Help! My husband wants a divorce but I want to go to counseling first

[BreAhhnNa]

I know I'm not active on this forum but I really need some advice.

So we've had our ups and downs over the 5 years we've been together. We've talked about separating before but we always managed to work things out. I've been wanting to go to counseling so we could learn to communicate better but he never seemed interested. His dad, a pastor, even offered to counsel us early on.

A few days ago he told me that he wants a divorce and he is firm on his decision. Again, I suggested that we go to counseling but he doesn't want to. And because we live in California, he doesn't really need my consent to go through with the divorce.

Is there anything you ladies think I can do to get him to agree to going to counseling?

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Did he say WHY he wants the divorce?

 

[TayMac]

I think it would depend on the reason he wants the divorce as stated. We don't know his personality or y'alls situation.

Is it possible he is seeing someone else already? If he has been resistant to counseling from the start, it doesn't sound he was "all in" the marriage for a while. Marriage counseling is only effective IMO if you have two committed partners working towards the same goal. However, you can still do counseling alone to benefit yourself.

Very sorry OP.

 

[Holla]

Has he always been the one to initiate a separation? Have you been the one to primarily talk about getting back together and keep the marriage going? Do you have kids together?
How long did you date before getting married?

I agree that you should seek a counselor alone even if he agrees to go later on. There is something to be said about multiple talks of separating over a short five-year marriage and him wanting to end it now without consideration of what you want (i.e., it ain't mutual). A counselor can help you to understand why you want to hold on to a man who wants to leave and what you can do to let go or to help him get through this.

Good luck OP!

 

[tru4reele]

If a man is adamant about leaving there is nothing you can do to change that. His heart may not be in it anymore. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Men usually find out they made the wrong decision later on down the road. Then they come crawling back looking pathetic...okay let me stop.

 

[beautylicious]

If a man is adamant about leaving there is nothing you can do to change that. His heart may not be in it anymore. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Men usually find out they made the wrong decision later on down the road. Then they come crawling back looking pathetic...okay let me stop.

I agree with the above. I would like to recommend counseling for yourself.

 

[sunnieb]

With just the info in the OP.......

*go to counseling by yourself -- do not get counseled by your father-in-law

*start getting your ish together. Contact a lawyer, keep some cash on hand, open your own bank account he doesn't know about. Change your direct deposit. Like a previous poster said, when a man comes at his WIFE like this, he's pretty much already made up his mind.

And my not so nice response:

How TF is a husband gonna fix his mouth to say he wants a divorce and not say why? I don't know what kind of stuff he on, but he is on some stuff.

He refuses to work on the marriage too? Damn! Not even a 'Baby, I'm not happy' 'Baby, I don't feel connected to you anymore' 'Baby we going in different directions' -- something!!!

I don't know you, but MY personality is to never fight for a damn man. He want to leave, then peace out fool! I got this.

 

[BreAhhnNa]

Did he say WHY he wants the divorce?

He says he's not happy. I don't believe it's the relationship. I believe he's unhappy with were he is in life. He has had a lot of trouble finding a job and when he does find a job, it is always temporary work.

 

[DarkJoy]

He says he's not happy. I don't believe it's the relationship. I believe he's unhappy with were he is in life. He has had a lot of trouble finding a job and when he does find a job, it is always temporary work.

May I ask how old he is? Could be a midlife thing from the sounds of it.

 

[sunnieb]

He says he's not happy. I don't believe it's the relationship. I believe he's unhappy with were he is in life. He has had a lot of trouble finding a job and when he does find a job, it is always temporary work.

So is he unhappy with you or just his life situation? This is a time for ya'll to pull together, not apart. He doesn't understand that?

 

[*CherryPie*]

It sucks that he's trying to divorce you around the holidays. Even if he's depressed, he has got to know that that's wrong and heartless.

 

[BreAhhnNa]

I think it would depend on the reason he wants the divorce as stated. We don't know his personality or y'alls situation. Is it possible he is seeing someone else already? If he has been resistant to counseling from the start, it doesn't sound he was "all in" the marriage for a while. Marriage counseling is only effective IMO if you have two committed partners working towards the same goal. However, you can still do counseling alone to benefit yourself. Very sorry OP.

No, he's not seeing anybody else. He has been texting a few people that he has met online within the last couple weeks.

Yes, I agree that we both have to be willing to go to counseling. But when I brought the idea up before we weren't in a bad place. I just wanted to go to improve our relationship as much as we could and communicate better.

Yes, I'll be seeking counseling soon.

 

[BreAhhnNa]

Has he always been the one to initiate a separation? Have you been the one to primarily talk about getting back together and keep the marriage going? Do you have kids together? How long did you date before getting married? I agree that you should seek a counselor alone even if he agrees to go later on. There is something to be said about multiple talks of separating over a short five-year marriage and him wanting to end it now without consideration of what you want (i.e., it ain't mutual). A counselor can help you to understand why you want to hold on to a man who wants to leave and what you can do to let go or to help him get through this. Good luck OP!

