Help out my little sis...Advice please!

[aribell]

I told my sister about the wealth of insight and experience on here and she said it was okay to post her situation. It's longish.

So, she's a college student preparing to go to medical school in a year or so. This has always been her dream and her plan, and she's following through with it.

She met BF 2 years ago, they've been seriously and consistently together since then. He's 4 years her senior and hadn't finished his college degree yet. He had taken some classes, failed others, stopped, etc. He was just working. She told him upfront that he had till she graduated to finish his degree. Fast forward 2 years, he's taking one or two classes at a time, has only like 6 more classes before he can graduate, but still says it's just not for him and he wants to just leave. He claims he's going to finish, though, but for his mother and for my sister. But he said he would be done before now and that hasn't manifested itself like he said.

They went ring shopping. My sis says that he treats her extremely well and is a good man. He has told her that he will follow her wherever she goes to school. He has also said that he will support her in the process of getting that degree. But, the main issue she is having is answering whether or not their disparate levels of ambition will bother her down the line. His parents are very well off and give him everything (he drives a Lexus SUV that he did not pay for), so he really doesn't have to be concerned about making his own life.

There's also the question of trusting that he will keep his word on that. If they get married and oops, he just doesn't finish his degree, or he decides he actually doesn't want to move to x place, or whatever...her plans will be made subject to him.

So I guess the question is how you know at a young age whether something like this is a dealbreaker or not? Our mother is dead set against it, insists that it will end in divorce, even though she thinks he's a good guy. Everyone's dealbreakers are personal, but maybe there's something that other people see in the situation that are red flags.

What would you tell your sister or daughter or friend?

 

[brownelovely]

Well, you can't make someone interested in school if they aren't. I've encourages ex's to go and they simply weren't interested. College isn't for everyone and that may be something your sister has to accept if she stays with him.

 

[mscocoface]

If she is having these feelings she should not get married or at the very least have a very long engagement or postpone it.

One of the things a marriage counselor would tell her which I strongly suggest they both go to. It does not have to be someone who is religious even, but, she has to ask herself if he NEVER changes if he stays exactly the way he is right now, would she be okay with that man for the rest of her life JUST THE WAY HE IS?

People can tell you all the things they are going to do but NOTHING is promised. So you have to be okay with where he is right now and if that is giving her pause for cause then hold up on the ring shopping continue doing what she is doing and see if in a year or two he will make the changes for himself.

If it is bothering her now, trust it will bother her later down the line.

 

[JustKiya]

She gave him til when she graduated to finish his degree. She set an expectation, and he failed to live up to it. I wouldn't set a precedent at this point of being okay with failures in HUGE things - esp. if he agreed to it!

Just from this little bit you've told us, he doesn't have ambition, he's spoiled by his parents, he can't support himself, much less a family, and he doesn't live up to his agreements.

He's showing her who he is. Maybe he'll have matured by the time she's out of med school, but there is no. way. in. hell. they should get married now.

 

[rere32]

She needs to finish her goals in life before she gets married to him. They will be living to different lifestyles and it may cause problems. She will be constantly studying which would take away from their quality time together. Being in medical school is not easy, it involves constant studying and researching. So, while she is trying to do her thing with school he will probably be out there doing his thing. I wouldn't advise getting married at that time. Now, after she finishes her degree and he is still around and he held up to his end of the deal, then go ahead and get married..

 

[misstobz]

If she is having these feelings she should not get married or at the very least have a very long engagement or postpone it.

One of the things a marriage counselor would tell her which I strongly suggest they both go to. It does not have to be someone who is religious even, but, she has to ask herself if he NEVER changes if he stays exactly the way he is right now, would she be okay with that man for the rest of her life JUST THE WAY HE IS?

People can tell you all the things they are going to do but NOTHING is promised. So you have to be okay with where he is right now and if that is giving her pause for cause then hold up on the ring shopping continue doing what she is doing and see if in a year or two he will make the changes for himself.

If it is bothering her now, trust it will bother her later down the line.

I think this is definitely a THE question that she should ask herself. I have friends who call and complain and complain about their SOs who they are considering marrying. This is who he is, either you accept it or your dont. At some point you have to face the reality of who he truly is and make a choice, and not make a choice based on who you hope he will become or his perceived potential.
Easier said than done of course, but the earlier you ask yourself the hard questions the less heartache and time wasted.

