How Upfront Are You With a New Guy About Your Views on Sex and Relationships?

[NYLegalNewbie]

How soon do you let a guy know where you stand as far as sex is concerned?

If you're the kind of woman who has to wait until she's in a relationship to be sexually intimate with a guy, do you tell him that from the get go, or do you just fend off his advances until you're ready to give in?

I recently communicated to a guy that I wanted to wait until I was in a relationship with him before I had sexual contact with him because kissing. I tried (although I don't know how effectively) to let him know that I wasn't attempting to use sex as a bargaining chip - no hurry on my end to get a guy to commit. But just that that's where I stand with things. I kinda feel like I was bumbling in the communication department - he's the first guy that I've gone out with since I went off of my self imposed dating hiatus, and I am honestly quite new at being so forward in setting sexual boundaries. So my fear is that I might have come off as really wanting to clamp down on him in the relationship department (which isn't the case...I love spending time with him, but there are still some significant questions as to whether or not he's a good match for me that can only be resolved with time).

 

[robot.]

i let a guy know as soon as he starts hinting, if not blatantly asking, about it. i don't have time to waste on guys who won't respect me or my body and i was always raised to know better.

it depends on the guy, though. if i don't things will go very far, i try to keep conversations light. no talking about kids, marriage, or future plans. so far, it's worked out pretty well. but i let guys know off the bat, it usually comes up in conversation pretty easily, how i feel about sex and that i'm conservative in taking on partners when the relationship isn't very old. it takes a lot for me to build up trust enough to trust someone else with my body.

 

[chicacanella]

How soon do you let a guy know where you stand as far as sex is concerned?

If you're the kind of woman who has to wait until she's in a relationship to be sexually intimate with a guy, do you tell him that from the get go, or do you just fend off his advances until you're ready to give in?

I recently communicated to a guy that I wanted to wait until I was in a relationship with him before I had sexual contact with him because kissing. I tried (although I don't know how effectively) to let him know that I wasn't attempting to use sex as a bargaining chip - no hurry on my end to get a guy to commit. But just that that's where I stand with things. I kinda feel like I was bumbling in the communication department - he's the first guy that I've gone out with since I went off of my self imposed dating hiatus, and I am honestly quite new at being so forward in setting sexual boundaries. So my fear is that I might have come off as really wanting to clamp down on him in the relationship department (which isn't the case...I love spending time with him, but there are still some significant questions as to whether or not he's a good match for me that can only be resolved with time).

i am kind of having the same problem with my guy. The topic of celibacy came up and he was like, "are you serious?" I'm like, "yep."


He's like, "Well, how do you expect me to be with an attractive, beautiful, young lady as yourself and know that I will never be able to make love to her?"

I found myself faltering a bit cause you know guys can become very persuasive when it comes to that.

So I said, "Well, I am not saying never. You know after six months I would feel kind of obligated to do that." Sometimes, you do feel that way and you can even become weak yourself that is why it is good to have someone who is on the same page as you and will try just as hard as you.

Now, I want to stay celibate until marriage and am hoping and should be praying faithfully not to slip up. I just met a acquaintance of a friend who says he is celibate also but guys say anything when they first meet you.


Sometimes, I don't even feel like bring up sex because it just changes everything. Yet, I would hate to tell a guy I have a six-month rule and when it comes, he doesn't receive his end of the "bargan." I mean, it would let me know where he is coming from in the first place and on the other hand, I would be kind of deceitful for not letting him make the decision on his own up front.

 

[prettypuff1]

i am kind of having the same problem with my guy. The topic of celibacy came up and he was like, "are you serious?" I'm like, "yep."


He's like, "Well, how do you expect me to be with an attractive, beautiful, young lady as yourself and know that I will never be able to make love to her?"

I found myself faltering a bit cause you know guys can become very persuasive when it comes to that.

So I said, "Well, I am not saying never. You know after six months I would feel kind of obligated to do that." Sometimes, you do feel that way and you can even become weak yourself that is why it is good to have someone who is on the same page as you and will try just as hard as you.

Now, I want to stay celibate until marriage and am hoping and should be praying faithfully not to slip up. I just met a acquaintance of a friend who says he is celibate also but guys say anything when they first meet you.


Sometimes, I don't even feel like bring up sex because it just changes everything. Yet, I would hate to tell a guy I have a six-month rule and when it comes, he doesn't receive his end of the "bargan." I mean, it would let me know where he is coming from in the first place and on the other hand, I would be kind of deceitful for not letting him make the decision on his own up front.

