How would you feel about your SO going out every other night?

[Dauntless]

Lately my fiance has been going out..Over his friends house to chill and play madden EVERY OTHER NIGHT......I'm not really concerned or suspecting him of cheating ( not saying it's not a possibility because we've had issues in the past)....I just had a baby 8 weeks ago and we decided we would take turns waking up to feed and change the baby during the night....so every other night when it's not his turn with the baby..he goes out. In my current situation I am the provider in the family, I work two jobs, attend college and I have a four year old daughter...I feel as if me and my SO spend no time together and the only time we can is when the kids are asleep and he chooses to go out...might I add that I can't stand the friends he chooses to hang out with since they are notourious for cheating, using drugs, not having jobs and being just plan scandolous...

So my question is how would u handle this situation? and would you tolerate your man going out every other night....?

 

[Cincysweetie]

Hmmm...sounds like a lot going on, I don't really know what to say. How old is he? Did he start going out around the time the new baby was born? I'm wondering if he's feeling a little overwhelmed by everything...the new baby, the other child in the house, the engagement/marriage...and hanging out with the friends on his night "off" is how he gets to relax, etc. I know how you feel though, I wouldn't like him going out every night either. Have you tried talking to him about this? That's really the best place to start...telling him how you feel.

 

[sr24]

I would definitely talk to him about this...He wouldnt feel good if he had to stay home and do everything while you went out and hung out with your friends...maybe give him like one day out of the month to go out and you get a day to go out too...sometimes you have to tell men what your feeling because most of the time they dont understand

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Hell to the naw. With all those side details, an end would be put to this quickly.

And lemme guess, he never asks if you wanna go out?

 

[Dauntless]

Whats funny is he is fine with me going out...nor does he care where I go or how long I stay out...So my night with the baby he is fine with my going out...He is the only guy Ive dated that could not dcare less where I was going or what
I was doing...I guess I should be thankful that he isn't pyscho and tripping when I wanna go out but he is a bit too lax ya kno? Even though he is fine with me going out I never do...Since I'm working two jobs and tgoing to school I'm too damn tired to go out and with my income being te only income I feel guilty spending money to go out...and If iI go out...I'm going OUT...I'm not going to sit in nobodys house...If I go out it's going to cost me money

 

[Dauntless]

He 23 and this is his 1st child...I had my daughter in a previous relationship...Me and him have been on and off since we were 13...when he went to the military and I college we went our seperate ways..we got back in touch when I was pregnant with my daughter I had left her father after he attacked me during the pregnancy...it was on the local news and he found a way to get in touch with me..we were great friends and we officially started dating again when my daughter turned 2. We only recenlty moved in together in April. He's not working right now..So I'm like what do u need to go out and relax from every other night? I feel as though I'm tolerating things I never thought I would. I've stopped wearing my ring and I'm about ending my lease early and going and living alone...Why take care of a man who can't take care of home?
i don't just mean financially..sex life is NON existant...I think I should jump ship b4 it gets worse...but that "stand by your man through rough times "mentality is telling me to stick it out. I've discussed my concerns with this every other night issue and I feel like a broken record... I feel like I'm settling for less and now I'm more in love with the thought of what we COULD BE...but probably never will be....Everything was cool when we were just friends living in different states seeing each other once a month.

 

[AlkalineSteam]

I went through a similar situation with my now husband. Although we didn't have a baby, I supported him for a few years after he was laid off and not really pressed to go back to work. I understood that he wanted to follow his dreams, but it was not easy to go to work, come home, have to clean and be generally underappreciated and then that **** goes out. Although I was invited to go, I didn't have the strength or attitude to go out after working a full day. I can't tell you how many arguments and fights we went though, but the whole time, feeling like a dummy, I didn't leave him.

Fast forward several years. Now we're both fully employed (he makes slightly more than me), have a great house and a great marriage. Now we go out most nights together. When I look back over that time I try to see it as a phase he was going through. He felt like he was trapped in a career he didn't like and saw the transition as an opportunity to try something different. After that experience, he began to have more confidence in himself and was soon ready to jump back into the job force.

The problem that I see in my situation and yours is that they don't seem to be able to understand what we're going through while they're out there finding themselves. Even now I don't think my husband really has an appreciation for how hard it was for me. I wanted to be supportive and I made it far too easy for him.

