How do you collect your data?

Fine 4s

Fine 4s

Well-Known Member
Any ideas on the best way to get information about who your potential mate is, his character, his values etc. How do you assess the areas that are important to you without wasting much time? Do you:

Meet his family?
Meet his friends?
Ask direct questions?
Ask for documentation to support claims of [fill in blank]
Let the relationship unfold naturally at its own pace?
Believe his words, actions or both?
etc.

Any tips....?
 
*puts hands on chin and waits*

The rare times it happens I ask point blank. I'm so nosy. I had a guy friend get to know a dude once and he reported back to me what was going on. And once the dude started opening up I compared it to what my friend told me to see if he was lying.
 
I more or less use my intuition and common sense.

I googled a guy I went on a date once but nothing came up :look: lol. Well except for his research.
 
Connect with people who know him or know of him and ask them. You can get an idea of his general character. His close friends won't tell you the real and might tell him that you've been asking. I also try to learn about his friends. Anything that his close friends do he will participate in at least sometimes no matter if he says otherwise. In my experience if he acts really shady if you ask general questions about his friends that's a mini red flag too that the friend is a bad influence on him.

I also liked to think of the men in my life that have the values that I'm looking for, and connect it to small habits that they have or trivial things that they do. Like my friends who are true gentlemen always offer to walk women to their care when it is dark out. So it means something to me if a guy doesn't walk me to my car after a late movie/ dinner before going to his car. It's a clue to me that his gentleman persona might be mostly a front.
 
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Intuition and let the relationship unfold however I have used outside research.

This guy told me something that did not sound right to me so I had to research on when exactly US sent troops to a certain country. The guy was in the military at the time. I wrote out a timeline of his story with actual dates and presented it to him. I told him that what he said could not have happened in that time frame. He was livid and his story changed, but I learned he was a liar that used pieces of the truth.
 
evil snoop methods that probably do not bring more love and joy into the world should probably not be shared :lol:
 
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CaraWalker girl I hate you lol. I was trying to be good! Now I'm gonna be snooping for the rest of the night.

ETA: NOOO! Why you wanna do that to me Gina?! You're probably right though. Posters are dang elephants.
 
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Ladies I'm not ONLY talking about snooping but also how you learn if someone is worth investing your heart. For some, it might be that he's ready for marriage even before finding you etc.
 
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You can never really know that ahead of time...My soon to be husband was a "whore" before we started dating I was "warned" by everyone. He is not the marrying type he has so many girls...yadda yadda yadda...I can't go by other people's past experiences. Only what he shows me... And he proposed and 2 years to the day that he asked me to be his girlfriend we will be married. Be patient and go by what he shows you. Trust He WILL show you if it's worth your time they always do. You just have to acknowledge what you're being shown and decipher between what you "feel". Sometimes they don't agree.
 
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Fine 4s said:
Ladies I'm not ONLY talk about snooping but also how you Lear that someone is worth your investing your heart. For some, it might be that he's also ready for marriage idk.
Click to expand...

these types of things i would not advise another woman or somebody else's relationship on how to go about dealing with. women have to learn to look for signs of things that are important to them and listen to their intuition when something isnt right.

i want to be loved in a certain kind of way, and i look for signs of that, or signs of it lacking, in potential partners.
 
Fine 4s said:
Ladies I'm not ONLY talk about snooping but also how you Lear that someone is worth your investing your heart. For some, it might be that he's also ready for marriage idk.
Click to expand...

LOL I know I was just having a bit of fun. Sometimes snooping does help with whether to invest your heart.

As far as any of that goes however I am HORRIBLE at it. When I got the vibes we were just hanging out dude was talking about he loved me and wanted to get married. When I get the vibes that we really connect he just want to have sex.

But then again y'all know I'm horrible at reading men so that makes sense :lol: I'll be popping back into this thread.
 
CaraWalker said:
these types of things i would not advise another woman or somebody else's relationship on how to go about dealing with. women have to learn to look for signs of things that are important to them and listen to their intuition when something isnt right.

i want to be loved in a certain kind of way, and i look for signs of that, or signs of it lacking, in potential partners.
Click to expand...

How do you find your answers besides intuition?
 
It's pretty hard to tell another woman what she should do to strengthen her ability to discern because everyone has different standards, BUT I will say that what helped me when I was dating was I let the man do most of the talking and I listened to what he did and did NOT say.

I let him freely talk about his family, childhood, friends, social activities, past relationships, etc and I never...I mean NEVER gave a straight answer to the question "So...What do you look for in a man/relationship"
 
Mai Tai said:
It's pretty hard to tell another woman what she should do to strengthen her ability to discern because everyone has different standards, BUT I will say that what helped me when I was dating was I let the man do most of the talking and I listened to what he did and did NOT say.

I let him freely talk about his family, childhood, friends, social activities, past relationships, etc and I never...I mean NEVER gave a straight answer to the question "So...What do you look for in a man/relationship"
Click to expand...
Exactly.

