come by my place. Then he cleaned up his tone as well as his friend and we had a wonderful time chatting.

Men are men and it's up to you to be wise enough to know which men not to speak to at all and which men are worth your time, like this guy. Since you had a great first date, you should have been patient enough to give him time to explain himself in daylight to your face. There's nothing wrong with him being provocative at night, but you can slow him down by changing the subject or by pretending to be too tired to continue.

You've had 2 great potential catches in a short amount of time, hopefully, you'll give the next guy more of a chance. It's a huge difference between spazzing out after a guy gets sexual in tone and redirecting his energy like a lady and showing him how you like to be treated. Right now he doesn't know you and will test your boundaries, and it's up to you to be a gracious referee who stimulates his interest all the while checking him and not coming across as a scared and emotionally distant and unavailable angry BW.

I wish you the best! :)
 
^^^Liars are NOT potential catches, so NO, she has not had two great potential catches in a short amount of time, and she did absolutely the right thing by letting that first dude go.

And the jury is still out on whether this current one is a catch or not.

And NO, none of the men I've been involved with, including my current boyfriend, has ever sent provocative texts at night after the first date... he knows better than that because he's a gentleman who knows how to call a woman by phone at a reasonable hour.

And the ones who have tried that? I've told them to lose my number and never call again. You test my boundaries? Well then you just failed my test and you will be dismissed.

So you can keep alla that right there...
 
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Bunny77 said:
^^^Liars are NOT potential catches, so NO, she has not had two great potential catches in a short amount of time, and she did absolutely the right thing by letting that first dude go.

And the jury is still out on whether this current one is a catch or not.

And NO, none of the men I've been involved with, including my current boyfriend, has ever sent provocative texts at night after the first date... he knows better than that because he's a gentleman who knows how to call a woman by phone at a reasonable hour.

And the ones who have tried that? I've told them to lose my number and never call again. You test my boundaries? Well then you just failed my test and you will be dismissed.

So you can keep alla that right there...
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Ummm yeah ITA. and why are women allowing conversations with men at midnight?????:ohwell::look::nono:
 
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When we started texting, it was earlier in the evening, and I was a bit slow to respond because I was cooking dinner. It wasn't like he started sending texts around 10PM or so.

Also, @Xerxes, the main reason for the call was to make sure that I wasn't reading him wrong. But that didn't come off clearly to him until the end when I was able to express it better (I get tie-tongued when I'm a little nervous, and that ONLY happens when I'm with a guy that I really like).

Apparently though, he absolutely got the hint and is still interested :)

He sent a text late this morning with the following: "I wanted to invite you over to order in and watch a movie, but I feel like that's off limits indefinintely. I really thought that comfort leve at least was there. I'm not sure what do now."

It's true, the comfort level ISN'T there yet. I don't know dude to be over to his place yet or have him over. BUT, I learned my lesson from last night and here's how I responded:

"I'm really sorry. I totally misread your intentions and I feel bad about that. I definitely want to see you again. We had too much fun just to stop at one date ;) "

Him: "I definitely agree."

I decided to throw him a curveball I knew he wouldn't expect. My text:

"So, I am thinking that, since you're a big movie goer, I should treat you to your choice of a new theatre release...sweets and other concessions included :)"

I realize I probably bruised his ego a bit, and he's probably not sure if I'm really THAT interested in him, so I figured this would be a nice gesture on my part.

His response: "Wow! A lady treating me is quite a change of pace. Also, considering movies have gotten pretty expensive, maybe we can sneak some sweets into that giant purse of yours!"

So, I think I might've saved myself here...LOL!
 
lexi08 said:
Ummm yeah ITA. and why are women allowing conversations with men at midnight?????:ohwell::look::nono:
Click to expand...

haha! Yeah really!


I had to stop that mess. :nono: Even my guy "friends" would call me at like 10:30/11:30 at night. One guy friend I was talking to for like 3 hours on the phone!! :shocked: I don't think I got to bed until 1am!! :eek:

After that I said never again. :naughty:

If I'm dating a guy, he better not be calling me past 10pm at night unless he has a dire emergency. I'm trying to get some sleep, or winding down for the night.