I think you need to evaluate the merit of your relationship. Is it really worth salvaging? That's a really tough question to ask when you have a new baby and so much going on in your life. But is it? When you tell him your concerns, does he listen? Do you think it has any effect? Is he feeling insecure since you're the breadwinner and such a go-getter? Does he have a plan? Are your marriage plans real or have you been engaged for a significant length of time? On the other hand, is he a great father and really good with the kids? Does he respect the time you need to study and juggles everything so you can concentrate?

Do some soul searching girl. I feel like concerns about him going out every other night are an indication of some much deeper issues.

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

AlkalineSteam, very well said!

I know me..... I'd sit down with him and have a "Come to Jesus". I can see where some things could be overwhelming for him but the time to evaluate that would be pre-baby not post. I can understand going out every now and then but when you have a family your a** should be at home. I was raised old school and I know that there are alot of folks that are going to disagree with me but he needs to be with his family instead of running around in the streets. I understand video games and the "break" but think about it. You're not going to go anywhere because you're too dang tired AND you put being a mom first.... which is the way it should be. (BTW I commend you on working two jobs and doing school. You betta do the dang thang girl!!! Proud of ya. That's hella hard to do.)

Normally I'd be all about trying to talk but something isn't sitting well and I can't put all of my finger on it. If you're tolerating.... something is definitely wrong.

Whatever you decide, I do wish you and your beautiful babies the best future that life has to offer.

 

[Dauntless]

We got engaged Christmas of lst year and looking back on it itr feels that I was a bit shot gun-ish...Thats why I stopped wearing my ring...It didn't feel genuine... I explained to him how hard it would be rasing a new born but I don't think he fully understood being those ALL of his friends have to or more kids and have little no to know involovement I think he viewed it to be easier than it is. I was raised old school too...My father was never out...My mom worked evenings so my dad was home feeding me, bathimng me and braiding my hair tucking me in bed.. I can't iagine my father or mother going out every other night when was a child. You just don't do that. If anything I will probably start going out once a month when he has a job...right now I want to spend whatever time i'm not working or studying with my kids....It bothers me that he doesnt feel that way...His parents weren't that way they were and are very hard working family oriented indiviuals..So I feel his gets his bad habits from his friends....He quit his job in April and couldn't find work so he started trying to mak fast money which led to him beng arrested and now he has a felony charge...So him finding a good job now will be much much harder...Its hard enough to find a job as is...His friends still live that lifestyle and I cant understand why he wants to be around people who are going no where in life...I don't see the appeal...I'm not sure if it's worth sticking this out ...I will pray hard on it...and hopefully I can clear my mind during chruch tomorrow.....I feel as those since he see's his friends not being active parents and his friend's SO's.. having no probelm with them being reckless he expects me to accept it as well

 

[honeycomb719]

We got engaged Christmas of lst year and looking back on it itr feels that I was a bit shot gun-ish...Thats why I stopped wearing my ring...It didn't feel genuine... I explained to him how hard it would be rasing a new born but I don't think he fully understood being those ALL of his friends have to or more kids and have little no to know involovement I think he viewed it to be easier than it is. I was raised old school too...My father was never out...My mom worked evenings so my dad was home feeding me, bathimng me and braiding my hair tucking me in bed.. I can't iagine my father or mother going out every other night when was a child. You just don't do that. If anything I will probably start going out once a month when he has a job...right now I want to spend whatever time i'm not working or studying with my kids....It bothers me that he doesnt feel that way...His parents weren't that way they were and are very hard working family oriented indiviuals..So I feel his gets his bad habits from his friends....He quit his job in April and couldn't find work so he started trying to mak fast money which led to him beng arrested and now he has a felony charge...So him finding a good job now will be much much harder...Its hard enough to find a job as is...His friends still live that lifestyle and I cant understand why he wants to be around people who are going no where in life...I don't see the appeal...I'm not sure if it's worth sticking this out ...I will pray hard on it...and hopefully I can clear my mind during chruch tomorrow.....I feel as those since he see's his friends not being active parents and his friend's SO's.. having no probelm with them being reckless he expects me to accept it as well

WOW! Sounds like you got some serious decision-making ahead of you. I agree with the other ladies, tell him how you feel and what you are expecting from him. Listen to what his plans, goals are (if any) and see where you and your children fit in. If you dont see a fit, then start making the best choices for you and your children as it is obvious by his choices that he wont, cant or aint.
As far as if I would put up with going out every other night, NO!! Simply put! I pregnant now and I wish my fiance would try that mess. We have an understanding as to what I expect from him and vice versa when it comes to rearing this child, so I doubt going out will be a problem for either of us.

