Headed for Divorce :-(

No, you are not stuck, but my question for you, is do you really feel these things are really worth initiating a divorce for. I am not encouraging you to stay in an unhappy marriage by any means, but what have you all done collectively to address your concerns?

Have you told him how you feel? Have you gone to marriage counseling? Does he even WANT to try to change these things about himself.
 
We have been to marriage counseling and he is willing to change but the sad part is I see him making the changes but it is not him and I feel bad because he is trying so hard. I have told him completely how I feel. We have had counseling with each other and with our pastor but I feel we are just going back and forth and letting it linger.
 
Although I am not legally married, my partner and I are in a similar situation. We have been together for 13 years and i realized he was not really what I wanted or needed in a man. I hung around for various reasons that I should not have played a part in my decision. I will not give you advice per se, because this is your decision. If I had to do it all over again, I would leave. Before too much time passed and my youth was not spent with someone who did not fulfull my needs and was not compatible on so many levels. I know that this would have been healthier mentally in the long run. In my very humble opinion, if you really know in your gut , that it's not best for you to stay, it will only be hurtful to you and him in the long run.
 
dede1129, do you have children? If not, time to bounce. If so, maybe you could give it a little bit more time/effort before making the final decision.
 
Thank you for this advice because as I was reading it I was thinking that is how I felt. I knwo in my heart that he is not what I need or want and I dont wanna hurt him or fake it for years and then realize later I should have left because you cannot get these years back and life is short and I want to spend it happy. I even want him to be happy and be with someone who can give him what he needs and wants as well because I know I am not perfect for him either...

healthyhair2 said:
Although I am not legally married, my partner and I are in a similar situation. We have been together for 13 years and i realized he was not really what I wanted or needed in a man. I hung around for various reasons that I should not have played a part in my decision. I will not give you advice per se, because this is your decision. If I had to do it all over again, I would leave. Before too much time passed and my youth was not spent with someone who did not fulfull my needs and was not compatible on so many levels. I know that this would have been healthier mentally in the long run. In my very humble opinion, if you really know in your gut , that it's not best for you to stay, it will only be hurtful to you and him in the long run.
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Yes, we have a 7 month old and that is why I am trying to make this decision as soon as possible so a healthy atmosphere can be set in place and she wont feel as much of the transition and also feel our unhappiness.

LadyPaniolo said:
dede1129, do you have children? If not, time to bounce. If so, maybe you could give it a little bit more time/effort before making the final decision.
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idk it seems like your 24 and just not happy---youve done counseling so--to me its deuces..time to go...i can see at 20 yrs old you wanting one thing then and something different now

me personally could not be with a man who is not affectionate---cold and icy--no can do
you've stated that even if he does make the changes ya just not quite that into him and the idea of continuing the union so..

to me the writing is on the wall..with you doing what you feel in ya heart
 
Is he a good man otherwise? Did you ever feel head over heels for him? If the answer is no to these questions then perhaps divorce is the best recourse.

If you answered yes, I encourage you to keep trying. There are some really good books out there about unaffectionate men. It will help if you understand why he acts the way he does. Also, really explore your need for affection and embrace it. You deserve a warm and loving relationship. People will tell you that your need for affection is not as important as having a husband and a father to your child. You may be told to be affectionate to yourself and buy yourself flowers. Some may tell you that most men aren't capable of being that affectionate because most are not even in touch with their own feelings. It's all a load of crap. It is possible for your husband to become sweeter, more affectionate, more complimentary if he really wants to change. And it's not even so much about change as evolving. He simply has to become more intune with you, even if it's hard, it's part of his job as your husband. He will be happier too when he gets a handle on this. The fact that he is trying tells me that he cares. PM me if you want to talk. I have some more suggestions if you want/need them.
 
Based on what you have described, other marriages go through much worse and still people make it through some how.

You have only been married 3 years, and that may be too soon to give up. I am no expert on marriage but it does require a lot of work and sometimes feelings that you made a mistake. But that is what makes it worth it in the end when you look at your silver haired partner 50 years down the road. The hard work, determination and fight you put in to it should reap happiness. But I think you both have to be willing to work at it.
Im really not sure what to say but good luck whatever you decide to do.
 
Let me ask you this: what drew you to him in the first place?

Why did you marry him? What made you, out of all the potential options or paths you could have chosen at age 20, say "I want to be bound to this man for better AND worse?"

The answers to these questions will help me give you my opinion.
 
