How Long did it Truly take you to Recover

[Neek-a-Nator]

from earth shattering heart break???? I'm not talkin when you were able to get through the day without crying but when you actually reached the point when you didn't constantly think about this person.
the time in which it took for you to truly get over him.

 

[daydreem2876]

Wow... thats difficult to answer because i was in a relationship with a psycho so my time frame may be off but none the less it was about six months befor I stopped crying, a year for him not to overwhelm my daily thoughts and to stop being afraid, and maybe a total of two years to really start enjoying life again. That may seem like a long time but I had to make a long mental journey back to me.

 

[Reminiscing]

Wow... thats difficult to answer because i was in a relationship with a psycho so my time frame may be off but none the less it was about six months befor I stopped crying, a year for him not to overwhelm my daily thoughts and to stop being afraid, and maybe a total of two years to really start enjoying life again. That may seem like a long time but I had to make a long mental journey back to me.

I agree with Daydream. I was in a serious relationship for 4 years. We looked at engagement rings and then I found out he was cheating. It took a year for the breakup to be really final. A month of that was crying daily, 2 months crying 1 to 2 times a week and then the rest of the year randomly crying over things that reminded me of him. All in that time frame, I tried to stay his friend. I believed that if I stayed in contact with him it would hurt less but all it did was prolong my process of getting over him. Once I finally cut him off completely which was a year after the actual breakup, I finally began to heal. I thought about him less and most importantly I stopped having what I call "nightmares." Nightmares are when you dream that you're still together, still happy and in love and then you wake up and realize it's just a dream. Those dreams were painful and always started my day off with tears . By the time I was ready to date again, two years had passed. But be careful because dating again doesn't always mean its over. I met a very nice guy (or so I thought) and dated him for 4 months before the real him came out and I quickly kicked him to the curb. During the 4 months, I barely thought about my ex but the recent breakup made me start thinking of all the things I missed about him. So back came the tears and back came the nightmares but thankfully they didn't last long. After a month I was fine again.

So to answer your question, if you truly loved the person you will never really get over him because there will always be things that you miss and appreciate about him. BUT you will learn to accept the breakup and you will MOVE ON. Remember what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I learned a lot in my 4 year relationship and I will apply all my lessons to my next relationship making me a much stronger and wiser girlfriend. Hold on to your positive memories with him. Don't use them to compare to another guy because that's unfair to the new guy. But use them to stay hopeful and to keep the bitterness away. No man wants a bitter woman and if you can remember what it feels like to love and be loved then a new man will see that in you and love you for it.

You didn't really say if you're going through a breakup or not but if you are I suggest listening to Boys II Men "I will Get There." I was just listening to it as encouragement for something else I'm going through but I believe it applies to dealing with a breakup as well.

I pray that you'll find comfort soon!

 

[~VicTorIAn~]

It was about 2 years for me too.
There was a point when I thought I was over it after 6 months, then I saw pictures of him with his new girl and... I was not OK.

I had to get to the stage where I didnt look at him as mine anymore.

 

[ThickHair]

Husband and I started dating in 94, moved in together after proposal 99, married in 00, seperated in 05, divorced 07, stopped thinking of him daily toward the end of 08, beginning of 09.

Yes, bf\gf longer than marriage, boo-hiss.

ETA: First year after seperation I cried daily, I mean snotty, red eyes, balling, screaming and yelling. I was the one who wanted it over, go figure.

 

[phynestone]

It's taken me a LONG while and that's because we were still friends and spending time with one another. I've learned to accept it and while I'll never understand why certain relationships foil, I think God has someone better for me.

 

[movado32k1]

I appreciate you starting this tread Neek-a-Nator. I just broke up with the first person I really felt I could marry a month ago and was wondering this same thing. WOW most people said two years!!!!! I have been forcing myself to go out but I just end up thinking about him, so I give up. I guess I have a year plus left before i can be ok again. ;-(.

