How did you meet your non-black SO/DH?

[Freespirit02]

OKay, I'm a black woman (most us are), and I have been thinking of spreading my wings and trying something new. I have never dated outside my race and I'm scared. I pretty sure my question is stupid, but how did you meet your non-black SO/DH? How did you know it was the real deal? Was it love at first sight?? I want here stories..thanks!

 

[Mz.Shug]

We met in highschool.Before him I NEVER thought of dating outside of my race as I came from a closeminded family.I think it was love at first sight.I loved his smile. I had a boyfriend at the time and he snatched me away! 7yrs,family controvery,a marriage and a baby later we're still in love.Love knows no color so don't be afraid of anything.Just follow your heart.

 

[Kawaii1]

Why are you scared?

 

[january noir]

Don't be. It will be uncomfortable at first because you are doing something you never did before. It makes it more uncomfortable when it comes to your heart.

Men are men. Some will love you, some will like you, and some will not be attracted to you. Simple as that.

To answer your question, I met my current SO at my workplace friend's Christmas party. We started talking and our feelings for each other developed at the same time. He had never dated a black woman before and I have always dated interracially.

 

[Mz.Shug]

^^ITA

No fear.You'll just feel what you feel and color will play no part.Hubby and I have NEVER had a problem with cultural differences. OTHER people have always been the ones with a problem.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

At work.

Honestly, men are men. If he's interesting, do it. You should feel comfortable doing it because you should try to be friends first.

I've never had a white SO, but I've always dated interacially. Maybe you should "shop around" before "buying"

 

[lowridin76]

I met him as if you'd meet anyone else who ends up becoming your friend. We were friends first before we moved on to more serious things. It's just like meeting any other person. you can't go in thinking about color, or with preconceived notions.

 

[Lucie]

I met my DH on the corner. He hates when I say that, but I met him on the corner of our college. He asked me for directions. I thought he was cute and gave them to him and walked away. I was supposed to get on another bus, but my original bus stop was too sunny and causing steam to rise from my head. I ended up getting on at the bus stop where I originally gave him directions. He got on a stop later! We laughed when he got on. Talked. Laughed some more. I ended up going with him to his job (Franklin General Hospital) because he said he would vouch for me on a position that became available. I ended up going back with him to his house. Crazy, I know. I never did that before! I met his parents that day! We watched Judge Judy and Thundercats, he dropped me off afterwards. We've been together ever since although we became friends first. It may sound stupid, but I don't really remember that he's white. He and I are like PB&J and I don't think his race makes us any left perfect for one another.

If you do start to date white men, please don't be a white man's guinea pig. Please date one who HAS been with a black woman before. One that understands the culture, has black friends, and will not have 50-11 questions for you to answer. I am sure there are exceptions to my personal PH rule, but if you do date out of your race, you want to make SURE to date a man that is dating you because you are truly compatible, not to find out if the "rumors" are true.

Good luck sweetie!!!

 

[Bunny77]

If you do start to date white men, please don't be a white man's guinea pig. Please date one who HAS been with a black woman before. One that understands the culture, has black friends, and will not have 50-11 questions for you to answer. I am sure there are exceptions to my personal PH rule, but if you do date out of your race, you want to make SURE to date a man that is dating you because you are truly compatible, not to find out if the "rumors" are true.

Good luck sweetie!!!

But doesn't SOMEONE have to be the first black woman that a WM has dated?

I know that's your personal rule, but I guess I just don't get how BW are supposed to look out for and turn down WM who've never dated black women before.

If no black woman wants to date him for that reason, then how's he gonna get a chance to date a black woman?

 

[Lucie]

But doesn't SOMEONE have to be the first black woman that a WM has dated?

I know that's your personal rule, but I guess I just don't get how BW are supposed to look out for and turn down WM who've never dated black women before.

If no black woman wants to date him for that reason, then how's he gonna get a chance to date a black woman?

I got you sweetie, but it's my own PH rule which is comparable to dating virgins. We were all virgins before we started coloring. However, I will NOT be the first one to pop a cherry or commence the IR dating.

