How do you let a man know that you're not feeling him?

[CarLiTa]

How do YOU let a man know that you're not feeling the feelings he seems to be feeling? That there's no spark... no chemistry... that it's just not there... that perhaps you could be friends, but romantically, it's not there for you.

How have you handled those situations?

TIA

 

[Mai Tai]

You just tell him that you are not feeling him like that and keep it moving.

 

[lea86111]

i usually start avoiding them, lol, or i tell them i like them as friends and nothing more then if they keep @ it i start avoiding them

 

[TayMac]

Agree with Mai Tai. Don't beat around the bush or lead him on. Tell him kindly but bluntly that you don't feel a spark.

 

[CarLiTa]

via text or phone??

 

[MizzBrown]

When folks/men have been blunt with you then you should automatically know how to flip it around.

Be just as blunt and if that doesnt work then ignore and block them. Block the cell, block email..hopefully you didnt tell him where you work and where you live...Had folks just show up and then what?

Had to learn that the hard way.

 

[complexsimplicity]

You could also do it in a nonchalant way. I think that's what I'm going to have to do with this guy I met a while ago. I'm just gonna say, "You know, you're like a great little brother (he's a bit younger than me)." lol. He'll know for sure that I don't see him in any sexual way and that I just want to be friends.​

 

[jouissance]

It sort of depends. If I really valued his friendship, I would tell him how I enjoyed his companionship and how I liked having him as a platonic friend, "without the baggage of romance or dating". That would sort of allow him to 'save face' and not be rejected romantically. I'd also suggest 'dutch dates' and show up looking super-casual; no makeup, no trying. If I wasn't feeling him period and didn't want any further contact I'd (1) usually insist on paying for my own dinner or coffee or whatever if we were out so they didn't feel used later on and (2) not initiate any further contact. If they called me, I'd decline the call and send an e-mail that said, 'This is a bit awkward but I really don't feel like our personalities are match for each other and I don't think getting together again is a good idea. It's just an oil-and-water thing. I hope you understand and I wish you the best.' Honesty and respectful directness are the best policy, I think.

 

[miss stress]

Well whn I was dating I got stalked alot, so after a while instead of trying to tlk it out and b friends, I would cut them off cold turkey. I'm not picking up the phone, answering any e-mails, texts ect. And he could figure out y himself

 

[makeupgirl]

I hate confrontation so I usually just fade out and let him figure it out. Is this mean? Possibly, but I don't believe in wasting time. In fact, I might be doing that soon because the guy I'm supposedly dating can't call me and only calls when he wants something, so me and dude are probably going to have to part company anyway. No hard feelings and have a good life.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Depends. One guy I cut him off cold turkey because he kept trying to move things faster than I was comfortable with even if I was interested. We were just on entirely different wavelengths.

A guy I briefly went to grad school with duped me into a date (long story) when I thought we were just friends and then starting hinting about us sleeping together and I told him flat out that wasn't happening and that was the last I heard of him.

The most recent guy who is actually my ex-roommate, kept hinting about dating me but I was so caught up in school I didn't notice. While abroad for an internship I talked to him and sent an e-mail explaining that I valued his friendship and I guess he got the hint because we're not in contact anymore.

 

[lovelexi]

Depends on the guy and how much time I invested, how much I cared about him etc. If some guy I just met starts acting all crazy then I just cut him off. Hopefully he gets the message. Sounds bad but it has worked in the past. But if its a diff situation then the man deserves a clear concise explanation.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

I think you should tell him directly, no one like to hurt other's feelings, but I think adults should be mature enough to handle it accordingly.

You never know, he might have thought the date went well and will be wondering what happerned?

Have you ever been there? Has a guy ever did that you? It's not a nice feeling.

It has happened to me before and I wish the person would have been upfront with me.

 

[CarLiTa]

this guy doesn't get it... He's Nigerian

 

[Godyssey]

Haven't had to do this in years so my responses my come off as juvenile. But things I've personally done;

Stop calling and avoid phone calls from that person.
Avoid any encounters with that person.
Tell him you only want to be friends.
Change your phone number.
Say you are already seeing someone.
Say you're a lesbian.

