How To Evaluate A Potential Husband

[cutiebe2]

This thread is right on time. I have a guy who I feels is a great catch. Its very new. I am really trying to do what so many ladies have said and date for marriage. But I struggle in how to act and what to say. How do I convey what I want? Right now we are just talking, flirting etc. I hope my flirting isn't taken the wrong way but he hasn't tried anything. I always dress a certain way and carry myself a certain way but that is something I always do. Just trying to get the hang of this...

 

[LoveisYou]

Wisdom.com

 

[mzteaze]

This thread is right on time. I have a guy who I feels is a great catch. Its very new. I am really trying to do what so many ladies have said and date for marriage. But I struggle in how to act and what to say. How do I convey what I want? Right now we are just talking, flirting etc. I hope my flirting isn't taken the wrong way but he hasn't tried anything. I always dress a certain way and carry myself a certain way but that is something I always do. Just trying to get the hang of this...

Not sure just how new it is...but what types of questions is he asking about you? Are they superficial or more substantial (goals, opinions on a variety of subjects, likes vs dislikes)?

What types of questions are you asking about him?

I think those are early clues of where the relationship may head. How strong do you feel the friendship is building?

 

[ladysaraii]

Don't get caught up in "love". Love will have you marrying a man with 4 baby Momma's, a GED and a 300 credit score. You can control who you fall in love with. Start by not entertaining every man that says hi. Don't be so flattered that a man thinks you are beautiful that you loose are your common sense. Remember the life you want to live and date accordingly.

That comment about expecting a wife to work is also a big one. Even if you never plan to stay home.

I'm currently reading "Getting to I Do" which is a much different book than I thought it was going to be. Very thought provoking

In it she talks about masculine and feminine energy in regards to love.

Masculine = selfless b/c giving is action. A man is the one to fall in love and should love the woman more than he loves himself.

Feminine = self-centered. You love yourself above all others, and then you share that love with your loved ones.

"For a true balance of energy, women must give back to men who graciously give, protect, and cherish them first."

But she talks about not giving back more than he has given to you.

 

[Live.Laugh.Love]

Oh also look for abusive tendencies, not just physical but the way he expresses his anger towards other people. Emotional abuse is real and crippling to your self esteem and self worth

Amen, quoting for emphasis!!! Too often times in our communities we overlook emotional abuse and its effects! Emotional abuse is real, and has consequences just like physical abuse!

 

[LoveisYou]

I got super excited to see some of my favorite posters in here *doing the happy dance* You ladies just reaffirmed my stance on having clear standards. There are ppl in my life who don't get my standards because they've accepted less, thank so much for sharing ladies.

 

[cutiebe2]

Not sure just how new it is...but what types of questions is he asking about you? Are they superficial or more substantial (goals, opinions on a variety of subjects, likes vs dislikes)?

What types of questions are you asking about him?

I think those are early clues of where the relationship may head. How strong do you feel the friendship is building?

we are just making general talk right now. We would see each other around but never really talked. He recently found me on social media and starting talking to me and that moved into texting. So we are really just getting to know each other but its clear there is an attraction and we like each other. Just don't know how to tell where he thinks thing is going

 

[Southernbella.]

It's Sunday and it's the only day I don't revise, I need some excitement, humour me.

I would like advice SPECIFICALLY from the ladies that have been engaged to and or married to men that are relatively attractive, able to afford for you to stay at home as well as improving your lifestyle and generally treat you well.

If you being one of these shrewd women were giving advice to your younger single sister, what would you have to say?

Please could we have a troll-less thread. If you don't desire a man that will improve your financial situation that is your prerogative, but please try not to derail the thread for the people that do. Life is not a Tyler Perry movie.

This post is for the young ladies...

I'm not going to pretend like it was a strategy that I had planned back then. I was 21 and was getting over the worst relationship I had ever had. I told God I wasn't ever dating again until my husband came along. I spent time getting to know me and working through the issues that led me to loserboy, and when I came out of that season, I met dh. This is what I did:

1) I made him earn me. Not Olivia Pope style , but for REAL for real. I wasn't dating and he wanted to get at me, so he had to work. He befriended me, made sure he was wherever I was, and basically waited it out for a year until I was ready. He saw me as a prize and I truly believe that is part of the reason he treats me so well.

2. Because I wasn't rushing into the bf/gf stage, I was able to see what kind of man he was BEFORE getting invested. This is KEY. Zaynab has talked about dating around and approaching it like a job search and I second that. When you aren't invested, you are better able to see the good and the bad for what they really are. I was able to see that dh was hardworking, reliable, dependable, a gentleman, a provider, responsible, selfless, etc. By the time he told me he wanted to marry me, I already knew that he was everything I would want in a husband. I didn't lose not one hour of my life in a dead-end relationship. I think this is really important for young girls especially because a lot of us get pregnant, heartbroken, used, etc in these pointless longterm relationships. Stop doing that! You are the prize!