No, we both talked about it but agreed to just start dating each other again and start fresh.

Yes, I've been the one who talks about staying together. I'm the one in the relationship that has always been willing to do whatever it takes while he doesn't seem to be willing to work as hard.

No, we don't have children.

We dated for a year.

Yes, I'll talk to one soon.

I think the talks were mainly because he couldn't find a job and felt that he needed to work on himself and become a better provider.

I'm hoping that I can benefit from counseling. I think a huge part of why I want to stay together is that I'm a problem solver and I don't want to break my vows. Whereas he gives up really easy and seems to run from problems.

 

[Urban]

No, he's not seeing anybody else. He has been texting a few people that he has met online within the last couple weeks.

Yes, I agree that we both have to be willing to go to counseling. But when I brought the idea up before we weren't in a bad place. I just wanted to go to improve our relationship as much as we could and communicate better.

Yes, I'll be seeking counseling soon.

These are one in the same to me really. He's making time to communicate with other potentials and not giving your marriage the time of day.

I'm questioning whether he's really the right man for you and that you deserve better. IA with the other ladies who recommended counselling and working on how you can let go of him since he doesn't seem to want you.

 

[BreAhhnNa]

If a man is adamant about leaving there is nothing you can do to change that. His heart may not be in it anymore. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Men usually find out they made the wrong decision later on down the road. Then they come crawling back looking pathetic...okay let me stop.

Yes, I know I'm just shocked that he actually wants to do this instead of working through things. I understand that we haven't been married that long but five years is something to me. It's still time that I spent with someone whom I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with and whom would be the father of my children. So I'm still hurt that he doesn't want to mutually work on things. Also I can't help but to think it's an ego thing. I think he is ashamed that he hasn't been able to achieve what he thought he would have by now but we're both still young and still have time.

Lol my grandparents divorced about 20 years ago and always regretted it until the day they died. So I definitely don't want us to act too soon and feel that same way.

 

[BreAhhnNa]

With just the info in the OP....... *go to counseling by yourself -- do not get counseled by your father-in-law *start getting your ish together. Contact a lawyer, keep some cash on hand, open your own bank account he doesn't know about. Change your direct deposit. Like a previous poster said, when a man comes at his WIFE like this, he's pretty much already made up his mind. And my not so nice response: How TF is a husband gonna fix his mouth to say he wants a divorce and not say why? I don't know what kind of stuff he on, but he is on some stuff. He refuses to work on the marriage too? Damn! Not even a 'Baby, I'm not happy' 'Baby, I don't feel connected to you anymore' 'Baby we going in different directions' -- something!!! I don't know you, but MY personality is to never fight for a damn man. He want to leave, then peace out fool! I got this.

Yes, I've been trying to get things together.

I honestly think he really needs to talk to a counselor by himself as well. He has a lot of issues that have come from his childhood and he has held on to these issues long before we got married. I'm just not sure why he thinks that getting divorced will allow him to work on himself. I've let him know several times that I'm here for him and will help him in whatever way he needs me to. Lol he definitely is on something because what he says doesn't make sense. Yep, he refuses to work on the marriage and says he needs to work on himself but hasn't started yet.

Yeah, I thought I was that way too but now after five years I feel that I at least owe one last fight to our relationship and marriage.

 

[BreAhhnNa]

May I ask how old he is? Could be a midlife thing from the sounds of it.

He's 24. I think it could be a quarter life crisis.

 

[BreAhhnNa]

So is he unhappy with you or just his life situation? This is a time for ya'll to pull together, not apart. He doesn't understand that?

I think it's with his life situation because a couple weeks ago he told me that he was planning something for our anniversary.

Yes, I completely agree. I want us to pull together. I take that "for better or worse" line very serious and that's why I'm so willing to fight for this. I think this is a test for our marriage.

 

[BreAhhnNa]

It sucks that he's trying to divorce you around the holidays. Even if he's depressed, he has got to know that that's wrong and heartless.

Yes, it does. And I have finals coming up because I'm still in school. I can't even manage to take my mind off our marriage long enough to work on my final projects.

 

[CityGirlLuv]

I'm going to say this, not out of being rude, but just wanting to be straight honest with you. You say what you think he needs (which may be true), but ultimately he has made up his mind. It sucks really, and I know it's heartbreaking to hear, but right now you have got to think about yourself and look after yourself. He's 24. He'll (in due time) figure out his needs and how to adjust accordingly.

Let me just say, I do agree 100% on working things out and I'm not faulting you at all for wanting to exhaust everything before throwing in the towel; however, you have ONE person here making an effort to repair a marriage while it seems as if the other has checked out already.

I do wish you luck though!

 

[BreAhhnNa]

These are one in the same to me really. He's making time to communicate with other potentials and not giving your marriage the time of day. I'm questioning whether he's really the right man for you and that you deserve better. IA with the other ladies who recommended counselling and working on how you can let go of him since he doesn't seem to want you.