I am not saying this is true for all WM, but if he was serious about dating BW he would have already done so IMHO. I can teach a man to speak Creole, how to organize his paperwork more efficiently, and even how to change a tire if he doesn't already know how, but I just have seen too many BW go through massive heartache with a man who is totally clueless to our culture and lifestyle.

 

[Bunny77]

I got you sweetie, but it's my own PH rule which is comparable to dating virgins. We were all virgins before we started coloring. However, I will NOT be the first one to pop a cherry or commence the IR dating.

I am not saying this is true for all WM, but if he was serious about dating BW he would have already done so IMHO. I can teach a man to speak Creole, how to organize his paperwork more efficiently, and even how to change a tire if he doesn't already know how, but I just have seen too many BW go through massive heartache with a man who is totally clueless to our culture and lifestyle.

Personal rules are cool... do what you gotta do! I just don't think they should presented as fact.

I just like to take folks as individuals. I've dated some WM who never dated BW before and it wasn't all that difficult, crazy, ridiculous or guinea pig-ish like black folks made it seem like it would be. I guess I'm always surprised when I read all of these tales of lecherous or clueless WM on the prowl for naive BW cause that certainly hasn't been my experience or the experience of other BW I know who have dated and married interracially.

Of course, I made sure to learn their character and get to know them, just as I would with any other man, so that when I decided to become more serious, I knew they wouldn't be the types to ask dumb-a$$ questions.

I dunno... folks of different cultures get married all the time and learning about the other person's culture is part of the process. Plus, I'd rather have a WM ask me questions than be the one telling me about his BM friend who's "light-skinned" and has "good hurr."

Or the WM who wanted to make sure that BW knew that he knew about Yaki #2 or whatever the heck that stuff is.

Yeah, those WM dated BW before. I'll take the blank slate over that, thank you very much!

 

[Lucie]

Personal rules are cool... do what you gotta do! I just don't think they should presented as fact.

I just like to take folks as individuals. I've dated some WM who never dated BW before and it wasn't all that difficult, crazy, ridiculous or guinea pig-ish like black folks made it seem like it would be. I guess I'm always surprised when I read all of these tales of lecherous or clueless WM on the prowl for naive BW cause that certainly hasn't been my experience or the experience of other BW I know who have dated and married interracially.

Of course, I made sure to learn their character and get to know them, just as I would with any other man, so that when I decided to become more serious, I knew they wouldn't be the types to ask dumb-a$$ questions.

I dunno... folks of different cultures get married all the time and learning about the other person's culture is part of the process. Plus, I'd rather have a WM ask me questions than be the one telling me about his BM friend who's "light-skinned" and has "good hurr."

Or the WM who wanted to make sure that BW knew that he knew about Yaki #2 or whatever the heck that stuff is.

Yeah, those WM dated BW before. I'll take the blank slate over that, thank you very much!

I don't understand how you saw my personal rule as fact. What works for you, may not work for another and vice-versa. If I had such negative issues with white men, I wouldn't have married one. However, just because my husband is not a scuzzbucket, doesn't mean someone else won't be. From personal experience, friend's perspectives, articles, you name it, many black women can corroborate with my my POV. Many white men will sleep with a black woman and never go past that point. The key is to determine what sort of a man he is. If he is just trying to score, and trying to be cool, I'd suggest she KIM. If he is down to earth, and really genuine she should obviously go for it. I know there are exceptions to the rule. I do not think all white men that date black women for the first time are feens, but as with ANY man, the OP or any other woman should be careful. My DH has learned a lot about my culture over the decade+ that we've been together. Even if you marry within your own race, there's still so much to learn.

Is Yaki #2 the hair that comes in those braid packs?

 

[Bunny77]

I don't understand how you saw my personal rule as fact. What works for you, may not work for another and vice-versa. If I had such negative issues with white men, I wouldn't have married one. However, just because my husband is not a scuzzbucket, doesn't mean someone else won't be. From personal experience, friend's perspectives, articles, you name it, many black women can corroborate with my my POV. Many white men will sleep with a black woman and never go past that point. The key is to determine what sort of a man he is. If he is just trying to score, and trying to be cool, I'd suggest she KIM. If he is down to earth, and really genuine she should obviously go for it. I know there are exceptions to the rule. I do not think all white men that date black women for the first time are feens, but as with ANY man, the OP or any other woman should be careful. My DH has learned a lot about my culture over the decade+ that we've been together. Even if you marry within your own race, there's still so much to learn.