You already said it yourself, he does not have what you need nor do you seem to be what he wants.

I don't think that you can change a grown person, his coldness or your needs and if you feel like he's not making an effort even after counseling then I say trust your gut.

While it is very important for children to have a good father in their everyday life I do feel that having a HAPPY home is more than equally important and I think it's next to impossible to be a good mother unless you are happy.

Sit him down and say: "Look, this is whats going to happen if our relationship continues this way....... "
Give him that last chance to understand (men tend to forget stuff and think everything is cool if you even give them a little smile). I've found that faced with a final consequence of their behavior gets them going faster and more determined.

Yes, marriage does require more or less work, but this has to be a mutual effort, never onesided.

In the end, trust your gut.
Happiness and security is out there just waiting for you.
You deserve it.
 
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The ladies have offered helpful perspectives. Here's another: you married a man 15 years older than you are. And not only that, you did so at a very young age (20). At such a young age, you would still have a lot to figure out for yourself along with developing your own independence. Also your DH wouldn't be in the same place maturity-wise as you.

You are probably at a different place in life now and need something different than what you did 4 years ago. Do you feel like a fully independent adult in your marriage? Sometimes men marry much younger women when they want someone they can control. Also young women marry older men when they're looking for the daddy they never had.

I think deep in your heart you know what you want to do but are trying to balance it with what's best for your child and husband. I wish you well in whatever you decide.
 
LadyPaniolo said:
dede1129, do you have children? If not, time to bounce. If so, maybe you could give it a little bit more time/effort before making the final decision.
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You have to remember that children FEEL parents' unhappiness. Take it from someone who grew up KNOWING her parents should get a divorce and that her Mother was NOT happy.
 
Donna,

What you are pointing out is a huge part of my dilemna because at the time when we first started dating I did not think age was an issue because it seemed he accepted me for who I was but now that I am older and have gained my independance and figured out who I am as a woman, he seems to not like who I ahve become and so he complains about almost everything I do down to the TV shows that I watch and it is becoming nerve racking because I cant even be myself without him looking at me sideways asking why I am doing everything that I am doing because he does not understand because he is in a different age group and place in his life. I mean he is headed for retirement in 2 years and although I have a career at this point in my life I ahve a long way to go to get where I want to be so my thing is, if he is not adjusting now then how is it gonna be as I continue to grow as a woman???:nono:

donna894 said:
The ladies have offered helpful perspectives. Here's another: you married a man 15 years older than you are. And not only that, you did so at a very young age (20). At such a young age, you would still have a lot to figure out for yourself along with developing your own independence. Also your DH wouldn't be in the same place maturity-wise as you.

You are probably at a different place in life now and need something different than what you did 4 years ago. Do you feel like a fully independent adult in your marriage? Sometimes men marry much younger women when they want someone they can control. Also young women marry older men when they're looking for the daddy they never had.

I think deep in your heart you know what you want to do but are trying to balance it with what's best for your child and husband. I wish you well in whatever you decide.
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dede1129 said:
Donna,

What you are pointing out is a huge part of my dilemna because at the time when we first started dating I did not think age was an issue because it seemed he accepted me for who I was but now that I am older and have gained my independance and figured out who I am as a woman, he seems to not like who I ahve become and so he complains about almost everything I do down to the TV shows that I watch and it is becoming nerve racking because I cant even be myself without him looking at me sideways asking why I am doing everything that I am doing because he does not understand because he is in a different age group and place in his life. I mean he is headed for retirement in 2 years and although I have a career at this point in my life I ahve a long way to go to get where I want to be so my thing is, if he is not adjusting now then how is it gonna be as I continue to grow as a woman???:nono:
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Now that's the main question. And for me, it would be a deal breaker! Have you and he been to counseling?
 
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healthyhair2 said:
Although I am not legally married, my partner and I are in a similar situation. We have been together for 13 years and i realized he was not really what I wanted or needed in a man. I hung around for various reasons that I should not have played a part in my decision. I will not give you advice per se, because this is your decision. If I had to do it all over again, I would leave. Before too much time passed and my youth was not spent with someone who did not fulfull my needs and was not compatible on so many levels. I know that this would have been healthier mentally in the long run. In my very humble opinion, if you really know in your gut , that it's not best for you to stay, it will only be hurtful to you and him in the long run.
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Honey, I stayed with someone for ten years and that was seven years too long. Shudda left that bad boy years before, but got stuck. Never a-freakin-gain! :nono:

To the OP, if you're not feeling it, you're NOT feeling it. That's what he gets for marrying someone so young. Don't be like me or Healthyhair and stay beyond you're time. You don't have kids (and even if you did it still wouldn't make a difference), so there's no reason to keep it going.

