How do i urge him to be more manly around the house

[PrissiSippi]

My boyfriend is amazing. He showers me with love respect and affection. Over the year and a half he has never let me down always been a shoulder to cry on and always my Prince Charming.

But lawd he can be sooo lazy in my eyes. He's the baby of the fam. I feel like he's been catered to his whole life. I want him to be more masculine in his tasks. For instance we don't live together but I have to remind him to take out the trash or walk the dog.

My Inspection sticker was out on my car. I don't pay attention to that. I want him to get in the habit of looking out for me when it comes to things like that. He will completely mess up a room and think nothing of it. He doesn't clean. My car is messed up; I want him to check on it without me asking him to.

Right now at times I feel he is a child. I keep saying do this, do this, can you do this. He will happily do it but I want him to take the initiative and do it on his own.

Every time I ask why didn't u check on this for me he says "I thought your dad would do it" I though friend xyz had this covered. He often talks about marriage and I feel like I can't marry a man that expects other people to look after me. One day I won't have a father or etc. you will be the one I look towards.

I'm rambling. But I need help in discussing with him instead of coming off as a B I S H. I can be antagonizing at times. I can come all harsh and go IN on things I don't like. But it's hurting my relationship. I feel like I have ruined his self esteem and it's at an all time low. I need to learn how to stroke his ego but let him know what I expect. Help please?

 

[UniquelyDivine]

Maybe you could start by praising him for the things he does right, it could start to make him feel like you appreciate the things that he already does. It may also help to drop little hints here and there about things you need done and if he does it reward him for it by complimenting him, cooking a meal...or other favors

 

[Arcadian]

My boyfriend is amazing. He showers me with love respect and affection. Over the year and a half he has never let me down always been a shoulder to cry on and always my Prince Charming.

But lawd he can be sooo lazy in my eyes. He's the baby of the fam. I feel like he's been catered to his whole life. I want him to be more masculine in his tasks. For instance we don't live together but I have to remind him to take out the trash or walk the dog.

My Inspection sticker was out on my car. I don't pay attention to that. I want him to get in the habit of looking out for me when it comes to things like that. He will completely mess up a room and think nothing of it. He doesn't clean. My car is messed up; I want him to check on it without me asking him to.

Right now at times I feel he is a child. I keep saying do this, do this, can you do this. He will happily do it but I want him to take the initiative and do it on his own.

Every time I ask why didn't u check on this for me he says "I thought your dad would do it" I though friend xyz had this covered. He often talks about marriage and I feel like I can't marry a man that expects other people to look after me. One day I won't have a father or etc. you will be the one I look towards.

I'm rambling. But I need help in discussing with him instead of coming off as a B I S H. I can be antagonizing at times. I can come all harsh and go IN on things I don't like. But it's hurting my relationship. I feel like I have ruined his self esteem and it's at an all time low. I need to learn how to stroke his ego but let him know what I expect. Help please?

Girl, what? Sorry but What? I'm married and I don't expect my husband to remember that I need my inspection sticker taken care of.

If I have issues with my car, I tell him. He's not a swammy and we don't do guessing games. TELL that man if something is wrong with your car.

My husband takes very good care of me, but guess what? I'm an adult. If I want him to do something I tell him about my expectations. I don't just get mad if he can't read my mind!

If you're wanting a man to take care of you, read your mind and do the things you want without asking, I say get a magician or a mind reader. Most men can't read minds, and what you're doing is setting yourself up for failure if thats what you expect.

Woman up and have 'that talk' and be open and up front about what your expectations are of him, but also, allow him to also tell YOU what he expects from you too.

IMO, you're being unreasonable if you expect him to do something you have yet to put a voice to. Treat him as a man, not as a boy. If you got to do that, then let him go and find someone who is willing to meet your expectations.



-A

 

[LiftedUp]

It sounds as though you want him to be something that he is not. He is just not that type of man. Not all men have that quality. I think you either be honest with him about it or put things in place (e.g. reminders on your phone regarding your car, carrying your car for regular servicing so it would be the company's responsibility to ensure everything is always working and keep a database on what needs to be changed etc., encourage him to hire a cleaning lady to come in twice per week etc.)

To me it sounds like a man wanting his gf to be more motherly and nurturing if she is not inherently like that.

 

[Jasmataz]

I totally get where you're coming from op. Sometimes you just want a man to act on things without always having to say something first. I agree with the advice UniquelyDivine gave.

Men love to be praised and have their egos stroked, so the next time he does something right, emphasize how much you appreciate what he just did. This has worked for me (and it still does ). Have and honest talk with him about it too, but try not to put him down in the process.

There was an "ego stroking" thread that was started not too long ago that might help as well.

