How do you get over...

[Kinkyhairlady]

A past love? In my case it's someone I used to communicate with who was in another country and I never ended up going to meet him. He ended getting married 2 years ago and came to the states about 9 months ago. Well he contacted me even if we basically have had no communication for 2 years and wanted to meet me face to face. I know he's married and I should have declined but part of me wanted closure because I've been hurt by all that he did and I wanted to see what was I really missing out on. Well I went and we laid everything out on the table. He pretty put the blame on me saying that I did not make the effort to travel for several years we kept talking but no actions were being made. He then went on to say I could of had a good husband but I let fear stop me from coming to meet him.

I went home still sadden and right now I feel so upset with myself and decisions in life. Meeting with him did help because I wanted for us to hash things out but a part of me has major regrets not traveling to meet him. I can tell I would have fallen for him had I given it a chance. It seems these past few years he's been keeping track of how I've been and me I've just be heartbroken that he got married. I am seeing someone now that I don't even feel measures up but I don't know yet. I need to let go but I keep blaming myself

Fear sometimes makes us lose out on opportunities in life. I'm still working on not letting fear control me.

 

[firecracker]

Girl stop blaming yourself for nothing. You really don't know if he is a good man because you guys never got to spend quality time face to face. Anywayz if he wanted to see you he could have been come to meet you or paid for you an all expense trip to that country. A good man wouldn't be married and coming to see another chick w/o his wife with him.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Girl stop blaming yourself for nothing. You really don't know if he is a good man because you guys never got to spend quality time face to face. Anywayz if he wanted to see you he could have been come to meet you or paid for you an all expense trip to that country. A good man wouldn't be married and coming to see another chick w/o his wife with him.

I feel it might have been a financial issue for him so I never asked. I was simply scared to go to a 3rd world country alone and when I planned to meet him I guess he had moved on but I did not know he was just acting distant. Throughout the whole night he could not even look at me. Looked at the menu for like 15 minutes until I took it and looked at the ceiling everywhere but me. It was so weird. It was just really insane because I prayed for years to be able to meet him but not under the circumstances we met.

I think he was curious as well to see me but not for anything else. He even gave me advice on the guy I'm seeing so I would not say he was being sneaky meeting up with me. His family knows he went out with me so I assume the wife who's in another state knows he went out with a friend as well. I think we both needed closure but me I'm just an emotional reck.

 

[firecracker]

I'm truly sorry your emotions are all twisted up. Don't let that if I woulda coulda shoulda moment taking up too much room or time in your brain. Find something to distract you and try to stay busy til this passes. If it was a financial issue for him that was on him. Also you shouldn't have had to ask him anyway and you were right not to go to a third world country alone to meet a guy. Does he live in the States now?

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I'm truly sorry your emotions are all twisted up. Don't let that if I woulda coulda shoulda moment taking up too much room or time in your brain. Find something to distract you and try to stay busy til this passes. If it was a financial issue for him that was on him. Also you shouldn't have had to ask him anyway and you were right not to go to a third world country alone to meet a guy. Does he live in the States now?

Yes I'm trying to not focus on it even trying to focus on the guy I'm seeing but it's hard. He came into the states about 9 months ago. Back then I really wanted to make things work but I was afraid of being used and manipulated. Meeting him he comes off as a guy who would not hurt a fly. Complete opposite of what I envisioned. Very shy and quiet at times.

I prayed so much for a husband around that time and I had someone under my nose that I could have made more of an effort to go see couple times a year but I was letting fear and people here in the states advise me otherwise. I admitted to him I had regrets. He said coming to the states and talking to folks he understands now how I felt.

 

[Bklynqueen]

OP, I agree with Firecracker, don't allow your emotions to get twisted up in this. This "good husband", could have made the same effort to see you, dont assume that he didn't have any money, he has money to afford a wife. The fact that he laid blame on you and absolved himself of responsibility shows that he makes a poor partner. Men are hunters, if he wanted to see you, he would have found a way. I'm not going to say that he didn't have feelings for you because he went out of his way to keep tabs on you and track you down. His lack of eye contact to you betrayed his real emotions: remorse, guilt and cowardice. My DD's father acts the same exact way towards me even though we broke up over 2 years ago & he moved on with someone else- still can't look me in the eye or barely speak. This man giving you advice on the new guy is just a way to get closer to you and leave the door open, don't fall for it

 

[Just11412]

first of all it is horrible that he would put it all on you and just blame you for everything. that conversation right there should let you know this man was not the one. a person who was "good" would not do something like that to another that was looking for closure and understanding.

you got your closure (which many people do not). and now is the time to start taking care of you and healing so that you can move on. like the others said don't waste your time thinking about the "what if's". now is the time to create your possibilities. the best advice one of my exes mom's gave me was "don't be a dweller, honey". don't dwell on the "what if's". that is too much time being wasted that could be used toward the present.

 

[niaelyse]

Cut all communication with him and focus on your current relationship. You can't beat yourself up over the unknown. You really don't know if he would have been a good husband for you or not.

Leave the past in the past.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Just lost my response.

If you are a religious person you need to trust God. Instead of mourning not being with this man you need to do a happy dance for the bullet you dodged.

Between this and your other posts you seem to think its your fault that you're not married and keep making excuses for the shortcomings of the gentleman callers in your life. I believe you need to 1) focus on whatever you need to work on to be the wife you want to be and 2) learn how to date from the criteria you've set for yourself on what you want in a husband.

You deserve to be treated well. A man that has(d) financial issues yet puts the onus on you for not coming to visit in another country is no prize.

I don't care if his family knew about your meeting you would not be ok with your husband meeting up with a woman he had a romantic relationship with so cut off any ideas of maintaining a "friendship" with him now that he's here. He is in NO position to offer any suggestions nor should he be involved in any of your business.

I'll add more later just trust that YOU are the prize. Marriage is hard enough so don't be in such a rush that you skip steps just to be a wife.