Hope you sister finds the advice given here useful

 

[Keen]

Is a man with a degree really that important to him? She needs to accept him for who he is. If he say school is not for him, you can't force him to think otherwise. Maybe she should be asking what is he planning to do with his life if he does not get a degree and see if she can live with that.

 

[JustKiya]

Is a man with a degree really that important to him? She needs to accept him for who he is. If he say school is not for him, you can't force him to think otherwise. Maybe she should be asking what is he planning to do with his life if he does not get a degree and see if she can live with that.

You know, honestly for me, it's not even the degree, itself. It's the fact that he agreed to do something that she considered majorly important, and didn't do it.

It would be different had he agreed, then came back to her and said "College just isn't for me, instead I'm going to do XYZ, and my goals are ABC." Nah. He wasn't even honest enough - with her or himself - to do that. He just fiddlefaddled about for two years.

I dunno. Lack of follow-through/responsibility/reliability is a really major thing for me. If I can't trust you to do what you agreed to do, how can I trust you to do anything at all?

 

[TayMac]

What are his goals? I'd say just focus on herself and school and see where he is later if she choses. He seems lazy and that's not an attractive trait. Are his parents going to support him financially forever?

 

[Poohbear]

I agree with Keen and brownelovely... it's true that you can't force someone to get a college degree. Plus, why do a lot of people make it like getting a college degree is the only thing that makes you an ambitious and worthy person of marriage? What if he goes through all these schooling and doesn't get the job/career in his degree and is struggling paying back student loans? What will she say then? But I'm also wondering, does this man have a relatively secure and stable job that pays pretty decent money? If so, she shouldn't complain.

 

[hopeful]

We need more details. Does he have some type of skill that makes it possible for him to make a decent living without finishing college? If he marries will his parents assume she will take care of him like they do? Does she love him enough to happily be the breadwinner in the home and carry the financial load? I ask this because while his parents take care of him, that does not mean they will support him and a wife. Will she be embarrassed to have an uneducated, spoiled husband after she becomes a doctor?

I know I asked a lot of questions but your sister needs to ask herself a lot of questions. I personally would not date a man that needed to be encouraged to finish school, go to work, or be ambitious. I don't have the patience AND it's just not fair to either of them. She is wasting her breath. And he is being put down for being himself. Accept him for who is or leave him alone. He has clearly stated it's not for him. Some very successful women are quite happy with less ambitious men. Only your sister knows if she can live with the kind of person her bf is for a lifetime.

 

[lux10023]

I agree college is not for everyone---and based on the other details in the story--all else is well in the relationship...
you can be ambitious and it doesnt have to equal go to college---

i agree with the poster who stated well what exactly is he going to do with the rest of his life--once we find out that now we can see what kind of future career-wise he will have....

college is not for everyone---and doesnt measure how successful u will be in life...

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Is a man with a degree really that important to him? She needs to accept him for who he is. If he say school is not for him, you can't force him to think otherwise. Maybe she should be asking what is he planning to do with his life if he does not get a degree and see if she can live with that.

Yes is is that important. You want to be with someone equally yoked as you. And yes not having a degree was fine 10 years ago, but today you need to have a degree to even be a friggin garbage truck driver. What if she gets into an accident and is unable to work for some tme down the line, if her husband isn't living out of mommy and daddy's pocket...he will have no way to support her. I don't care what he's doing with his life right now if he doesn't have a degree because he has nothing to fall back on if the what ifs pop up.

I would stick my ground. We all have characteristics in what we want in a man. I would give him another year to make plans and achieve him or throw him the decues, continue with medi school and leave. Sometimes all it takes is to know you're serious by leaving.

But I guess my perspective is skewed. My mother father, grandparents on both sides, and a majority of aunts and uncles are professors or teachers. Not having an education is not an option in my house.

 

[Carrie A]

Who wants a guy that can't follow through and stand on his own two feet- who plans to depend on Mommy and Daddy. He might be cool to date but is he really able to support her? Where is he working and what are his plans?

 

[aribell]

......................................

 

[pisceschica]

Yes is is that important. You want to be with someone equally yoked as you. And yes not having a degree was fine 10 years ago, but today you need to have a degree to even be a friggin garbage truck driver. What if she gets into an accident and is unable to work for some tme down the line, if her husband isn't living out of mommy and daddy's pocket...he will have no way to support her. I don't care what he's doing with his life right now if he doesn't have a degree because he has nothing to fall back on if the what ifs pop up.