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

About 1.5yrs

The 1st few months were cool...at first because I had a rebound boo...that stopped...ex tried 2 get me back...found out he was messing with another chick around 6 months after the break up...I lost a massive amount of weight and broke out and cut my hair, which ofcourse only exacerbated the prob...I told him I never wanted 2 hear from him again...he kept calling...I began talking to him bcuz I thought he had learned his lesson...but it only made the pain worse....I would think of him with some1 else and literally vomit...I was a mess....around a yr after I finally reclaimed my life...and a few months after that...I stopped obsessing over it...

Deborah Cox "Saying Goodbye" made me feel all better

 

[Neek-a-Nator]

I agree with Daydream. I was in a serious relationship for 4 years. We looked at engagement rings and then I found out he was cheating. It took a year for the breakup to be really final. A month of that was crying daily, 2 months crying 1 to 2 times a week and then the rest of the year randomly crying over things that reminded me of him. All in that time frame, I tried to stay his friend. I believed that if I stayed in contact with him it would hurt less but all it did was prolong my process of getting over him. Once I finally cut him off completely which was a year after the actual breakup, I finally began to heal. I thought about him less and most importantly I stopped having what I call "nightmares." Nightmares are when you dream that you're still together, still happy and in love and then you wake up and realize it's just a dream. Those dreams were painful and always started my day off with tears . By the time I was ready to date again, two years had passed. But be careful because dating again doesn't always mean its over. I met a very nice guy (or so I thought) and dated him for 4 months before the real him came out and I quickly kicked him to the curb. During the 4 months, I barely thought about my ex but the recent breakup made me start thinking of all the things I missed about him. So back came the tears and back came the nightmares but thankfully they didn't last long. After a month I was fine again.

So to answer your question, if you truly loved the person you will never really get over him because there will always be things that you miss and appreciate about him. BUT you will learn to accept the breakup and you will MOVE ON. Remember what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I learned a lot in my 4 year relationship and I will apply all my lessons to my next relationship making me a much stronger and wiser girlfriend. Hold on to your positive memories with him. Don't use them to compare to another guy because that's unfair to the new guy. But use them to stay hopeful and to keep the bitterness away. No man wants a bitter woman and if you can remember what it feels like to love and be loved then a new man will see that in you and love you for it.

You didn't really say if you're going through a breakup or not but if you are I suggest listening to Boys II Men "I will Get There." I was just listening to it as encouragement for something else I'm going through but I believe it applies to dealing with a breakup as well.

I pray that you'll find comfort soon!

Thank you so much......I forced myself not to be a bitter woman, noone enjoys the company of a bitter pessimistic person including myself therefore I WOULD NOT allow myself to become the person I despise. To answer your question it's been over for almost a year (a yeay in Nov.) The time for daily crying lasted from Nov to Jan. I was the one that broke it off because I felt like I was losing myself and wasn't getting what I deserved in relation to what I was giving him. And let me tell you, even though I stopped seeing him I was TRULY and COMPLETELY miserable. I felt like I was gonna die, I actually thought how I wished that someone would just stab me cause then I knew the physical pain would eventually subside by emotional pain is a force to be recongned with, something that no one can fix and only time can heal. I was sick, couldn't eat, sleep, had nightmares cause you see this man was the ONLY man I had ever fallen in love with and I'm 33, I didn't think it was possible for me to have those type of feelings but it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I feel bad because I still think about him and I wish I didn't. I thought I was abnormal for still having these feelings, actually I felt quite embarrassed cause I'm always the strong one and why can't I erase him from my mind. A close friend of mine actually told me the same thing you revealed and that is, you will always remember and think of him from time to time because you were in love. Honestly it scares me to know that he will be a constant memory as I don't want him to be. I ceased ALL contact with him in Nov and never spoke to him again but its still hard and sometimes a constant struggle.

