@awhyley I understand the reason for your question. However, think of the many, many, many men who are married to women, when they don’t like or respect women. No one ever questions them.
Exactly. In each case, it is pretty obvious. For instance guys who dislike women or who have certain views towards women will say, "Females" this or that ; will always have something to say about what women are doing while overlooking the flaws of men, will talk about a subset of women (which is why some other women will over look this as if it doesn't apply to them) negatively when women should realize if they are talking about
them, they are still talking about women in general and their behavior should be unacceptable.
THough recently I've dated mostly black (sometimes still outside of my culture as my ex fiancé was Haitian American), I've dated a few white guys seriously and not one of them has said anything in anger that is questionable. You know that lovely N word? Someone once told me that inevitably white people will say this when they are in anger but nope. Not to me. And I'm not a unicorn I just did not entertain guys who are racist, willfully ignorant about race, or cluelessly want to believe that we are all color blind. I've dated guys who are smart, and see reality for what it is, and who want to stand upf for what is right. But what I've found for women who have had this phenomenon said to them, is that the guys would say questionable things about them, or other black cultures in the past but they "overlooked" those things. Those guys would never get through my filter system
.
What I have learned from my first "love" experience and other friends experiences over the years - women are discerning and women are extremely perceptive. It is is not often that I meet a woman who has been humiliated in some way and they do not turn to me and say "well there were signs....". Rather than be fearful of men being cheaters, lazy, racist, sexist, gamblers etc... I think its more apt to be mindful of the tendency to ignore signs because we are desperate for a relationship/courtship to work out. Women are emotionally intelligent, intuitive and perceptive
. We really need to trust our gut feelings at all times, pay attention to what men say and what they don't say.
There's always a chance that even with being careful and paying attention - a man could be a complete psycho and lie so well that no one can detect. In that case I accept that risk. Its part of being with another human being. Honestly I have the deepest sympathy in these cases where people are
fully blindsided and had 0% clue. I maintain that that situation is the minority though. Its like Halle when she alleged that Gabriel had weird racial attitudes. I don't believe for one second that she only realized he had no racial insight when they broke up and went through a custody battle. She would have known he wasn't woke before the baby, but she wanted a baby to happen.
In regards to the OP I do recall a time an eligible on paper white guy contacted me on Match.com and we chatted some. After a few conversations he was talking muttered something about a "porch monkey". I asked him why he said it and he said something about a song and don't I know what that is?
I never talked to him again. Men nearly always show signs. In his case he had all black friends and black ex wife etc.. You have to be careful with those types because even if they are not hating black people they will sometimes say things that are inappropriate because they view themselves as honorary black. Don't ignore "jokes". If you ignore red flags and hope for the best you can end up in a bad situation with any man.
Generally:
1. Don't bother with men who wont take a stance/look uncomfortable around race issues. Going quiet is not good.
2. Don't date anyone who uses the phrase " black card".
3. Don't date a man who views himself as honorary black. He will annoy you.
4. With time its easy to distinguish positive fetishisation/exotic labeling from the negative type. Nothing wrong with "I like your dark skin, hair" vs " I find black women sexy and hot in bed"
.
5. Avoid men who say they are colorblind and we all just need to hold hands
.
6. Men who say they like you because your great and pretty and just happen to have black skin. They must acknowledge the differences in your perspective and culture.
7. Any man that needs teaching. This is just too much effort.
If you can stand to teach, only teach men who seem very willing to learn, ask questions to learn about your culture and already are interested in social issues. If they seem to switch off, or act doubtful about black issues just don't bother.
8. As you mentioned - anyone who says you are not like the others.
9. Men who brag about how many black women they have dated/slept with.
This is a good list and a great perspective. I agree with all of this. I especially appreciate that you went there with the black card thing, and the looking at different perspectives. All of that
matters.
As for me: Of the white men I've dated, I've only broken up with them because I didn't want to marry them, not because they were horrible...but because it was time for a next step and I wasn't ready, or I was too young, etc (translation they weren't the right guy for me so I moved on). But my point is that I filtered so that I didn't have some horribly tragic reason to break up with them (like racism). If women would just use their gut system, it would guide them well. I would like to submit an addition to your list) Guys who talk negatively about their own women too, they should be a no no:
I don't need you to say how horrible white women are to lift me up. There is something wrong with that guy and I don't want him. I never can understand how white women are okay with black men trashing their women and feeling all superior, and then raising kids that are half black. It's odd. If you don't like your race, you don't like yourself. I knew a guy who really liked me and wanted to date me but he was always trashing white women and talking about how boring and vanilla they were as if that would make me feel good and want to date him. Nope. It turned me off. ANd he was hot. Like Simon Baker hot from that previous show the Mentalist (it's always some guy like that who is after me when they're white. I have no idea why they always have a particular look).