Wishing you the best.... I know how frustrating this must be for you.

 

[NYAmicas]

1) I'm sorry to hear that you were attacked by your previous relationship and I'm happy you're not still with that "man".

2) Your dad sounds like a great guy! My father couldn't make heads nor tails of a comb and brush when it came to my hair. It sounds like you've come from a good upbringing.

3) I'm concerned with these factors a) 2 month old baby b) you're going to school c) working two jobs d) and solely taking care of everything.

4) If he is unable to find a job (why did he quit in April knowing a baby is on the way? and this really is odd-when you're both moving in together! sounds like he planned on you being the fallback and taking up the burden all along!) and with this felony (assuming it's a drug charge) how can he pay for school with financial aid to do something with his life?

5) From what you've typed it sounds like you already know what's up since you dont wear your ring and the way you've described everything. No intimacy either!? And he doesn't care how long you go out or where? I dont see what he needs a night off for! And no, DH would not be hanging out to play Madden with a newborn in the house and I'm already tired from school and work.

6) I'm just thankful that you're the provider and haven't married him yet. I say this because you can move out and not be compelled to stay because you're relying on him. Dont worry about him, you have enough children and responsibilities and after all, he has his friends.

I wish you the best whatever you decide Dauntless.......I sincerely think you deserve so much better!

 

[firecracker]

NO JOB NO TIME FOR INNOCENT FUN!

 

[ThickHair]

We got engaged Christmas of lst year and looking back on it itr feels that I was a bit shot gun-ish...Thats why I stopped wearing my ring...It didn't feel genuine... I explained to him how hard it would be rasing a new born but I don't think he fully understood being those ALL of his friends have to or more kids and have little no to know involovement I think he viewed it to be easier than it is. I was raised old school too...My father was never out...My mom worked evenings so my dad was home feeding me, bathimng me and braiding my hair tucking me in bed.. I can't iagine my father or mother going out every other night when was a child. You just don't do that. If anything I will probably start going out once a month when he has a job...right now I want to spend whatever time i'm not working or studying with my kids....It bothers me that he doesnt feel that way...His parents weren't that way they were and are very hard working family oriented indiviuals..So I feel his gets his bad habits from his friends....He quit his job in April and couldn't find work so he started trying to mak fast money which led to him beng arrested and now he has a felony charge...So him finding a good job now will be much much harder...Its hard enough to find a job as is...His friends still live that lifestyle and I cant understand why he wants to be around people who are going no where in life...I don't see the appeal...I'm not sure if it's worth sticking this out ...I will pray hard on it...and hopefully I can clear my mind during chruch tomorrow.....I feel as those since he see's his friends not being active parents and his friend's SO's.. having no probelm with them being reckless he expects me to accept it as well

Once you set prescidence (sp), that is the way it is always going to be. I made the mistake of trying to be "SuperWoman" and handling everything household\worldly and my exhusband soon didn't have any responsibilities except going to work. He did keep a job, good government job, but I had to take care of everything except wiping his behind. Fall back girl or you will always be the one doing EVERYTHING. We didn't have any children but I ended up feeling wiped out and used. You feel great in the beginning but the sh!t gets real old quickly.

GOOD LUCK, you are going to need it.

 

[mxdchiq86]

imo, you have to set boundaries in ur relationship. what is and what isn't acceptable to you? would your man be content with you doing the same thing? i don't support my husband doing anything that he dosen't support me doing. if you came home one day and told him that you were going out with ur girls so he would have to stay home with the baby and an argument arrises out of that.. that's when there's a problem. i'd be curious to know what makes him think this is okay. there's no problem hanging out with your friends but, when it becomes an everyday/every other day thing AND he's leaving you with the not so lax duties he needs to understand that that's not how you treat your better half. it's about team work, especially when it comes to children.

