How important to you are your loved ones' opinions of your OTHER loved ones?

[YankeeCandle]

I don't really mean "how much do you care what your friends think of your SO?" It's not that simple.

I mean, you have two parties: the first one is a person you love, admire and respect. You have a Loved One #2, either an S.O. or a dear friend whom you also love, admire and respect. The former is *not* prejudiced from the outset against the latter (e.g. we're not talking the stereotypical ethnic/economic issues your strict old-school granny has about your Japanese street musician husband).

Rather, "granny" is ready and willing to keep an open mind about your relationships, but "she" has come to an unfavorable opinion or conclusion about your loved one that you believe is inaccurate due to her simply not knowing the latter well enough.

Assume that you genuinely believe they have the wrong impression of your friend or SO. How much, if at all, do you let it affect (a) your relationship, and (b) your opinion of Loved One #2?

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

Going off your example...

A. It would bother me alot mentally. To not have approval by #1 about #2 would break my heart. It wouldn't affect the relationship directly but it would indirectly if that makes sense. I am the type of person where my #1 is all that I have left and to not have her approval would hurt. So I wouldn't be settled until they had a chance to sit down with each other and knowing my sneaky self I would trick them some kind of way where they would have to be alone and talk to each other and leave them long enough to figure out why they feel the way they do. and if I have done all that and #1 still aint digging #2, I'm asking questions and if the answers ain't making sense I pray on it at that point and agree to disagree heartfully.

B. No matter what anyone else thinks, i wouldn't let it bother my opinon of #2. I still have my own mind and as long as #2 is being good to me my feelings remain the same. No change there.

The hard part is at what point does #1 get to have some say-so in the relationship, if any? I say #1 doesn't but you can definitely share and enlighten me on why #2 just isn't right for me, but I will make the final decision

 

[YankeeCandle]

I am the type of person where my #1 is all that I have left and to not have her approval would hurt.

I really loved your whole answer.

I am just like this bit--the #1 will always deep down be, when you get right down to it, more important to me...we are talking cherished sisters, beloved grandparents, sainted parents, or lifelong bosom friends here. I HATE HATE HATE when loved ones put me in the position of choosing between them and a #2. It's like, "Why can't I be with you both?" But personal opinions and prejudices always get in the way. And just because I disagree with them does not mean I don't respect their opinion---

----actually, what's the toughest is that I DO respect their opinion and admire their judgment. I just think they don't have all the facts in some cases.

I must say, you really wowed me with your conclusion. It takes a very strong person not to let her love for another be poisoned by even the most loving and well-meaning loved one.

 

[YankeeCandle]

Anyone else have thoughts on the subject (or experience with this situation)?

 

[Miss AJ]

My best friend's mom hated my ex and she had never met him but that's different because everyone including HIS parents knew he was not being the man he needed to be, I was the only one who didn't see it. If it's just a matter of a wrong impression then I would try to get the loved one to see that he is not what they think. My family is very important to me so if someone like my mother or brother didn't like who I was seeing and had a legitimate reason to feel that way then I would definitely take a step back and see if there is a red flag I'm ignoring.

 

[YankeeCandle]

^^^^ yes, I definitely considered the option of "a red flag that I am too blinded by affection to see." But if something is just factually wrong, and I know it to be so, it hurts all the more that the person with that opinion is, like you say, a #1 whose opinion means so very much to you.

And the other thing that occured to me: if the person holding the negative opinion is someone already ON MY SIDE and predisposed to wanting to like someone important to me...what are the reactions of my other #1s who are already hoping for the failure of my relationship with #2?