Heart- Broken

[dark_lovely]

I recently broke up with my boyfriend who I have been dating for the last 6 years (on & off). We haven’t spoken for almost 2 months now. His mother decided to call me and give words of the wisdom to us mending our broken relationship. In a nut shell she tells me that all guys lie, are controlling and hide stuff so I should get over it b/c the next guy will do the same thing and how I should just go to church with him for spiritual guidance. (We actually were going to church together but I stopped and was looking for another church to go to) She tried to reassure me that she wasn’t saying this for the mere fact that my ex is her son. (WOW ... I was at a lost for words). When I broke up with him I doubted his faithfulness but I just found out that he was never faithful. (He’s my high school sweetheart and has met all of my family; they adore him) Me and the guy have been through hell and back and I was so in shock that I couldn’t shed tears. We always break up then make up and my family is not taking me seriously (I got rid of everything that reminds me of him and sold/ or threw away everything he gave me) Thanks to Facebook and mutual friends I’ve found out that:

§ He has been dating someone and the worst part is that I helped pick out her Christmas present when we where supposed to be shopping for his “mother’s gift” and my promise ring.

§ He stole money from me, I gave him my debit card to take money out and mysteriously $40 was dispensed instead of $20. He claimed the extra $20 probably came out and he didn’t notice it.

§ He was seeing this girl for almost year after he told me he had cut complete communication with her.

§ He tried to isolate me from any true / guy friends that thought I could do better than him

§ There’s pictures of them all over Facebook

§ Our anniversary is the same day as the girl he is dating birthday , I noticed he kept making excuses about not being sure we could spend it together I put two and two together.( he was supposed to be pledging)

What hurts the most is that I love this guy and I allowed him to continue to stay in my life although we had more bad than good times. There were so many times when I said let’s just end it and he fought so hard for me to stay … he even did so much as to try to jump out the window and he has a big tattoo with my nickname on his back (he always did extreme stuff to get me to stay but I don’t understand why he couldn’t simply let me go) I was fine with the broke up until I found out all this crap out. Now I’m distraught. When I with my friends and family I good, I’m myself but when I get alone I have those very sad moments of pure heart ache. I’ve been here before with this guy and I know there’s no turning back. I blocked him completely way before I found this stuff out and I’m proud of myself about that. I’m so upset, sad and disappointed in how allowed this to get to this point. I’m that type of person that keeps my emotions to myself and close friends, I hate showing emotions in public but it hurts so bad.

I have a guy friend (the complete opposite of the ex) who wants to date me but I think it’s a bad idea. He wants to get me out the house and not drowning in my sorrows. I’ve done jumping into a new relationship to heal the hurt of a previous one. So I haven’t really attempted anything with this guy we had a date but I cancelled I told him I was sad and that it was unfair that he wouldn’t get my full attention. I told him that I still love the ex and that I’m in the prepping steps of happiness. I just don’t know what to do??? I was told to take things slow and others have told me to go for it I don’t want to lose a good friend for being irrational about dating

Any words of wisdom, advice or something to ease the pain ???

I can’t wait until I can say and mean: It’s called the past cause I’m getting pass it and I ain’t nothing like I was before. You ought to see me now. Yes I was burned but I called it a Lesson Learned
- Alicia Keys

 

[Guitarhero]

Wow. There's a lot of heartbreak over here in this forum. I'll tell you what worked for me when I found out a boyfriend was cheating, I walked and walked until I exercised him out of my heart. Every time I would be restless, I would get out and walk it off for like an hour or so. If I felt bad again that day, I'd go and go until it was gone. Take yourself out and ur right, don't get with that other guy. U don't need that right now. U need U.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

It sounds like you were dating my ex. If he's from Queens, run woman, run for your life and change your number!!!!!!!


That woman... his mother... needs to stfu and hold her son accountable... not try and get you to tolerate her low standards for him and the men in HER life. Boo **** bye!

