How long do you wait for a proposal?

[Bliss806]

I was just wondering what is the longest you will wait for your SO to propose to you? I have been with my SO for three years now but we have known each other all our lives. We currently live together and have a 3 month old daughter. I am ready for the ring!! Am I wrong if I set a time limit to leave if he doesn't propose to me??erplexed

 

[Supervixen]

Nope. Just be sure you're ready to leave.

 

[Lucie]

365 days. I am not saying he should marry and propose to you all within 1 year but if a person is good enough to have a child with (a commitment equivalent to marriage IMHO) than wouldn't this same woman be good enough to marry?

I do not believe in ultimatums because if he reacts the way that you want, how can you ever be sure it was something he really wanted to do?

 

[VelvetRain]

That was one of the main reasons why my ex and I are no longer. I knew this man for four years and he still couldn't commit on that level. I remember Bunny specifically saying that most men know if you are the one and if they want to take it to that level(marriage) by the six month mark. Considering my age now (mid 30's) after steady dating someone for a solid year I would be expecting a proposal shortly thereafter.

So yes I am all for a time limit and be sure to enforce that within. Best wishes in your situation as I do understand.

 

[Bliss806]

365 days. I am not saying he should marry and propose to you all within 1 year but if a person is good enough to have a child with (a commitment equivalent to marriage IMHO) than wouldn't this same woman be good enough to marry?

I do not believe in ultimatums because if he reacts the way that you want, how can you ever be sure it was something he really wanted to do?

I understand that however, I don't pressure him about it. Honestly, I try not to bring it up. When I was pregnant I explained to him that I would like to be married within the next two to three years and if we aren't moving towards that then I will leave. I want to be with him but I don't want to wait around for someone who doesn't have the same dreams as me.

 

[Renewed1]

I'm 33 and whomever I am dating have about 6 to 8 months to propose. I agree with Bunny men know within that time frame if he wants to marry you or not.

But of course, I'm taking a little more aggressive approach to dating/courtship. I refuse to waste my time on a man tha tis not marriage minded.

 

[locabouthair]

How old are the two of you, if you don't mind me asking?

If you really want to me married, don't settle. I agree with Lucie. Your baby is beautiful.

 

[Bliss806]

How old are the two of you, if you don't mind me asking?

If you really want to me married, don't settle. I agree with Lucie. Your baby is beautiful.

I am 25 and he is 26. Thank you!!!

 

[BeautifulFlower]

A time limit is a neccessary. Its lets them know you are looking for a commitment and you dont intend to be their girlfriend forever.

If your young and dating someone, two to three years is ok. But when you hit ages 24 and up, IMO, two years or less is my rule.

I gave my SO two years to propose and marry. He knew after one week that he would marry me and tells me all the time.

If your SO hasnt been talking about marriage with you and isnt talking about it now, I would give a time limit ASAP. But like the ladies have said be prepared to walk should be slack his feet on it.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

Nope. Just be sure you're ready to leave.

I think this is key. I think I read some where that women are still very emotional nine months AFTER they give birth and the body still acts as if it is pregnant. Make sure what ever you decided that you come to that conclusion after the next six months. If after 18 months you aren't married (not just engaged), its time to go because he has zero intentions on marrying you, ever.

 

[Bunny77]

Wow, my name came up a few times here!

Well, I just want to report that I've been practicing what I've been preaching... met a guy in mid-April, and he took me to a ring store in mid-November. No, I don't have the ring yet, but he asked me what kind of stone I liked and what type of setting.

With Christmas, New Year's and Valentine's Day coming up, he now has a few opportunities in which to present me with a very nice gift.

We've also been discussing cities where we'd like to live, types of homes, etc. Again, this is just past the seven-month mark. We are in our 30s, so that makes a difference, but he said he knows that he couldn't even discuss me moving to be with him -- let alone having children with him -- unless he puts a ring on my finger. I told him as well that a year is my time limit, give or take a few months... not like I would leave exactly a year to the day of our first date if there's no ring, but my personal deadline is the end of next spring.

Anyway, it tells me quite a bit about your SO, Bliss806, that he has not made moves to marry you after three years, living together and most importantly, after you've created a child together.

You need to make some tough decisions right now as to what you're going to do, and if you want to be married and he won't budge, you have to be strong enough to move on. At 25-26, 3 years is enough time for him to make a move, and with the fact that you became pregnant, that should have made him make that move a while ago.

