How to Date 101 - White Guys / Black Women

Cute article.

My thing on IR dating is meeting his family!!!

I would be stressed to hell socializing with his family.

I don't like that feeling of being "the only one" and that they are talking behind my back.

I just can't see it. I know that they would be disappointed/mad/whatever.

I'm used to 95% of people I meet really liking me IRL.

eta - I'm fully expecting someone to clear up my misconceptions in this regard. It can't really be this bad, can it?
 
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FluffyRed said:
Cute article.

My thing on IR dating is meeting his family!!!

I would be stressed to hell socializing with his family.

I don't like that feeling of being "the only one" and that they are talking behind my back.

I just can't see it. I know that they would be disappointed/mad/whatever.

I'm used to 95% of people I meet really liking me IRL.

eta - I'm fully expecting someone to clear up my misconceptions in this regard. It can't really be this bad, can it?
Click to expand...

I've met two non-black familes and will be meeting my third at the end of the month.

It hasn't been a problem at all.

When I asked the guys about the IR thing, one said that his parents are simply thrilled that he's not gay. :lachen: (He's 37 and never married.)

So there you go. :yep:
 
Bunny77 said:
When I asked the guys about the IR thing, one said that his parents are simply thrilled that he's not gay. :lachen: (He's 37 and never married.)
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That's like going to the free clinic and finding out you only have herpes, not HIV.

I wouldn't be comfortable with that.
 
FluffyRed said:
That's like going to the free clinic and finding out you only have herpes, not HIV.

I wouldn't be comfortable with that.
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You know, I get what you mean, but I get the sense with that statement that you're still assuming that these folks aren't going to like the fact that he's dating a black woman.

What about going to the free clinic and finding out you're disease-free, PERIOD? Why the assumption that the black woman is undesirable?

He was joking about the idea was that his parents are happy to see that he's found a woman PERIOD, not that, "Well, she's black and we'd prefer a white woman, but at least he's not gay." Perhaps he thought that MY concern was unwarranted... his mother never made the gay comment, he did, so I think he was trying to make a point to me.

Plus, he told me he'd already told them about me, shown off my picture to them and they are excited to meet me.

On the flip side, I have a friend who was dating a black man and his mother didn't like her because she was dark-skinned. :perplexed Obviously, that woman isn't representative of all black mothers, but I'm just saying...

My only point being, I don't assume that a black set of parents will automatically just lurrrrve me, and that a white set of parents (or one white/one black parent) will dislike me. It all depends.
 
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Bunny77 said:
You know, I get what you mean, but I get the sense with that statement that you're still assuming that these folks aren't going to like the fact that he's dating a black woman.

My only point being, I don't assume that a black set of parents will automatically just lurrrrve me, and that a white set of parents (or one white/one black parent) will dislike me. It all depends.
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Yes, that's exactly what I assume. :yep::yep::yep:

And I expect the parents of someone i'm dating, when we get to the point of meeting parents, to be genuinely happy to meet me, and for my relationship with them to improve as they get to know me. If it does not, and he's close to his family, I would see that as a huge problem.

But then, I've only seriously dated folks with black families with similar values to mine. I am used to families I can just blend in with.

I realize other BW deal with these situations.

I also realize the necessity of my getting over it, because that ideal black male is pretty much extinct, for all practical purposes. (in my age group)
 
My age...not too much concerned about parents' concerns, sometimes it is his siblings or children..more concerned that the man is not 'experimenting'.
 
FluffyRed said:
Yes, that's exactly what I assume. :yep::yep::yep:

And I expect the parents of someone i'm dating, when we get to the point of meeting parents, to be genuinely happy to meet me, and for my relationship with them to improve as they get to know me. If it does not, and he's close to his family, I would see that as a huge problem.

But then, I've only seriously dated folks with black families with similar values to mine. I am used to families I can just blend in with.

I realize other BW deal with these situations.

I also realize the necessity of my getting over it, because that ideal black male is pretty much extinct, for all practical purposes. (in my age group)
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What you're saying is totally honest and understandable! :)

And believe me, I had my fears about non-black parents and it's still always a question for me, even though I've had many more good experiences with them than bad.

What was helpful for me was to know that A. The men told their parents about me and then told me that they did, and B. The men said that their parents WANTED to meet me.

In the three instances I mentioned, the men did all of the work of telling their parents about me and arranging a meeting, and they did it EARLY in the process (like, within three months). That made me feel that I would be walking into a positive situation.

I would be concerned if he isn't forthcoming about the idea of meeting his parents after a reasonable amount of time has passed. That's when your concerns about the racial issue are probably very legitimate.


