How do you behave when you're upset with your SO?

[Fine 4s]

I get distant, don't kiss, hug, hardly want to speak to him, super delayed text messages...I just go dead.

My male friends tell me this is not a good way to be. He tells me that from what he hears from his boyz, men want to know that in spite of the tough times, they will still be loved, still be desired and that the two emotions can co-exist. Although they don't want to date their mothers, they want that motherly unconditional love security. Just like momz would be upset that you broke her favorite dish but still ask what you want to eat. Does his opinion make sense to you? Have you observed the same?

Another example came from a gf of mine. She told me how she had been caught flirting with another guy over the phone. After she got off the phone her bf questioned who it was on the phone and told her very calmy how he felt about the interaction. Meanwhile they had plans to go away that weekend to some romantic location/hotel. She was so nervous that he'd cancel the plans. Do you know that after that man spoke his peace, he packed the car and they went off to have a lovely weekend. THAT would NOT be me. She would have had to go home with all that flirty flirty mess. LOL

This is very difficult for me. How do you ladies get upset? Or does the behavior match WHAT you're upset about?

 

[runwaydream]

I go quiet. Depending how mad I am, I may or may not allow any physical contact. Either way, I won't be initiating it or participating. Once things are resolved, I slowly go back to the normal me. It has nothing to do with not loving him. I just am how I am. If im angry or hurt or upset, I have a right to those feelings. I'm not his mother, the way I show my love isn't going to be the same.

 

[Fine 4s]

I hear you loud and clear, I'm the same way. But is it the best way to be? I don't want to do long term damage because I'm temporarily upset you know...

 

[jamaicasmodona]

Well, it depends on what I'm upset about.
I don't like him to think that I will be miserable if we have an argument. I just pretty much go about my business as if he doesn't exist. I want him to know that whether or not we are on speaking terms, my life goes on. I don't want him to think his bs takes energy out of my life..

I'll go out with freinds, go to the spa, just chill. I also won't speak to him while I'm chilling with me, myself and I.

 

[LivingInPeace]

When I'm upset with him, I get quiet and try to take some time to process what I'm upset about and then I tell him what's wrong. I don't do the silent treatment.

 

[emilymichelle]

b*tchy, passive aggressive silent treatment

 

[tinkat]

I get quiet and distant. SO doesn't let that fly he automatically starts hugging and kissing me until I start talking. I think men like it when we get mad. It's irritating! But I don't agree with that unconditional motherly love thing smh! That is why so many woman love tank is on E. That goes back to that post that hopeful made about black men being raised to think that woman are suppose to be accommodating and giving their all. Then the woman is giving giving giving tell she can't give no more. But I would still be there for my SO even when he makes me mad but that motherly unconditional love no.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[Mai Tai]

When I'm upset, my first reaction (now) is to always try to calmly tell my FH exactly why I am angry.

50% of the time, he listens, we talk, work it out and move on with normal business.

Now for that other 50% of the time that my FH tries to act like his ish don't stink, and that GOD broke the mold when he made him and that he could NEVER do anything wrong...I quickly yet effectively tell him about himself, get quiet and move on with MY day like he's not sitting there for a good 30 min. Usually after that he comes to me to talk things out or I revisit my issue with him, we talk it out and move on.

The longest I've ever been mad at him is for like 2 days and that was after a HUGE argument.

When we were younger, I held on to my anger a lot longer, screamed, cursed, threw things, you know, all of the dramatics, but now that I am older, I don't have the time or the desire to walk around the house like the Wicked B!tch of the West every time I'm mad at him.

Also, the more mature me realizes that I have an overall good, faithful, caring and honest dude on my hands so even during times of anger, he still deserves to be respected as a man and as my future husband.

 

[TayMac]

It depends. If it is mild, I just express it..wait for the apology and move on.

I get more upset when he acts like scooby dooby dumb like he doesn't get why I'm mad or aggravated. I usually go off then I'm distant and quiet for the rest of day.

 

[RoseTintedCheeks]

I used to be a notorious ignorer until SO finally told me, "So the smartest way of dealing with an issue is to ignore me?" At first, I felt he was being condescending then I became grateful. That was a wake up call for me. Now, I wait until I'm calm then address the issue with him. I learned to be careful in how I word what I say to avoid escalating the fight. I tell him his specific behavior is what made me unhappy not that HE makes me unhappy.