 

[Te'TahHead]

*sigh*

Let me say that I empathize with you.

I won't go on to bash you or your man, because you both are human and more times than not, there is always SOMETHING going on in a relationship.

Anywho, I want to let you know that this is a very common scenario in relationships. It seems at tho many men will/have gotten laid off from their jobs. The key here is to realize that it is NEVER okay for you/him and whomever else to become complacent in the environment where you are being close to superwoman.

If he is going out every other night that he isn't up for night Duty, then that leads no time for intimacy, commmunication and talking. It seems as though he is wanting to be a little boy when he has big boy responsibilities. I always tell my friend gals that you SHOW a man how to treat you. When you feel like he is digging you in the ground, many times, you are giving him the shovel to do so. I say, STOP trying to be superwoman. If he wants to be a Stay At Home Dad, he needs to do that. Communicate that you expect him to cook, clean, pick the kids up, etc. No need of sending those babies o childcare when he is home. This will relive you some financial burden.

You are doing way too much with two children, especially one being a newborn. You really need to open the lines of communication between you two and let him know that this is not okay.

You say "Why does he want to be around people who are going nowhere?" Maybe it is because he IS one of those people who don't want to go nowhere. I know that sounds harsh, but because we love them doesn't mean that they are always set on the right path. You two should have a talk which involves knowing and understanding his goals to you, the family, the marriage (if he truly wants to get married) and the finanical situation. If he seems rather comfortable in you proving while he is...playing his game, then you have some decisions to make.

Either way, this is not normal. I hope that you two can open the lines of communication to talk. Maybe he is depressed and stressed, hell, you are too.

ETA: Doe she seem to be upset that you don't wear your engagement ring? Because I know if my man gave me something with his hard earned money that exemplifies he desire to commit to me on a Godly level, and I wasn't wearing it; it would be trouble in the city. I can hear him sayin "Girl, you better put on that damn ring I spent so much money on" If he doesn't seem to care.. this is a problem. I don't want to make assumptions, but was the ring a "I'm sorry I cheated" gesture. Just wondering...

 

[pisceschica]

That would never happen. I only prefer to date other homebodies.

 

[Dauntless]

Thanks so much for the input ladies...the engagment was more so based on me not wanting to move in together with out serious future plans and I was upset about having to tell my father I was having another baby with no ring on my finger....His parents also wanted him to settle down and committ to being a family..He didn't pay a dime for the ring..It was a his mothers ring..don't get me wrong it's a beautiful ring..but like I said the situation was shot gun-ish..I've never caught him cheating..I have caught him as far as emails, myspace, texts making plans with other women and persuing other women...Never caught him actually cheating..Of course thats reason enough to leave a man and I should of..but I was already pregnant then and wanted to make it work...I feel like i'm forcing myself to accept things and deal with things just because we have a child...I don't feel attraction towards him anymoree and I don't think he is attracted to me...I put on 15 lbs. after the baby that I have no plans to lose because I LOVE having meat on my bones and feeling curvy...I think he prefered me much lighter.... and firecracker your siggy
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't" Erica Jong
well that seems to be this case because
I know what I need and want to do and I need to stop second guessing myself

 

[honeycomb719]

*sigh*

Let me say that I empathize with you.

I won't go on to bash you or your man, because you both are human and more times than not, there is always SOMETHING going on in a relationship.

Anywho, I want to let you know that this is a very common scenario in relationships. It seems at tho many men will/have gotten laid off from their jobs. The key here is to realize that it is NEVER okay for you/him and whomever else to become complacent in the environment where you are being close to superwoman.

If he is going out every other night that he isn't up for night Duty, then that leads no time for intimacy, commmunication and talking. It seems as though he is wanting to be a little boy when he has big boy responsibilities. I always tell my friend gals that you SHOW a man how to treat you. When you feel like he is digging you in the ground, many times, you are giving him the shovel to do so. I say, STOP trying to be superwoman. If he wants to be a Stay At Home Dad, he needs to do that. Communicate that you expect him to cook, clean, pick the kids up, etc. No need of sending those babies o childcare when he is home. This will relive you some financial burden.