Men usually reveal so much more than they wanted if you let them talk. Their opinions about relationships, family, marriage, even their "jokes" tell you a lot about who they are. I usually deflect questions or give lighthearted answers, but then turn the questions back on them and follow up with other questions so they end up doing most of the talking. The trick is to not react. I nod and smile and no matter how crazy the answers are (and I've heard some crazy stuff), I just take it all in stride and make mental notes. A lot of women go out with the intention of impressing the man so they get nervous and start blurting out all kinds of information that'll come back to haunt them later. I look at the first few dates are fact finding missions.

Also watch how they deal with mini crises and handle frustration (e.g., traffic, waiting in lines, dealing with servers or any service staff, etc.). Good manners are very important to me, so I'm very observant about how my dates deal with people. Someone else might not care as much.

And yes, always dodge the "What are you looking for?" question. It's the lazy man's blueprint.
 
Mai Tai said:
It's pretty hard to tell another woman what she should do to strengthen her ability to discern because everyone has different standards, BUT I will say that what helped me when I was dating was I let the man do most of the talking and I listened to what he did and did NOT say.

I let him freely talk about his family, childhood, friends, social activities, past relationships, etc and I never...I mean NEVER gave a straight answer to the question "So...What do you look for in a man/relationship"
Click to expand...

^^ THIS!

One thing once you know what YOU want stop over analyzing everything. Stop convening with your friends and family members who may not hold the same standards you want. Have a question ASK HIM.

Trust what he shows you by his actions especially if they are in conflict with his words.

Stop declaring a man "the one" and then hold on for dear life as he loses his privileges. Instead let a man earn that title after he has proven with his deeds and words that he is worth your time.
 
Fine 4s said:
How do you find your answers besides intuition?
Click to expand...

idk. its hard to answer this question. partly because i dont know the context in which you are personally coming from so i dont know what sort of perspective would be useful to you. (i.e. whatever you are specifically concerned about)

i think i am probably intuition first, and "answers" second. i dont need answers unless the intuition bell is ringing first, right?

my screening works sort of like this - the biggest vibe is the initial one in whether or not i am interested in possibly being courted by this person. some guys in the early stages i get vibes that i dont like and can see concerns in the future and decide its not worth moving forward with. once i was asked out by a (white) police officer and was immediately like :look: I DO NOT SEE THIS BEING A POSITIVE THING. that was a vibe based on nothing personal, you see?

another time i met a guy who was expensively dressed and strikingly handsome. but when we talked i felt like he was a strange one. he had a strange southern accent (idk why im weird about accents) and he talked about some work he had done in a foreign country that just rubbed me the wrong way for no particular reason. i just had a vibe like he had that potential to be a controlling, abusive man, and would not have been able to pinpoint exactly what gave me that impression.

so its like, at what stage are you concerned about having these questions? i usually am concerned about them right off the bat, before i'm interested in learning more about them and going out with them more. for the most part, i am looking for vibes concerning issues that may be harmful to me, physically and mentally. i dont need to "collect data" on things like you like tennis and i like basketball, you know, little incompatibility issues. so i guess my question for you is in what sense are you looking to find out more?
 
Mai Tai said:
It's pretty hard to tell another woman what she should do to strengthen her ability to discern because everyone has different standards, BUT I will say that what helped me when I was dating was I let the man do most of the talking and I listened to what he did and did NOT say. I let him freely talk about his family, childhood, friends, social activities, past relationships, etc and I never...I mean NEVER gave a straight answer to the question "So...What do you look for in a man/relationship"
Click to expand...

I remember this advice from the book How to Marry the Man of Your Choice. I think she calls it her interviewing technique.
 
I don't understand the clarification on context that you are looking for. But, there is no specific stage I was focusing on. As a poster mentioned below, I'm interested in how some of you might go about "interviewing" your potential.
So for you its intuition based which is smart. In often concerned that my intuition is really "wishful thinking" in disguise.
My gf whom I find is a good data collector asks specific questions she feels will give you insight into who he is. I need to get her list from her :)
Some questions won't be as important to me but over all I'm sure she has some relevant to most folks.
 
Fine 4s said:
I don't understand the clarification on context that you are looking for. But, there is no specific stage I was focusing on. As a poster mentioned below, I'm interested in how some of you might go about "interviewing" your potential.
So for you its intuition based which is smart. In often concerned that my intuition is really "wishful thinking" in disguise.
My gf whom I find is a good data collector asks specific questions she feels will give you insight into who he is. I need to get her list from her :)
Some questions won't be as important to me but over all I'm sure she has some relevant to most folks.
Click to expand...

I'm not sure I quite understand your post, but it sounds like you don't trust yourself to vet a men properly. Your friend's list of questions may be helpful but again you need to decide what it is you hold valuable in relationships and find a man who's values align with yours.
 
i agree on both points. i guess if what youre asking is how do i get the information i need, its just intuition and observing. i would never ask questions or rely on questions. people lie. and asking questions is the easiest way to telegraph that you will consent to being lied to.

sorry love. there isnt really a strategy here. youve just got to learn to listen and observe and draw proper conclusions.
 