I would stick my ground. We all have characteristics in what we want in a man. I would give him another year to make plans and achieve him or throw him the decues, continue with medi school and leave. Sometimes all it takes is to know you're serious by leaving.

But I guess my perspective is skewed. My mother father, grandparents on both sides, and a majority of aunts and uncles are professors or teachers. Not having an education is not an option in my house.

I agree. If its important to her to have someone that has a degree then she can't shortchange herself or pretend she is ok with someone who doesn't have one.

I personally don't view a degree as a measure of intelligence, because I see a lot of dumb people with degrees. I view it as a measure of employability, especially in the case of minorities.

I think if the guy can show that he is able to commit to a skilled trade that would allow him to not only comfortably support himself but also her and any children they should have.

You can't make someone into something they are not especially when they have absolutely no desire to be that something. I would tell her to break it off and date other people. If its meant to be then they will be together again if not then its not.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I think she should focus on her education and see what he does with himself while she is in school. If he is ready to start having kids soon, she needs to be super duper careful if they are sexually active. Especially if he knows she is on the fence about being in the relationship.

 

[ambergirl]

In the long term, it really depends on what your sister wants in a husband. Sounds like he has a history of being taken care of and is probably looking for that in a partner. Sometimes this works and some women don't mind that kind of relationship. But there's a difference between having a man who supports your dreams and one who is just along for the ride.

Yeah it seems like there are some red flags in this situation. I don't think having a college degree is the end all and be all of achievement or ambition but I would want to be with a man who seemed committed to working and providing for his family. Not sure that's where he's at.

Also, even though he thinks he's fully supportive, few men can actually handle being in a relationship with a wife who out performs them in traditionally "male" areas like work and income.

Can she talk to him about her reservations and how she honestly feels about his apparent lack of ambition?

 

[ladysaraii]

I agree with a lot of the responses as far as lack of follow through and no evidence that is able to rpovide for himself.

But about the degree, ok college isn't for everyone. but. He has 6 classes left. At this point I'm gong to need him to man up and finish.

He needs to do some deep soul searching about his life plans, what he plans to do, and what role he sees himself undertaking in the marriage. That's where the marriage counseling would come in.

But if I were her, I'd listen to your mother. there is no rush to get married and she needs to be sure before she makes a big decision.

 

[aribell]

Thank you all for the perspectives.

 

[panamoni]

Your mother is right. When people show you who they are, believe them. If he hasn't followed through on a major promise yet, I don't buy he's going to be comfortable with that "I'll follow you wherever you go" line. It's going to get tired, and for someone who is used to having things his way and the world revolving around him...following your sister will not be a priority for long. I don't think it's a good idea for them to get married.

 

[donna894]

Don't know if this has been mentioned or not, but whatever traits, behaviors, etc. that are bothering her now, will become tenfold, that is will drive her nuts if/when they marry.

 

[xquisitduchess]

I go to school at a medical center with all health majors i have seen situations like this it is not going to work....he is not going to understand why she has to study 10,12,14 hours a day...i have seen people who date other people who are college graduates and they still have issues because they never had to study as much for their degrees....he is going to feel like she is putting school first and if she tries to put more time into her relationship she might fail out of school..... bcuz something has to give... she is going to need someone closer to her level school wise or someone who is extremely understanding who has a lot going for them that way they are both really busy.

 

[Theo]

I have a classmate who is dating her high school sweetheart and he never finished college. He has a job though, that he takes pretty seriously, his salary is decent and has lots of potential for growth. Personally, it wouldn't be me, but they make it work.

I've also seen relationships where both people have grad degrees and it just not work out at all.

It really depends on the couple. I think both people have to see if their long term goals line up with each other. Also, will she be able to respect him in the long run?

As medical student myself, I would find it very difficult to respect a partner who lacked the initiative and ambition to finish college, especially if he's had everything handed to him. I'm around my classmates all the time. They are all very smart, highly motivated, hard working people. Being around them all day, and then coming home to a dude like that in the evening would grate my nerves. I have classmates who have parents who are multi-millionaires, like these people own jets, vineyards, art galleries etc. but they still chose to apply themselves so that they can contribute to society.