You are doing way too much with two children, especially one being a newborn. You really need to open the lines of communication between you two and let him know that this is not okay.
You say "Why does he want to be around people who are going nowhere?" Maybe it is because he IS one of those people who don't want to go nowhere. I know that sounds harsh, but because we love them doesn't mean that they are always set on the right path. You two should have a talk which involves knowing and understanding his goals to you, the family, the marriage (if he truly wants to get married) and the finanical situation. If he seems rather comfortable in you proving while he is...playing his game, then you have some decisions to make.
Either way, this is not normal. I hope that you two can open the lines of communication to talk. Maybe he is depressed and stressed, hell, you are too.

ETA: Doe she seem to be upset that you don't wear your engagement ring? Because I know if my man gave me something with his hard earned money that exemplifies he desire to commit to me on a Godly level, and I wasn't wearing it; it would be trouble in the city. I can hear him sayin "Girl, you better put on that damn ring I spent so much money on" If he doesn't seem to care.. this is a problem. I don't want to make assumptions, but was the ring a "I'm sorry I cheated" gesture. Just wondering...

My sentiments are in the red and bolded. Good advice!!

 

[Te'TahHead]

Thanks so much for the input ladies...the engagment was more so based on me not wanting to move in together with out serious future plans and I was upset about having to tell my father I was having another baby with no ring on my finger....His parents also wanted him to settle down and committ to being a family..He didn't pay a dime for the ring..It was a his mothers ring..don't get me wrong it's a beautiful ring..but like I said the situation was shot gun-ish..I've never caught him cheating..I have caught him as far as emails, myspace, texts making plans with other women and persuing other women...Never caught him actually cheating..Of course thats reason enough to leave a man and I should of..but I was already pregnant then and wanted to make it work...I feel like i'm forcing myself to accept things and deal with things just because we have a child...I don't feel attraction towards him anymoree and I don't think he is attracted to me...I put on 15 lbs. after the baby that I have no plans to lose because I LOVE having meat on my bones and feeling curvy...I think he prefered me much lighter.... and firecracker your siggy
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't" Erica Jong
well that seems to be this case because
I know what I need and want to do and I need to stop second guessing myself

It seems that you (on the basis of this post) are caught up in maintaining 'face' rather than a sound mind. Homeboy appears to have no incentive for being who you want him to be, or who he SHOULD be, rather. Forget what your family may think, or feel about you having two children unmarried (that ship has sailed) and do what is best for you and YOUR babies. Can you mentally, emotionally, and financially afford to take care of him AND your kids. Can you pick the tab for gas to the homies, his night outs and other bills?

I can almost understand him not having a job.

My personal bit: My man became unemployed in January. He is stuck in a rut and I truly believe that he didn't have the confidence to enter the workforce. He has been rejected many times. Also, he has a felony, that he acquired AFTER he recieved his BS in Criminal Justice. it's not a drug felony (long story) but it's good and damned enough to disqualify him from any employment his hard earned degree could have afforded him. Choices.

I am with you, where I picked up a second job and I am in school, working on my MA. It would seem as though I became resentful of him. No, actually, I did. He would watch television while I cooked, cleaned, and tried to maintain home. He would complain about what I made, how strong the cleaning products were, or how tired I was to stay up and talk to him. One day, I realized I was becoming an enabler. I ENABLED him to sit, WHILE I WAS SUPERWOMAN. My God said that a man feeds himself and his family by "the sweat of his brow". So, what I did was back off of trying to be the "ride or die" and become more vocal of my wants and needs. Ride or die is not a real woman, it is a weak girl that some lame man made up so that a woman would remain in his existence throughout any dumb thing he did. I am not her. I made the choice to not be her. Choices, again.

So, I told him; not in the midst of an argument either. I said, I need help. I'm not asking you to give up your dream (he was/is a professional athlete and he kept getting cut from teams.. he didn't want a "real job") but I NEED help. I am supportive of whatever he feels will get him on the right track, but I was dog tired. Men sometimes will do wrong, not always intentionally, and continue because they don't KNOW you are feeling like that. I told him I wasnt ready to be HIS mother too. It wasn't that I threatened him, I was actually ready to leave. That's a difference. It was magic. he would massage my feet, he cooks, cleans, watches our son, take him to and fro school, and even suprises me with romantic dinners and other things. Our relationship changed dramatically.