I see some serious issues with some of the bolded tricks men try to pull on us. He doesnt have any self control when it comes to sexerplexed...


I always let a man know what is and isnt going down when it comes to sex. If i want a booty call or looking to start a true relationship, i let them know from jump street so that there is no confusion/hurt feelings when u get shut down or it doesn't go the way you want it too.

OP, I wouldn't give a time for when u will consider sex either. I think u can just as easily saythat there will be no nooky until u aren ready and get the point across. ITA that they will start to bother u about it or think u don't like them because u didnt assume the position the day of your 6 month anniversary. For you that means u will be ready on ur wedding night.

Men are pitiful

 

[Crackers Phinn]

sex IS a barganing chip

I get the conversation out of the way as soon as it's hinted at.

I would also suggest not giving a timeline. With the wrong type of dude, he'll waste your time being on his best behavior til the deadline. Unfortunately, if he's good at being deceptive, you don't know he's shady until after the fact.

 

[chicacanella]

I see some serious issues with some of the bolded tricks men try to pull on us. He doesnt have any self control when it comes to sexerplexed...


I always let a man know what is and isnt going down when it comes to sex. If i want a booty call or looking to start a true relationship, i let them know from jump street so that there is no confusion/hurt feelings when u get shut down or it doesn't go the way you want it too.

OP, I wouldn't give a time for when u will consider sex either. I think u can just as easily saythat there will be no nooky until u aren ready and get the point across. ITA that they will start to bother u about it or think u don't like them because u didnt assume the position the day of your 6 month anniversary. For you that means u will be ready on ur wedding night.

Men are pitiful

you know, i never really thought about it that way...the self control but I can see where you are coming from.

Sure, I was created to function sexually just like men are but sometimes it just seems like they place so much emphasis on our anatomy i.e. vagina.

Dating now-a-days is so hard, but when has it ever been easy. *sigh*

 

[chicacanella]

sex IS a barganing chip

I get the conversation out of the way as soon as it's hinted at.

I would also suggest not giving a timeline. With the wrong type of dude, he'll waste your time being on his best behavior til the deadline. Unfortunately, if he's good at being deceptive, you don't know he's shady until after the fact.

How would you not give a timeline...that seems deceptive to me.


Like, I know that I am striving to be celibate and then I say, "You know, whenever the time is right..that is when I believe in...." Knowing it isn't true but on the other hand, they are the ones being deceptive by just hanging in for one thing. That seems desperate to me being that there are so many women out here that will give it up no strings attached. But they don't want these types though.

 

[scorpio70]

I think it's a mistake to give a timeline too. let's face it, unless you are waiting until marriage, the timeline IS arbitrary. When we say, 6 months. What we're really thinking is, in 6 months, he and I should have developed a bond that will allow me to trust him enough to share my body with him. Or we think that 6 months is enough time to have shared certain, non-sexual experiences, i.e. had our first argument and recovered, seen each other up and down. These experiences could happen in 4 months or maybe not until 8 months. it all just depends on the couple. Men know that it's arbitrary and a way to control the pace of the rel'ship, which is why they rebel against it. So, don't share your timeline.

 

[chicacanella]

yeah, i agree it's best to say nothing at all. I was hoping that my honesty could receive something positive in return.

 

[prettypuff1]

How would you not give a timeline...that seems deceptive to me.


Like, I know that I am striving to be celibate and then I say, "You know, whenever the time is right..that is when I believe in...." Knowing it isn't true but on the other hand, they are the ones being deceptive by just hanging in for one thing. That seems desperate to me being that there are so many women out here that will give it up no strings attached. But they don't want these types though.

It isnt deceptive. Just because you are dating, doesnt mean u have to toss up the panties. You dont have to tell him when u are gonna give it up to him, make him work for it. If you want something long lasting, dont tell him and make him truly stick around for you. It shouldnt be like a count down to cooter, it should just happen when u are ready.

 

[lexi08]

How would you not give a timeline...that seems deceptive to me.


Like, I know that I am striving to be celibate and then I say, "You know, whenever the time is right..that is when I believe in...." Knowing it isn't true but on the other hand, they are the ones being deceptive by just hanging in for one thing. That seems desperate to me being that there are so many women out here that will give it up no strings attached. But they don't want these types though.