Now... I'm not naive enough to think that all of these parents were doing cartwheels when they learned I was black, but I don't think it was necessarily as bad of a reaction that one might think either. It's possible that some of them maybe hadn't really thought about the possibility of their sons dating someone not white at all, so then when it comes up that he is doing just that, the first reaction might be, "Oh. Really? Huh. Alrighty then."

More of a surprise rather than a #@#%#$! kind of thing. But then the reasonable ones will just roll with the punches and by the time you meet them, it's not an issue.

(Kinda like how many black parents end up tolerating a non-black partner being brought home for the first time! :lol:)
 
BrooklynSouth said:
My age...not too much concerned about parents' concerns, sometimes it is his siblings or children..more concerned that the man is not 'experimenting'.
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true, at our age the family does not rule his life, but if they're close and/or live nearby, maybe.

The experimenting, I think (hope) I can figure out. There are far easier prey for a man to get, if he's experimenting.

Maybe it's a problem that I expect most people to like me!!! :perplexed Well, I am the bomb. :grin:
 
Bunny77 said:
In the three instances I mentioned, the men did all of the work of telling their parents about me and arranging a meeting, and they did it EARLY in the process (like, within three months). That made me feel that I would be walking into a positive situation.

I would be concerned if he isn't forthcoming about the idea of meeting his parents after a reasonable amount of time has passed. That's when your concerns about the racial issue are probably very legitimate.
Click to expand...

that makes sense.

Bunny77 said:
(Kinda like how many black parents end up tolerating a non-black partner being brought home for the first time! :lol:)
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I wouldn't know, as NONE of my relatives would DARE bring a non-black person home. (I'm dead *** :look:)
 
FluffyRed said:
true, at our age the family does not rule his life, but if they're close and/or live nearby, maybe.

The experimenting, I think (hope) I can figure out. There are far easier prey for a man to get, if he's experimenting.

Maybe it's a problem that I expect most people to like me!!! :perplexed Well, I am the bomb. :grin:
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Of course you are the bomb, and that's why they WILL like you! So you should absolutely expect that they will like you!!! :yep:
 
I have always prefered white men ever since I was in high school. I just never really had the opportunity to date them. I'm not worried about the families of the white guy (once I find one to date), either they love me or they don't....simple as that. Plus, I'm even open to dating a MATURE younger white guy.

I just love white men!
 
I've been around White men more than Black men and the most valuable key is this and it works wonderfully....

Just be 'yourself' and enjoy who he is. :love2:

No formula, no pattern, no stress. :yep:

Because when it's all said and done, it's still and will always be about the two of you and no one else. Friends and relatives move on; so it's about what the two of you share and are building upon and no one and nothing else. :Rose:
 
Thanks for the article.

It's sweet and humourous.

I'm date outside of my race and find that things are a bit more acceptable with my generation. The older generations give you plenty of stares.

I agree with shimmie the only two whose opinions that matter are you and your partner
 
FluffyRed said:
Cute article.

My thing on IR dating is meeting his family!!!

I would be stressed to hell socializing with his family.

I don't like that feeling of being "the only one" and that they are talking behind my back.

I just can't see it. I know that they would be disappointed/mad/whatever.

I'm used to 95% of people I meet really liking me IRL.

eta - I'm fully expecting someone to clear up my misconceptions in this regard. It can't really be this bad, can it?
Click to expand...


I see what you mean. There's nothing like meeting his family and they look like you, eat similar foods, have a similar sense of humor, etc... all stuff we take for granted until meeting the non-black SO's family. It's always been awkward for me, and though I'm open to IR...it's one of the reasons I've become unsure about going down that path again (IRR).

Then again, it depends on the family. A gf of mine is currently dating a white guy who comes from a very liberal modern day hippie type family. She fits right in. It's easier for her because his older brother is married to a black woman and her boyfriend has always brought home women of color. That experience is quite uncommon, so for a majority it is an awkward, uncomfortable experience.
 
BroadstreetBully said:
I see what you mean. There's nothing like meeting his family and they look like you, eat similar foods, have a similar sense of humor, etc... all stuff we take for granted until meeting the non-black SO's family. It's always been awkward for me, and though I'm open to IR...it's one of the reasons I've become unsure about going down that path again (IRR).

Then again, it depends on the family. A gf of mine is currently dating a white guy who comes from a very liberal modern day hippie type family. She fits right in. It's easier for her because his older brother is married to a black woman and her boyfriend has always brought home women of color. That experience is quite uncommon, so for a majority it is an awkward, uncomfortable experience.
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I will say this... the families I mentioned that I've met (and are about to meet) are all... REPUBLICANS! (noooooooooooooooo!)

They're not these Rush Limbaugh/NRA republicans though... they're more like the types that are fiscal conservatives and mainly care about lower taxes and stuff. (Like an Arlen Specter type... although he's now a Democrat!)