 

[GraceV]

He's Nigerian?

Tell him nicely but firmly that you're not that into him (be very clear that you are not proving "hard to get" as my brothers tend to see any form of resistance as such). Then follow up by cutting off all forms of communication. If you keep taking his calls etc then he will definitely think you're playing hard to get and he'll double up his efforts.

God bless Naija men but sometimes they just don't "get it" the first time you say it... like a sister must be out of her mind for not wanting the him a.k.a God's gift to womanhood *in his mind* LOL.

 

[natural2008]

You just tell him that you are not feeling him like that and keep it moving.

I concur with Mai Tai.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

I've never dated a Nigerian man....LOL

Why doesn't he get it?

 

[kmn1980]

You say:

"I'm not feeling the feelings you seem to be feeling."

 

[libertysince05]

this guy doesn't get it... He's Nigerian

lol. you made me laugh so much...
yeah if you tried saying it kindly just be blunt next time, and avoid situations in which you're alone.
if he calls or texts keep it and any other form of communication short and to the point.

 

[CarLiTa]

So... I told him... via phone, and it was the longest conversation we had had to date...

To summarize: he did not get it.
He was beating himself up for having "messed it up" by speaking too soon (had somewhat jokingly said over the phone that he is waiting for the right time to wife me up...)
I painstakingly explained that he didn't mess up... I just don't feel any "romantic sparks"... did not want to use "physical chemistry" as I thought that might hurt a man's ego He says he wishes he hadn't held back and been more aggressive. I was like NO! no, i do not recommend that (he was asking for a "second, albeit shorter chance" so that I could let the sparks build up.

Basically, he felt that I would have eventually seen sparks... that if he'd been more aggressive (which I do not like) then I would have seen sparks... etc. But the true reason for lack of sparks is that our conversations are boring. A friend of mine who watched us interact said "girl, you looked bored out of your mind. and he looks stupefied by you"... sigh.

Somehow during the conversation I made the mention of dating other people... He was indignant: "You were dating other guys!?" I was like "oh... you weren't dating anyone else? I just assumed you were... since guys do that and all" This is my first time dating multiple people, so I'm not even sure how to handle those conversations He said that that explains it- I couldn't see the value in him because I was... "distracted," as he put it.

Well, most of the conversation, he sounded as though he were a boyfriend who had messed up and wanted a second chance to do right by me... "to make me the happiest girl on earth, which is my (his) goal..." We only had 2 dates... so uh, goals of making me happy were not expected

He said re: other guy(s), that I should tell him who so he can go kick their butts (luckily as a joke).

Then he said:
"the other guys are just gold's dust, and I am true gold. If you'd given me a chance, you would see that. I might be wrapped in a dusty cover, but I am the real deal underneath."... sweet. He's nice, we're remaining friends, but I think if/when we hang out, he might want to double his efforts (lamented that he didn't set up creative enough dates for us)... who knows? I re- and re-stated that we will just be friends. Next day, he was asking for a chance again, and eventually it seems he'd gotten the point.

 

[chocolat79]

I think you should tell him directly, no one like to hurt other's feelings, but I think adults should be mature enough to handle it accordingly.

You never know, he might have thought the date went well and will be wondering what happerned?

Have you ever been there? Has a guy ever did that you? It's not a nice feeling.

It has happened to me before and I wish the person would have been upfront with me.

Agreed. I've hated when guys did that to me, especially if I thought things were going well.

I usually try to nip this in the bud early and be straight forward.

Ex. I KNEW this guy I was dating wasn't for me. I wasn't attracted to him physically OR intellectually, so it was no point in leading him on. We were supposed to meet in my area one day because he said he was working there and it so happened that he ended up going home early or something. Well, he called me and told me what happened, so I was like, "just don't worry about it, we can do it another time, it's really far for you, yada, yada". Well, he said he was already on his way. This man drove like 1.5 hours or so to COME BACK to see me and that's when gas prices were SKY HIGH. So, after the date (that I didn't want to go on), I tried once more and met him closer to his side. No chemistry AT ALL. So, I text him that I didn't feel any chemistry between us. He thanked me for letting him know and that was that. I felt it wasn't right to lead him on AND especially with that drive/money and he obviously was feeling me, so I couldn't do that to him.

