How to build a man's self-esteem?

[Glib Gurl]

Okay, so I was just on the phone with Dutch Chocolate (for almost two hours ) and I am clearly the talker between the two of us. I was asking him different things about himself and at one point he seemed almost apologetic and said - "I'm not that interesting. I don't have that much going for myself." I quickly changed the subject, but I was shocked I mean, y'all know I have dealt with self-esteem issues plenty in the past, but it always breaks my heart when I hear another person talking down about themselves.

Even though we go on and on about women with self-esteem issues (as induced by Madison Avenue and Hollywood), we don't talk much about men and their issues. I'm sure that they face a ton of pressure - while we feel pressure to measure up to Halle or Beyonce, I'm sure men feel like they fall short if they don't meet the same standards as Denzel or Brad Pitt.

So, what can you do to raise a man's self-esteem? Complimenting them is one thing . . . but at the same time you don't want to get too much into that "Oh you're great!" pep talk because it just can seem inauthentic and ring hollow -- especially if the person doesn't believe that. Actions speak louder than words, so what are some things can a woman can do to boost a man's esteem? (You know, besides letting him have the privilege of being in her company )

 

[hopeful]

Glib, that is not a job I'd want. That's his job or maybe a therpist's job. You can make him feel better by being encouraging and kind but if he truly has low esteem, idk what you can do. But to me what he said may not mean much. I always say I'm boring but to me it's not a putdown, I just like the simple things and don't enjoy chaos and drama. I would just focus on enjoying his company and that would be it.

 

[southerncitygirl]

i think letting a man know that he is appreciated no matter what he does or how small is great to boost their confidence. whether its helping you carry things, cooking, taking out the trash, or assembling your shelving units or bookcase....men just like women like to know that they are appreciated and valued. i think its great to be independent but there's a delicate balance that we have to have and know when to let a "man be a man". If their self esteem is "wrecked" you may want to move on cause they could end up bringing you down or draining your energy.

 

[MiamiHottie]

You can't...Its esteem of your self!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ25...C583B102&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=53

 

[Glib Gurl]

But to me what he said may not mean much. I always say I'm boring but to me it's not a putdown, I just like the simple things and don't enjoy chaos and drama. I would just focus on enjoying his company and that would be it.

@ the red - there's just something about the way he said it that makes me think it's truly how he feels . . . but you're right, I can't fix someone else . . . shoot, I have enough trouble keeping myself on track!

You can't...Its esteem of your self!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ25...C583B102&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=53

I don't even have to click the link to know what this is . . .

 

[gabulldawg]

i think letting a man know that he is appreciated no matter what he does or how small is great to boost their confidence. whether its helping you carry things, cooking, taking out the trash, or assembling your shelving units or bookcase....men just like women like to know that they are appreciated and valued. i think its great to be independent but there's a delicate balance that we have to have and know when to let a "man be a man". If their self esteem is "wrecked" you may want to move on cause they could end up bringing you down or draining your energy.

ITA. Me and my SO have been together for about 9 months now, and everytime he takes me out to eat I STILL thank him for the meal. I'm sure by now I probably don't have to thank him, but he lets me know that he appreciates it and that helps him know that what he does is appreciated. I also try to remember to thank him for the "little" things as well.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

You're a MAN!?

 

[JustKiya]

Can't say it's a job I would want to take on, at all. I'm willing to convince you that you can be better than you are, but you've got to have a solid sense of self-worth and an awareness of your own potential in order for it to be worth it.

I dunno, GG.

 

[Southernbella.]

I wouldn't try. After a certain age, a person needs to have the self-awareness to deal with their issues. Either he lacks self-awareness or he's looking for pity. Either way, not a good look.

 

[Bunny77]

I think that many times, it's just a line.

Sure, a man might be shy and a little awkward, but I didn't find much sincere about his statement.

Meanwhile, the only man who I'm trying to boost up is my boyfriend. Not some man I'm just "talking to." Barely.

 

[Mai Tai]

Believe me GG, and I'm speaking from experience, there is absolutely...positively...no way that you can BUILD something in a man that he doesn't already have or desire to have.

The key word in "self-esteem" is "self." Your man has to initiate and maintain his own personal growth. You cannot fix what you didn't create. Encourage him yes..but do NOT attempt to take on the task of building one's self esteem.

 

[Glib Gurl]

You're a MAN!?

Was that directed at me? If so, um, no I'm Glib GURL

 

[Glib Gurl]

You are all making good points . . . I guess for me I was just so surprised because you don't think much about men and their esteem issues (at least I don't). I remember one time my male personal trainer (who is FOINE, btw) was telling me that he had self-esteem issues and I was like In my mind I was like, "Uh, you are pretty much an Adonis!" That's all I'm getting at.

I agree that if he doesn't feel good about who he is, there's not too much I can do about that . . . and no, I don't want that job. It was just . . . strange to me.

 

[MissJ]

I think that many times, it's just a line.

Sure, a man might be shy and a little awkward, but I didn't find much sincere about his statement.

Meanwhile, the only man who I'm trying to boost up is my boyfriend. Not some man I'm just "talking to." Barely.

Yeah, girl. He's just saying that.

And you're wanting to gas him and blow his head up until he gets to the point where he says, "Wait a minute. I am that great!" and leaves you for the bigger better deal.

Leave it alone.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

Was that directed at me? If so, um, no I'm Glib GURL

Yes, yes it was. You, being a Gurl, cannot build a man's self-esteem.

 

[aribell]

You are all making good points . . . I guess for me I was just so surprised because you don't think much about men and their esteem issues (at least I don't). I remember one time my male personal trainer (who is FOINE, btw) was telling me that he had self-esteem issues and I was like In my mind I was like, "Uh, you are pretty much an Adonis!" That's all I'm getting at.

I agree that if he doesn't feel good about who he is, there's not too much I can do about that . . . and no, I don't want that job. It was just . . . strange to me.

Fwiw, I do think that men have insecurities just as much as women do, and sometimes more it seems. But a lot of people do the self-deprecating thing as a conversation filler or as a way of lowering your expectations just in case you aren't as into the conversation/their company as they are into it/your company.

Personally, I think genuine friendship and support is a blessing and benefit to anyone, and may be encouraging to him. But that's all you can really do for someone--encourage and appreciate the strengths you genuinely see in them. Anything deeper than that is on them.

Or, he can meditate on this:

J/k.

Glad you all are enjoying getting to know one another!

 

[MD_Lady]

...So, what can you do to raise a man's self-esteem?...

Nothing because self-esteem comes from the inside out. All the ego boosting and ego stroking in the world won't "stick" with a man who doesn't truly feel good about himself. It's always good to treat people well and generate positive vibes within your relationship, but that's all you can do.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Glib Gurl, is this man actually Dutch? I find that sometimes men from different cultures might not be as comfortable tooting their own horn as an American guy would be. Our culture is not big on being modest and downplaying accomplishments and talents... but other cultures see it as immature and unseemly for someone to crow about how great they are. I wouldn't assume he actually has low self esteem just based off of that comment.

Another thing... American guys talk a lot. American women are used to men that talk a lot. So a "strong silent type" can weird us out a bit... but sometimes it just takes getting used to.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Glib Gurl, is this man actually Dutch?

No, he's an American Jew, another self-depricating culture

 

[CDiddy614]

Although not all guys are torn down to the point they need therapy. I do think as ladies we should continue to build up our significant others. Take the time to call him his pet name (I'm planning on revamping my man's pet name as soon as I can think of a good one, babe just don't cut it no more for me), tell him how he makes you feel, etc. They like to hear it as much as we do.