And these days I don't even pick up the phone if a guy friend calls me past 9:30pm. LOL! :lol: I know he can call me during the daylight hours.

Talking all the time late at night over the phone just invites conversations to head south...litterally AND figuratively! :lol:

So ummm yeah... none of that for me. Not anymore. The only man who will be calling and talking to me past midnight is my husband.
 
NYLegalNewbie said:
When we started texting, it was earlier in the evening, and I was a bit slow to respond because I was cooking dinner. It wasn't like he started sending texts around 10PM or so.

Also, @Xerxes, the main reason for the call was to make sure that I wasn't reading him wrong. But that didn't come off clearly to him until the end when I was able to express it better (I get tie-tongued when I'm a little nervous, and that ONLY happens when I'm with a guy that I really like).

Apparently though, he absolutely got the hint and is still interested :)

He sent a text late this morning with the following: "I wanted to invite you over to order in and watch a movie, but I feel like that's off limits indefinintely. I really thought that comfort leve at least was there. I'm not sure what do now."

It's true, the comfort level ISN'T there yet. I don't know dude to be over to his place yet or have him over. BUT, I learned my lesson from last night and here's how I responded:

"I'm really sorry. I totally misread your intentions and I feel bad about that. I definitely want to see you again. We had too much fun just to stop at one date ;) "

Him: "I definitely agree."

I decided to throw him a curveball I knew he wouldn't expect. My text:

"So, I am thinking that, since you're a big movie goer, I should treat you to your choice of a new theatre release...sweets and other concessions included :)"

I realize I probably bruised his ego a bit, and he's probably not sure if I'm really THAT interested in him, so I figured this would be a nice gesture on my part.

His response: "Wow! A lady treating me is quite a change of pace. Also, considering movies have gotten pretty expensive, maybe we can sneak some sweets into that giant purse of yours!"

So, I think I might've saved myself here...LOL!
Click to expand...


Were you serious about treating this guy or were you being facetious?
 
Xerxes said:
Secondly, are you the same poster that had the lawyer lie to her about his profession as a "test" because if you are, it seems like you are tightly wound and really need to relax and give a brother time to reveal his true motives before you go into "I'm not sleeping with you, I can do bad all by myself" mode. lol


You've had 2 great potential catches in a short amount of time, hopefully, you'll give the next guy more of a chance. It's a huge difference between spazzing out after a guy gets sexual in tone and redirecting his energy like a lady and showing him how you like to be treated. Right now he doesn't know you and will test your boundaries, and it's up to you to be a gracious referee who stimulates his interest all the while checking him and not coming across as a scared and emotionally distant and unavailable angry BW.

I wish you the best! :)
Click to expand...

I was gonna mention that. Agree on all account
 
NYLegalNewbie said:
W

He sent a text late this morning with the following: "I wanted to invite you over to order in and watch a movie, but I feel like that's off limits indefinintely. I really thought that comfort leve at least was there. I'm not sure what do now."

It's true, the comfort level ISN'T there yet. I don't know dude to be over to his place yet or have him over. BUT, I learned my lesson from last night and here's how I responded:

"I'm really sorry. I totally misread your intentions and I feel bad about that. I definitely want to see you again. We had too much fun just to stop at one date ;) "

Him: "I definitely agree."

I decided to throw him a curveball I knew he wouldn't expect. My text:

"So, I am thinking that, since you're a big movie goer, I should treat you to your choice of a new theatre release...sweets and other concessions included :)"

!
Click to expand...

I like how you switched it from seeing the movie at his place to a theater

That was smart.

You could have easily freaked out on him inviting you to HIS place to see the movie but you didnt, she switched it in a cool way and didnt offend him at the same time.

I wish you luck. :yep:
 
NYLegalNewbie said:
When we started texting, it was earlier in the evening, and I was a bit slow to respond because I was cooking dinner. It wasn't like he started sending texts around 10PM or so.

Also, @Xerxes, the main reason for the call was to make sure that I wasn't reading him wrong. But that didn't come off clearly to him until the end when I was able to express it better (I get tie-tongued when I'm a little nervous, and that ONLY happens when I'm with a guy that I really like).