Is Yaki #2 the hair that comes in those braid packs?

Well, when you said to the OP, "Please date one who has dated BW before," I know that's your recommendation, but if I'm someone considering IR dating, hearing that comes off as as being pretty darn near factual to me... and it seems that there's no acknowledgment that there could indeed be WM who haven't dated BW who would still make great partners for one. If the OP is relatively young, it's highly possible that she'll meet an equally young WM who hasn't had the opportunity to even consider dating a BW... so he automatically gets kicked to the curb because he hasn't?

Or like I mentioned with the other side of things, there are some WM who think they know all about BW and are then quite surprised when I have to tell them that we are indeed different and do not all fit a certain "mold," so to speak. Some WM have gotten on my cot dayum nerves using what a past black woman told them about black people to determine how he's going to interact with me.

As for the Yaki, I think that's what he was talking about! And I've probably messed up a few WM for the next BW they date, because they're gonna wonder why they don't get her hair wet everyday... after all, Bunny was black and she did it!

As for the sex thing, I always say that many black men will sleep with a black woman and never go past that point either for a serious relationship... half the posts on this forum usually involve this dynamic with two black people!

I'm just sayin', if you want to rule out the white dudes who only want a sex thing with a black woman, just don't sleep with them on date #2 or whatever when they start pushing for it... it's not all that hard really to figure out which men want you for sex and which want you for you.

 

[cheetarah1980]

While I'm not currently in a relationship I have and do date interracially. Questions like the one in this thread sort of rub me the wrong way. Black women caution one another about not being someone's experiment, yet the attitude toward dating interracially (especially white men) comes off in that exact same way (i.e. "I want to try something new).
OP, is there a specific man of another race/ethnic background that has expressed an interest in you? Do you find yourself taking a second look at non-black men that you encounter on a day to day basis? Are you drawn to non-black men just as much as you are to a black man? I ask these questions because interracial dating isn't really something you should have to try to do. It usually happens because people date those with whom they have interaction. If you're not really interacting with non-black men then what's the point of trying to date interracially?
If the above paragraph isn't the case, I'd say that you need to widen your social circle of friends to include non-blacks so that would facilitate meeting more men. Also start hanging out in environments and trying hobbies that attract a more mixed group.

 

[Bunny77]

Cheetarah, VERY good points.

Looking for a non-black man because one might have run into a gang of bad black men (for example) isn't a good idea. You'll just end up with a crappy white man because you haven't learned to figure out what characteristics are important for a good man to have.

Great post!

 

[princessnad]

OP, listen to Cheetarah.

As for your question

I met him at his college graduation party. He invited me randomly on facebook. When I asked why he invited me, he said he invited all the pretty girls. Well geee, way to make a girl feel special.

I was afraid to go up to him at his party so I just ended up dancing with my girls. Eventually he came over to me and we started talking. We talked and talked until I realized it was 7:30 am!

We continued chatting once in a while on facebook and I thought he just saw me as a friend, as I did him. One day I got this phone call and it was him asking me to dinner. He had already gone back home from school so he had to drive 4 hours to come to see me. I thought if this guy is willing to do all that just to buy me a meal then I'll give him a chance.

We had the best conversation and date but for some reason I still thought he just wanted to be friends... I'm dense, I know. So the night after our first date, we talked on the phone and he let me know he was serious and that he basically wanted me to be all his. I laughed him off.

Now 2.5 years later, it is obvious I couldn't resist his charm.

 

[princessnad]

Oh, btw, I was his first black girl.

But everyone should always be careful that they are not anyone's experiment. From conversations with him, I could tell he was an open minded guy. He grew up in a mostly white neighborhood but his best friend is black and Jamaican like me. His parents are open-minded. And even if they weren't, he isn't the type of guy to give a crap what other people think as long as it is a well thought out decision on his part.