Later on, he did get another job, but he remained doing those things. Communication is a great thing, but it MUST be followed by guidelines and ACTIONS if those guidelines aren't followed.

 

[TayMac]

Good luck to you! It seems your SO is causing you more stress instead of lightening your load at this point. I hope you can talk and works things out. I would not be ok with the going out every other night..that is excessive IMO.

 

[Peace in Prose]

Me and my husband had that type of problem but less severe. He would stay out all night and all night to me when you are married is 2am!!!(leaving at 9) My thoughts on marriage is I didn't appreciate sleeping alone. If I wanted to do that I would have stayed single.

But he had a different view. I would raise hell and we would fight and it continued. One day he went to his friends house not even one block away and stayed till 12p!!! He came in hungover (and that's no excuse in my book because I don't drink) and I didn't say anything. I took the car went to the lake, got a bit to eat ordered him a plate and took it home to him). I did not argue, he apologized and we had a brief discussion and it has not happen since.

I believe it was the role reversal. He had to depend and lean on me and that is what a marriage is all about. You are not by yourself. Ofttimes you have to do things and think about the interest of someone else and it's harder for guys to let that go. At least you got before the marriage to resolve this issue and to question your union, b/c I did, I was like why the hell did you marry me if you are not going to be here

I know he sometimes misses it but it does not compare to the life we have now. I think about my days in university, clubbing til all hours of the night to skip class in the morning but how long will you be content with that?

 

[Peace in Prose]

And to add he has a FAMILY now before the Ultimate committment. He has his foot in two world. IDK to me he is trying to figure out where he wants to be. I would advise him how I feel in a non confrontation way and then suggest we take this day to be just us. that way he know when to be home. if that works out add an extra day for like family and then afterwards alone time.

Eventually if he figures out where he wants to be the time with his friends will be limited. Just an idea. I seen so often the other route ending up with the man trying to assert his manhood, by so-call doing what they wanna do.

Edited: I just read the other post. Aw Lawd girl. I stand corrected sometimes it's good to light a fire under that ***! You can be like look I understand how you're feeling right now even if you don't express it but this ring symbolizes a start to a committment. that's a start and you are going backward, I see your behavior, it's destructive...

It looks like you know what to do without all this advise, but you're hesitant. It may be hard but if you factor him out of your life now will it get any harder for you or stay the same. He cannot elevate you if he remains stagnant.

 

[treybaby2005]

I went through a similar situation with my now husband. Although we didn't have a baby, I supported him for a few years after he was laid off and not really pressed to go back to work. I understood that he wanted to follow his dreams, but it was not easy to go to work, come home, have to clean and be generally underappreciated and then that **** goes out. Although I was invited to go, I didn't have the strength or attitude to go out after working a full day. I can't tell you how many arguments and fights we went though, but the whole time, feeling like a dummy, I didn't leave him.

Fast forward several years. Now we're both fully employed (he makes slightly more than me), have a great house and a great marriage. Now we go out most nights together. When I look back over that time I try to see it as a phase he was going through. He felt like he was trapped in a career he didn't like and saw the transition as an opportunity to try something different. After that experience, he began to have more confidence in himself and was soon ready to jump back into the job force.

The problem that I see in my situation and yours is that they don't seem to be able to understand what we're going through while they're out there finding themselves. Even now I don't think my husband really has an appreciation for how hard it was for me. I wanted to be supportive and I made it far too easy for him.

I think you need to evaluate the merit of your relationship. Is it really worth salvaging? That's a really tough question to ask when you have a new baby and so much going on in your life. But is it? When you tell him your concerns, does he listen? Do you think it has any effect? Is he feeling insecure since you're the breadwinner and such a go-getter? Does he have a plan? Are your marriage plans real or have you been engaged for a significant length of time? On the other hand, is he a great father and really good with the kids? Does he respect the time you need to study and juggles everything so you can concentrate?

Do some soul searching girl. I feel like concerns about him going out every other night are an indication of some much deeper issues.