Eta: Here's the thread http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=681513&highlight=ego+stroking

 

[*CherryPie*]

^^^ @ the ego stroking thread. Y'all are too funny!

 

[Maguerite]

OP

I'm of the view that you should not have to stroke a mans ego. A woman does not have to be difficult or a ***** but a man also does not need extra praise like a toddler. By all means be courteous where necessary but the assumption that one has to prop up a fragile ego is ludicrous.

Back to your question: all men are different, some are the take charge type, some in between while at the other end are mummy's boys who expect to be taken care of. Sweeping generalisations but you get my drift.
Different women need different things; some handle all their business and would feel belittled if their man tried to do the same for them. Other women enjoy being taken care of in the ways you describe.
Bottom line is, this is probably who he is & he is unlikely to change much.
It's up to you to try & accept him or keep trying to change him.
There's always the third option of course.

Sent from my iPhone

 

[Allandra]

Exactly what Arcadian said right here.

Girl, what? Sorry but What? I'm married and I don't expect my husband to remember that I need my inspection sticker taken care of.

If I have issues with my car, I tell him. He's not a swammy and we don't do guessing games. TELL that man if something is wrong with your car.

My husband takes very good care of me, but guess what? I'm an adult. If I want him to do something I tell him about my expectations. I don't just get mad if he can't read my mind!

If you're wanting a man to take care of you, read your mind and do the things you want without asking, I say get a magician or a mind reader. Most men can't read minds, and what you're doing is setting yourself up for failure if thats what you expect.

Woman up and have 'that talk' and be open and up front about what your expectations are of him, but also, allow him to also tell YOU what he expects from you too.

IMO, you're being unreasonable if you expect him to do something you have yet to put a voice to. Treat him as a man, not as a boy. If you got to do that, then let him go and find someone who is willing to meet your expectations.



-A

 

[Evolving78]

It sounds as though you want him to be something that he is not. He is just not that type of man. Not all men have that quality. I think you either be honest with him about it or put things in place (e.g. reminders on your phone regarding your car, carrying your car for regular servicing so it would be the company's responsibility to ensure everything is always working and keep a database on what needs to be changed etc., encourage him to hire a cleaning lady to come in twice per week etc.)

To me it sounds like a man wanting his gf to be more motherly and nurturing if she is not inherently like that.

you are trying to change this man for the benefit of you and he needs a mother figure. he wasn't made to be the man of the house. you need to realize that, accept or move on.

 

[FearlessNik]

My boyfriend is amazing. He showers me with love respect and affection. Over the year and a half he has never let me down always been a shoulder to cry on and always my Prince Charming.

But lawd he can be sooo lazy in my eyes. He's the baby of the fam. I feel like he's been catered to his whole life. I want him to be more masculine in his tasks. For instance we don't live together but I have to remind him to take out the trash or walk the dog.

My Inspection sticker was out on my car. I don't pay attention to that. I want him to get in the habit of looking out for me when it comes to things like that. He will completely mess up a room and think nothing of it. He doesn't clean. My car is messed up; I want him to check on it without me asking him to.

Right now at times I feel he is a child. I keep saying do this, do this, can you do this. He will happily do it but I want him to take the initiative and do it on his own.

Every time I ask why didn't u check on this for me he says "I thought your dad would do it" I though friend xyz had this covered. He often talks about marriage and I feel like I can't marry a man that expects other people to look after me. One day I won't have a father or etc. you will be the one I look towards.

I'm rambling. But I need help in discussing with him instead of coming off as a B I S H. I can be antagonizing at times. I can come all harsh and go IN on things I don't like. But it's hurting my relationship. I feel like I have ruined his self esteem and it's at an all time low. I need to learn how to stroke his ego but let him know what I expect. Help please?

Umm he's your boyfriend, not your father. Maybe you could try being more independent. I'm not trying to come off as mean, or say that your bf isn't/ won't be a good provider, HH, or whatever. But you need to learn how to take care of yourself. Most of the women who rely on the men (fathers or SO) don't end up doing too well in the long run. One day you won't have a father, or a male SO. What will you do then?

 

[DarkJoy]

He is also not even your fiance. We always say around here to not do 'wifely' duties like laundry, clean your BFs apartment etc until marriage. Perhaps, he as your BOYFRIEND, has a similar edict. Perhaps these are not duties he provides for only a GF.

If you guys get engaged, perhaps this is something you should bring up. Until then, continue to grow and learn to take care of yourself.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Umm he's your boyfriend, not your father. Maybe you could try being more independent. I'm not trying to come off as mean, or say that your bf isn't/ won't be a good provider, HH, or whatever. But you need to learn how to take care of yourself. Most of the women who rely on the men (fathers or SO) don't end up doing too well in the long run. One day you won't have a father, or a male SO. What will you do then?