 

[Bunny77]

I understand that however, I don't pressure him about it. Honestly, I try not to bring it up. When I was pregnant I explained to him that I would like to be married within the next two to three years and if we aren't moving towards that then I will leave. I want to be with him but I don't want to wait around for someone who doesn't have the same dreams as me.

The bolded is a mistake. You NEED to bring it up.

 

[VelvetRain]

Wow, my name came up a few times here!

Well, I just want to report that I've been practicing what I've been preaching... met a guy in mid-April, and he took me to a ring store in mid-November. No, I don't have the ring yet, but he asked me what kind of stone I liked and what type of setting.

With Christmas, New Year's and Valentine's Day coming up, he now has a few opportunities in which to present me with a very nice gift.

We've also been discussing cities where we'd like to live, types of homes, etc. Again, this is just past the seven-month mark. We are in our 30s, so that makes a difference, but he said he knows that he couldn't even discuss me moving to be with him -- let alone having children with him -- unless he puts a ring on my finger. I told him as well that a year is my time limit, give or take a few months... not like I would leave exactly a year to the day of our first date if there's no ring, but my personal deadline is the end of next spring.

Anyway, it tells me quite a bit about your SO, Bliss806, that he has not made moves to marry you after three years, living together and most importantly, after you've created a child together.

You need to make some tough decisions right now as to what you're going to do, and if you want to be married and he won't budge, you have to be strong enough to move on. At 25-26, 3 years is enough time for him to make a move, and with the fact that you became pregnant, that should have made him make that move a while ago.

That is great news Bunny. You guys are definitely on track. I am sure we all will be hearing your engagement story in the very near future. I swear I have learned more about relationships from your posts than I have gotten in any book.

Looking in hindsight it really doesn't take a man years to know if he wants to marry you or not. All the stalling is usually for a reason which dictates you really aren't the one afterall.

 

[Bunny77]

That is great news Bunny. You guys are definitely on track. I am sure we all will be hearing your engagement story in the very near future. I swear I have learned more about relationships from your posts than I have gotten in any book.

Looking in hindsight it really doesn't take a man years to know if he wants to marry you or not. All the stalling is usually for a reason which dictates you really aren't the one afterall.

Aww, thanks! I really appreciate that.

Funny, two years ago (wow, really in just 2007???) I was totally drifting in the wilderness and wondering why I couldn't find any man who wanted to commit. Something in my spirit told me that the way I'd been dating (or attempting to date) was just... off.

So I read everything I could about successful relationships, from books to blogs and message boards (some of the ladies here were really helpful). I looked at young seemingly successful couples -- including my own co-workers. When I noticed all my co-workers in my age range getting married and having kids when I was not, I figured something was wrong.

All of this observing, talking, etc., led me to the exact conclusion you stated. When a man knows what -- and who -- he wants, he moves VERY quickly and a woman never has to guess where he stands. And also, a woman sets the standard from the beginning by making her intentions clear and basically telling him to take it or leave it.

A few dudes I met early on after my mindset change were like, eh, I don't think I'm ready or they needed a few years, blah blah blah. I was like, cool... and moved on.

Anyway, enough yapping from me. In the OP's case, she probably was like me in the past in thinking that one shouldn't really bring up marriage to a man and that he'd come around to it naturally... problem is, by not making her desires and expectations clear, he knows he can do whatever... so the OP has to really backtrack here and try to blaze a different trail in her relationship... I do hope it works out for the best!

 

[Theo]

Wow, my name came up a few times here!

Well, I just want to report that I've been practicing what I've been preaching... met a guy in mid-April, and he took me to a ring store in mid-November. No, I don't have the ring yet, but he asked me what kind of stone I liked and what type of setting.

With Christmas, New Year's and Valentine's Day coming up, he now has a few opportunities in which to present me with a very nice gift.

We've also been discussing cities where we'd like to live, types of homes, etc. Again, this is just past the seven-month mark. We are in our 30s, so that makes a difference, but he said he knows that he couldn't even discuss me moving to be with him -- let alone having children with him -- unless he puts a ring on my finger. I told him as well that a year is my time limit, give or take a few months... not like I would leave exactly a year to the day of our first date if there's no ring, but my personal deadline is the end of next spring.

Anyway, it tells me quite a bit about your SO, Bliss806, that he has not made moves to marry you after three years, living together and most importantly, after you've created a child together.