I'm asking for discussion purposes and perhaps I'm not as clear as I should be. I find it interesting how people go about making decisions so any tips I can learn from others is great. A poster above gave some food for thought. So while you are right, I still believe that someone might have an interesting approach that I've never considered.
For my guy, I think the people I hang with factors in.
In the end Cara, you might be right...
 
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Mai Tai said:
It's pretty hard to tell another woman what she should do to strengthen her ability to discern because everyone has different standards, BUT I will say that what helped me when I was dating was I let the man do most of the talking and I listened to what he did and did NOT say.

I let him freely talk about his family, childhood, friends, social activities, past relationships, etc and I never...I mean NEVER gave a straight answer to the question "So...What do you look for in a man/relationship"
Click to expand...
THIS. Coupled with seeing if his mouth and actions align. :yep:
Also I agree with @Bk_Bombshell too in reference to how he treats others. Is he opening the door for you but slamming it in the lady's face behind you? Well that shows me he's just on his best behavior with me and not a gentlemen. That kind of thing matters to me (and may not to some but to me it's important to treat people right).

I have to emphasize that gut instinct is paramount too. I know most people have a natural repellent and ignore it with some people only to kick themselves later. Some things can't be analyzed...it's instinctual. Animals do it too...they know when to run. If your instinct tells you something is off...it probably is. Waiting to see what it is...may be to your detriment when you could've listened from the beginning and hauled butt.
 
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Fine 4s said:
I don't understand the clarification on context that you are looking for. But, there is no specific stage I was focusing on. As a poster mentioned below, I'm interested in how some of you might go about "interviewing" your potential.
So for you its intuition based which is smart. In often concerned that my intuition is really "wishful thinking" in disguise.
My gf whom I find is a good data collector asks specific questions she feels will give you insight into who he is. I need to get her list from her :)
Some questions won't be as important to me but over all I'm sure she has some relevant to most folks.
Click to expand...

You can't set or discuss criteria if you are not clear on what it is that YOU want.

Are you dating for fun? Are you courting for a potential husband? Are you interviewing for "right now" bed buddies?

There are no universal questions that will get the answers that you need. What is urgent or important to a 25 year old won't be the same for a 35 year old.

I'll just give one example.

I whole heartedly turn my younger girl cousins (under 25) from dating any man with kids. This is the time they should be establishing themselves, traveling and having fun not rushing to play house with boys that didn't know how to use a condom. Not an issue with any of the young men in my family.

Friends that are over 30 I would suggest a different set of questions to ask.

1. Do you have any children. If so how many? more than one proceed with caution

a) If more than one is he divorced/widowed or just having kids with many mothers?

a1) Divorced/widowed with one person continue with caution.

b) Multiple mothers with a line of excuses over women that have wronged him move on.

2) Do YOU want children now or in the future? What is his financial situation? Can you afford to have more with him or does he need your income to make ends meet with the obligations he's bringing to the table?
Whatever the answer is for you either proceed or move on.

Now you have some people that will come out with stories about how if Maria thought like that then she would have never married Captain Von Trapp and escaped from the Natzi's. Maria knew she was cool with being a Step Mother and that the Captain had the means to provide for her. If you know that you have no interest in being step mom then you can stop any conversations with said dude and move on to the next.

As one gets older it will be hard to find men with no children but they are out there. You need to be clear on what YOU want and realistic with what the situation is. Just because you're ok with a man that has a kid doesn't mean its ok to date him. A man that had a kid at 18 that is now 40 may not want anymore. If you know that you do don't waste time with him or have an "oops" hoping to change his mind. If you're unsure then be clear with that - don't get with him then be mad when you're 40 and now want to try and he says I still don't want anymore.

This is just one example of many things that are personal and can not be quantified by someone else.

If you are in a high paying field are you ok with not being "traditional" when dating someone that is making significantly less than you?

Are you a (insert religion) socially or out of obligation or are you a practicing (insert religion)? Are you open to a relationship with different religious beliefs? If you know the answer is no for you then why waste time and energy with someone that has told you from the beginning that his beliefs are not in alignment.

You don't need to date or meander with someone for 6 of your good egg years to know that old boy from the beginning does not meet your standards. Too many times women substitute facts for their feelings or intuition which is just a false belief that "in time he'll become what I want". They are scared to ask for what they want so they settle for the dude they are currently sleeping with hoping that their love will encourage him.

There's a difference between having an unrealistic list of requirements and knowing what character traits you want out of a mate. You don't just fall into a relationship. The conversation here should not be what general questions to look for. The question is what do YOU want and are you confident enough in yourself to believe that you deserve it? You can get the answers you want to hear in order to stay where you are or the ones you need to hear so that you can proceed as necessary. Again only you can know what that is. Once you are sure of what your end game is then you can focus on what data is needed.

edited to add: Its also likely that something you thought was important may change if the right person comes around that is strong in an area you didn't even realize was important to you. One should not be rigid but since too many are dating with no criteria its important to emphasize that you are not obligated to say yes to every and any dude that shows interest.
 
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Ask questions (and listen closely for what he says, or does not say:look:)
Watch him (and trust your intuition if something does not seem right:yep:)
Google:look:
 
Ask the same questions 13 different ways at different places and different times....they will always trip themselves up.
 
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