It's more than being independent though. In actuality a man would probably argue I am too independent. I pay my own bills I find my own pastimes I am the driver of my destiny but sometimes. For instance if you see the garbage is overflowing of course I take out the garbage when I'm alone of course I walk to dog rain snow or shine when alone but if you're here and you see those things need to be done...I believe a guy should want to do them. I equate that to future things such as the lawn needing to be mowed. What I'm saying is that he would happily now the lawn of we had a house...but I would have to remind him to do it. I would like him to learn to do some of these things instinctively as do I.

When I see his favorite foods are low....I buy them. When I see his skin is getting messed up I research and find things to help him. If I see his clothes needs ironing for work and he's busy of Course I iron them. I do this instinctually cuz I care not because I'm his "mother" but because these little things shows how big he is in my life.

 

[janiebaby]

OP, I understand you and I don't know what to tell you. I know alot of guys like this and just as many women who have a case of the, what I call, "why I gottas." The couple people in my head have not been able to find a solution and it still gets on their nerves AND they're married If you find something that works....come back in here and post about it Make sure to tag me

 

[MD_Lady]

...I'm rambling. But I need help in discussing with him instead of coming off as a B I S H. I can be antagonizing at times. I can come all harsh and go IN on things I don't like. But it's hurting my relationship. I feel like I have ruined his self esteem and it's at an all time low. I need to learn how to stroke his ego but let him know what I expect. Help please?

But haven't you already done this? I definitely feel that the delivery of a message can be more important than the message itself, but at some point, you have to acknowledge the response that people are giving you instead of continuing to push for the one you want. Maybe this has less to do with you not stroking his ego and more to do with the two of you being incompatible in this area?

 

[ThickHair]

My boyfriend is amazing. He showers me with love respect and affection. Over the year and a half he has never let me down always been a shoulder to cry on and always my Prince Charming.

PrissiSippi Well, what does he do that you like? We women sometimes harp on the wrong things (negative) and don't appreciate the good things. So he is good at fulfilling your emotional needs and lacking in the physical needs?!?!?!?

 

[hopeful]

It's more than being independent though. In actuality a man would probably argue I am too independent. I pay my own bills I find my own pastimes I am the driver of my destiny but sometimes. For instance if you see the garbage is overflowing of course I take out the garbage when I'm alone of course I walk to dog rain snow or shine when alone but if you're here and you see those things need to be done...I believe a guy should want to do them. I equate that to future things such as the lawn needing to be mowed. What I'm saying is that he would happily now the lawn of we had a house...but I would have to remind him to do it. I would like him to learn to do some of these things instinctively as do I.

When I see his favorite foods are low....I buy them. When I see his skin is getting messed up I research and find things to help him. If I see his clothes needs ironing for work and he's busy of Course I iron them. I do this instinctually cuz I care not because I'm his "mother" but because these little things shows how big he is in my life.

PrissiSippi
I think you are fighting an uphill battle. I think some of the things you want are asking a lot for a bf, like expecting him to know your car tags need to be replaced. But yes, walking the dog in the rain and taking out the trash IMO should be a no-brainier. If you really like him though then you will have to put in a lot of work. You will have to be very direct and vocal. "I would really appreciate it you would take out my trash when you see it overflowing or take my dog for a quick walk, especially when the weather is inclement." The problem with this strategy is that you will likely have to repeat yourself several times before he automatically does those things. And even once he "gets" to do those things he will likely not do other things that are important to you until you clearly ask several times. Of course you could just ask broadly that he be more "manly" but it doesn't sound like something that is in his nature.

 

[*CherryPie*]

PrissiSippi

He just ain't that kind of guy. It sounds like you're trying to "fix" him. You can't make him be something he's not...no matter how bad you want it. He might change for a while with a little pressure, but he will always go back to who he is. You're going to have to ask him to do stuff, accept him for how he is, or find someone more compatible.

It's more than being independent though. In actuality a man would probably argue I am too independent. I pay my own bills I find my own pastimes I am the driver of my destiny but sometimes. For instance if you see the garbage is overflowing of course I take out the garbage when I'm alone of course I walk to dog rain snow or shine when alone but if you're here and you see those things need to be done...I believe a guy should want to do them. I equate that to future things such as the lawn needing to be mowed. What I'm saying is that he would happily now the lawn of we had a house...but I would have to remind him to do it. I would like him to learn to do some of these things instinctively as do I.

When I see his favorite foods are low....I buy them. When I see his skin is getting messed up I research and find things to help him. If I see his clothes needs ironing for work and he's busy of Course I iron them. I do this instinctually cuz I care not because I'm his "mother" but because these little things shows how big he is in my life.