 

[JustifiablyMe]

Well, it depends on what I'm upset about. I don't like him to think that I will be miserable if we have an argument. I just pretty much go about my business as if he doesn't exist. I want him to know that whether or not we are on speaking terms, my life goes on. I don't want him to think his bs takes energy out of my life..

I'll go out with freinds, go to the spa, just chill. I also won't speak to him while I'm chilling with me, myself and I.

I love this. I think it also touches on the concept of doing the opposite of what's expected.

I recently tried this. Although my first reaction was to give him the cold shoulder, I purposely acted chipper like his bs didn't effect me and it threw him for a loop.

 

[ladysaraii]

My first action is to withdraw/get silent. and personally, I usually need that time to reflect, think, cool down, etc. I won't typically go completely silent, like if he asked a question I won't out right ignore him, but I'm not really talking or trying to be around them.
My big issue is learning how to move on and hash out the issue. I have a tendency to withdraw and then just go on with life, but the issue doesn't always get resolved, especially since I'm not a screamer cus syou out type of person.

I get quiet and distant. SO doesn't let that fly he automatically starts hugging and kissing me until I start talking. I think men like it when we get mad. It's irritating! But I don't agree with that unconditional motherly love thing smh! That is why so many woman love tank is on E. That goes back to that post that @hopeful made about black men being raised to think that woman are suppose to be accommodating and giving their all. Then the woman is giving giving giving tell she can't give no more. But I would still be there for my SO even when he makes me mad but that motherly unconditional love no.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

Excellent point.

I remember one of my friends telling me that she doesn't do the silent treatment b/c it would confuse her husband. She said that if he did something to piss her off, and then 5 minutes later talked to her about something and she was still mad, he wouldn't understand.

I had to a little b/c my thought was, he would know good and well why you were mad' While I realize in a relationship you shouldn't hold on to things unneccessarily, people should have space to mull things over/recover in their own time.

 

[jamaicasmodona]

I love this. I think it also touches on the concept of doing the opposite of what's expected.

I recently tried this. Although my first reaction was to give him the cold shoulder, I purposely acted chipper like his bs didn't effect me and it threw him for a loop.

Exactly.. In the past I would mope around and look all sad like it was the end of the world and think everything was my fault. I wasn't really good with communication. Speaking with my mom one day, she reveiled to me that she did the opposite with my step dad and he got scared that she may leave and he started to, in her words, "act right".

Hubby and I don't argue often, so I am careful about when and how I use that particular type of "reverse psycology", but when I have had to use it, Hubby is all over me as if nothing happened.. Then we make up and everything is fine..

 

[ms.mimi]

I go quiet. When we 1st got together that would really worry him. He thought my feelings had changed. I just came out and told him that loved him but I was mad at him and when I'm mad I like to distract myself until I can think about the situation rationally and calmly. I assured him he didn't want to deal with a mad black woman. After that little talk he gives me my space but checks on me and always apologizes for his part.

 

[softblackcotton]

I go quiet. When we 1st got together that would really worry him. He thought my feelings had changed. I just came out and told him that loved him but I was mad at him and when I'm mad I like to distract myself until I can think about the situation rationally and calmly. I assured him he didn't want to deal with a mad black woman. After that little talk he gives me my space but checks on me and always apologizes for his part.

Being quiet and appearing calm while you rationalize and think clearly about the situation that angers you is in my opinion the best way to handle conflict even the Bible says so

Proverbs 12:16 NLT
A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.

Proverbs 29:11 NLT
Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.

As I've gotten older I've observed how my mom interacts with my dad in their 31 years of marriage. My mom is always calm and cool. It's really hard to know when she is upset. She doesn't rage and rant about. She calmly and coolly explains what is upsetting her.

 

[BonBon]

The way I always approached being upset was the same for SO, family and friends. I used to withdraw, go silent and in some cases cut people off for most of my life. I consider it a bad habit learned in childhood and quite an immature/child way of dealing with conflicts.

Only realized how damaging and hurtful this behavior must have been to many people throughout my life kind of recently.

Been practicing other ways of dealing with people and SO instead of withdrawing without explanation for the past 2 months and it's going well.

Personally, I think I found it hard to deal with conflict so would rather ignore to avoid that but use the silence to display my anger -_-. I can see now from the other side of the fence, being ignored is extremely damaging. Nowadays I'm learning how to communicate upset feelings better, including if I need some space for a bit.

 

[MrsMe]

The way I always approached being upset was the same for SO, family and friends. I used to withdraw, go silent and in some cases cut people off for most of my life. I consider it a bad habit learned in childhood and quite an immature/child way of dealing with conflicts.

