How does your SO feel about your male friends?

[Kinkyhairlady]

Is he ok with it or does he show jealousy? I mostly have male friends and I don't hide that from my SO but he is starting to act funny every time I tell him I'm going out with one of my closest male friends. We got into an argument cause yesterday that friend called me while I was talking to SO and invited me to service so I quickly told SO I am going to service bye. When I came back he barely wanted to speak to me actually he didn't I was trying to explain that I had to go to church and he's says to me do as you please you seem very close with that guy so good luck

I'm a single woman who lives alone. My male friends have been there for me when I needed something fixed or if I blew a fuse etc. I'm not gonna drop them for SO and not even if we marry. I have been honest about my friends but now I'm thinking I should not have been so honest. Now SO finds my close male friend as a threat and he does not need to but I don't know how to convince him otherwise. He basically does not believe men and woman can just be friends. In his mind I should not be spending a lot of time with others males unless its family or him.

My questions is... Would you give up your relationship with a male friend if your SO or DH was not comfortable with the relationship?

 

[DarkJoy]

I only keep one male friend and I'm dating someone but wouldn't call him an SO yet. However, here's my take on the current sitch:

1.

We got into an argument cause yesterday that friend called me while I was talking to SO and invited me to service so I quickly told SO I am going to service bye. When I came back he barely wanted to speak to me actually he didn't I was trying to explain that I had to go to church and he's says to me do as you please you seem very close with that guy so good luck

Wait. You just dropped what you were in the middle of doing (even if just hanging out) to hang out with a friend? Why didn't you invite SO along? In general, that is just rude behavior. Unless an emergency, I see no reason to just run off and leave my SO hanging. Of COURSE he would be pissed above and beyond the friend being male. Would you like that sort of treatment for him to choose another female over you?

2.

I'm a single woman who lives alone.

False. Kinda. You're not exactly single. Your SO has feelings that have to be taken into account particularly if you're trying to progress this to marriage.

3.

He basically does not believe men and woman can just be friends. In his mind I should not be spending a lot of time with others males unless its family or him.

My questions is... Would you give up your relationship with a male friend if your SO or DH was not comfortable with the relationship?

I will not give up my male friends. However, if my current dating sitch escalates, I plan to have them meet. Have you gotten your SO and friends together to ease his mind a bit?

 

[hopeful]

I would not give up my closest male friends, but I would be sure to be respectful of my SO firstly, ie., I would not quickly get off the phone with my SO to accept a last minute invite from a male friend. I think that's unkind. So, no you shouldn't lie but you should make some adjustments IMO.

 

[faithVA]

I would not give up my closest male friends, but I would be sure to be respectful of my SO firstly, ie., I would not quickly get off the phone with my SO to accept a last minute invite from a male friend. I think that's unkind. So, no you shouldn't lie but you should make some adjustments IMO.

I agree with this. All male friends have been relegated to an appropriate position. I speak to them only when I am truly available. I wouldn't hang with my male friends unless it was in a group outing. They respect that I am in a relationship just as I respect their relationship.

OP, you seem to be a little insensitive. You do have the right to do what you want but presenting in a take it or leave it fashion will probably not work for you in the long run.

 

[biznesswmn]

If DH ever had a problem w my male friends he would let me know and then it would be up to me to fix it. I would not give up my friends but our relationship would hav to change a bit

How deeply do u feel for SO? He is clearly uncomfortable w your friendships so u hav to make it right. Is he worth losing?
Do u think your friends wont be there if u cut them back for your SO? Not cut them loose but SO needs to feel like he has priority.

Be careful bcuz he sounds like he has one foot out the door w that 'good luck' comment.

 

[MzLady78]

I have a group of male friends that I go back 21 years with, so I get where you're coming from about not dropping them.

That being said, you were dead a** wrong for how you handled that situation, and I absolutely don't blame him for being upset. I agree some adjustments need to be made.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Hmm seems like I was in the wrong. I was rushing cause my friend said he'd be picking me up so I had to go shower. I do come off a bit insensitive and I'm working in that but I still don't understand why I need to give up my male friends. They all have spouses or girlfriends so what's the issue. He said he does not want to meet any of my male friends which I find rude.

 

[Lucie]

I'd feel pretty annoyed if my dude got off the phone with me quick to get ready to go out with his girl-friend. Like what am I? Chopped liver?!

