Help With A Friend. His Date Won’t Speak To Him On The Phone Due To Trauma

[Kindheart]

Friend has recently started dating a woman who says due to some trauma with her stalking ex bf can’t speak on the phone ,he tried to face time her and she wouldn’t answer or acknowledge the call ,when they text she drops the conversation for hours . He sent her a video msg saying he misses her she
Replied saying hearing his voice is making her missing him . Still no call .
I said to him I think it’s very odd for someone in their 30’s not to be able to at least use Skype to chat,I think it’s an excuse for lack of interest . He thinks she’s very interested because she
Introduced him to her best friend.
He defended her saying everyone deal with trauma differently and doesn’t want to think negatively but if she
Can’t speak over the phone it would be a deal breaker . I agreed with him and told him to tell her how he feels and that IMO she s playing games . He attacked me saying I’m not helping and making him very anxious and hung up on me.
He’s 39 she’s 30

 

[ladysaraii]

Wait, so when you say dating, they met in person right?

So she can meet him in person, but not talk on the phone? I call shenanigans.

 

[Kindheart]

Wait, so when you say dating, they met in person right?

So she can meet him in person, but not talk on the phone? I call shenanigans.

Yes they were part of a group travel (she’s one of his brothers friends) and went out alone once to some museum,he swears she s into him,I don’t think she is at all.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I'm over 30 and I get bad social call anxiety most times and have only tried video call/Skype once. Hated it.

People courted and maintained friendships before facetime I have plenty of good friends, family and healthy relationships with men without Skype video, or phone calls. Although I do keep in regular contact.

If he needs more than she can give him he should break it off. Maybe she's up to something, or maybe she actually has anxiety and probably isn't ready to date yet mentally. Either way its not a match. I think it might be best to leave this one alone for more reasons than one.

 

[danniegirl]

She may be into him....but if this is a real thing she sounds like she has some healing and mental work to do on her own

I would advise him for that aspect

 

[awhyley]

She may be into him....but if this is a real thing she sounds like she has some healing and mental work to do on her own

I would advise him for that aspect

Agreed. It would be a great thing if he's there to support her, but that takes effort on his part as well.

 

[Evolving78]

Wait, so when you say dating, they met in person right?

So she can meet him in person, but not talk on the phone? I call shenanigans.

I have dealt psychological abuse by phone. It’s real.

This is the thing, she doesn’t like talking, or FaceTime and he does, so this means they are not a match. He needs to stop trying to force his way in and just leave her alone. He will not have the relationship he desires with her. This is an open and shut case.

 

[michelle81]

I'm over 30 and I get bad social call anxiety most times and have only tried video call/Skype once. Hated it.

People courted and maintained friendships before facetime I have plenty of good friends, family and healthy relationships with men without Skype video, or phone calls. Although I do keep in regular contact.

If he needs more than she can give him he should break it off. Maybe she's up to something, or maybe she actually has anxiety and probably isn't ready to date yet mentally. Either way its not a match. I think it might be best to leave this one alone for more reasons than one.

I'm the same way with Facetime/Skype, but I can do phone calls.

 

[ladysaraii]

I have dealt psychological abuse by phone. It’s real.

This is the thing, she doesn’t like talking, or FaceTime and he does, so this means they are not a match. He needs to stop trying to force his way in and just leave her alone. He will not have the relationship he desires with her. This is an open and shut case.

I'm not trying to belittle this, I'm trying to understand. Was he only abusive in the phone but not in person? What do we mean by phone abuse?

 

[bellatiamarie]

He attacked you and hung up on you? After hanging up on me while I’m trying to offer advice, this would’ve become a moot issue to me.... let the two of them figure it out.

 

[hopeful]

I think that whatever the issue is with her (anxiety, needing healing, playing games, simply incompatible with your friend) your friend has made it clear that he wants to give the relationship a go and that he likes her. If you want to keep his friendship I wouldn’t say another word about her or their relationship. Besides at 39 I’m sure he will figure things out eventually. Most of us need to learn from experience anyway, not from advice. I would say the same if your friend was a woman.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

How is this supposed to work if she doesn’t answer or acknowledge calls and texts infrequently? Is he suppose to email her so they can arrange dates? Do they have opportunities to see each other by chance at work or church?

Idk if she’s playing games but I’d put it back on her. He needs to tell her he’s interested but doesn’t know how to communicate with her when she’s not responsive. He doesn’t have to be nasty or mean but this is an obvious issue when it comes to getting to know someone. Its possible for all their interaction to be face to face but how do you accomplish that if you can’t reach them on the phone to plan it? It doesn’t seem possible to me.

 

[intellectualuva]

I'd leave it be. No advice. Just well wishes. He's clearly set on it.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I have dealt psychological abuse by phone. It’s real.