3. Once we were together, I was dependent. When I say that, I mean I was happy to "let him be a man" and take care of me, even when I was working. It wasn't necessarily money (because we were both getting established), but like putting stuff together, working on my car, etc. The transition to marriage was seamless because he knew what I expected and was used to that role.

4. This kind of echoes number 2, but KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR! When you're young, most of your suitors will be in the process of getting established. You can still tell if he is the type who will provide and upgrade your life:

Look for an up and comer who aims to please. It's that simple. If he only has $10 in the bank till payday, this type of man will spend $9.50 on you and eat ramen noodles until payday. Down the road when he's established, he will still be the same man but with means.

It's all in the attitude. You might not even need his little $10, but you still need to know that he would give it without you even asking. I can tell you that it's this attitude that got me and dh through some very lean years because he has afforded me the ability to sah with my kids, earn my bachelor's and master's (and soon phd), and generally do what makes me happy in life.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[Southernbella.]

we are just making general talk right now. We would see each other around but never really talked. He recently found me on social media and starting talking to me and that moved into texting. So we are really just getting to know each other but its clear there is an attraction and we like each other. Just don't know how to tell where he thinks thing is going

He will show you through his actions. Until he plans a date and asks you out properly, don't assume anything. You are the prize and he needs to be courting you.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[cutiebe2]

thanks southernbella your last two post really helped

 

[mzteaze]

we are just making general talk right now. We would see each other around but never really talked. He recently found me on social media and starting talking to me and that moved into texting. So we are really just getting to know each other but its clear there is an attraction and we like each other. Just don't know how to tell where he thinks thing is going

Call me old fashion but while I text like anyone on trivial matters at some point your budding relationship needs to transition into REAL conversation via the phone or in person. If it hasn't happened where you are adding in face to face conversations, you can try to encourage it subtly. I had a dinner party with a mix of people. I cooked and entertained. That was a turning point for me and something that he later said was a factor in dating that lead to marriage eventually. So I would suggest setting up a social meeting with others involved without the pressure of a real date is a good way to see him in a social setting. He also will get the chance to chat and observe you without being obvious.

Maybe it's considered old fashion as an approach, but, I've often observed that no matter how "modern" people say they are, their ideas about love and marriage still tend to be traditional.

 

[LovingLady]

Ladies you are amazing, thank you so much.

 

[cutiebe2]

Call me old fashion but while I text like anyone on trivial matters at some point your budding relationship needs to transition into REAL conversation via the phone or in person. If it hasn't happened where you are adding in face to face conversations, you can try to encourage it subtly. I had a dinner party with a mix of people. I cooked and entertained. That was a turning point for me and something that he later said was a factor in dating that lead to marriage eventually. So I would suggest setting up a social meeting with others involved without the pressure of a real date is a good way to see him in a social setting. He also will get the chance to chat and observe you without being obvious.

Maybe it's considered old fashion as an approach, but, I've often observed that no matter how "modern" people say they are, their ideas about love and marriage still tend to be traditional.

We did that on Friday Its was a little awkward for me because I'm a bit shy getting to know people so there were some silences. He invited me to a party so I brought my friends, danced. And then he saw me and pulled me away to talk and such. We did kiss but we hugged and left without him trying to take me home and try anything which was my biggest fear. He kept saying he was really glad I came. We shall see what his next step is. If its not something I like then I will cut my losses.

 

[calliope]

*PRAY- no joke, I'd been praying for my future dh since I was a teen.

*Make sure he loves you WAAAAAAY more than you love him. If you're needy and clingy and love him more, do yourself a favor and move on. And it doesn't hurt if you are at least slightly better looking than him

*Pay attention to his work ethic- don't make excuses for or be complacent with laziness. Ambition, drive, and motivation are key. Where you start out truly doesn't matter. You just have to be with someone who is desperate to get out of a unsatisfactory situation.

*Dump stingy men. Co-signing on what SB said. Let him give you the shirt off his back if it's the last one he has.

*DO NOT mistaken being stingy with being good with money. One is a necessary skill that the head of a home needs to be a good steward of money with. The other is a selfish, possibly controlling, personality trait that will get old quick.

*Watch how he handles money. Someone who cannot be faithful with a small amount cannot be faithful with large amounts.

*Avoid men who stare at other women right in your face. Yes, they are visual and yes, they are still alive, but you deserve basic respect at least in front of your face.

*Give respect back and don't be a nag- it may be cute when you're dating, but they'll hate you for it once your married.

* It's true about watching about how he treats waiters/service people.