I don't think you should have to drop any friends. But if you continue to act the way that you do, you will set off unintended red flags for your SO. How would YOU feel if he did that to you hon?

I have male friends, mostly relatives. But my dude knows about all of them. My dude wants all my attention anyway, so he is equal opportunity with his jealousy, LOL! J/k!

 

[hopeful]

Hmm seems like I was in the wrong. I was rushing cause my friend said he'd be picking me up so I had to go shower. I do come off a bit insensitive and I'm working in that but I still don't understand why I need to give up my male friends. They all have spouses or girlfriends so what's the issue. He said he does not want to meet any of my male friends which I find rude.

Everyone here supports you on the not giving them up, we all said that you need to make some adjustments. But are you referring to your SO? He may soften on meeting your friends once it is clear to him that he has your heart and that you are more respectful. Right now he is still angry and hurt and I don't blame him. You owe him an apology and you two need to have a heart to heart on this issue. If he wants a girl who has no male friends he will likely have to find a much younger woman who has not been single so long and had time to develop these types of relationships. I really think he will understand better if you two talk honestly and you show more respect for your relationship.

 

[nlamr2013]

Yeah totally dropping your so's convo to go with another man is tres disrespectful. Also, ive always been taught that once youre married friendships with opposite sex should definitely be kept to group setting

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Yes I'll try to make adjustments but it will be hard cause when my friend invites me to functions SO is working he can't go. I want to go and I don't feel it's fair for me not to go just cause I'm going with a male friend. I will try though to make him happy cause yeah he seems a bit annoyed with my actions. I've been single for a while so now that I'm in a stable actually normal relationship I don't know how to act. Nervous I'm pushing him out the door.

 

[hopeful]

Yeah totally dropping your so's convo to go with another man is tres disrespectful. Also, ive always been taught that once youre married friendships with opposite sex should definitely be kept to group setting

Right! I don't know one single married woman who's like Joe is is going to church/movies/ whatever with Claire lol. Not happening. Most married men or women do not appreciate their spouses hanging out alone with friends of the opposite sex.

 

[faithVA]

Yes I'll try to make adjustments but it will be hard cause when my friend invites me to functions SO is working he can't go. I want to go and I don't feel it's fair for me not to go just cause I'm going with a male friend. I will try though to make him happy cause yeah he seems a bit annoyed with my actions. I've been single for a while so now that I'm in a stable actually normal relationship I don't know how to act. Nervous I'm pushing him out the door.

This is more about respect than keeping him happy. Respect his position, respect your relationship. If you can honestly say that if you were working and your SO invites a female friend to functions and you are cool with that then continue to do you. But you may want to find a man that has the same philosophy.

Being realistic though, you are not going to find very many people that are going to be cool with you hanging with your male friends like you hang with your female friends, especially not one on one.

 

[hopeful]

Yes I'll try to make adjustments but it will be hard cause when my friend invites me to functions SO is working he can't go. I want to go and I don't feel it's fair for me not to go just cause I'm going with a male friend. I will try though to make him happy cause yeah he seems a bit annoyed with my actions. I've been single for a while so now that I'm in a stable actually normal relationship I don't know how to act. Nervous I'm pushing him out the door.

You don't have to make any adjustments if you don't want to. I mean if you are going to feel like it's a major sacrifice and an imposition, I don't see the point. Perhaps these friends are more or equally important as a serious SO and you may have to find a guy who is willing to be equal to or play second fiddle to your male friends. I think you need to do some soul-searching.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Funny I have another close male friend that basically stopped calling after he got married. Our relationship completely changed and I used to be upset but I'm understanding you can't keep things the same once you are serious with another.

 

[Ganjababy]

I only have gay male friends and one straight former male co-worker who I don't really flaunt in his face...


He has no female friends (other than relaives) except one older lady who is with one of his friends who always call him to complain about her man...

 

[DarkJoy]

Funny I have another close male friend that basically stopped calling after he got married. Our relationship completely changed and I used to be upset but I'm understanding you can't keep things the same once you are serious with another.

Precisely.

If he hasnt begun meeting your male friends, then it's time to do so. And to really really cut back on the solo time with men-friends.

 

[ladysaraii]

You said your male friends all have wives and or girlfriends. Do they ever come out with you all or do you just hang with the guys? If it's just you all I wonder how they feel about it, ESP in the one on one situations.