This is the thing, she doesn’t like talking, or FaceTime and he does, so this means they are not a match. He needs to stop trying to force his way in and just leave her alone. He will not have the relationship he desires with her. This is an open and shut case.

Why doesn't he just put more effort into seeing her in-person more since he knows that she has this trauma? If she still pays him dust, then I'd say she's not interested.

 

[Evolving78]

Delete.

 

[Evolving78]

Why doesn't he just put more effort into seeing her in-person more since he knows that she has this trauma? If she still pays him dust, then I'd say she's not interested.

This is flag on both ends. They need to cut their losses and move around. It will be something else sooner, or later. It doesn’t matter if she is lying to him or not. He needs to stop make fetch happen. It sounds more of an ego thing, since he is persistent about it. And she has clearly not healed from that.

 

[LiftedUp]

They seem incompatible when it comes to communication. They should try seeing each other more in person. That's what my boyfriend and I do. We barely talk on the phone. Unless it's urgent or long we text and then we do face time we don't speak just stare at each other do whatever we are doing lol.

I'm happy that he does force me to have phone calls. I have very little time in my day to dedicate to that. I reserve phone calls for persons who may find it difficult to call e.g. grandparents

 

[Evolving78]

I'm not trying to belittle this, I'm trying to understand. Was he only abusive in the phone but not in person? What do we mean by phone abuse?

It’s very complex. That’s why i said pychological, not emotional, or physical. There is a thread around here on how spouses were using technology to inflict abuse. It’s controlling, manipulating, and crazy making.

 

[Browndilocks]

Why pursue anything at all with a person who has those types of problems? Hate to sound cold but get real. First she can't be on the phone, next she can't sit in cars cause because somebody once drove her to a place she didn't want to be. ***

 

[VictoriousBrownFlower]

Just because she prefers face to face interaction doesn't mean she's not into him. It actually (to me) means the exact opposite. I have (well had) severe social anxiety and still to this day (even though I am 10x better than I was) still have an issue talking on the phone. I would never do face time or the like because of anxiety. I do as her and ignore most phone calls and all video calls now but at my worst I couldn't even express myself on the internet (forums, youtube comments. etc,,,)

See with anxiety you are hyper aware of what others may think of you so everything you do you mull over and thoroughly think about in every way (how will they take what I said? will they think I'm weird/dumb/ annoying ?) That anxiety makes you feel it's better to just not try.

But now face to face is more comfie because if there's chemistry there's a flow to the experience. You're not tryna force it like on the phone/text. You don't have as much time to think about what you're doing (which is actually a good thing for us) and the awkward silence ( an anxious persons cryptonite) doesn't feel as awkward because you can fill the blanks in with physical interaction (not limited but including sexual activity).

Face to face is a much better indication to me of interest because if someone has no or little interest imo they're not gonna wanna chill like that. They will make up excuses etc to go looonnnggg stretches of time without seeing you and then when they do they'll just wanna netflix and chill. Then it'll be like another month til you see them again. People like that don't mind talking and texting but SEEING you is another story. It's always a run around with them because they're just not that interested.

Everyone that's interested will find a way to make time to see you as often as possible. To me talking on the phone is moot but if she likes him text is his best option for communication. Also if she makes excuses to not see him face/face as well THEN she's not into him.

 

[pinkness27]

I have a friend whos bf’s second gf stalked her. She won’t answer phones and texts. She puts the phone and text apps on the second page of her iPhone where she doesn’t visit.

We communicate via GroupMe and email lol. It’s the only form of commicaton she’ll respond to. But she is normal in person.

I’m sure they can find a compromise.

 

[niknakmac]

It sounds to me like she is in a relationship. She can't answer the phone, ghosts him via text for hours. Who has time for this? He is 39, he isn't hip to game yet?

 

[Gin&Tonic]

Somewhere there is a woman who would love to talk to your friend on the phone.

People are out here making relationships way to hard ...

 

[Evolving78]

Somewhere there is a woman who would love to talk to your friend on the phone.

People are out here making relationships way to hard ...

Exactly! People feed off of drama.

 

[VictoriousBrownFlower]

Somewhere there is a woman who would love to talk to your friend on the phone.

People are out here making relationships way to hard ...

I agree and at the end of the day everyone's idea of what a deal breaker is is personal. I don't know I just don't see talking on the phone as a big deal in the beg especially because for 1) not everyone is into talking on the phone whether it's for anxiety reasons or just personal preference. 2) and most important (this is why I don't like talking to men on the phone in the beg) ALOT OF MEN AREN"T TALKERS!!!! Having a convo with a man in the beg stages of courtship is like pulling teeth sometimes for me. I be feeling like I have to keep the convo alive. They be wanting to bother you for nothing (even in text) talking about

Them: Hey (knowin damn well they aint got nan to say)
Me: Hey what's up
Them: Nothin
Me: Oh cool so what you up too today?
Them: Nothin
Me: You not going anywhere it's a beautiful day out you should enjoy it
Them: Na just chillin
Me: Oh okay ()

To me it's like why be bothered? Call/text me when you got something to say. Other than that I'd really rather see you than have awkward forced convo.