These things are important to me because I really wouldn't elect to deal with family racial drama or having to teach some guy about the basics of black culture that any self-respecting American should know about anyway. Sorry I don't date idiots and IMO racists and ignorant people are just that. And unlike him, I care what people think... not because I am weak, I just don't need the headache.

I would rather pass and wait for the next guy than settle to have to deal with some guy's ignorance and racist family or to be a social or sexual experiment.

 

[Freespirit02]

Well some of you ladies asked why am I scared. I guess it's because something I have never done before, and I'm use to dating black men. I guess men are men. I just want to be more open to the fact that my soul mate may actually be non-black! I glad yall had a good experience..its good to hear.

 

[inthepink]

Well some of you ladies asked why am I scared. I guess it's because something I have never done before, and I'm use to dating black men. I guess men are men. I just want to be more open to the fact that my soul mate may actually be non-black! I glad yall had a good experience..its good to hear.

Aww, don't be scared. If you have something in common with various types of men, then it shouldn't be an issue.

Honestly, I'd say it's something that you forget about. I've actually been on 90% more dates with white men than black men. And you really don't think about it. I just tend to have more in common with white men and I think that's why it's not something I think about much.

So....make sure you have something in common with the person no matter what the nationality. That way, race won't be something you'll be constantly thinking about.

 

[Bunny77]

Princess, you and your guy are so cute together!


Just wanted to add on GP that I am certainly not advocating that any black woman become a social experiment for a non-black man or feel that she has to put up with stupid and silly questions.

I'm just saying that a guy may not have dated a BW, but if he has black friends or has a very-open minded outlook on life, then he's not gonna come at you with a "Why do black people eat fried chicken?" question or anything like that.

I know I've dated some guys who didn't grow up around many black people, but later of their own free will chose to leave their small towns, travel the country and the world in college and learn about people of different cultures and backgrounds. Those are often the types of non-black men who I will date, even if they never dated black women before.

So I say that it just depends on the guy. I think you should be able to figure out pretty quickly simply in the way he interacts with you.

Oh, as for where I've met some of these guys -- some online, one at one of those professional event thingies, running clubs. Hardly ever at clubs/bars -- I mean, I meet them there, but those are usually the "social experiment" types.

 

[Lucie]

Well, when you said to the OP, "Please date one who has dated BW before," I know that's your recommendation, but if I'm someone considering IR dating, hearing that comes off as as being pretty darn near factual to me... and it seems that there's no acknowledgment that there could indeed be WM who haven't dated BW who would still make great partners for one. If the OP is relatively young, it's highly possible that she'll meet an equally young WM who hasn't had the opportunity to even consider dating a BW... so he automatically gets kicked to the curb because he hasn't?

Or like I mentioned with the other side of things, there are some WM who think they know all about BW and are then quite surprised when I have to tell them that we are indeed different and do not all fit a certain "mold," so to speak. Some WM have gotten on my cot dayum nerves using what a past black woman told them about black people to determine how he's going to interact with me.

As for the Yaki, I think that's what he was talking about! And I've probably messed up a few WM for the next BW they date, because they're gonna wonder why they don't get her hair wet everyday... after all, Bunny was black and she did it!

As for the sex thing, I always say that many black men will sleep with a black woman and never go past that point either for a serious relationship... half the posts on this forum usually involve this dynamic with two black people!

I'm just sayin', if you want to rule out the white dudes who only want a sex thing with a black woman, just don't sleep with them on date #2 or whatever when they start pushing for it... it's not all that hard really to figure out which men want you for sex and which want you for you.

Again, I still don't agree with my recommendation being factual. How can it be factual when not all white men are looking for a booty call or looking to experiment? I was telling her to AVOID those that are. IMO, some men DO want to experience a black woman for only what's in between her legs. I am sure the OP is smart enough that if she met a white man who never dated IR but seemed genuine, to give him a chance. At the end of the day, it's up the OP and any other woman to choose who makes her feel comfortable. My advice has worked for ME.

When other ladies recommend products in the hair care forum are their comments presented as facts, as well? Or are they just sharing what worked for THEM? Many ladies have recommended products that I bought, and did nothing for my hair and even upset my hair, LOL! Let's not split hairs (no pun intended) here.