I agree with you.My so and I used to go through it ALOT when he would go out.Many times he would go out from what someone else said here "because you don't tell me what to do I'm a man"Whatever.Then,I got a life.I found LHCF among other hobbies and you know what?Since I stopped making a big deal about it,now he home ALL the time!Maybe because we had a child or because maybe going out got a little old.He does go out occasionally to play the game with his friends and sometimes they come over to our home.

 

[LunadeMiel]

((((HUGS)))) OP I can feel your frustration. The ladies have already given you some really great advice.

 

[Dauntless]

Thanks for the advice ladies it very much appreciated TRUST ME...I mean I like my time to myself as well I don't get much of it anymore and he gets it in abundance so I think that gets to me..like right now I'm on here and typing a paper for class at the same time... I feel as though I've enabled him so long that when I threaten to leave he isn't phased..I did kick him out after he quit his job and started trying to be a "hustler" he moved back in about a week after the baby ....He is out right now and honestly I'm cool with it at this moment because I'm getting my thoughts together and when he gets home we will have a major discussion on what needs to change and what I expect in a relationship...After that talk I will give him a month to get his ish together, if there is no change and no promising sign of change or effort I will be taking my key off his chain and thatll be that...I have no fear in being a single mother..i feel like i'm still one now...I'm not going to tell him he has a month to get his ish right cuz knowing him he'll butter me up the last week....Is a month a resonable amount of time to see a significant change in a man>?
Also..I'm not scared to be alone at all and I feel in my heart that me and him are meant to be friends and we would be better off living in seperate homes and sharing custody of our son...when I express this to him he is like " no i want to be with you I want to be in this relationship" When he says that all I hear is " No I want to stay here and be taken care of I'm not ready to hop off this gravy train and be responsible" and I keep envisioning that I'm going to take care of this man for his sake and when he does start acting right, get his life together and get a job he'll be out the door and dating other women and I'll have wasted all my time and money...and the fact that he doesn't care what I do where i go or if I wear the ring or not really has me thinking that he is just sticking around now for the free ride..Ladies you all are lovely for helping me with this situation

 

[Sweet C]

Quick question; Does he watches the kids while you are at work/school?

 

[firecracker]

Once you set prescidence (sp), that is the way it is always going to be. I made the mistake of trying to be "SuperWoman" and handling everything household\worldly and my exhusband soon didn't have any responsibilities except going to work. He did keep a job, good government job, but I had to take care of everything except wiping his behind. Fall back girl or you will always be the one doing EVERYTHING. We didn't have any children but I ended up feeling wiped out and used. You feel great in the beginning but the sh!t gets real old quickly.

GOOD LUCK, you are going to need it.

A woman should never taken on the role of the man in the relationship or household. I wouldn't even give him a pass on his past behavior and that felony outcome. He made his bed now he has to lie in it by working 50-11 times harder at getting and maintaining a job with a criminal record.
I think your the one that needs the mini breaks since your plate is full with work, school and kids. He is living free and he also needs to watch those kids 80% of the time til he finds a steady job.

 

[CandiceC]

Thanks for the advice ladies it very much appreciated TRUST ME...I mean I like my time to myself as well I don't get much of it anymore and he gets it in abundance so I think that gets to me..like right now I'm on here and typing a paper for class at the same time... I feel as though I've enabled him so long that when I threaten to leave he isn't phased..I did kick him out after he quit his job and started trying to be a "hustler" he moved back in about a week after the baby ....He is out right now and honestly I'm cool with it at this moment because I'm getting my thoughts together and when he gets home we will have a major discussion on what needs to change and what I expect in a relationship...After that talk I will give him a month to get his ish together, if there is no change and no promising sign of change or effort I will be taking my key off his chain and thatll be that...I have no fear in being a single mother..i feel like i'm still one now...I'm not going to tell him he has a month to get his ish right cuz knowing him he'll butter me up the last week....Is a month a resonable amount of time to see a significant change in a man>?
Also..I'm not scared to be alone at all and I feel in my heart that me and him are meant to be friends and we would be better off living in seperate homes and sharing custody of our son...when I express this to him he is like " no i want to be with you I want to be in this relationship" When he says that all I hear is " No I want to stay here and be taken care of I'm not ready to hop off this gravy train and be responsible" and I keep envisioning that I'm going to take care of this man for his sake and when he does start acting right, get his life together and get a job he'll be out the door and dating other women and I'll have wasted all my time and money...and the fact that he doesn't care what I do where i go or if I wear the ring or not really has me thinking that he is just sticking around now for the free ride..Ladies you all are lovely for helping me with this situation