Apparently though, he absolutely got the hint and is still interested :)

He sent a text late this morning with the following: "I wanted to invite you over to order in and watch a movie, but I feel like that's off limits indefinintely. I really thought that comfort leve at least was there. I'm not sure what do now."

It's true, the comfort level ISN'T there yet. I don't know dude to be over to his place yet or have him over. BUT, I learned my lesson from last night and here's how I responded:

"I'm really sorry. I totally misread your intentions and I feel bad about that. I definitely want to see you again. We had too much fun just to stop at one date ;) "

Him: "I definitely agree."

I decided to throw him a curveball I knew he wouldn't expect. My text:

"So, I am thinking that, since you're a big movie goer, I should treat you to your choice of a new theatre release...sweets and other concessions included :)"

I realize I probably bruised his ego a bit, and he's probably not sure if I'm really THAT interested in him, so I figured this would be a nice gesture on my part.

His response: "Wow! A lady treating me is quite a change of pace. Also, considering movies have gotten pretty expensive, maybe we can sneak some sweets into that giant purse of yours!"

So, I think I might've saved myself here...LOL!
Click to expand...

You done good, girl! :yay: He LIKES you! :yep: He also seems cute! Can't wait to hear about the second date.
 
lexi08 said:
Were you serious about treating this guy or were you being facetious?
Click to expand...

I think it's fine. NYLegal knows the rules of the game and she won't be going dutch and paying all the time. This was a nice switch after what happened last night. I think he respects her. It will be fine NY!
 
Bachelorette said:
I like how you switched it from seeing the movie at his place to a theater

That was smart.

You could have easily freaked out on him inviting you to HIS place to see the movie but you didnt, she switched it in a cool way and didnt offend him at the same time.
I wish you luck. :yep:
Click to expand...


I agree. That was a good move except for the treating part. *** his ego.
The nice gesture would be me agreeing to see him again.
 
Bunny77 said:
^^^Liars are NOT potential catches, so NO, she has not had two great potential catches in a short amount of time, and she did absolutely the right thing by letting that first dude go.

And the jury is still out on whether this current one is a catch or not.

And NO, none of the men I've been involved with, including my current boyfriend, has ever sent provocative texts at night after the first date... he knows better than that because he's a gentleman who knows how to call a woman by phone at a reasonable hour.

And the ones who have tried that? I've told them to lose my number and never call again. You test my boundaries? Well then you just failed my test and you will be dismissed.

So you can keep alla that right there...
Click to expand...

Firstly, we all lie, so we are all liars to some degree.

Secondly, I still believe the "liar" only lied because he wasn't "feeling" her attitude and decided that he wouldn't date her,therefore he felt like it was ok to give her some BS test to see if she was as superficial as he thought.
 
Xerxes said:
Firstly, we all lie, so we are all liars to some degree.

Secondly, I still believe the "liar" only lied because he wasn't "feeling" her attitude and decided that he wouldn't date her,therefore he felt like it was ok to give her some BS test to see if she was as superficial as he thought.
Click to expand...

Funny you should mention this...

The guy in question is actually a computer "geek", and I do make a substantial amount more than him.

This guy didn't lie to me about what he did, and I respected him for it. Now that I've had a chance to go out with him, I definitely want to see him again.

Honesty gets you further than stupid head games.

Also, Xerxes, I have a question for you...are you of the opinion that it's okay to lie sometimes if the ends justify the means? And if that's the case, where exactly do you draw the line?

I can't say that I am perfect and never speak anything untrue 100%, but I definitely try my best to be as honest and forthcoming as possible (to the point where I've really stepped on some people's toes). So, that's one of the reasons why I find his behavior inexcusable, especially given the circumstances. I'd never do something like that to someone because I find it highly unnecessary. If I want to know something about you, I'll ask you directly. And, whether some men believe it or not, there are many ways you can have a conversation with a woman, ask her questions and find out where her head is at without lying to her face.
 
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Lnacen said:
this is why I leave texting alone. It is just to informal to be used in dating. I think you handled it well though. Set your standards from the jump...
Click to expand...

AMEN. Texting is something I do with my neice or nephew when they have a quick question to ask me or Lord & Taylor letting me know that my payment has been credited to my account. :rolleyes:
 
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