*Please make sure that he is kind to, respectful of, and treats his mother well. But don't get it twisted- once you're married YOU should be the #1woman in his life. Don't get with any man whose going to make you jockey for first place with his mom your whole life.

 

[yardyspice]

Southernbella., I second every.single. point you made but the line below is key to picking a good spouse.

He saw me as a prize and I truly believe that is part of the reason he treats me so well.

 

[LoveisYou]

Call me old fashion but while I text like anyone on trivial matters at some point your budding relationship needs to transition into REAL conversation via the phone or in person. If it hasn't happened where you are adding in face to face conversations, you can try to encourage it subtly. I had a dinner party with a mix of people. I cooked and entertained. That was a turning point for me and something that he later said was a factor in dating that lead to marriage eventually. So I would suggest setting up a social meeting with others involved without the pressure of a real date is a good way to see him in a social setting. He also will get the chance to chat and observe you without being obvious.

Maybe it's considered old fashion as an approach, but, I've often observed that no matter how "modern" people say they are, their ideas about love and marriage still tend to be traditional.

Um, I did this not so subtly yesterday I basically said "texting is not real conversation."

 

[deltagyrl]

Great thread.

Trust your instincts.
Pay close attention to what he says and how he treats you.
Take note of his response when you need something (flat tire, car won't start, bills). If he looks the other way & doesn't rush to your rescue (or at least offer a solution), RUN, Forrest, RUN!
Don't allow intimacy to be rushed. If you're not 100% sure that the timing is right, DON'T do it.
Cut your losses once you've determined that it's going nowhere. He won't change and no, you can't make him.
Believe what he's shows you.
And, lastly, it is true about older, wealthy men. Tread carefully there. Some of those type men will hold that over your head and beat you up with it.

 

[IslandMummy]

I know it's fake but DH and I are watching The Hunger Games and while the movie didn't delve into this as much as the book

Do not allow a man to be everything short of a boyfriend like Gail. Shows all the right signs is attentive, sensitive but unavailable and unwilling to commit

Peeta waited on the sideline but he was willing to die for Katniss and put his cards on the table as soon as she was in a place to be receptive to his feelings. He wasn't wishy washy

 

[FelaShrine]

Do not allow a man to be everything short of a boyfriend like Gail. Shows all the right signs is attentive, sensitive but unavailable and unwilling to commit

Peeta waited on the sideline but he was willing to die for Katniss and put his cards on the table as soon as she was in a place to be receptive to his feelings. He wasn't wishy washy

I agree. Gail is so wack. Dont know why people were rooting for him. I havent read the books but still

 

[LovelyNaps26]

Proverbs says "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor with the Lord". Basically, the sentiment mentioned in some posts that he should feel like he won the lottery that you're with him.

I've heard men married for 30+ year speak about their wives saying "I wasn't even worth her". Now, while he may have been successful and a suitable partner if he values you he sees you as the catch and doesn't just try to prove it to you to get the first date or even agree to his proposal throughout marriage.

 

[creolebombshell]

I agree with this. For a woman to want to work is one thing, but for a man to expect his wife to work is another. Dh doesn't want me to work, but I wanted to. So I met him half way and started my at home business. He's content with that.

I agree with most of what has been noted except this. Like I tell both my girls you shouldn't be with someone who expects you to work but, you should be with someone who doesn't want you to work either.I find that when he brings in the income the power structure shifts. Its like you have to deflect to him somehow. Plus if you are passionate about pursuing a career goal he should be supporting you not hindering you.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Because I wasn't rushing into the bf/gf stage, I was able to see what kind of man he was BEFORE getting invested. This is KEY.

:notworthy Absolutely. I find a lot of people in my generation (mid 20s) rush this soooo much. I need to see what kind of person a man is BEFORE my emotions get involved.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I agree with most of what has been noted except this. Like I tell both my girls you shouldn't be with someone who expects you to work but, you should be with someone who doesn't want you to work either.I find that when he brings in the income the power structure shifts. Its like you have to deflect to him somehow. Plus if you are passionate about pursuing a career goal he should be supporting you not hindering you.

My mom tells my sisters and I this all the time. My dad makes enough so my mom has been able to be a SAHM but she knows we all might not do that. But she's always told us to stay away from a man that expects his wife to work.

I'm pretty passionate about my career and I honestly don't have time to get caught up with a man who doesn't support me. I always say I want a man who complements my life, not complicates it.

 

[sonyablade]

I have a question... what are the women bringing to the table to make the men feel like they are winning this prize worth fighting for? Their looks? Education? Goals? If a man shouldn't want his wife to work why do education or goals matter? I am not being facetious I am truly curious. Also if a woman is divorced and has kids already how does that come into play? A co worker and I are both divorced and have kids... we discuss how this effects or prospects for dating and re marriage. Personally I think I am just going to wait until my kids are grown but I know my co worker really wants to remarry and I see her making a lot of mistakes that are warned against in this thread.