 

[LongiLox]

Why pursue anything at all with a person who has those types of problems? Hate to sound cold but get real. First she can't be on the phone, next she can't sit in cars cause because somebody once drove her to a place she didn't want to be. ***

I don’t know if you meant for that to be funny....

 

[sgold04]

I wonder what kind of jobs people have that allows them to text throughout the day. I will go hours without checking my phone because I have meetings and tasks to execute on, plus I don’t like to be on my phone if I’m around people (friends, coworkers, etc).

I prefer face-to-face meetings. Phone calls are “meh” FaceTime is even more annoying cuz now I gotta hold the phone up to see you....I say all this to say 1. If she’s spending time with him in person then I wouldn’t rule her out, but 2. If frequent calls/texts/FaceTime is what he values, then he should find someone else who also prefers constant contact.

 

[Mai Tai]

Friend has recently started dating a woman who says due to some trauma with her stalking ex bf can’t speak on the phone ,he tried to face time her and she wouldn’t answer or acknowledge the call ,when they text she drops the conversation for hours . He sent her a video msg saying he misses her she
Replied saying hearing his voice is making her missing him . Still no call .
I said to him I think it’s very odd for someone in their 30’s not to be able to at least use Skype to chat,I think it’s an excuse for lack of interest . He thinks she’s very interested because she
Introduced him to her best friend.
He defended her saying everyone deal with trauma differently and doesn’t want to think negatively but if she
Can’t speak over the phone it would be a deal breaker . I agreed with him and told him to tell her how he feels and that IMO she s playing games . He attacked me saying I’m not helping and making him very anxious and hung up on me.
He’s 39 she’s 30

I see absolutely nothing wrong with the bolded. He is not entitled to her time, endless text conversations, and unsolicited FaceTime is a huge invasion of privacy.

You seem more concerned about this then he does evidence by his defense of her.

He doesn't need help he (or you) needs boundaries.

 

[Kindheart]

I see absolutely nothing wrong with the bolded. He is not entitled to her time, endless text conversations, and unsolicited FaceTime is a huge invasion of privacy.

You seem more concerned about this then he does evidence by his defense of her.

He doesn't need help he (or you) needs boundaries.

Nah he doesn’t feel entitled her to answer its the lack of acknowledgement and not calling back that baffled him. Normally if someone calls you d say something alonge the lines “sorry I missed your call I was busy “ or just call back without texting. It’s out of politeness . The only times people don’t do that is when they don’t care about the person calling I can’t reach that conclusion as I don’t know the woman.

 

[VictoriousBrownFlower]

Nah he doesn’t feel entitled her to answer its the lack of acknowledgement and not calling back that baffled him. Normally if someone calls you d say something alonge the lines “sorry I missed your call I was busy “ or just call back without texting. It’s out of politeness . The only times people don’t do that is when they don’t care about the person calling I can’t reach that conclusion as I don’t know the woman.

I don't know I may be wrong for it but I'm like that. I won't reply to you til I'm ready to talk to you because if I do I know I'll be obligated to talk to you for however long you want. Once you get on the phone you're obligated to sit there until the convo is done, or you feel there's a way you can politely slip in the excuses of I'm sorry I have such and such to do (which is never true) I have to go. For some people it's just easier to call when you're ready not them. Everyone is different and especially in the beg because they aren't in a relationship (just courting). There should be respect for that. I don't see what she's doing as disinterest or disrespect just her being true to herself and taking her time. Doing things in a natural way for her personality which is not game.

For me if I'm disinterested I DO NOT TALK TO YOU AT ALL. You call I avoid you. You text I never reply. If on the off chance I pick up (which would be by accident) I'd be cordial but act VERY indifferent, but I don't waste time and have little patient for pretending connection that at that point isn't there. Even if there's a chance for one. Until we have a established connection I'd prefer to talk like once a wk with a couple of here and there texts to say what's up for a couple seconds. Once the connection is established and I feel it I can talk for hrs though. So don't give up on it just know where it stands. You're just courting and don't have a connection yet. Give it time to grow and let it happen naturally. If he wants more than she's willing to give and can't accept that, he should move on.

Basically I said all that to say she prob is interested just taking it slow, on her time and that's okay. If he really feels something and wants to pursue it try cuz you never know until you know.