 

[hopeful]

((((hugs))))

 

[Prudent1]

I have a guy friend (the complete opposite of the ex) who wants to date me but I think it’s a bad idea. He wants to get me out the house and not drowning in my sorrows. I’ve done jumping into a new relationship to heal the hurt of a previous one. So I haven’t really attempted anything with this guy we had a date but I cancelled I told him I was sad and that it was unfair that he wouldn’t get my full attention. I told him that I still love the ex and that I’m in the prepping steps of happiness. I just don’t know what to do??? I was told to take things slow and others have told me to go for it I don’t want to lose a good friend for being irrational about dating

Any words of wisdom, advice or something to ease the pain ???
1st of all (((BIG HUG))).
Next, you are not being irrational. Jumping into relationships too soon is the mark of the immature. It takes a mature person to even contemplate taking a break/ time to get yourself together and ready for the next relationship. Now about his momma, Imma try to be nice, that is complete GARBAGE! Do you hear me? I had an ex's mom tell me the same thing years ago. That is not what she told her DD, that was not what she herself was willing to put up with. Not all men are like that. You don't have to settle. Let me tell you something else I wish someone had carefully explained to me when I was younger. It does not take a man 6 years to decide if you are the one. The longer we as women stay with them the more emotionally attached we become making it harder to think clear and leave if necessary. The more for granted they will take you for. Staying with someone who always has an excuse and or has proven before that he is a cheat, emotionally unavailable, or whatever will not make him change. Loving harder does not make a man change and commit. A man changes b/c he wants to change. ((Sends you e-hugs again)). Please take things slowly. Please do things that you enjoy and go learn some new ones in this process. Here is my wise advice, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." -Benjamin Franklin. When you have been emotionally involved things like making a decision to keep enjoying life will help but nothing will help like TIME(cure). For your next serious relationship, don't get emotionally involved before (prevention) throughly checking out a man's lifestyle including family and friends if you are marriage minded. And the guy friend, if he really cares about you, will wait and or be creative/ finding ways to be supportive when dealing with you if he is serious. Go on and cry when you need to. None of us is some invincible Superwoman. You are mourning the death of a relationship that was real to you. Just don't mourn too long (10 years later...) and don't punish future good men for what this one did/ was allowed to do(yep cause healing involves us seeing/ accepting our responsibilties too). Keep your head up... this too shall pass.

P1

 

[song_of_serenity]

Firstly, DON'T BELIEVE HIS MUM...ok? Not saying in ALL cases? But people learn from experience. For HER to say that? Who KNOWS what kind of man his father was (or what kind of men she had in the house) just a cheating, etc...and he may have SEEN and thinks it's ok because that was his upbringing!!

NOT ALL MEN CHEAT AND MISTREAT!!

Secondly, I am so, so, so sorry you're going through this. Know that you are not alone. As I always say, this kind of heartache is written on many of our pages! It's hard to believe the one you are with has been stepping out for all that time, weaving a web of lies, and you were so entangled in him, you didn't allow yourself to see the signs. Don't blame yourself.

Crying is normal. Hurting is normal. Feeling that soul ache is normal. what you are doing now, erasing him out of your life is GREAT. RESIST THE URGE TO KEEP PEEKING AND CHECKING UP ON HIM. It makes it WORSE, I know first hand! My ex would keep his myspace PUBLIC (it used to be private) because he KNEW I was reading and put on a good show! It's not worth it. He wrote himself out of your life, may it remain that way. He is NO GOOD.

The time will come where he will come back (as they ALWAYS DO) That is the only time I'd ask you to recall the pain you're feeling now. Remember it. Remember the time you put in, remember the embarrassment, the betrayal. Remember it all and DON'T let the "Well, maybe..." suck you in!

You will be ok...give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve the end of this relationship...and when you close the chapter of you and him, SO LET IT BE! *hugs*

Also, look for the "Healing hearts" thread here!!