My point being that one really won't know how the experience will be until she actually meets the parents. I've never met any white hippie liberal type parents... I know they're out there, but the guys I've dated have come from pretty traditional upper-middle class Republican families.

I don't think one can say that for "a majority" it will be an awkward and uncomfortable experience.
 
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Very interesting! The white guy who is in love with me is a center-right Republican, as is his family. They are the nicest people I've ever met in my life and love me to death. One problem: I don't feel the same about him. :cry::cry:
 
Bunny77 said:
I will say this... the families I mentioned that I've met (and are about to meet) are all... REPUBLICANS! (noooooooooooooooo!)

They're not these Rush Limbaugh/NRA republicans though... they're more like the types that are fiscal conservatives and mainly care about lower taxes and stuff. (Like an Arlen Specter type... although he's now a Democrat!)

My point being that one really won't know how the experience will be until she actually meets the parents. I've never met any white hippie liberal type parents... I know they're out there, but the guys I've dated have come from pretty traditional upper-middle class Republican families.

I don't think one can say that for "a majority" it will be an awkward and uncomfortable experience.
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I think the awkwardness comes more from being the only black person in the room :lol:. I guess it depends on how many family members you're meeting. I met quite a few family members in one 'meeting' and boy, it was VERY awkward being around white sisters, brothers, and their white spouses/children. I'm sure it's even more awkward if you're his first black girl (I wasn't). Even in instances where the white parents don't care that you're black, if they are your typical white Americans--they have had limited interaction with blacks on that level and it shows in how 'carefully' they speak and react.

It's still a very huge step for someone who is used to meeting a black family and blending right into the cultural norms. For me it was more of an 'after the fact' thing because after the experience I shared above, I realized how much more at ease I was meeting a black family (though no relationship was established, I just happened to meet them). I could jump right in and feel at home, and around the dinner table we talked about subjects that I just couldn't talk about with the white family. I feel like I could connect with black in laws on a very different level than white inlaws. For many BW, that's important.
 
Serenity_Peace said:
Very interesting! The white guy who is in love with me is a center-right Republican, as is his family. They are the nicest people I've ever met in my life and love me to death. One problem: I don't feel the same about him. :cry::cry:
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I absolutely positively draw the line at considering a romantic relationship with a Republican. I can't even decide which is the worse relationship candidate for me, a white republican or a black one. Either way, one of us would end up trying to kill the other.


:nono:
 
BroadstreetBully said:
I think the awkwardness comes more from being the only black person in the room :lol:. I guess it depends on how many family members you're meeting. I met quite a few family members in one 'meeting' and boy, it was VERY awkward being around white sisters, brothers, and their white spouses/children. I'm sure it's even more awkward if you're his first black girl (I wasn't). Even in instances where the white parents don't care that you're black, if they are your typical white Americans--they have had limited interaction with blacks on that level and it shows in how 'carefully' they speak and react.

It's still a very huge step for someone who is used to meeting a black family and blending right into the cultural norms. For me it was more of an 'after the fact' thing because after the experience I shared above, I realized how much more at ease I was meeting a black family (though no relationship was established, I just happened to meet them). I could jump right in and feel at home, and around the dinner table we talked about subjects that I just couldn't talk about with the white family. I feel like I could connect with black in laws on a very different level than white inlaws. For many BW, that's important.
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I gotcha, and you're right, it depends on the individuals involved and their past experiences. :)

I guess for me it wasn't awkward because being the only black person in that situation felt no different than being the only black person in certain situations at work, at school, etc.

Also, in your last paragraph, I realize I honestly can't make the comparison to meeting a black family... the only black family I met was a guy's mother (he was born OOW and the father died when he was very young). I met the mother and his brother.

After that, I guess no black dudes invited me home, but white ones did, so maybe I'm just used to being around white families more than black ones! :lol:
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I absolutely positively draw the line at considering a romantic relationship with a Republican. I can't even decide which is the worse relationship candidate for me, a white republican or a black one. Either way, one of us would end up trying to kill the other.


:nono:
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I still love you JCoily. :kiss:


See, I probably felt like you not long ago until I dated too many liberal hippie tree hugger types that wanted to save the world but not do **** to build a relationship... they were all on some "trying to find their true inner happiness" kick and never could hold down a steady job because they weren't "fulfilled" and then they turned out to be passive aggressive and insecure and a bunch of other crap.

At least the moderate Republicans got up every day and went to work and made some money! :lol:
 
Bunny77 said:
I've met two non-black familes and will be meeting my third at the end of the month.

It hasn't been a problem at all.

When I asked the guys about the IR thing, one said that his parents are simply thrilled that he's not gay. :lachen: (He's 37 and never married.)

So there you go. :yep:
Click to expand...

Oh say now...what's that about? :giggle:
 
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