I also hate when WM use other black women as a barometer for who you are. It's funny you should mention the hair thing, but I was CON-washing before I knew what it was. Anyhoo, the guy I was dating was almost scared that I wet my hair every day. So he told me how his BFF said we should only wash our hair every two weeks and any more than that is crazy. He was seriously trying to save my hair life.

 

[Lucie]

Well some of you ladies asked why am I scared. I guess it's because something I have never done before, and I'm use to dating black men. I guess men are men. I just want to be more open to the fact that my soul mate may actually be non-black! I glad yall had a good experience..its good to hear.

You hit the nail on the head with the bold face text. As I've mentioned before I don't even think of DH's color/race.

We have a good time together. He treats me well. Works hard. Keeps his word. Makes me laugh. Supports my passions. Doesn't demand anything of me and I know he loves my family as his own.

 

[Bunny77]

Again, I still don't agree with my recommendation being factual. How can it be factual when not all white men are looking for a booty call or looking to experiment? I was telling her to AVOID those that are. IMO, some men DO want to experience a black woman for only what's in between her legs.

Don't want to get into too much back and forth, because we're really on the same page here!

But I just wanted to clarify... it was just the "Please don't be the first BW he's dated," statement that seemed pretty direct as if that was a hard and fast rule of interracial dating. If I heard, "I really don't want to date a man who's never dated a black woman before," I probably wouldn't have noticed.

But whatever... it's all semantics! OP is gonna take it all in and do what works best for her!

The hair thing is hilarious... I think that is the only situation in which quite a few non-black guys THOUGHT that they really understood... like one guy saw my Suave bottles and some BedHead in my bathroom and later said, "But, I thought black people had to use different products on their hair than whites." Some black girl he dated in college told him that!

 

[honeycomb719]

LOL, this thread is funny. Just hearing all the different stories of IR dating. OP dont be scared. Nervous is ok, but nervousness comes with dating any guy your attracted to. Scared comes from thinking some harm will come to you and that is highly unlikely.
I come from a open-minded family/background, but IR dating isnt something my family really promoted. Ive always been attracted to Blacks and non- Black men since I was a kid. I though Ricky Scrodder was the BOMB back in the day, lol...anywho..
I met my fiance online as I did the first non-Black guy I dated. Ive met 1 or 2 in the club scene as well, but they were looking for a booty call (not so much as experimenting) as I wasnt their first Black date lol, but you can figure that out from any guy by his conversation.
There is nothing wrong with being curious about the unfamiliar. Its natural and its how people learn. You will be curious about his culture as well, and dont be shame of that. Its the intent that you plan to use that information that makes the difference. Same goes for the non-Black guy you meet if you are his first Black girlfriend.
The key thing is attraction and having some type of commonality that will bring you together with ANY guy. If that guy happens to be of another race, so what? Go for it, and see what happens. Thats all you can do with any relationship. Good Luck!!

 

[natural2008]

I met my DH on the corner. He hates when I say that, but I met him on the corner of our college. He asked me for directions. I thought he was cute and gave them to him and walked away. I was supposed to get on another bus, but my original bus stop was too sunny and causing steam to rise from my head. I ended up getting on at the bus stop where I originally gave him directions. He got on a stop later! We laughed when he got on. Talked. Laughed some more. I ended up going with him to his job (Franklin General Hospital) because he said he would vouch for me on a position that became available. I ended up going back with him to his house. Crazy, I know. I never did that before! I met his parents that day! We watched Judge Judy and Thundercats, he dropped me off afterwards. We've been together ever since although we became friends first. It may sound stupid, but I don't really remember that he's white. He and I are like PB&J and I don't think his race makes us any left perfect for one another.

If you do start to date white men, please don't be a white man's guinea pig. Please date one who HAS been with a black woman before. One that understands the culture, has black friends, and will not have 50-11 questions for you to answer. I am sure there are exceptions to my personal PH rule, but if you do date out of your race, you want to make SURE to date a man that is dating you because you are truly compatible, not to find out if the "rumors" are true.

Good luck sweetie!!!

You had me laughing not Thundercats. I remember that show.