 

[Kerryann]

His mother knew everything that was going on from get change your freaking number and leave sataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan alone

You will get over the hurt faster than you know it we all have to pass through scum bags to get to Mr.Right. Get over it and go hang with your homey a date doesnt mean a relationship that night so go have fun and relax you might be suprised at the amount of fun you have

 

[mscocoface]

Any words of wisdom, advice or something to ease the pain ???

You are doing the right thing. Let this toxic situation go and also teach you. Get some counselling if you need to. A good book to read is Women Who Love Too Much.

With regards to the pain, it is there for a reason. You will want to remember this pain when or if you every entertain the thought of wanting to get with him or anyone one else that shows these tendencies. That pain will remind you of the trial and tribulations.

What I am saying is go through it, get through it and don't forget it. But also do not let it become a part of you to were you will become bitter, and vengeful and untrusting of EVERY male that crosses your path.

Let this pain teach you. In time it will subside if you use it properly. I know of which I speak.

There is a bright side to this. All of this could have been taken place as a married couple with multiple children.

 

[MissYocairis]

Just want you to know that you are not alone. Keep your head up.

 

[Lenee925]

Well, the ex treated me very well, gave me a promise ring from Tiffany's that I never asked for and told me he loved me first. He opened doors for me from start to finish and never forgot to treat me well with gifts on all holidays. The problem was, all that was a cover-up for the mean, critical person he really was. He changed for the worse over the time we were together. I don't want to bad mouth him because I don't want to reap that...but he lied to me and himself. It didn't matter how much I did and tried to be, he wasn't thinking about getting married no time soon, all the while giving me lies I never asked for. He was diagnosed as having passive-aggressive behavior as a kid and never completed therapy so, if you google that you'll know what I went through. He also didn't appreciate that I told him I would never shack up with him without being engaged as that would make me look 10X more stupid. In the end I'm glad I never worshiped him as my idol, as it would have been harder to let what I thought a 'good man' was go.

Bottom line is this: Get over it. Get over him as fast as you can. Do not make a martyr out of this man. Write out all of the bad things he did to you or things about him you didn't like on a piece of paper. Get rid of everything he gave you. Put away all pictures until you decide whether or not to get rid of them. I don't believe in maintaining contact with an abuser and manipulative person. He was toxic to your life so treat him like he's a big mass of cancerous cells. Change your number if you have to so you don't wait for his call. Resist the urge to email or call him. DON'T DO IT. Go out with your guy friend. He knows you're a mess. Just go out. Get your self-worth back, it's OK to blame him. Don't allow depression and rejection to settle on you. I've learned that if a man truly loves you, it should never be that hard. There a good men out there who won't take advantage of your loyalty and virtue. Make another list of what you do want in a man. Refer to that list every time you start pining away for that "man". Force yourself to get out and enjoy your life even if you don't have fun at first. The act of doing so is healing.

Don't waste ANOTHER DAY in mourning for someone who don't want you!

 

[ThickHair]

^^^ My exhusband and one guy I dated since then was passive agressive. Add to the fact that the guy that I dated was a narcasstic (sp) passive agressive. Try that one on.

 

[Bmack]

I am so sorry this happened, but at least you blocked him out of your life before now- I would 1st ignore his mother (why the hell is she calling with that nonsense anyway), and move on. I would not get involved with the other guy, but there is nothing wrong with hanging out with a friend. You don't have to marry him-just hang out!!

Good luck babe, with time it will get easier.

 

[darlingdiva]

Wow. There's a lot of heartbreak over here in this forum. I'll tell you what worked for me when I found out a boyfriend was cheating, I walked and walked until I exercised him out of my heart. Every time I would be restless, I would get out and walk it off for like an hour or so. If I felt bad again that day, I'd go and go until it was gone. Take yourself out and ur right, don't get with that other guy. U don't need that right now. U need U.

I like this idea a lot!

I think that you should take this time to focus on you & do something to improve yourself. Find a hobby and pour yourself into it.

Also, DON'T get with that other guy. You need time to heal.

