How To Evaluate A Potential Husband

humility1990

humility1990

New Member
It's Sunday and it's the only day I don't revise, I need some excitement, humour me.

I would like advice SPECIFICALLY from the ladies that have been engaged to and or married to men that are relatively attractive, able to afford for you to stay at home as well as improving your lifestyle and generally treat you well.

If you being one of these shrewd women were giving advice to your younger single sister, what would you have to say?

Please could we have a troll-less thread. If you don't desire a man that will improve your financial situation that is your prerogative, but please try not to derail the thread for the people that do. Life is not a Tyler Perry movie.
 
1. When I decided to get married again I made a list of the things that were a must for me in a mate. (I was doing the secret before it was in :lol:)

2. I talked to my girlfriends about the guys I was seeing because I felt they would be more objective.

3. This is probably #1 but I thought long and hard about what kind of life I wanted to live and I reminded myself of it whenever I met someone.
 
I like this thread, thanks for starting it OP.

I like what you said about having lists yardyspice. When I was looking at switching jobs a while back I made a list of the things I wanted out of the job and stuck it to my list (I called it my parachute matrix trying to be all fancy lol).

I looked at the list after I got the new job and do you know the new job hit all but one of the attributes I wanted! Anyway, I have a similar list of what I want in a husband.

My question for others is how do you go about weeding out whether a guy has the right attributes. For e.g income, I can usually assess clothes, habits (where he vacations etc) from conversation but what kinds of questions do you ask to assess character without coming across as an interrogator?
 
Don't date men with children

Don't date a man who expects you to work. I say this not to say that you can't work but if you plan on having children you never know how you'll feel once that 12 weeks is up and you realize you have to leave your baby every day 5 days a week. That is a hard choice to make, and he should be willing to allow the time you need to care for and enjoy your baby. Sometimes six months is sufficient and sometimes it's six years.

Don't date a stingy Scrooge McDuck, see Deoin Sanders


Eta: check his relationship with his parents, that can manifest into not only how he responds to you but how he will rear children
 
IslandMummy said:
Don't date men with children

Don't date a man who expects you to work. I say this not to say that you can't work but if you plan on having children you never know how you'll feel once that 12 weeks is up and you realize you have to leave your baby every day 5 days a week. That is a hard choice to make, and he should be willing to allow the time you need to care for and enjoy your baby. Sometimes six months is sufficient and sometimes it's six years.

Don't date a stingy Scrooge McDuck, see Deoin Sanders


Eta: check his relationship with his parents, that can manifest into not only how he responds to you but how he will rear children
Click to expand...


A man who EXPECTS his wife to work is a red flag. It tells you so many things........
 
Make sure he socializes above his position. Whenever we go to the city where dh corporate headquarters are, we do dinner with a vp of something, we go to church with a vp of something. He does not exclude those on his level, but we have a set appointment to socialize with the higher ups.
He should enjoy things other than the bar and watching sports. Playing sports, especially golf is good- a lot of business men can be found on the golf course. One of my friends said the last time she talked to her dad he told her to get a golf membership
He should value learning. This doesn't mean he has to go to school or have an advanced degree, but the world is changing so what you know today may not be as valuable or valued in ten years.
He needs to be financially responsible without being stingy.
Make sure he is nice to his mom (unless she is a difficult woman) and children.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF
 
Don't get caught up in "love". Love will have you marrying a man with 4 baby Momma's, a GED and a 300 credit score. You can control who you fall in love with. Start by not entertaining every man that says hi. Don't be so flattered that a man thinks you are beautiful that you loose are your common sense. Remember the life you want to live and date accordingly.

That comment about expecting a wife to work is also a big one. Even if you never plan to stay home.
 
IslandMummy said:
Don't date men with children

Don't date a man who expects you to work. I say this not to say that you can't work but if you plan on having children you never know how you'll feel once that 12 weeks is up and you realize you have to leave your baby every day 5 days a week. That is a hard choice to make, and he should be willing to allow the time you need to care for and enjoy your baby. Sometimes six months is sufficient and sometimes it's six years.

Don't date a stingy Scrooge McDuck, see Deoin Sanders


Eta: check his relationship with his parents, that can manifest into not only how he responds to you but how he will rear children
Click to expand...