You need to make some tough decisions right now as to what you're going to do, and if you want to be married and he won't budge, you have to be strong enough to move on. At 25-26, 3 years is enough time for him to make a move, and with the fact that you became pregnant, that should have made him make that move a while ago.

Woohoo! High five!

To the OP... you need to talk with your BF. I definitely do not think that you are wrong to leave if he is not willing to take your relationship further than what it is now.

 

[HoneyA]

So I read everything I could about successful relationships, from books to blogs and message boards (some of the ladies here were really helpful).

When a man knows what -- and who -- he wants, he moves VERY quickly and a woman never has to guess where he stands. And also, a woman sets the standard from the beginning by making her intentions clear and basically telling him to take it or leave it.

See all this here? Key...When a man knows, he knows. He does not need 3 years or more to figure out if you are the "One". I have heard of men who knew within hours whether or not they would marry a particular woman. I think at a year's mark, if he's still messing about, warning bells should go off.

I am not one for ultimatums though, they never turn out well. I am speaking from experience here. If a man is not ready, there is nothing you can do to change his mind and forget about pressuring him. He'll run in the other direction, again speaking from experience. Have a mature, heart to heart with him and tell him what you'd like to have from the relationship, gauge his response and you will know how to proceed. If you have to back away, back away but no ultimatums, no pressure, no extra words. Men do not respond to words like we do.

I also highly recommend reading all the literature you can find about relationships, including what is in the Bible. It really helps you to see your value and the type of relationship you are worth. Good luck OP!

 

[gabulldawg]

I think the actual time limit is going to be different for different people. It sounds to me like you've reached your time limit! 3 years + 1 baby should = MARRIAGE! If he's not moving in that direction that should be a HUGE sign for you. No ultmatum should even be necessary. Any man who truly loves you would want to give you whatever you desire (that he can afford ), INCLUDING marriage. It took me a while to learn that, but I get it now! I think I've found that man, and you deserve to find yours, too!!

I was with my ex for FOUR years! SUCH a waste of time! After that relationship I told myself that I would NEVER waste that much time in a relationship again. I'm in my mid-20's and I'm not in a hurry to marry, but I'm also not trying to waste anymore of my life with someone who doesn't want to spend the rest of their life with me. I agree that a man will know whether or not he wants to marry you within a year.

 

[Bunny77]

See all this here? Key...When a man knows, he knows. He does not need 3 years or more to figure out if you are the "One". I have heard of men who knew within hours whether or not they would marry a particular woman. I think at a year's mark, if he's still messing about, warning bells should go off.

I am not one for ultimatums though, they never turn out well. I am speaking from experience here. If a man is not ready, there is nothing you can do to change his mind and forget about pressuring him. He'll run in the other direction, again speaking from experience. Have a mature, heart to heart with him and tell him what you'd like to have from the relationship, gauge his response and you will know how to proceed. If you have to back away, back away but no ultimatums, no pressure, no extra words. Men do not respond to words like we do.

I also highly recommend reading all the literature you can find about relationships, including what is in the Bible. It really helps you to see your value and the type of relationship you are worth. Good luck OP!

I agree about no ultimatums. Plus, what often happens is that a man might present what folks call a "shut-up" ring. So you've got your ring and you're a fiancee, but the actual marriage still hasn't happened... so again, you're waiting.

I've never issued ultimatums, but I always made it clear from the beginning that I was dating for the purpose of marriage. After that, they could say whether they had the same intention or not. If they didn't, then I knew what to do.

Since you are already in the relationship (to the original poster), an ultimatum might not work, but you can definitely say what HoneyA suggested, hear what he has to say and if it conflicts with what you want, start making plans to move on. It is possible that he could respond favorably... remember, you were the one who told him 2-3 years even though you were already pregnant and you didn't stress how important marriage was to you. Maybe if you do so now and explain why, you might get a good response. I know another poster on this board was in a similar situation and she finally said she wanted to get married. And she stuck to her guns, and they're married now.

 

[femalegold]

You are already leaving as a married couple I don't see the problem with actually going ahead and getting married. I believe you need to bring it up to him and ask him what may be holding him back from getting married to you. I don't think you should give him an ultamatum. I believe you should sit him down and talk about your concerns and ask why or what the problem is.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Don't be scared to let him know you want to get married and soon. I dated DH for 3.5 years before he proposed and a year later we got married. Pretty much I started looking for my own apartment when our lease was about to be up and started discussing separating the apartment furniture. A short while later I got a ring. I hate giving ultimatums, but sometimes men get comfortable and need a push.