 

[soonergirl]

Wow, there are a lot of us that have been truly broken on here!! I used and still use a journal to document my feelings, it really helped. I deserve better and so do you.. God, didnt put us on this earth to be hurt. So, please dont settle, Im not.. Put yourself first, it may be hard at first, but take care of you first!!

 

[MissYocairis]

Wow. There's a lot of heartbreak over here in this forum. I'll tell you what worked for me when I found out a boyfriend was cheating, I walked and walked until I exercised him out of my heart. Every time I would be restless, I would get out and walk it off for like an hour or so. If I felt bad again that day, I'd go and go until it was gone. Take yourself out and ur right, don't get with that other guy. U don't need that right now. U need U.

This is a positively beautiful idea! Thank you for sharing it.

 

[Almaz]

Oh honey you have big hugs from Chicago. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I know that with time you will be okay and its okay to feel hurt and pain. But in the end I think that you are better off. Just do you right now.
As far as his mother is concerned she sounds like some of these chicks that will excuse bad behaviour from her son. And would probably cover for him too. I mean she HAD to have known that he was bringing another broad around.

Bad news she would have made a Horrible Mother in law.

Hopefully one day you will look back on this and say

WHAT WAS I THINKING

I am so glad to be out of this situation.

Hugs


Creole Nat that was is a WONDERFUL IDEA I am going to pass this on

 

[dimechiq]

When I read this

In a nut shell she tells me that all guys lie, are controlling and hide stuff so I should get over it b/c the next guy will do the same thing

I knew his moms wasn't much of anything. And likely neither was he.




When I saw this


§ He has been dating someone and the worst part is that I helped pick out her Christmas present when we where supposed to be shopping for his “mother’s gift” and my promise ring.

I was outdone.

*Hugging ya* Do know it will pass. I hope you feel better. I know you don't feel like it but start dating others to keep yourself from paining so much. It helps.

 

[dark_lovely]

It sounds like you were dating my ex. If he's from Queens, run woman, run for your life and change your number!!!!!!!


That woman... his mother... needs to stfu and hold her son accountable... not try and get you to tolerate her low standards for him and the men in HER life. Boo **** bye!

No, he from Brooklyn lol ... regardless I'm running

 

[dark_lovely]

Thanks to all the lovely women for their opinions and words of wisdom, you've helped in a simple but big way

The last couple of days I've been happy and emotionally peaceful .. I think I had to let my emotions out I'm so happy this forum gave me that chance

I've cried but when I'm done I feel energized and refreshed

One day at a time I'm getting passed it, my sister and cousin want revenge I think that's immature I just want to let the past stay in the past so it wont affect my future

I see no reason for contact :buttkick:
Ladies, I blocked all forms of communication from him and his mother before I wrote the thread and I'm sticking by my deicison. There nothing to be said that can take the pain away, it is what it is (So Im not hopelessly waiting for him to reach out and apologize) Sadly the ex is a replica of his father. Should have known the apples doesnt fall far from the tree.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Sadly the ex is a replica of his father. Should have known the apples doesnt fall far from the tree.

Didn't I call it? The cycle continues. And no wonder the mum felt that way...she probably saw HER daddy treating HER mother that way...pitiful on both ends. I'm glad you're staying strong!!

 

[ElizaBlue]

You are way too good for this man. He sounds a bit crazy. Trying to jump out a window and getting a make-up tat. I say no. There is a thin line between suicide and homicide and he might decide to cross it.

In the meantime when you find yourself thinking fondly of him and wondering if you made the right move, just imagine him servicing the jump off. I know that may seem hard at first but believe me it works.

I use to think I would never ever get over my ex. And would wonder what would happen if I ever ran across him in public. I'd imagine we'd embrace maybe even kiss. This was driving me crazy. Then I just replaced those thoughts with the thought of him and one of his case workers.

That was it. Well I did finally run into him and he did just that, tried to hug me and kiss me. Before I knew it I had thrown my hand up between us, blocking his lips from my face. I did not want those lips anywhere near me.