 

[PrissiSippi]

UPDATE:

Problem solved. I called him up and instead of bashing him about what I want I asked him what are some things instinctively he would expect his girlfriend to do. He told me I did everything perfect and I made him feel so happy especially when I drop all the things from my busy day and give him all of my attention. The only thing he told me he wished I would do without asking is when I ask what is he hungry for, he wish I would occassionally fix some of those things. At this current moment I'm getting adjusted to my job so I rarely look anymore even though it used to be my passion.

Of course...afterwards he asked what things do I wish he would do instinctively. I told him that he makes me feel so happy when I walk outside and all of a sudden I notice my car is clean or that he has fixed something in the house without me asking. I told him how he makes me feel so loved when I see him spending time with Loui while I am busy and taking him out. It makes me know he appreciates my future and my presence.

Well....I told him I would work on cooking more and likewise my car is getting cleaned today, my nails are getting done this Friday before our weekly date night, and the car is getting worked on this weekend, and he told me he would start paying closer attention to stuff concerning my car and apartment because he feels like I'm his queen and he would do anything to keep my happy. That man is good yall.

 

[itismehmmkay]

So #1, don't do 'Why didn't you....xyz' anymore. Me and a homegirl were just talking about something and for the situation it came up where she said, 'I'm sure if I would've asked him, he would've been like 'sure'". So. It's kinda like a training in that you just have to start asking, but don't nag and don't complain when it doesn't happen as timely just yet. But do make sure you praise real hard when it does.

For the car, ask for him to check one thing about it and then have it expand or soething idk. Recently I asked someone to help me vacuum my car...he ended up washing the whole thing and checking my tires etc. Now, if this was someone I saw regularly, I would make it a point to get my car washed weekly/biweekly and then ask him to help, and then eventually see if he will jsut do it automatically. Then from there, mention other ish going on w/ y our car...I'm just rambling now, but you get it.

Also to, is there something that you regularly do for him? I can't think of anything outside of cooking and I'd hate to suggest laundry...but something outside of domestic maybe. But that you can do for him while he's doing for you idk.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Oh PrissiSippi just now seeing your update lol. Cool! And yea it was the cooking lol...men are suckers for food I don't understand!

 

[*CherryPie*]

You have to give it some time to see if the problem is solved. He is 'In the zone' right now, but watch to see if he slowly starts to forget to do things again. Habits aren't formed instantly. He is going to have some setbacks.

UPDATE:

Problem solved. I called him up and instead of bashing him about what I want I asked him what are some things instinctively he would expect his girlfriend to do. He told me I did everything perfect and I made him feel so happy especially when I drop all the things from my busy day and give him all of my attention. The only thing he told me he wished I would do without asking is when I ask what is he hungry for, he wish I would occassionally fix some of those things. At this current moment I'm getting adjusted to my job so I rarely look anymore even though it used to be my passion.

Of course...afterwards he asked what things do I wish he would do instinctively. I told him that he makes me feel so happy when I walk outside and all of a sudden I notice my car is clean or that he has fixed something in the house without me asking. I told him how he makes me feel so loved when I see him spending time with Loui while I am busy and taking him out. It makes me know he appreciates my future and my presence.

Well....I told him I would work on cooking more and likewise my car is getting cleaned today, my nails are getting done this Friday before our weekly date night, and the car is getting worked on this weekend, and he told me he would start paying closer attention to stuff concerning my car and apartment because he feels like I'm his queen and he would do anything to keep my happy. That man is good yall.

 

[PrissiSippi]

You have to give it some time to see if the problem is solved. He is 'In the zone' right now, but watch to see if he slowly starts to forget to do things again. Habits aren't formed instantly. He is going to have some setbacks.

Totally see what you're saying. It lasts a month then falls off. I am constantly urging him to pick up slack. He will do it when we have a big discussion but it's like he doesn't get it long term. I kinda just stopped caring about some of it but some things just have to change. We're engaged now so hopefully counseling will help.

 

[ScorpioLove]

Congrats on your engagement!

 

[1QTPie]

And sometimes men have to be reminded, so don't be discouraged if he drops the ball again. Glad that you stated what you wanted so that he could oblige. Congrats on the engagement.

 

[Afro Puff]

In order for him to become more manly around the house, you must become more feminine around the house. Yin/yang

If that doesn't work, then he may just be less of a masculine man in general.

You can also state your needs in a loving manner. Or state the problem & have him suggest solutions. Then ask him to implement his solution.

 

[PrissiSippi]

In order for him to become more manly around the house, you must become more feminine around the house. Yin/yang

If that doesn't work, then he may just be less of a masculine man in general.

You can also state your needs in a loving manner. Or state the problem & have him suggest solutions. Then ask him to implement his solution.

Great suggestion. I often wonder if I am feminine rather than corporate feminist