I agree with Jcoily, don't give a timeline Men will wait you out and then flip the switch. You are not being deceptive at all.

 

[holland]

With my current boyfriend, I let him know my views on the second date. I did not want to waste anyone's time. By our 2nd date, he also told me that he was not interested in a serious relationship so an intimate relationship was definitely out of the question. I am glad we got that out of the way. Our relationship remained platonic for well over a year before we began dating each other seriously.

 

[chicacanella]

It isnt deceptive. Just because you are dating, doesnt mean u have to toss up the panties. You dont have to tell him when u are gonna give it up to him, make him work for it. If you want something long lasting, dont tell him and make him truly stick around for you. It shouldnt be like a count down to cooter, it should just happen when u are ready.

I don't know but it seems as if some guys come to expect sex after only dating for 2.5 or three months. It is too scary out here to just jump from guy to guy to guy. Do you know how many men I can date in a year-to think that they believe it's ok to just give myself to every one of them is absurd.

And yeah, I do want him to appreciate me for me. I hate when they make you feel as if they can't live without sex and "Oh, it's just how men are made, blah, blah, blah."

 

[prettypuff1]

I don't know but it seems as if some guys come to expect sex after only dating for 2.5 or three months. It is too scary out here to just jump from guy to guy to guy. Do you know how many men I can date in a year-to think that they believe it's ok to just give myself to every one of them is absurd.

And yeah, I do want him to appreciate me for me. I hate when they make you feel as if they can't live without sex and "Oh, it's just how men are made, blah, blah, blah."

You would be surprised... there are guys who want it on date one....


I am as sexually liberated as the next one, but geeze dude, if we are trying to date then lets not...

 

[janiebaby]

I don't mention it unless someone is blatantly asking about it (which isn't cute). If someone is making sexual innuendos and we haven't gone there yet then I find it offensive (and a turn-off) and tell them "I don't think that's appropriate".

Who cares what he thinks? It's a turn-off in my book and that's all that matters. If he uses the "we're both grown" line then I reply: "Yes, and I feel that it is inappropriate for grown folks conversation". The less words you use the better.

I then continue to be the "flirt" (no tease) that I AM (just came to grips with it). Once he sees that I'm not trying to use sex as a bargaining chip because I pretty much "flirt" with everyone in a non-sexual way he'll realize that just as easily as he came along another one will be by shortly. After the convo or should I say "test" we calmly move past it like nothing ever happened.

Trying to hold him at bay ain't gonna do the trick. Don't play with men because women have tendency to be the ones to get played because we have the most to lose.

I dictate whether or not we're gonna take it there so they can ease up and enjoy the view cause I'm not getting up off of it until I'm good and ready (no time limit).

 

[Ramya]

Well I'm celibate and plan to be that way until I'm married. I usually have a conversation with the guy around the 3rd date and I try to be very open and honest about it. I also let it be known that there is NO compromise in this department. Usually followed by "If this is not something that you think you can handle, we can end this now." I've learned to find out their views on sex early on b/c it will become an issue at some point.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

All of you make some really good points.

When I spoke with him about it, I didn't give a timeline at all. I just told him that unless we were dating seriously/in a relationship/boyfriend-girlfriend, then it wasn't happening.

The conversation was prompted when we had a pretty intense make out session. Nothing beyond kissing and whatnot, but I could tell he was getting very riled up. Not to brag, but I'm well aware of the fact that, at least physically speaking, I drive this guy absolutely crazy. He whispered a few, ahem, "naughty" things and I laughed them off saying, "Oh well that sounds great...but uh, it ain't happening until you're my man, so I hope you can deal with stuff not going any further than this." He paused for a bit and got an expression on his face, can't quite describe it. I guess, contemplative maybe? But, the moment passed and then he went back to normal.

We had another conversation in the car ride over when I tried to be a bit more clear on where I stand - that waiting until I had a relationship is not intended to pressure a guy to commit.

We went out Saturday night, and I haven't heard from him as of yet (a bit surprising considering that the last time we went out, he asked me out again immediately). So, I have to wonder if the revelation that, yes, I am open to having a relationship and no sex will NOT happen until I am in a relationship scared him off. I also wonder if, as I mentioned before, he might have misinterpreted it to mean that I'm looking to rush things along, which isn't true.