I'm glad you are listening to the advice. And I think your SO is going to resist meeting your friends for as long as he thinks you're putting them above him. I can't blame him for being upset about the initial situation.

 

[gabulldawg]

Is he ok with it or does he show jealousy? I mostly have male friends and I don't hide that from my SO but he is starting to act funny every time I tell him I'm going out with one of my closest male friends. We got into an argument cause yesterday that friend called me while I was talking to SO and invited me to service so I quickly told SO I am going to service bye. When I came back he barely wanted to speak to me actually he didn't I was trying to explain that I had to go to church and he's says to me do as you please you seem very close with that guy so good luck

I'm a single woman who lives alone. My male friends have been there for me when I needed something fixed or if I blew a fuse etc. I'm not gonna drop them for SO and not even if we marry. I have been honest about my friends but now I'm thinking I should not have been so honest. Now SO finds my close male friend as a threat and he does not need to but I don't know how to convince him otherwise. He basically does not believe men and woman can just be friends. In his mind I should not be spending a lot of time with others males unless its family or him.

My questions is... Would you give up your relationship with a male friend if your SO or DH was not comfortable with the relationship?

To answer your question I would give up my relationships with male friends if my DH wasn't happy with it. I can't get down with the "I've known my male friend longer than you and he ain't going anywhere" stuff. I don't think that's very healthy for a marriage. Now for SO's that's a different story.

I don't really have any male friends right now. The only male "friends" that I have would be DH's friends. I had a great group of male friends in college, but when they got serious with their SO's and eventually got married they disappeared and I respected that. I couldn't be mad. DH had some female friends that he dropped once we got married as well. Like someone has already mentioned, it's a respect thing.

I think the way you handled the situation was TOTALLY out of line and your SO had a right to be angry.

 

[TopShelf]

i am trying to see where people are coming from when they say you were rude to hang up the phone with him to hang with a guy. shouldn't it be that you hung up the phone very rudely, no matter who it was that you were going to hang with???

i always question people wanting their significant other to "drop" people w/o any basis other than their sex. especially a SO. but i also know that i am not a suspicious or insecure person, so friends of the opposite sex have never been an issue for me. who is to say that he will not have the same issue regarding a female or a relative. do you then drop that person as well?

sounds like its all about balance and tact.

 

[MzLady78]

To answer your question I would give up my relationships with male friends if my DH wasn't happy with it. I can't get down with the "I've known my male friend longer than you and he ain't going anywhere" stuff. I don't think that's very healthy for a marriage. Now for SO's that's a different story.

I don't really have any male friends right now. The only male "friends" that I have would be DH's friends. I had a great group of male friends in college, but when they got serious with their SO's and eventually got married they disappeared and I respected that. I couldn't be mad. DH had some female friends that he dropped once we got married as well. Like someone has already mentioned, it's a respect thing.

I think the way you handled the situation was TOTALLY out of line and your SO had a right to be angry.

For me, my friends are more like family. I call all their sons my nephews. They are the only people who consistently text me on my birthday, for holidays- even if we haven't spoken in a long time. They're the ones who barged in my house ready to fight when my father slammed me up against the wall when my parents were still together. And that wanted to call the police when he almost choked me to death. Of course I know it doesn't go THAT deep for everyone, but that's why mine mean so much to me.

A dude who has a problem with them wouldn't even make it to DH status. I don't have a lot of real friends, so I value the few I do have very much.

 

[gabulldawg]

For me, my friends are more like family. I call all their sons my nephews. They are the only people who consistently text me on my birthday, for holidays- even if we haven't spoken in a long time. They're the ones who barged in my house ready to fight when my father slammed me up against the wall when my parents were still together. And that wanted to call the police when he almost choked me to death. Of course I know it doesn't go THAT deep for everyone, but that's why mine mean so much to me.

A dude who has a problem with them wouldn't even make it to DH status. I don't have a lot of real friends, so I value the few I do have very much.

Do you see how someone would think that you are putting your friends over your man, though?

I've been blessed to see a lot of successful marriages in my lifetime and one thing that is similar in all is that there are no friends of the opposite sex. If there are friends of the opposite sex then they are usually couple friends. So it's couples hanging out and not just one-on-one hangout time. There is no male friend that is always calling/texting the wife or vice versa. It definitely complicates things, especially when people start to act like their friendship is more important than their relationship. That doesn't make anyone feel good when they think they are playing second fiddle to another. But to each their own...