I felt better for telling him up front, rather than ignoring him. And he could move on too.

BTW, I don't suggest to them being friends. When it has been done to me, it comes off as patronizing like a 2nd place winner getting a consolation prize. Nah, I'm good, LOL.

 

[caribeandiva]

I cut off all communications with him. I don't return his calls. If i run into him in person then i tell him the truth. Otherwise I avoid him.

 

[Shimmie]

How do YOU let a man know that you're not feeling the feelings he seems to be feeling? That there's no spark... no chemistry... that it's just not there... that perhaps you could be friends, but romantically, it's not there for you.

How have you handled those situations?

TIA

I wish you the best with this, as it is never, ever an easy place to be. I can see that you simply care too much to hurt him, however, it's just not there, and to be honest, this is life. We meet people and as we get to know them, we discover where we are with them.

The problem is that the worse thing anyone can do is to waste time letting him know. So, as hard as it is for you, just tell him; he'll appreciate not being mislead. And this is not to say that you are misleading him (intently ).

However, what I am saying is that the longer you put it off, the longer he's going to feel that he has something or the hope of something more with you, and that 'something' is just not there... with you. :Rose:

So, tell him. Just let him know that he's a wonderful person to have as a dear friend in your life. Apologize for anything which you 'may' have done to mislead him, let him know that it was very hard for you to tell him, but you care too much to keep him from having someone else who's the one for him.

The longer you wait, the longer you are also holding yourself back from your journey to meeting the one man who IS for you. You want to be with your 'real' sweetheart, guilt free. :Rose:

Wishing you the best with this and wishing the best for your friend. He'll be okay and so will you.

 

[Shimmie]

So... I told him... via phone, and it was the longest conversation we had had to date...

To summarize: he did not get it.
He was beating himself up for having "messed it up" by speaking too soon (had somewhat jokingly said over the phone that he is waiting for the right time to wife me up...)
I painstakingly explained that he didn't mess up... I just don't feel any "romantic sparks"... did not want to use "physical chemistry" as I thought that might hurt a man's ego He says he wishes he hadn't held back and been more aggressive. I was like NO! no, i do not recommend that (he was asking for a "second, albeit shorter chance" so that I could let the sparks build up.

Basically, he felt that I would have eventually seen sparks... that if he'd been more aggressive (which I do not like) then I would have seen sparks... etc. But the true reason for lack of sparks is that our conversations are boring. A friend of mine who watched us interact said "girl, you looked bored out of your mind. and he looks stupefied by you"... sigh.

Somehow during the conversation I made the mention of dating other people... He was indignant: "You were dating other guys!?" I was like "oh... you weren't dating anyone else? I just assumed you were... since guys do that and all" This is my first time dating multiple people, so I'm not even sure how to handle those conversations He said that that explains it- I couldn't see the value in him because I was... "distracted," as he put it.

Well, most of the conversation, he sounded as though he were a boyfriend who had messed up and wanted a second chance to do right by me... "to make me the happiest girl on earth, which is my (his) goal..." We only had 2 dates... so uh, goals of making me happy were not expected

He said re: other guy(s), that I should tell him who so he can go kick their butts (luckily as a joke).

Then he said:
"the other guys are just gold's dust, and I am true gold. If you'd given me a chance, you would see that. I might be wrapped in a dusty cover, but I am the real deal underneath."... sweet. He's nice, we're remaining friends, but I think if/when we hang out, he might want to double his efforts (lamented that he didn't set up creative enough dates for us)... who knows? I re- and re-stated that we will just be friends. Next day, he was asking for a chance again, and eventually it seems he'd gotten the point.

Just read this follow up post of yours....

Okay, so now there's a little 'drama' going on with him.

Well... you've done your part. He has to let go. Do not respond to any of his attempts to contact or communicate with you. Also, stay in prayer, and allow God to show you the distance measures which will be most effective for you in this situation.

You've done your part, now it's time for him to get the message which is your 'silence' and moving on. :Rose: