How to Get (And Keep) a Man 101

[rozlips]

I'm sorry, but I feel a little obtuse here. When you mention feelings/ego/emotions, what exactly are you referring to? What is he doing/not doing that makes you feel abandoned? And what should he do to keep you from feeling that way? Does he not call frequently enough? Is he not attentive enough? What exactly is the problem?

 

[klassykutie]

I'm sorry, but I feel a little obtuse here. When you mention feelings/ego/emotions, what exactly are you referring to? What is he doing/not doing that makes you feel abandoned? And what should he do to keep you from feeling that way? Does he not call frequently enough? Is he not attentive enough? What exactly is the problem?

Attentive. I can talk to him and he is not paying attention. Lol...I have others to talk to cause I know I cannot depend on him to be everything. But there are sometimes I wish that I could talk to him and he can show me he is listening and really cares about what I am talking about. Not when I am just talking, but when I am talking about something that bothers me, something bad happened during my day, etc...

 

[kisz4tj]

Treat his mouth as if you're delicately licking an ice cream cone. This can be incredibly sensuous. Don't forget the roof of his mouth either, if your tongue is long enough, stroke it too. I guarantee this will make him shiver. Men's necks can also be extraordinarily sensitive. A soft kiss, stroke of the tongue or a gentle nip there as you end the kiss will send him into the stratosphere.

I've been told that I'm a good kisser, very sensual But I knew that I could pick up a tip or two....I LOVE kissing....there was a thread awhile ago, and I couldn't believe how many women don't. I have definitely neglected the roof I woulda neva thunk it! hmmm....I've got work to do, I hope its long enough

 

[sunnyjohn]

Roz, your next book needs to be on this topic. Girl, you gat MASSIVE GAME!

 

[MissJ]

Did I suggest otherwise. And for proving that it does or does not work, I can point out that my mama had three husbands and buried them all except for my daddy who she stayed married to for 40+ years. I've been married for seven years, and have three ex-fiancees, that I decided not to marry. My sister has been married to her dh for 25+ years as have several of my girlfriends. I haven't suggested anything fake or unreal, simply warning folks of the pitfalls to avoid.

Well, what would you suggest to bring about this? Most of your tips apply to new relationships. What about the grown folks' stuff?

 

[rozlips]

Attentive. I can talk to him and he is not paying attention. Lol...I have others to talk to cause I know I cannot depend on him to be everything. But there are sometimes I wish that I could talk to him and he can show me he is listening and really cares about what I am talking about. Not when I am just talking, but when I am talking about something that bothers me, something bad happened during my day, etc...

Aaahhh! Gotcha! I've been here before. Okay, lets remember that for the most part for generations men haven't had to develop any type of listening or empathy skills, that's what they had wives for! They showed up with a paycheck, took care of the garbage and the yard and their work was done! Well now, we've got our own money and can handle that ourselves and men need to expand their skill set.

Men tend to tune out when we're talking about our feelings because they're action-oriented. When they talk its about what they've done, or what they plan to do, not their feelings about it. They lose focus because they want you to get to the point so they can find out what it is that you want them to do. Of course, oftentimes, we don't want them to do anything. We want to listen and empathize.

So, you have to tell him up front that's what you want. No action is required, you just want him to listen and be empathetic. Dh and I had the biggest fight ever over this issue, and it took him a while, but now he understands that sometimes I just want to kvetch to a sympathetic ear.

Remember, he wants to make you happy. And he has tried, even though his attempts have fallen short. So, its obvious that he does listen, but he just needs more time to work on the development of this skill.

 

[CinnaMocha]

Hmmm,

I will make a mental note and read more thoroughly later...

 

[rozlips]

Oh, I almost forgot. Something I've observed over the years is that men don't hear as well as women. At least the ones that I know don't seem to. And they seem to have one ear that's better than the other. My brothers are this way and so is my dh. (No, I have no scientific evidence to back this up, just years of being mostly around men). Ask your SO about his hearing. He might even know which of his ears are better. My dh does. I sit on his left side whenever possible and make sure we make eye contact. Of course, this might not apply to your guy, but it might.

 

[rozlips]

Well, what would you suggest to bring about this? Most of your tips apply to new relationships. What about the grown folks' stuff?

I've given some pointers on on-going relationships. Do you have a specific question?

 

[klassykutie]

Aaahhh! Gotcha! I've been here before. Okay, lets remember that for the most part for generations men haven't had to develop any type of listening or empathy skills, that's what they had wives for! They showed up with a paycheck, took care of the garbage and the yard and their work was done! Well now, we've got our own money and can handle that ourselves and men need to expand their skill set.

Men tend to tune out when we're talking about our feelings because they're action-oriented. When they talk its about what they've done, or what they plan to do, not their feelings about it. They lose focus because they want you to get to the point so they can find out what it is that you want them to do. Of course, oftentimes, we don't want them to do anything. We want to listen and empathize.

So, you have to tell him up front that's what you want. No action is required, you just want him to listen and be empathetic. Dh and I had the biggest fight ever over this issue, and it took him a while, but now he understands that sometimes I just want to kvetch to a sympathetic ear.

Remember, he wants to make you happy. And he has tried, even though his attempts have fallen short. So, its obvious that he does listen, but he just needs more time to work on the development of this skill.

Thank you. Cause he is like the ideal "macho man". I have dated men before who were more in touch with their feelings, but my fiance' is a jock, super duper macho man. He is so sweet, but it just hurts me he doesn't show me he is listening. Communication is the most important thing to me. I had to remember I cannot expect him to be like others I have dated. I have talked to him about it, but maybe I am doing it in an accusatory manner instead of saying, "Honey, I like it when you......?" For example, yesterday,I am talking to him about a situtation at work, and starts talking about going to the gym. LOL. It is funny now, but I was hurt when it was happening. I told him I wish I had someone I could talk to and they show me they are listening, and he said he was trying to get my mind off of it

But this has caused the tension in our relationship. Communication.

 

[Southernbella.]

I agree with everything you posted, Roz.

Attentive. I can talk to him and he is not paying attention. Lol...I have others to talk to cause I know I cannot depend on him to be everything. But there are sometimes I wish that I could talk to him and he can show me he is listening and really cares about what I am talking about. Not when I am just talking, but when I am talking about something that bothers me, something bad happened during my day, etc...

My one and only tip would be to talk fast. My dh is bad at communicating. It used to be incredibly frustrating, but I had to learn what my window was. I can't talk for too long at a time, or talk around the subject without getting to the point. BUT, he has to be an active listener, and participate in the converstation.

It's possible, but you have to know what your window is.

 

[Undefeated Queen]

If you're a dud like me and need more Roz's tips are on point nonetheless but I learned these through a series of books. Check below to see what tickles your fancy. And they do work.

1. Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship.
Don't be intimadated by the word b.i.t.c.h it means Babe In Total Control of Herself.

2. What Southern Women Know (That Every Woman Should) : Timeless Secrets to Get Everything you Want in Love, Life, and Work
This info is very helpful it is almost unreal I got results automatically. It also helps you to learn to be a genuine caring person.

3. What Southern Women Know About Flirting : The Fine Art of Social, Courtship, and Seductive Flirting to Get the Best Thing
The verdict is out on this all I learned is to smile it is an ok read but it left me open for another flirting book.

4. Body Language Secrets: A Guide During Courtship & Dating
Good tips on body language and some of what Roz was saying about the 20 second rule and body language.

I that book! Why Men Love B*tches!

 

[CntryTexGal]

Thank you. Cause he is like the ideal "macho man". I have dated men before who were more in touch with their feelings, but my fiance' is a jock, super duper macho man. He is so sweet, but it just hurts me he doesn't show me he is listening. Communication is the most important thing to me. I had to remember I cannot expect him to be like others I have dated. I have talked to him about it, but maybe I am doing it in an accusatory manner instead of saying, "Honey, I like it when you......?" For example, yesterday,I am talking to him about a situtation at work, and starts talking about going to the gym. LOL. It is funny now, but I was hurt when it was happening. I told him I wish I had someone I could talk to and they show me they are listening, and he said he was trying to get my mind off of it

But this has caused the tension in our relationship. Communication.

Ditto!! Girl, I could've wrote this exact post myself! haha!

 

[Bunny77]

I agree with everything you posted, Roz.



My one and only tip would be to talk fast. My dh is bad at communicating. It used to be incredibly frustrating, but I had to learn what my window was. I can't talk for too long at a time, or talk around the subject without getting to the point. BUT, he has to be an active listener, and participate in the converstation.

It's possible, but you have to know what your window is.

Thanks for this tip. I had the same problem in a past relationship, in which the man wouldn't seem to be listening to my concerns. And I know I have a tendency to make my conversations as long as the messages I type!

I'll remember this for the future and work on it.

 

[BrickbyBrick]

Thank you. Cause he is like the ideal "macho man". I have dated men before who were more in touch with their feelings, but my fiance' is a jock, super duper macho man. He is so sweet, but it just hurts me he doesn't show me he is listening. Communication is the most important thing to me. I had to remember I cannot expect him to be like others I have dated. I have talked to him about it, but maybe I am doing it in an accusatory manner instead of saying, "Honey, I like it when you......?" For example, yesterday,I am talking to him about a situtation at work, and starts talking about going to the gym. LOL. It is funny now, but I was hurt when it was happening. I told him I wish I had someone I could talk to and they show me they are listening, and he said he was trying to get my mind off of it

But this has caused the tension in our relationship. Communication.

I know this is weird but my boyfriend is the exact opposite. Oh he is macho alright (and don't get it twisted, he'd say), but he's really good at hearing, so much so that I think it's downright freaky It's a disadvantage 'cause he'll bring up what I said in later "discussions". Sucks when you're trying to win an argument, not 'cause you're right, but 'cause you want to win the argument

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Good tips, although I never understood the "look through your eyelashes thing" that I've read about many time before.