But thank you for your kind words

 

[urbanchic]

Oooh chile.... out of darkness does come light. I feel like testifying. I remember a time when the pain was unbearable; it seem as if nuthin could make it better. But time does mend a broken heart. I thought he was the ONE. We had so much in common. Looking back on it, I feel like I wasted too much time and too much emotion over a man. It took me aout 2.5 yrs to truly heal. It was a mistake to try and remain friends...it only prolonged the hurt. But on a brighter note, I'm so glad I went through the breakup. I became a better woman because of it. I feel like I have been blessed with the gift of 'good-bye' and I don't have to hold on to someone (i.e. man) or something (i.e.memories) that does not want to be held.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

i agree with the poster who said if you truely loved them, you will never truely forget about them. i still think about my ex, even if it's a movie that we saw together, or a show we used to watch, or even a video game. i was originally angry for while, then sad, then just numb, andthen i was happy again. i think you'll always have memories of them, but it won't be breaking down in tears. but i think those memories only come when i'm pmsing, and feeling lonely. but then i quickly come back to reality and get over it, and move on something more productive.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

Oooh chile.... out of darkness does come light. I feel like testifying. I remember a time when the pain was unbearable; it seem as if nuthin could make it better. But time does mend a broken heart. I thought he was the ONE. We had so much in common. Looking back on it, I feel like I wasted too much time and too much emotion over a man. It took me aout 2.5 yrs to truly heal. It was a mistake to try and remain friends...it only prolonged the hurt. But on a brighter note, I'm so glad I went through the breakup. I became a better woman because of it. I feel like I have been blessed with the gift of 'good-bye' and I don't have to hold on to someone (i.e. man) or something (i.e.memories) that does not want to be held.

i completly agree. OP, you will heal. i was talking with my bff the other day about this, and i went through everything you stated. i thought i was such a loser for feeling that way over a man. I didnt know what i'd do without him. He was my first love, my first real relationship, my first everything. Sorry if this is TMI. lol but, the relationship was a rollercoaster ride, and it was unhealthy. He became a person i didnt even recognize, and his temper was out of control. I had to leave for my mental and physical wellbeing, but i was sad, and lost, and didn't know what i'd do without him. but i had good friends and family that helped me to get through it. i cried alot, and kept to myself, and didnt want to do/go anything. but, when i reflect back on the relationship, i should've left sooner. You may love that person, but you have to love yourself more. I look back at the relationship and and b/c i realize i was too good for him, and he was a COMPLETE LOSER who didnt deserve my tears and heartache. sorry this was soo long. but, and to you, b/c you will get through this. it doesn't feel like it right now, but trust me you will.

 

[Neek-a-Nator]

I appreciate you starting this tread Neek-a-Nator. I just broke up with the first person I really felt I could marry a month ago and was wondering this same thing. WOW most people said two years!!!!! I have been forcing myself to go out but I just end up thinking about him, so I give up. I guess I have a year plus left before i can be ok again. ;-(.

I totally understand, and guess we both have another year of hard labor left. I went on a date with this guy and I didn't even see his face, I was secretly comparing him to the "other" guy. I knew I needed to step back and take a break

 

[Neek-a-Nator]

i completly agree. OP, you will heal. i was talking with my bff the other day about this, and i went through everything you stated. i thought i was such a loser for feeling that way over a man. I didnt know what i'd do without him. He was my first love, my first real relationship, my first everything. Sorry if this is TMI. lol but, the relationship was a rollercoaster ride, and it was unhealthy. He became a person i didnt even recognize, and his temper was out of control. I had to leave for my mental and physical wellbeing, but i was sad, and lost, and didn't know what i'd do without him. but i had good friends and family that helped me to get through it. i cried alot, and kept to myself, and didnt want to do/go anything. but, when i reflect back on the relationship, i should've left sooner. You may love that person, but you have to love yourself more. I look back at the relationship and and b/c i realize i was too good for him, and he was a COMPLETE LOSER who didnt deserve my tears and heartache. sorry this was soo long. but, and to you, b/c you will get through this. it doesn't feel like it right now, but trust me you will.

Glamorous Chic, I feel you, I still feel like a complete loser for feeling this way over a man.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

awwww. you are not. the best thing for me was to immerse myself in work. the good thing for me was that i had some intense post-grad work, so that really helped to get my mind off him. but just know that you're not alone, try to spend time with friends or family.