 

[MzLady78]

Do you see how someone would think that you are putting your friends over your man, though?

I've been blessed to see a lot of successful marriages in my lifetime and one thing that is similar in all is that there are no friends of the opposite sex. If there are friends of the opposite sex then they are usually couple friends. So it's couples hanging out and not just one-on-one hangout time. There is no male friend that is always calling/texting the wife or vice versa. It definitely complicates things, especially when people start to act like their friendship is more important than their relationship. That doesn't make anyone feel good when they think they are playing second fiddle to another. But to each their own...

Yeah, I can see it. But in my case, I'm pretty upfront about this from the jump, before it even gets to relationship level. Its never been a problem. It's not like I'm constantly out with or in contact with these dudes, it hasn't been like that since we were teens. But if someone wanted me to cut them out my life completely, just off the strength that they're guys, it wouldn't happen.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Wow this thread really put a lot in perspective for me. Now I'm wondering what the SO and wives of my friends be thinking when I call. That's so weird I never thought it was a big deal because I know neither if us are interested in one another. I guess I see where the issues would arise if I called frequently or we hung out often.

 

[hopeful]

Yeah, I can see it. But in my case, I'm pretty upfront about this from the jump, before it even gets to relationship level. Its never been a problem. It's not like I'm constantly out with or in contact with these dudes, it hasn't been like that since we were teens. But if someone wanted me to cut them out my life completely, just off the strength that they're guys, it wouldn't happen.

I completely understand your perspective. The fact that you agree that the OP was wrong in this situation is especially telling. These men have been like your brothers. I have one girlfriend who is like a blood sister to me, more so than my real sister (well she's a half-sister but still). For this one girlfriend I would hide a body, seriously. I feel like God sent her into my life. Any guy who didn't get how important these men are to you would be dense. But, even you wouldn't rush off at the last minute, abruptly, and leave an SO hanging, unless off course, there was a body to hide or some kind of emergency.

OP I am glad you are listening to us. So many people start threads like these and become defensive. I wish you all the best with dealing with this matter. If these friends are important to you, you must express that to your SO. I mean imagine if you dumped them, then this new SO disappears, then what? So yeah no one is saying to drop them. But you need to be more aware and respectful. You can't keep acting single because that may keep you single. And things will continue to change I would imagine: if you get engaged, if you get married, if you have children. It's a slow process. For instance your friends may call you late at night to chat if they are free and as a single woman that is fine. But as a married woman getting out of bed to chat in the middle of the night probably wouldn't work. I will also say that your SO's feelings may be a signal to how serious he is about you--so long as he isn't controlling. His response to your behavior is very normal IMO.

 

[Vshanell]

Hmm seems like I was in the wrong. I was rushing cause my friend said he'd be picking me up so I had to go shower. I do come off a bit insensitive and I'm working in that but I still don't understand why I need to give up my male friends. They all have spouses or girlfriends so what's the issue. He said he does not want to meet any of my male friends which I find rude.

Just curious but are you cool with him having female friends and take them out and stuff?

This is the reason I would not keep male friends cuz I'm not cool with that. Why would a man want you going out with another man? That's just weird sorry. I would really question things if he were happy and accepting of me going out with another male lol. And that's just what they are to them...another male....no matter how long you've known him or weather he's like a brother or whatever.

 

[Fine 4s]

Wow this thread really put a lot in perspective for me. Now I'm wondering what the SO and wives of my friends be thinking when I call. That's so weird I never thought it was a big deal because I know neither if us are interested in one another. I guess I see where the issues would arise if I called frequently or we hung out often.

There are steps you can take to help the friendships you want to preserve.
When you call, speak to the woman of the house, invite both of them out, keep your calls short, don't call past 9 or 10 pm and understand that his future lies with his wife, not you meaning you may fade to black at some point in time and that is OK, that's what adult relationships look like.
Like hopeful said, you sound like your thinking more about your actions and will only get better as your relationship grows. Good job!

On another note, I cannot begin to share my male friend experience with you all here on LHCF because I wouldn't hear the end of it. I need to scale back a friendship too. Let's just say it involves my friend taking too much liberty in my home and his schlong all out. How do u 'splain that Lucie? Smh