 

[zora]

Thanks Roz! I'm on a "I'm getting married real soon" challenge, so this is perfect! Keep the tips coming.

 

[Isis]

Oh, I almost forgot. Something I've observed over the years is that men don't hear as well as women. At least the ones that I know don't seem to. And they seem to have one ear that's better than the other. My brothers are this way and so is my dh. (No, I have no scientific evidence to back this up, just years of being mostly around men). Ask your SO about his hearing. He might even know which of his ears are better. My dh does. I sit on his left side whenever possible and make sure we make eye contact. Of course, this might not apply to your guy, but it might.

Men don't smell as well as women do either. I wonder if this means they have another sense that's pretty powerful...

 

[Keen]

Actually, yeah I do. But I'll be more than happy to give step-by-step instructions.

Please do. You can PM it to me. Do let me know when your book is out. I am picky about relationship and money books...

 

[adf23]

This is a great thread and I agree 100%. Alot of these tips stem from olden years, and they still work. Regardless of it being 2006, our instincts as men and women are the same as they were 50 years ago.

My fav books on these topics are Technique of the Love Affair and Mars and Venus on a Date. I like Why Men Love B*tches, but I don't think it does a very good job of explaining how to keep a man interested.

Although I am not a huge fan of "The Rules", I am 'rules-y' by nature. The one phrase that I have take away from that book is warm words, cool actions. Smooth talkin' men have mastered this- they say all the right things to hook us, but blow hot and cold- interested one day, neutral acting the next (which of course drives us up the wall, but mesmerized). Women normally unconsciously do the opposite, and does nothing- warm actions, cool words. Example- claiming we are upset about something, but having sex/cooking for him, etc. OR....he is late showing up for a date- we still go on the date, but have an attitude the entire time. Doesn't achieve very much in the long run

 

[rozlips]

Men don't smell as well as women do either. I wonder if this means they have another sense that's pretty powerful...

You know, you've got a point there. Especially after a woman has had a baby. I swear, sometimes I think I'm part bloodhound. And it was even stronger while I was pregnant. I think all these super Spidey senses are designed to give women an edge over men's greater physical strength. I would imagine back when we were still hunter-gatherers and men would go off to hunt leaving women to protect the young from preadators, we had to use all our senses to do so. I think men see better than women, and definitely have a greater depth perception. Which, of course, would be to his advantage when hunting.

 

[rozlips]

Good tips, although I never understood the "look through your eyelashes thing" that I've read about many time before.

Do you mean you don't know how to do it? Or, you don't understand why it works?

 

[sweetascocoa]

i dont how how to do the look. any tips? i also dont smile at a guy i like in public. no wonder they all run away from me

 

[Naijaqueen]

WONDERFUL, I'm loving this thread!!

For the ladies who say they feel like their SO dont listen to them, its really about timing. I read this in the book called "Instant Persuasion". If you have something important to discuss with anyone, ask for their permission first, dont assume that they are ready to give you full attention, instead say "I have something to tell you/or want your opinion...Is this a good time for you?" That signals to them that it is important and if they are busy, they'll say ok not now, later. It applies to regular conversations, how many of us have been excited about something, call a friend, start running your mouth only for them to cut u right off 20secs later and say they have to go.

 

[angelica2u]

Please do. You can PM it to me. Do let me know when your book is out. I am picky about relationship and money books...

yeah, roz, pls pm it me as well if possible. I also dont quite understand how the eyelash technique is executed and would appreciate an elaboration on that. Thanks a bunch for all the tips by far, i'm def taking notes.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Do you mean you don't know how to do it? Or, you don't understand why it works?

I mean how to do it. I can't visualize looking through your eyelashes. . .

 

[SexySin985]

Oh I am soooo loving this thread!

Roz, excellent tips! Could you please PM me the 'How-too's' also?

Looking forward to more tips/tricks/advice!

You ladies are the BEST!

 

[Angelicus]

Rozlips, thank you.

I am a testimony to all of her tips. I was dating other people while dating Mr. Iraq. I made sure that we never EVER "hung out:" in fact, the closest he ever got into my home was the living room rug. I always made sure we went somewhere, even the park, hole in the wall restaurants with great cheap food, the bookstore (Ok, we are nerds, I admit). We never put ourselves in a position that would get us in trouble, like getting intimate.

I think the reason why he likes me so much is because I am an individual. I'm not Mrs/Ms. Iraq. I'm Anky. I still do all the things that we do together while he is gone. I don't cry every night because he's dirty in Bagdad. I'm too busy working, selling, going to voice lessons, riding quad dirt bikes, smoking hookhah, working out, and going to church 2-3 times a week.

And the best way to look attractive to men is simple... don't give it up (your body or your individuality).

 

[NeeSee]

Be yourself!

People can give you all the rules in the world but it does not mean it will work.

I agree with you so much. I don't have time for all that stuff! None the less this thread is interesting!

 

[blueabyss333]

Roz, again, you're very wise in this area. Thanks for the tips!