 

[daydreem2876]

I totally understand, and guess we both have another year of hard labor left. I went on a date with this guy and I didn't even see his face, I was secretly comparing him to the "other" guy. I knew I needed to step back and take a break

please don't think of it as hard labor, it is but don't think of it that way. you have every right to feel what you feel and cry when you need to cry. but I promise you that one day you are just going to get tired of it. If anything you are going to get tired of this situation that has already been decided and wont change dominating every fiber of your being and you will want your life back. i think about him every day but he no longer has the power to determine how my day will go. It still hurts but that relationship will not be the defining moment of my life.

looking back, I really saw it as an opportunity to regroup. the relationship had sucked so much energy out of me, I just needed to the restore myself to who I was the day before we even met. i prayed to God a lot for understanding. I needed to understand why things happened the way they did but more importantly learn the lesson that God would have me learn so I dont make those missteps again.

After almost three years I am now seriously considering entering another relationship. mainly because it is not fair to make a good man pay for another man's sins. so i had to get right. You are on no time frame with your healing, do you.

 

[honeybuni84]

from earth shattering heart break???? I'm not talkin when you were able to get through the day without crying but when you actually reached the point when you didn't constantly think about this person.
the time in which it took for you to truly get over him.

Oh wow.. I have been there honey.. I hurt really bad. He broke up with me right before i went into an interview for a job, and IDk how i managed through the interview with out crying. I sat in my car for 2 hours and cried long tears. I know that pain and it is a deep hurt ( still hurt now thinking about it)

THis happened over the summer and honestly, while i dont cry about him. I wonder where i went wrong, I want him to see all that he is missng out on, and just have the last laugh with him. I am still getting over it, and it just takes time i think..

Would you mind sharing what happened

 

[Reminiscing]

i agree with the poster who said if you truely loved them, you will never truely forget about them. i still think about my ex, even if it's a movie that we saw together, or a show we used to watch, or even a video game. i was originally angry for while, then sad, then just numb, andthen i was happy again. i think you'll always have memories of them, but it won't be breaking down in tears. but i think those memories only come when i'm pmsing, and feeling lonely. but then i quickly come back to reality and get over it, and move on something more productive.

Glamour Chic I completely agree with you, especially the words in bold. I tell everyone there are 3 stages in a breakup... anger, sadness and then numbness. Numbness is the best part. You can't move on if he still angers you or makes you sad. That means he still controls you're emotions. You're back in control when you feel completely neutral about him meaning you're not in love with him and you don't hate him either. You've crossed the biggest hurdle when you can say "I wish him all the best" and truly mean it. God can't bless us if we're wishing bad on someone else.

Take your time in getting over this. Don't get down or feel embarrassed when you have a bad day because of him. Allow your heart to get him out your system. Everyday you cry is one day closer to being over him.

It's be almost 3 years for me and I'm still working on myself. But I'm doing it for me and for no one else. I'm taking my time because I don't want to go through heartbreak like this again. I want to make sure that when I meet the man God has for me, that I meet him with a clear heart and a clear mind.

Here's a hug for you. You'll get through this!

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Still getting over but I have made significant progress in the last 6 to 7 months. It was a 4.5 year relationship. He was no good for me thats why I was able to move on so quickly. I was pursued by someone new about 4 to 5 months after the official break-up (I mean, I havent seen or spoke to him not once since). Having a new guy does help and getting focused on God and life.

 

[Bachelorette]

still recovering..somewhat.

But I must say Im so glad I dont see him. Like we dont live near each other cos that would just make it last even longer.

 

[deltadreamland]

It took me about a year and a half to get over my son's father. My son was 13 months when we broke up and he moved out. My son is now 3.5 and I'm finally at a point where I could care less about whom he's with and what he's doing-some other woman's problem; not mine. 2 years ago the thought of him being with someone else made me sick, but no more...thank God I'm in a good place now.

 

[KPH]

it took almost 2 years because we had a baby and I had sex with him after about a year but I can honestly say I HELD ON FOR NOTHING BECAUSE THE SEX WAS HORRIBLE. I knew I was over him then. He knew it and has been angry about my reaction to that encounter for years (LOL).