 

[luthiengirlie]

While we should demand and expect the creme de la creme in a man.. I ponder, what they expect of us? I would think they would want an equilibrium of sorts

 

[RegaLady]

I agree with most of what has been noted except this. Like I tell both my girls you shouldn't be with someone who expects you to work but, you should be with someone who doesn't want you to work either.I find that when he brings in the income the power structure shifts. Its like you have to deflect to him somehow. Plus if you are passionate about pursuing a career goal he should be supporting you not hindering you.

I understand why you would say this. I have worked for much of our marriage and in fact, he met me at work. It wasn't until we had a family(children) that he and I felt best that I become a SAHM. I wanted to work because I like the option of doing what I love, and I wanted to do it without having to work for other people. So this was a happy medium for the both of us. I say he was content to mean, he doesn't mind me working so as long as family and children's needs are top priority in the home. I agree with him

 

[RegaLady]

I have a question... what are the women bringing to the table to make the men feel like they are winning this prize worth fighting for? Their looks? Education? Goals? If a man shouldn't want his wife to work why do education or goals matter? I am not being facetious I am truly curious. Also if a woman is divorced and has kids already how does that come into play? A co worker and I are both divorced and have kids... we discuss how this effects or prospects for dating and re marriage. Personally I think I am just going to wait until my kids are grown but I know my co worker really wants to remarry and I see her making a lot of mistakes that are warned against in this thread.

I think only the said woman knows the answer to this question. It is almost like what you believe to be the prize about you. You can lack all the above and still carry yourself and know you are the prize. It is in the attitude and demeanor. It never hurts to do what you need to do in order to be seen as the prize to yourself, whatever that may be.

Also I believe in creating competition. In other words what is rare is valued, IMO. Being in a position where other suitors view you as the prize also helps

Even if a man doesn't want you to work, I am strongly for having your own little list of accomplishments or skills in your back pocket. He knows about them, but you don't rub it in his face. He knows that while you depend on him, you are capable of taking care of yourself, IMO.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Be honest about what you want, don't settle, and look at his actions.

 

[fula97]

I have a question... what are the women bringing to the table to make the men feel like they are winning this prize worth fighting for? Their looks? Education? Goals? If a man shouldn't want his wife to work why do education or goals matter? I am not being facetious I am truly curious. d.

Some of it is ego. They like knowing they can pull the most attractive woman in the room and she is at their side.. But if that is the only thing going for her, she puts herself in an interesting situation where she better not let her looks body slide. Ime usually a lot of finance guys who were super geeky, not popular and prob a 5 on the scale will tell you they only date models erplexed and do. For them it's about looks . If she can string together a sentence bonus

Why education/goals matter. There is a difference between I'm with you solely for what you bring me and I chose to be with you, I have options. If I choose not to work I'm shifting my goals to our goals and dreams. My goal is to then make our family successful, by pushing/supporting you making sure our children are raised well because they are a reflection of us. It's a shift of focus. Looks matter. It's not the most important thing but you want other people to want her.

Social skills matter. Someone mentioned it earlier her S/Os reaction the first time she hosted something and he was impressed. Again how you interact mingle matters. Ex. This past Sat my bf and I decided to host a BBQ. We have been friends for over a year but just started dating recently (we work at the same company) I know quite a few of his friends/family having met them over the past yr. he knows some of mine not all. Throughout the day evening we had around 25-30 pp come thru between friends and his neighbors for an event we wound up having to do indoors because of weather. Everyone raved about it from the food music company.he loved it because all evening his friends some of them extremely close to him told him how impressed they were how welcoming I was etc. At the same time I can hold a conversation on a variety of topics and can get quite passionate about some of it. During the evening I had a spirited debate with one of his neighbors who happens to be on a college alumni board and asked me to speak on a panel they were holding later this year for students,

Relationships are a reflection of who you are and what you want to portray. Long winded response to your question. Looks count, guys want someone attractive enough that other men are envious of your good fortune. And that doesn't mean that they are a 10. The ability to meld our mutual goals and ambition for what's best for us as a couple. The ability to be selectively vulnerable and allow him to step up. I can be high maintainence and a bit of a control freak at times. However if I trust you I'll,give over control to handle.

It is almost like what you believe to be the prize about you. You can lack all the above and still carry yourself and know you are the prize. It is in the attitude and demeanor.

So true. When you can convey that you hold yourself in high regard it comes thru. No is perfect however, even with all my "perceived imperfections" the expectations are high and you need to work for it.

 

[ElegantPearl17]

Can someone please talk more about the "dating men with kids" scenario?? I was told by friends and family that I'm shrinking my dating pool by saying that I will not date a man with kids. Is this an something that can be positive at all??