...and dare I say dude was way cuter than Simon and begging me to go out, leaving me messages, flowers, gifts, etc saying to name the place and time, showing up at places where he knew I'd be and re asking me to reconsider. Like he was Simon's off the charts cuter brother
But there is not enough cuteness in the world to get rid of insecurity, and that is a major turn off to me and should be a sign to others. If a guy has some issue with race (even in a way that does not directly apply to you)...somehow later, other red flags will pop up. And believe me women made excuses for that man, saying he just wanted me to know how much he liked black women and
. But trashing part of your race when your mama is white, that is just weird. So I went with my instinct. That should be a note to every woman, no matter how a guy looks or whatever other thing that you really like about him , don't fall for the okey doke
. We will sometimes bend a little just to make it
work. Don't do it. Filter accordingly like with anyone else. Women will overlook a lot for a hot guy, a guy who is good in bed (lucky I'm celibate till marriage so I avoid that but I understand that could suck for some), etc. Don't overlook things. Be aware and be willing to (and do ) walk.
As for the rest of your post, I am in 1000 percent agreement. We need to let go of fear and trust in our intuition and act on it. When something feels off, it is off. Don't date them. Those completely thrown situations, are in the minority. They happen, but for the most part there were signs. If you look for them, you will see them.
And OMgoodness when you mention the color blind thing I roll my eyes. I agree. We are not color blind. We are not singing kumbaya songs. A guy who says he doesn't see color will not see me
. I have a beautiful skin color, you will not ignore it
. I have a color, you have a color. There is nothing wrong with color, only something wrong with someone thinking that it means that I am inferior to them because of it, etc. I don't want a clueless guy spouting some kumbaya stuff. I know you are X color and I am black period. Let's not fool ourselves. I think the danger in that is that it also makes it so that it assumes we all are the same and have the same experiences. We don't
. Sure we're all human, but my experience is not your experience. I need someone who is not an idiot and is aware of that, or at the least is open to understanding as their views evolve....but certainly not someone I have to teach. And the thing you mentioned about a quiet man matters. It's like MLK/Desmond Tutu/ Elie Wiesel say (I paraphrase but it is similar for each):"If you are neutral in situations of injustice you are standing on the side of the oppressor". I can't have a guy standing there cluelessly, asking me if I'm sure, or some other b.s. I don't need a guy running around with a bullhorn protesting all day too because that's tiring but I do need someone who will stand up for me, for
us, and will also lend an ear to a situation and believe me (and also realize that the world is not a perfect little place, that there is a little thing called racism). Who wants to go into a relationship (or in my case marriage as I am looking for the next step now and it may be with a person of whatever race) with a guy who you can't respect and who you don't think will cover you?
So in my opinion the man needs to cover you (whatever his race) period and you need to be able to count on him and trust that he has your best interests in mind (and will implement them and be protective of your relationship). If I'm marrying white it needs to be a Harry type (remember that letter he fired off for Meg with the press when his bro was telling him to go radio silent? ), a guy who sees injustice and won't stand for it, and who will protect the person he loves. But most important I need to trust him behind closed doors with my heart and that means that even in a situation where he is angry and he wants to lash out, he will not resort to believing that he is superior to me and making sure I know it. Because if that is the case, then we were never meant to be in the first place. And I would be able to tell that by things I mentioned and things in the quotes that others have mentioned as well. That is intuitive. ANy guy who looks down on a woman for whatever reason (some just think women are inferior. They look at us like children. We need to be in our place , etc. Some may have other issues, and then there are racism issues)...is not to be tolerated. Find someone who really loves us.
Really truly loves us in a way that is healthy, and that is the best way to avoid dating a racist, a woman hater, an abuser, etc. Again there are always random cases that you cannot prevent and in those, you leave as soon as you know because what else can you do? But for the most part I do believe these things can be spotted.
Can't hide their hearts in those territories; the truth rides in full view.