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

I know that kind of pain oh so well. First, I was angry at myself for letting him get the best of me, in terms of my heart. The other sad part is, he hurt me so bad that I couldn't even cry. The pain is insurmountable to the point where I slept for days. I didn't go to work, gym, shopping, answer phone calls, etc. That went on for 7 whole days. During that time, you start thinking to yourself "well, what did I do wrong, what did he not see in me, etc." That is when the self pity starts to settle in, thus leading to low self-esteem. When you feel bad on the inside, it starts to reflect on the outside. So, since I went through this self pity stage, it lead to a $3,000 shopping spree. I just said phuck it, and went shopping. Those things I purchased made me feel good only temporarily. Once I got over those "things" that ugly monster called hurt resurfaced. I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror one day and I told myself that I refuse to let him get me like this….live rent free in my mind and heart. I had to reprogram myself, and get ME back. I focused solely on me. It was his loss. The road traveled was not an easy one for me, but I did it.
It's a process, as it happens in stages. First the initial hurt, the self-pity part, then anger. By the time you look up, you've wasted 1.5-2 years trying to heal the wound of a broken heart. Meanwhile, he hasn't wasted any time on moving on with his life (i.e., new woman, car, etc). If you can help it, don't let this man steal 1.5-2 years of your life trying to get over him. It's not worth it. Just think of what you can do during that time.
I hope it goes well for you.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I was with my ex for 6.5 years and the day I left him I was over it (I still cared for him but he destroyed the love that I had for him). I knew that he was not the one for me so there was no reason to hold on. I didn't cry or lament about what could have been. He wasn't the one for me and thank GOD I woke up before permanent damage was done. 5 months into the breakup I was in another relationship. I don't have time to waste emotional energy on fools.

 

[LovelyRo]

I am officially 1 week out of a relationship with my son's father and the day I decided to end things I STOPPED crying! I have not shed a tear since last Wednesday. I found out he was cheating and I wasn't even hurt... it was just amo to get his A$$ out of my house!!! At one point I loved him but that love faded away a long time ago. He became such a bad person to me during our relationship that began to resent him. I mourned the demise of our relationship while we together. I knew he was not the person for me. Although what happened consumes my thoughts, I'm at peace with walking away from the situation. Him and his sideh*e are not even worth my tears!!! I can't even look at the situation like "what was it about her?" and "what could I have done better?" etc. because they are both trifling and she is dumb as h*ll!

 

[MizAvalon]

Years and years. Though it isn't every day anymore, I still think about him fairly often and we broke up almost a decade ago.

 

[Latomian]

I agree with Daydream. I was in a serious relationship for 4 years. We looked at engagement rings and then I found out he was cheating. It took a year for the breakup to be really final. A month of that was crying daily, 2 months crying 1 to 2 times a week and then the rest of the year randomly crying over things that reminded me of him. All in that time frame, I tried to stay his friend. I believed that if I stayed in contact with him it would hurt less but all it did was prolong my process of getting over him. Once I finally cut him off completely which was a year after the actual breakup, I finally began to heal. I thought about him less and most importantly I stopped having what I call "nightmares." Nightmares are when you dream that you're still together, still happy and in love and then you wake up and realize it's just a dream. Those dreams were painful and always started my day off with tears . By the time I was ready to date again, two years had passed. But be careful because dating again doesn't always mean its over. I met a very nice guy (or so I thought) and dated him for 4 months before the real him came out and I quickly kicked him to the curb. During the 4 months, I barely thought about my ex but the recent breakup made me start thinking of all the things I missed about him. So back came the tears and back came the nightmares but thankfully they didn't last long. After a month I was fine again.

So to answer your question, if you truly loved the person you will never really get over him because there will always be things that you miss and appreciate about him. BUT you will learn to accept the breakup and you will MOVE ON. Remember what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I learned a lot in my 4 year relationship and I will apply all my lessons to my next relationship making me a much stronger and wiser girlfriend. Hold on to your positive memories with him. Don't use them to compare to another guy because that's unfair to the new guy. But use them to stay hopeful and to keep the bitterness away. No man wants a bitter woman and if you can remember what it feels like to love and be loved then a new man will see that in you and love you for it.

You didn't really say if you're going through a breakup or not but if you are I suggest listening to Boys II Men "I will Get There." I was just listening to it as encouragement for something else I'm going through but I believe it applies to dealing with a breakup as well.