I understand she cares about him a lot, but I don't think they should be thinking about marriage to seriously just yet. It sounds like he has some growing up to do.

 

[brownelovely]

Yes is is that important. You want to be with someone equally yoked as you. And yes not having a degree was fine 10 years ago, but today you need to have a degree to even be a friggin garbage truck driver. What if she gets into an accident and is unable to work for some tme down the line, if her husband isn't living out of mommy and daddy's pocket...he will have no way to support her. I don't care what he's doing with his life right now if he doesn't have a degree because he has nothing to fall back on if the what ifs pop up.

I would stick my ground. We all have characteristics in what we want in a man. I would give him another year to make plans and achieve him or throw him the decues, continue with medi school and leave. Sometimes all it takes is to know you're serious by leaving.

But I guess my perspective is skewed. My mother father, grandparents on both sides, and a majority of aunts and uncles are professors or teachers. Not having an education is not an option in my house.

Fact is, when you set up such high standards and then can't find someone to match them.... Education is important but it should never determine if a person is worthy of your time. If a person is willing to work hard and go out of their way to help provide...in the end that what matters the most.

These days people with and without degrees are unemployed so having one doesn't automatically give you a pass.

 

[shenitab]

Here is my perspective. I think that she is in a place right now where she needs to continue to focus on her goals. I'm not sure if she is moving away to go to medical school, if so she needs to tell dude to stay where he is until he finishes. Some people are not cut out for/interested in college. My brother is under 40, retired from the military, currently works in corrections and is living fabulously with his wife and three kids.

While dude agreed to finish school, as she says it is important to her, she did not hold him to a date to finish. She could have cut it off back then when she saw that he was lollygagging. However, it is not always easy to work full time and go to school. What type of job does he have? Can he support a family on that income based on whatever it will be in a few years? Does he stay employed or is he a job hopper? Does he do well at his job or is he lazy?

As far as his parents, how MUCH do they help him? How old is he? Are they helping him while he is in school? Are they controlling? I don't think that parents helping is bad per se. It depends. My parents helped while I was in school. They didn't help with EVERYTHING when I was a older student but I can't say that they never helped.

Sometimes people are able to make situations like this work out. There are married female doctors who pretty much have househusbands while their kids are young and when the kids get older the husband pretty much has primary responsibility over them since the wife has a higher income. I think it is something to think about. If both parents have very demanding schedules with hours subject to change, it can be hard on the child.

I don't know. I would say, don't get married anytime soon. Pursue the medical degree and let him get in where he fits in for now.

By the way.I don't think there is a problem with a college graduate dating someone who is not a college graduate. There are many successful people who never graduated from college. And there are jobs/careers that do not require a college degree but pay enough to support a family. For example, UPS drivers make GOOD money, also people who study a trade (may require schooling/and or on the job training) but not a college degree. Have any of you ever needed your air conditioning, heating system repaired, or refrigerator repaired. They can make boo-koo dollars. Let alone, getting some work done on your car.

 

[HappilyLiberal]

She gave him til when she graduated to finish his degree. She set an expectation, and he failed to live up to it. I wouldn't set a precedent at this point of being okay with failures in HUGE things - esp. if he agreed to it!

Just from this little bit you've told us, he doesn't have ambition, he's spoiled by his parents, he can't support himself, much less a family, and he doesn't live up to his agreements.

He's showing her who he is. Maybe he'll have matured by the time she's out of med school, but there is no. way. in. hell. they should get married now.

You said it better than I ever could. She needs to make her medical school plans, go, and let him finish and follow her. Let's see if he can be more committed if he sees she is ready to walk.

What is going to happen if something wipes out his parents fortune? How is he going to support a family?

 

[FoxxyLocs]

haven't read all the responses, but it's really not about whether he has a degree or not. if he were a hard working young man with his own business, a career, or something going for himself to show that he can support a family, that would be one thing.

this guy appears to be still living off of his wealthy parents. surely he doesn't expect them to take care of him and his wife? if your sister marries him he will go from mooching off of his parents to mooching off of her. if she's cool with that then she should go for it.

being "nice" DOES NOT make somebody a good man. a good man handles his business, keeps his word, and provides for his family. he hasn't shown that he can do that, therefore he is not a good man. he's a lazy MF. but that's just my opinion.