This is probably true. erplexed
You do not have to live in the same household to be in a relationship. You two aren't married. He can move out and show you that he really wants to be in the relationship. You'd probably end up seeing him more if he moves out. And then you wouldn't have to be concerned about how often he's out with his friends because he's not living with you anyway.
When he gets it together you can move in with him and he can take care of you and the children. If he doesn't, he wasn't going to do that anyway. Enabling him already isn't working for you so you need to try something different. Have him move out and maybe he'll grow up.

Please don't marry him any time soon. Things that are wrong only get worse after marriage. Trust me on this!! I know. Work on this beforehand and make sure he can show and prove something better than what he's doing right now.

(((Hugs)))

 

[NYAmicas]

Thanks for the advice ladies it very much appreciated TRUST ME...I mean I like my time to myself as well I don't get much of it anymore and he gets it in abundance so I think that gets to me..like right now I'm on here and typing a paper for class at the same time... I feel as though I've enabled him so long that when I threaten to leave he isn't phased..I did kick him out after he quit his job and started trying to be a "hustler" he moved back in about a week after the baby ....He is out right now and honestly I'm cool with it at this moment because I'm getting my thoughts together and when he gets home we will have a major discussion on what needs to change and what I expect in a relationship...After that talk I will give him a month to get his ish together, if there is no change and no promising sign of change or effort I will be taking my key off his chain and thatll be that...I have no fear in being a single mother..i feel like i'm still one now...I'm not going to tell him he has a month to get his ish right cuz knowing him he'll butter me up the last week....Is a month a resonable amount of time to see a significant change in a man>?
Also..I'm not scared to be alone at all and I feel in my heart that me and him are meant to be friends and we would be better off living in seperate homes and sharing custody of our son...when I express this to him he is like " no i want to be with you I want to be in this relationship" When he says that all I hear is " No I want to stay here and be taken care of I'm not ready to hop off this gravy train and be responsible" and I keep envisioning that I'm going to take care of this man for his sake and when he does start acting right, get his life together and get a job he'll be out the door and dating other women and I'll have wasted all my time and money...and the fact that he doesn't care what I do where i go or if I wear the ring or not really has me thinking that he is just sticking around now for the free ride..Ladies you all are lovely for helping me with this situation

This last section speaks loud and clear Dauntless. As for a month I'm cringing because that month may stretch into 2 months, heck, even 3 but it's pretty fair. Just stick to it! And while he knows the date make plans so when that date has arrived and he hasn't changed you can just call on the locksmith without the drama. I dont like the fact (besides the chilling while you're struggling and not being considerate about the baby) that he doesn't care about the ring or mind where you go. I bet he'd mind if you packed all your things and left him in that house without a dime! I hope you Ace that paper!

 

[treybaby2005]

This last section speaks loud and clear Dauntless. As for a month I'm cringing because that month may stretch into 2 months, heck, even 3 but it's pretty fair. Just stick to it! And while he knows the date make plans so when that date has arrived and he hasn't changed you can just call on the locksmith without the drama. I dont like the fact (besides the chilling while you're struggling and not being considerate about the baby) that he doesn't care about the ring or mind where you go. I bet he'd mind if you packed all your things and left him in that house without a dime! I hope you Ace that paper!

Ain't that the truth!I don't like the fact he doesn't care where you go either.Maybe he doesn't care about the ring because those aren't his intentions to get married anytime soon.Women in general sometimes are so pressed with getting a ring within a certain time period,men know this,they have heard us and it still doesn't necessarily mean he wants to get married.It just buys time for ten years.
Sometimes men can be sooo pathetic.Many men use women as an option to get somewhere in life by doing absolutely nothing but being good in bed.And coming home at night no matter what time the point is they are home.I see it everyday.So you see right through his arse.Reminds me of the thread where the question was posed "do men get women pregnant on purpose"Not saying that was the case but in your scenario,with you holding it down,doing your thing,then he quits his job?Possibly.