I agree with this. For a woman to want to work is one thing, but for a man to expect his wife to work is another. Dh doesn't want me to work, but I wanted to. So I met him half way and started my at home business. He's content with that.
 
IslandMummy said:
Don't date men with children

Don't date a man who expects you to work.
Click to expand...

Quoting for emphasis.

Especially the working part. Even though I've worked practically our entire marriage, my husband is totally open to the idea of me not working. His thing is for us to just plan for it, be able to live on his salary while I work for a bit, and he'd be good. That means the world to me.

One of my friends' husband is like "Naw baby, you gotta WERK!". I was like, really? Wow. He also brought two kids (not hers, she was childless) into their marriage so..........:ohwell:
 
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Cultivate and maintain very high standards. Look for ambition, kindness, loyalty, devotion, maturity, stability. Whatever you want deeply in your heart from your future husband, believe and know it is possible. And I say look for true love which is way more than a "feeling," true love is a verb, and the man for you will show his love through action which will include words, protection (financial, physical, emotional), support, commitment, romance, flowers, caring, etc. I always say a cute man can't do anything for me. Cute doesn't pay bills, defend me, take out the trash, etc. etc. Now if he can provide for all of my needs and be cute, great, but that is last on my list. I can be cute enough for the both of us :look:.
 
EverythingOldIsNew said:
Don't get caught up in "love". Love will have you marrying a man with 4 baby Momma's, a GED and a 300 credit score. You can control who you fall in love with. Start by not entertaining every man that says hi. Don't be so flattered that a man thinks you are beautiful that you loose are your common sense. Remember the life you want to live and date accordingly.

That comment about expecting a wife to work is also a big one. Even if you never plan to stay home.
Click to expand...

This is soooo true. One of my friends keep trying 2 set me up with random ex-cons. I keep telling her no but she insists. This one guy, didn't even see me, just heard my voice & is already saying that he's going 2 chase me. Mind u this dude knows nothing about me. Some men r opportunists. Just b/c I'm single, doesn't mean I'm desperate.

Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch Q using LHCF
 
pelohello said:
This is soooo true. One of my friends keep trying 2 set me up with random ex-cons. I keep telling her no but she insists. This one guy, didn't even see me, just heard my voice & is already saying that he's going 2 chase me. Mind u this dude knows nothing about me. Some men r opportunists. Just b/c I'm single, doesn't mean I'm desperate.

Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch Q using LHCF
Click to expand...

Dump her. She doesn't want any good for you. k thx bye.
 
EverythingOldIsNew said:
Don't get caught up in "love"

.
Click to expand...

Yes.

We were at a housewarming for my girlfriend and another friend asked about married life and what to look for and I advised the same thing but here comes my cousins wife oh that's terrible advise I love my husband how can not be in love with your husband.

I shut her down quickly because I absolutely love my husband he is very special to me and I think he's pretty bloody awesome but I didn't marry him for that, I respected him for the man he was and the man he wanted to be, he is a man of his word and he has let me down never. He was willing to be the husband that I wanted with no qualms.

Now fast forward a few years and they are separated and she's flying back and forth to Russia because her husband is an idiot


ETA make sure he loves you though :look:
 
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Oh also look for abusive tendencies, not just physical but the way he expresses his anger towards other people. Emotional abuse is real and crippling to your self esteem and self worth
 
-If he has two nickels he should be trying to spend one of them on you. (For the young'uns)

-Does he have a clear path with steps laid out to his goals, or is it the ramblings of a head-in-the-clouds dreamer?

-How does he treat people he's upset at/feuding with? Don't think that he can't ever turn that on you (as someone I know learned, too late)

-can he delay gratification?

-remember you are marrying his family. Do you want these people as your children's aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins? Do they do for each other financially, emotionally, etc?

-Does he act rashly or does he look before leaping?
 
If you are looking to get married, I would advise the following:

1) Know yourself - strength AND weaknesses.

2) Decide what you need from a potential husband beyond the superficials (looks, what he drives, etc.). Think about practical things his finances, how does he care for his mother and other women in his life, do you have the same types of goals? , same types of interests in life?, etc.

3) Don't waste time with men who don't share the same goals (marriage, children or no children, etc.) This sounds counterproductive but actively look for men who WANT to get married. If your goal is to get married to someone, why waste time with someone who wants to date or just "hang out"?