Yeah, I know but it's definitely hard. I'm going to get counseling next week.

 

[BreAhhnNa]

I'm going to say this, not out of being rude, but just wanting to be straight honest with you. You say what you think he needs (which may be true), but ultimately he has made up his mind. It sucks really, and I know it's heartbreaking to hear, but right now you have got to think about yourself and look after yourself. He's 24. He'll (in due time) figure out his needs and how to adjust accordingly. Let me just say, I do agree 100% on working things out and I'm not faulting you at all for wanting to exhaust everything before throwing in the towel; however, you have ONE person here making an effort to repair a marriage while it seems as if the other has checked out already. I do wish you luck though!

Thank you. I know I need to take care of myself and that's exactly what I plan to do. It's sad but yes, I would be the one making an effort.

 

[Holla]

OP, I applaud you for wanting to give it everything you got. More couples should IMO.

At the same time, it must be exhausting. Mentally tiring to be the one to constantly cajole another and to be the glue in the marriage. Plus, I believe he's passive aggressive and this is the ultimate sign of it. He keeps separating (and is now throwing out divorce) as a way to get attention and feel like he has the upper hand in a marriage where he otherwise feels powerless as a semi-provider. He has to work on that whether he stays married or not.

Your grandparents regretted their divorce but their relationship was different from your own in many ways I'm sure. You can't compare your marriage to theirs.

Perhaps you should make a list. Pros/cons to divorce - one for you and one that you believe would be from his perspective. One his side, I would add the following: he barely turned a man at 18, dated a nice woman for a year, and got married around age 19. Then he became a husband and provider, but not really the latter bc he's struggled with employment for five years. That's a con to him and you already recognize that.

If he doesn't want to go to counseling, then there's nothing you can do. You can't make a grown man do something he doesn't want to do. Plus you shouldn't have to do so. Both people should approach the situation with the mindset to exhaust all possibilities before divorce in a situation like this one. Otherwise, it's exhausting being the one trying to keep it together.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I hope everything works out for you. Work on you and take care of yourself.

 

[LiftedUp]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Maybe he doesn't want think that he can achieve what he wants or become the person he wants to become while married to you. I think that the commitment to marriage and relationship need to become before the marriage.

You cannot make someone work on something that they do not want to work on. He needs to willingly want to go to counselling and willingly want to use counselling as a tool for the improvement of your marriage.

At this point, I'd say to pray for your marriage and relationship and go to counselling on your own.

All the bet :hugs:

 

[sunnieb]

Thanks for providing more info.

My original advice stands though. Go to counseling by yourself, get your ish together, and contact a lawyer.

It doesn't mean you are divorcing him right now. However, you must take care of yourself. You have let him know you're there for him and you are willing to ride this out.

But what is 'this' never ends? What if a year from now he still talking about divorce? How will your mental and emotional state be then?

Sent from my SCH-I545 using LHCF

 

[SimplyWhole]

Suggestion that counseling will help both of you not repeat the same mistakes in the future.

 

[Natty_Virgo]

Sorry u are going through this

Speaking as someone on the other side of things, he might change his mind. I would say since you are the woman, if he wants to go, let him and just continue taking care of urself.

I wanted a divorce like a right right now get out I'm sick of even being around u divorce and he finally convinced me after much pleading to try counseling one last time. We went and plan to go again in a few weeks.

The only thing that really bothers me about ur post is his dealing with other women online. For me, that would be a deal breaker. Hope u find peace in all of this no matter what the outcome is.

 

[hopeful]

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with most of what has already been said. I would suggest that you stop worrying about him and thinking about his issues, etc. The best thing you can do IMO is to think about you and what the lesson is in this situation for you to learn.

Like many wives you seem more consumed with him and what he wants and his pain, etc. It is wonderful to be compassionate but that compassion should extend both ways, to you and to him. And he is a man, not a child. So whatever he's stressing over, ultimately it's his job to fix, not yours. Also, it's not your job to fix your marriage. It's a joint venture. And maybe it's not fair but I think the man's load should always be a tiny bit heavier. If you do nothing else, I would suggest you decide right here, right now, that you will not beg him or any man ever to stay with you. You are both very young and struggling. It sounds like you got married as teenagers which hardly ever works unfortunately because you are too young and unformed at that point. You don't know who you are yet.

If he's texting other women as a married man and asking for a divorce, I would let him go. I wouldn't help him or make it easy either. I wouldn't make it hard either. I would just get my ducks in a row. Make sure you got some money and have some place to stay where you are safe and loved. Try to center yourself. Don't send anger out into the universe. Try to focus on love and trust that you will be fine no matter how things turn out.

 

[God_Favor]

I know its hard, but you have to let him go. You can't keep someone that doesn't want to be kept. Free him and then free yourself, you will be able to have peace, and a clear mind.

If its meant to be he will come back, and who's knows getting the ball rolling on the divorce may have him taking second thoughts, but if not his loss.