Only realized how damaging and hurtful this behavior must have been to many people throughout my life kind of recently.

Been practicing other ways of dealing with people and SO instead of withdrawing without explanation for the past 2 months and it's going well.

Personally, I think I found it hard to deal with conflict so would rather ignore to avoid that but use the silence to display my anger -_-. I can see now from the other side of the fence, being ignored is extremely damaging. Nowadays I'm learning how to communicate upset feelings better, including if I need some space for a bit.

Get out of my head! I could've typed that post word for word. This is exactly how I am and I've made an effort this very week not to cut people off despite the fact that they hurt me. I tell you, it's very difficult.

Sent from my phone

 

[Ayesha81]

I become aloof.

 

[BonBon]

Get out of my head! I could've typed that post word for word. This is exactly how I am and I've made an effort this very week not to cut people off despite the fact that they hurt me. I tell you, it's very difficult.

Sent from my phone

Its is very difficult to break a habit of a lifetime! Although not impossible as I'm finding slowly

I feel like the first step is the awareness that there are other options other than the very tempting default reaction.

In the past I felt like that is all I could do when upset and to some extent what other people deserved. The best thing is to be aware of your available choices in the moment. Sometimes you will chose another more constructive way. Other times you will fail, but eventually it gets easier to take the other route.

I feel so empowered right now its unbelievable.

I am seeing a relationship therapist about this at the moment so I suppose I am getting extra help to see things another way.

 

[ladysaraii]

Get out of my head! I could've typed that post word for word. This is exactly how I am and I've made an effort this very week not to cut people off despite the fact that they hurt me. I tell you, it's very difficult.

Sent from my phone

Sometimes it is perfectly legit to cut people off. I've done the same. I think that hard part is knowing when is appropriate and when is not. But if I'm truly done with the person, I have no problem cutting them off, their feelings be darned.

 

[BonBon]

Sorry, reading is fundamental. My post was about silent treatment, not cutting people off Mrs Me.

I agree if someone has a negative impact on my life I'll cut them out.

Only thing to beware of is the other cases where the person may not know that thing hurts you and its worth talking first. Its kind of case by case. I think I've made the right decision most of the time but I have lost a few people who I believe would have listened if I did open up and talk about it unfortunately.

 

[naija24]

my rule now is that we never go to sleep angry.

 

[Oasis]

i will not say one word to him. i will treat him like he doesnt even exist.

it's unhealthy, i know.

 

[LdyKamz]

I am the complete opposite of most of you here. When I am angry I want to talk about it asap so we can hurry up and move past it. I don't like bumps in the road and would rather hash it out immediately so we can get back to our happy lives.

However, my SO is just like some of the posts I'm reading here. He will completely ignore me. We are in a fight right now and so far he has ignored me off and on for a week. His excuse is he doesn't like to fight and he's tried to keep himself busy so he can cool off. The problem is when he's finished stewing we don't talk about it. When he gets over it he comes back like nothing happened and I'm all bitter and ticked off because I feel like he doesn't care about me or my feelings. Besides what does ignoring solve? After you've ignored the person and you feel better the other person is left feeling all crappy and miserable because you pretended they don't exist.

Idk, maybe that's just me? Maybe women are entitled to do this and men aren't? Idk, but I tell you, being ignored makes me feel like s***. To the women who do the ignoring, what advice do you have for the person being ignored? How do you expect them to react because this is the position I am in.

 

[tinkat]

I think ignoring is to the extreme when it's prolonged like that. I am a quiet person so when I get upset I don't want to be bothered at the moment. I find that people sometimes put their foot in their mouth if they immediately say how they feel. Alot of times it emotionally charged response. So I get quiet, distance myself and then come back. Ignoring its not right and quite childish tbh.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[Lilmama1011]

We have a screaming and arguing session lol

 

[SilverSurfer]

Neither one of us likes to be ignored so we don't do it to each other as a rule. Also we have a policy to never go to bed angry with each other. So although we may take a few minutes to calm down and collect our thoughts, we typically just try to talk through our anger as quickly as possible so we can get back to being our normal happy silly selves.

 

[curlie rae]

I usually wait until I calm down a bit and always start with "DH, I love you but I don't particularly like you right now because.....". He knows when he hears that line its time to settle in for a good talking . Usually stuff gets resolved pretty quickly.
In the past I've approached him in the heat of the moment, which results in me yelling and him shutting down and me escalating. If I approach him with a logical argument delivered in a calm manner, its received and processed.