At any rate, I suppose if he is scared off, then perhaps he wasn't as interested in me as an individual like he claimed and was looking for a summer fling. Better not to waste time with a guy like that I suppose...*sigh*

 

[janiebaby]

^^^He may be trying to play it cool so don't worry about it.


on the other hand....

I know you didn't mean to come off like you were rushing things but I can see how he can think you were and from it seems like you can understand where he would be coming from as well.

I don't believe in getting hot and heavy with a guy that I have no intentions on going the long mile with. I think I would be playin myself and it would get frustrating for the both of us. Men say that "it gets a bit old" for them when women do this so I think he would be thinking from that point of view.

 

[MD_Lady]

How soon do you let a guy know where you stand as far as sex is concerned?

If you're the kind of woman who has to wait until she's in a relationship to be sexually intimate with a guy, do you tell him that from the get go, or do you just fend off his advances until you're ready to give in?

I recently communicated to a guy that I wanted to wait until I was in a relationship with him before I had sexual contact with him because kissing. I tried (although I don't know how effectively) to let him know that I wasn't attempting to use sex as a bargaining chip - no hurry on my end to get a guy to commit. But just that that's where I stand with things. I kinda feel like I was bumbling in the communication department - he's the first guy that I've gone out with since I went off of my self imposed dating hiatus, and I am honestly quite new at being so forward in setting sexual boundaries. So my fear is that I might have come off as really wanting to clamp down on him in the relationship department (which isn't the case...I love spending time with him, but there are still some significant questions as to whether or not he's a good match for me that can only be resolved with time).

As long as we really are "friends", the discussion can wait. However, when we become close (i.e. holding hands or hugging), I tell him my feelings about getting physical (namely that I don't get involved with someone whom I'm not dating). It sounds like we're on the same page as far as boundaries go and I think you were right to put your feelings out there. I understand how awkward it can feel, but just make sure to include the why and why not when telling him your P.O.V. (as you did when you said you weren't trying to use sex as a bargaining tool) so he understands where you're coming from.

 

[MD_Lady]

All of you make some really good points.

When I spoke with him about it, I didn't give a timeline at all. I just told him that unless we were dating seriously/in a relationship/boyfriend-girlfriend, then it wasn't happening.

The conversation was prompted when we had a pretty intense make out session. Nothing beyond kissing and whatnot, but I could tell he was getting very riled up. Not to brag, but I'm well aware of the fact that, at least physically speaking, I drive this guy absolutely crazy. He whispered a few, ahem, "naughty" things and I laughed them off saying, "Oh well that sounds great...but uh, it ain't happening until you're my man, so I hope you can deal with stuff not going any further than this." He paused for a bit and got an expression on his face, can't quite describe it. I guess, contemplative maybe? But, the moment passed and then he went back to normal.

We had another conversation in the car ride over when I tried to be a bit more clear on where I stand - that waiting until I had a relationship is not intended to pressure a guy to commit.

We went out Saturday night, and I haven't heard from him as of yet (a bit surprising considering that the last time we went out, he asked me out again immediately). So, I have to wonder if the revelation that, yes, I am open to having a relationship and no sex will NOT happen until I am in a relationship scared him off. I also wonder if, as I mentioned before, he might have misinterpreted it to mean that I'm looking to rush things along, which isn't true.

At any rate, I suppose if he is scared off, then perhaps he wasn't as interested in me as an individual like he claimed and was looking for a summer fling. Better not to waste time with a guy like that I suppose...*sigh*

I've been there. Based on what you said, I think you made your intentions perfectly clear. If he was scared off, it really is better that you found out now.

 

[simplertimes]

I tell guys upfront I do NOT want casual sex. Of course most men are idiots and you have to show them this by distancing yourself from them sexually.....

 

[chicacanella]

I tell guys upfront I do NOT want casual sex. Of course most men are idiots and you have to show them this by distancing yourself from them sexually.....

yeah, being celibate is hard though. You guys aren't making any easier by making all these "great sex" threads. J/K.

It's just like reading a novel to me though.

 

[Butterfly08]

i am kind of having the same problem with my guy. The topic of celibacy came up and he was like, "are you serious?" I'm like, "yep."


He's like, "Well, how do you expect me to be with an attractive, beautiful, young lady as yourself and know that I will never be able to make love to her?"

I found myself faltering a bit cause you know guys can become very persuasive when it comes to that.

That sounds like a load of BS. I don't doubt that you are beautiful, but that just smacks of a BS line to me.