If he is dead set against getting married, you have no choice but to accept your situation or move on.

 

[HoneyA]

Don't be scared to let him know you want to get married and soon. I dated DH for 3.5 years before he proposed and a year later we got married. Pretty much I started looking for my own apartment when our lease was about to be up and started discussing separating the apartment furniture. A short while later I got a ring. I hate giving ultimatums, but sometimes men get comfortable and need a push.

If he is dead set against getting married, you have no choice but to accept your situation or move on.

Case in point. This is what men understand and respond to. Forget the talk. And if they don't respond favourably, as in with an engagement and a wedding date, then it's not meant to be. There is someone else out there for you.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

My SO and I are long distance and by the time he finishes his degree and moves to my city we will have been together for 3 years. I told him that if he didnt put a ring on my finger by year 4, I would be out.

 

[Bliss806]

I think this is key. I think I read some where that women are still very emotional nine months AFTER they give birth and the body still acts as if it is pregnant. Make sure what ever you decided that you come to that conclusion after the next six months. If after 18 months you aren't married (not just engaged), its time to go because he has zero intentions on marrying you, ever.

Well luckily I never went through the all the emotional changes of pregnancy or even after. I've been in my right mind from the beginning but I will give it that much time to see what happens.

 

[Bliss806]

I have brought the topic up before but when I speak about it he seems uneasy and that makes me feel stupid and inadequate. He says that he wants to marry me but he isn't where he needs to be right now. I understand financially we aren't doing well and he's looking for a better job/career because I am not working right now. I stay home and take care of our daughter. I know for a fact that he can't afford a ring which I understand but I am not asking for a big diamond ring and a lavish wedding. I just want him. I am working on becoming a wedding planner so he knows I had dreams of a big wedding but I will take a small, simple wedding if thats what it has to be. I am so confused. Could these just be excuses that he is giving me because he isn't ready to get married?

 

[Bunny77]

I have brought the topic up before but when I speak about it he seems uneasy and that makes me feel stupid and inadequate. He says that he wants to marry me but he isn't where he needs to be right now. I understand financially we aren't doing well and he's looking for a better job/career because I am not working right now. I stay home and take care of our daughter. I know for a fact that he can't afford a ring which I understand but I am not asking for a big diamond ring and a lavish wedding. I just want him. I am working on becoming a wedding planner so he knows I had dreams of a big wedding but I will take a small, simple wedding if thats what it has to be. I am so confused. Could these just be excuses that he is giving me because he isn't ready to get married?

Thanks for giving more information.

Here's the deal... like you said, you don't need a big wedding. You really don't need a wedding at all... you could go tomorrow to the courthouse and get a marriage license, and BAM, you're married. I'm sure family and friends could chip in for a nice backyard party if you did want to have a wedding though, and there are a lot of churches that are willing to help folks who don't have a lot of money but want to marry.

(Plus, you can get a small diamond ring for about $500 at Kay Jewelers... I'm sure they have financing plans.)

Here's the problem though... okay, so he's not where he needs to be financially, but y'all already have a baby. So whether you're married or not, y'all have to have money to raise a baby. How is money stopping you from getting married? You're already living together, already sharing a place, already combining funds... how does marriage change that?

It doesn't... UNLESS... he is trying to avoid making that level of commitment to you. Also, if a man is making you feel stupid and inadequate, that's a problem.

I think he's definitely making excuses. Marriage is NOT expensive (the only real money spent is for the certificate if that's all you get right now), especially since you're living like you're married right now.

 

[Highly Favored8]

For me I would wait 6-9 months for a proposal. However, IMHO it would be nice to know the intentions of both who are a couple. Guy could just want fun/ a woman can want a committment or vice versa.

 

[AstroQueen77]

Honestly, I am hearing warning bells. He is uneasy because he does not want to get married, for whatever reason. Have you made it abundantly clear to him that you want to get married? Don't hint around and don't halt the conversation just because he gets uneasy. If in a few months, he dosen't show his cards, I would begin distancing myself from him. An earlier poster mentioned that she basically started looking for an apartment and was organizing her furniture. This is what men understand.