4) The same way you research products and big ticket purchases, spend a sufficient amount of time getting to those you have identified as potential husbands. How does he act with friends - yours and his? How does he treat family? Is he respected? Is he financial independent or is it a facade? So and so forth.

Set a basic, flexible time frame - strike that balance between not trying to rush things along but recognizing when it's time to move on if the person is stalling.

5) If you are religious, make sure to put all things up to prayer and look for that person with the help of prayer.

6) Lastly, cultivate a friendship with any potentials. Relationships that start out with friends then evolve into more tend to weather the types of stressors that fall on ALL relationships better than those who aren't friends as part of the relationship.

I did all of the above and met the right person who had been in life all along (in the periphery).

PS - We found it immensely helpful to seek out the wisdom from those who were in happy marriages from 20 years and up. My grandparents were married for 75 years and we had other friends with marriages in the 60+ year mark give all kinds of great advice.
 
pelohello said:
This is soooo true. One of my friends keep trying 2 set me up with random ex-cons. I keep telling her no but she insists. This one guy, didn't even see me, just heard my voice & is already saying that he's going 2 chase me. Mind u this dude knows nothing about me. Some men r opportunists. Just b/c I'm single, doesn't mean I'm desperate.

Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch Q using LHCF
Click to expand...
Reevaluate your friends she shouldn't be able to supply an never ending supply of ex cons.

Be very clear about what attributes you are looking for and be able to articulate it. If someone is setting you up you should have already communicated to them what you are looking for in a man. If you have there is already a Pre screening going on and when the click thru people the know that are single to pair you with they won't give you someone that doesn't fit the criteria you provided.

Also look at the relationship with their family. I'm skeptical of anyone where the whole family is estranged or they just have a dislike to each other.but on the flip side if they are one where they do every single thing together and the mother is clingy, or he always takes up for his family in spite of everything. Or puts them ahead beware. Are these people you want to spend the next umpteen years around?
 
fula97 said:
Also look at the relationship with their family. I'm skeptical of anyone where the whole family is estranged or they just have a dislike to each other.but on the flip side if they are one where they do every single thing together and the mother is clingy, or he always takes up for his family in spite of everything. Or puts them ahead beware. Are these people you want to spend the next umpteen years around?
Click to expand...

I can't even emphasis how important this is. From experience with one person, the family regularly cursed each other and froze each other out. However, when they needed things financially, they also EXPECTED other family members to care for their needs. When that didn't work, they guilted the person into doing it which of course lead to the cycle of cursing/freezing out.

The other red flag was when I learned that their father was a well known rolling stone. He had 20+ kids from his wife AND his side pieces. :nono::nono::nono: So, I wasn't really surprised when I found out that (some of) his sons were imitating his ways and carrying on multiply relationships while married.
 
Now THIS is a take-note kinda thread. My sister gave me some of the same advice being given in here (and I've always paid attention to threads like these) and believe me when I say it works. It may not seem like it's working right away because the transition stage of anything is rough. However, once that transition period is over and you've gotten into the grove of how to do things?? Chile please! No one will be able to tell you ANYTHING. If people want to be bitter because of YOUR standards, let them be bitter. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be taken care of.
 
okay IslandMummy just move out here and find me a man. I know you always wanted to come to Texas.....I'll watch my precious babies (yes MY) while you find me a good man. Deal? Good
 
Make sure you are on the same page religion wise. While I wouldn't be involved with someone strongly religious nor would I contemplate marrying or seriously being involved with an atheist, Muslim, or Jehovah's Witness. You need to have very clear conversations regarding religion before getting married and having kids.

Understand cultural/tribal norms/nuances, and how he and his family embrace it and what the level of expectation is.

How is he with finances and flaunting his income.

How comfortable is he moving in diverse groups. Not saying his closest friends have to be the rainbow coalition but if he can't navigate his way thru different groups and building relationships it can also hinder his prospects .
 
Phoenix14 said:
okay IslandMummy just move out here and find me a man. I know you always wanted to come to Texas.....I'll watch my precious babies (yes MY) while you find me a good man. Deal? Good
Click to expand...

I actually was going to pimp you and my cousin in Connecticut out he just finished his Masters but he's in Dubai and then I remembered he's short and well just no to midgets

Thing 1 you can't have but I'll ship Thing 2 same day delivery
 
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