I pray that you'll find comfort soon!

Sounds weird, but you're like my break up twin. I just haven't reached that point where I let go completely yet.

 

[Sunshine77]

Years and years. Though it isn't every day anymore, I still think about him fairly often and we broke up almost a decade ago.

MizAvalon I thought I was the only one. Although it hurt because I didn't know fully why he left I moved on with my life. Then out of the blue I started hurting years after the breakup. I think I may have put a band-aid over the pain and now since Im really ready to be in a serious relationship and I am letting it go. I spoke to one of my older friends and she told me it took her 11 years to get over one of her relationships.

 

[gabulldawg]

I am officially 1 week out of a relationship with my son's father and the day I decided to end things I STOPPED crying! I have not shed a tear since last Wednesday. I found out he was cheating and I wasn't even hurt... it was just amo to get his A$$ out of my house!!! At one point I loved him but that love faded away a long time ago. He became such a bad person to me during our relationship that began to resent him. I mourned the demise of our relationship while we together. I knew he was not the person for me. Although what happened consumes my thoughts, I'm at peace with walking away from the situation. Him and his sideh*e are not even worth my tears!!! I can't even look at the situation like "what was it about her?" and "what could I have done better?" etc. because they are both trifling and she is dumb as h*ll!

The bolded was the same thing that happened to me. I knew the relationship was over long before I walked away. I cried a lot when I first realized that we weren't going to work out. I thought he was the one. He told me I was the one. We went ring shopping. He claimed he had even bought me an engagement ring. We talked about moving in together. Foolishness.

I will admit that starting to date not long after the actual breakup did help me get over the ex. I'm actually sure it probably helped me get over him a lot faster than if I hadn't started dating. I probably would've ended up right back with my ex in a never-ending cycle.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Ugh...it's taking me a LONG time.

I mean, I've definitely stopped hanging on to "hope" that we'll be together again someday, and he's already moved on and is dating a new girl right now, but it's STILL hard some days.

I find that the week right before AND sometimes even during my period are the WORST for me emotionally. Some days I'll be perfectly fine and happy about the future, but then on other days I'll feel so bad about how he treated me, and how I allowed the situation to go on for as long as it did. Then, I'll feel like a failure because he is now in a relationship and has a serious girlfriend, and I'm not even dating anyone yet.

There are some days I have to scream: "it's just NOT fair!!!"

But!! I KNOW it will get better ladies. WE have to believe! We just have to. I have come a LONG way, so I know I'm getting better. There used to be days when I would have to excuse myself from my desk at work to go cry in the women's bathroom almost every single day. There were times when every single phone conversation that I had with girl friends (and even guy friends lol) were about HIM and why he's behaving the way he is, or what new "updates" I had when things were going "well".

Now days...he disgusts me. I know I can do soo much better than him and find a guy who TRULY loves me. I know I can. But how do you get over the resentment and the feeling of hatred for the guy and how he treated you? How do you ladies get OVER that?? That's what I can't seem to shake. We used to be "friends" too, so that's making it even harder. I still have to see him at church and sometimes it kills me. I've accepted the new girlfriend thing, I've accepted that he just wasn't that "into me" , but how do you get over the visuals of the past pain, the hurt, the current feelings of resentment and wanting him to SUFFER like you did??

I want to get to the point where I am completely numb and indifferent about him. I want to get to the stage where I can see him and not feel a wave of anxiety/dread and a sick feeling in my stomach come over me. I want to get to the point where I can honestly be happy for him and his new girlfriend...where seeing them doesn't make me SICK.

I think when you really loved someone it's harder to get over them. If it were just infatuation, that comes and goes so quickly it's not even funny. But when you spent YEARS on someone, and you really FELL for them and came to love them and care for them, it's very hard to get over that.

It can be done though! I think it can be done. You may always have a "sore spot" for that person, but it doesn't affect you like it did in the past.

I don't know about some ladies here, but I think it may take me getting to know a NEW man better and dating him and seeing him GENUINELY interested in ME for me to finally get over the resentment part for the "ex".

But don't lose hope ladies! We can OVERcome!