 

[Bliss806]

Thanks for giving more information.

Here's the deal... like you said, you don't need a big wedding. You really don't need a wedding at all... you could go tomorrow to the courthouse and get a marriage license, and BAM, you're married. I'm sure family and friends could chip in for a nice backyard party if you did want to have a wedding though, and there are a lot of churches that are willing to help folks who don't have a lot of money but want to marry.

(Plus, you can get a small diamond ring for about $500 at Kay Jewelers... I'm sure they have financing plans.)

Here's the problem though... okay, so he's not where he needs to be financially, but y'all already have a baby. So whether you're married or not, y'all have to have money to raise a baby. How is money stopping you from getting married? You're already living together, already sharing a place, already combining funds... how does marriage change that?

It doesn't... UNLESS... he is trying to avoid making that level of commitment to you. Also, if a man is making you feel stupid and inadequate, that's a problem.

I think he's definitely making excuses. Marriage is NOT expensive (the only real money spent is for the certificate if that's all you get right now), especially since you're living like you're married right now.

a

I feel stupid because he basically acts like I'm bothering him by bringing it up it's always like "I know babe but why do you keep bringing it up... I feel like I am being pressured". I don't want to get married at City Hall but I am sure my family and I can make a small wedding happen. I will take a proposal without a ring. When I gave birth my mom gave me a ring that looks like an engagement ring and told him " here I got the engagement ring, now you get the wedding band". Although she was joking it really can be an engagement ring.
My problem with leaving now is that I will be taking him away from his daughter. He is a great father to her and helps me out so much. He is also a great man to me. Throughout my pregnancy he was there for me, waiting on me hand and foot. I was on bed rest with IV's and medication from my 2nd month. I don't know, it's such a hard decision to make but I KNOW I want to be married and to my daughters father. I don't want to sit around waiting for him and then years later I am still in a relationship with a man who hasn't made me his wife. That scares me.

 

[Bunny77]

a

I feel stupid because he basically acts like I'm bothering him by bringing it up it's always like "I know babe but why do you keep bringing it up... I feel like I am being pressured".

Okay, see, I'm traditional and all, so this doesn't fly. In my world, you get married and then have babies, BUT if you happen to get pregnant before marriage, a marriage proposal is expected IMMEDIATELY. So, the idea that a man who has been with a woman for a while and already has a baby by her would say that he's being pressured simply DOES. NOT. COMPUTE in my world. He should have BEEN married you at this point... BEEN married you.

I don't want to get married at City Hall but I am sure my family and I can make a small wedding happen.

I do hope you get your small wedding, but honestly at this point, I feel like once folks already have popped out a kid and are living like a family, the time to still be waiting for a wedding has passed. However, if this is what you really want, that's cool, but I don't believe in delaying the process for a wedding.

My problem with leaving now is that I will be taking him away from his daughter. He is a great father to her and helps me out so much. He is also a great man to me. Throughout my pregnancy he was there for me, waiting on me hand and foot. I was on bed rest with IV's and medication from my 2nd month. I don't know, it's such a hard decision to make but I KNOW I want to be married and to my daughters father. I don't want to sit around waiting for him and then years later I am still in a relationship with a man who hasn't made me his wife. That scares me.

I understand this concern, and I know it's harder to make this decision because you do have a child. I can't say, "Just leave," because I know you have a lot to figure out.

I do think though that you must be more firm (not mean and evil) in making it clear though that you are not going to remain in a relationship in which you're not married. I don't care what he says about pressure, blah blah blah. State your case plainly and say that's your final answer. Then you can start doing like SpelmanLocks did and begin making plans to move on... that could spur him to action if he sees you're for real about it.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I think it depends on the person and where their values lie.

When I was younger 15-18, I thought it was so important to wait for marriage. But I was a horndog, so I kept trying to get a commitment out of my then-SO to seal that deal and make it okay to have sex. Well... he gave me my fake BS engagement (no ring, but we were supposed to be Adventists, so our beliefs made that cool). I had sex... and in the end I realized my desire to commit to certain values (which I no longer completely adhere to) is what made me anxious for marriage.

Now, I'm older and after that experience, I realized I never had a desire for marriage or needed to be committed. But I DO feel that if I am going to be committed to you, then at some point it will need to go to the next level or you can relinquish your exclusivity to me and we can both have fun. (I'm married now btw).