Just make sure he won't give you a problem when you decide to cut out. Men can get real stupid when the woman is the one leaving.
 
dede1129 said:
So my question is what do you do when you have made a decision that He is not the right person for you and you feel you want a divorce and he does not?? Am I just stuck?
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Even in the best of relationships, we all don't get exactly what we think we deserve nor at the levels we desire them. Have you sought counseling first?

Edit: just read the last post. Can you give it awhile? Counseling takes months, if not a few years. Does he listen to your side?
 
I feel for you OP, but I would def think long and hard about what it is you want and what you are prepared to accept and comprimise and what you will not. As others have stated, there are far worse things couple go through, and you two have a child together. This already pretty much means you are joined to him forever through your child. On the "bright side" if there is one, if you divorce sooner rather than later, you can try to avoid some of the emotional trauma that occurs to children who are used to a two parent home and then split up. If your child has always know you two as not together it will know no different. Even with that said, make sure you think this through, be up front and honest to him about how you're feeling and see if you can work it out. At the end of the day, you are in control of your life and you know how far you're willing to go in this marriage.

What seems intolerable to you now may be a walk in the park compared to what's out there! There's a lot of crazy dudes out there from what I hear, lol! Good, decent men are hard to find. It may be worth it to you to work with the one you've got. There are so many couples whose marriages have gone from blah to blessed. It can happen for you too. I'm still working on mine and I've been married for nearly 15 years. I was married at 18 so I know about young marriage. :yep:

All the best...and sorry for rambling!
 
dede1129 said:
Donna,

What you are pointing out is a huge part of my dilemna because at the time when we first started dating I did not think age was an issue because it seemed he accepted me for who I was but now that I am older and have gained my independance and figured out who I am as a woman, he seems to not like who I ahve become and so he complains about almost everything I do down to the TV shows that I watch and it is becoming nerve racking because I cant even be myself without him looking at me sideways asking why I am doing everything that I am doing because he does not understand because he is in a different age group and place in his life. I mean he is headed for retirement in 2 years and although I have a career at this point in my life I ahve a long way to go to get where I want to be so my thing is, if he is not adjusting now then how is it gonna be as I continue to grow as a woman???:nono:
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JMHO -- I think you have explored and exhausted all options. This marriage had several strikes against it from the very beginning with the age difference. Now if you had been say, 35, and he was 50 when you married, then maybe this could work. But at age 20, you had a lot of growing up and emotional developing to do. And your husband should have known that even if you didn't. Now he is critical of you while you go through the phases that women typically go through.

I've seen this scenario before. If your husband wanted an equal partner, he would have never married someone so young. One of two things is likely going to happen: (1) you will continue to mature and grow right out of this relationship, or (2) you will stunt your growth and return to the level of maturity that you were when you and he met.

BTW -- if you married at age 20, how old were you when you and he first started dating? Do you have any family that can be supportive? If you end up leaving the marriage, are you in a position to provide for you and your child? And what about your husband - he seems somewhat the controlling type. While he's aware of the problems, will he react reasonably if you decide to move on?
 
There had to be something about him that made you say "yes" to his proposal. Marriage is all about ups and downs. One minute you love him and the next you don't. One minute you want to stay, the next minute you are on the internet looking for a new place to say. If he is always questioning why you do certain things, then you simply tell him "because that is who I am". There are people who always try to change their way of living to make somebody happy. If he doesn't like the shows you watch then get another tv, if he is not affectionate enough to you then you be more affectionate to him. I do think getting married at 20 is to young because you really haven't experienced life, but at 20 you should be mature enough to make better decision concerning your life/future. Considering the age difference, he may have been more of a father figure to you. Showing you the ways of life and probably teaching you some responsibility. Usually when the father figure is lacking in the household at a young age for female, they tend to search for men who possesses those quality. That is probably what drew him to ask you to marry him. He probably felt you were a very open and submissive person that he could be with. Now, if you really feel in your heart that you do not love this man and you just can't stand to be around him, then maybe you should leave. Or maybe you should sit down and evaluate everything because there are people who are going through some type of abuse or cheating with their Significant Other and this is far worse then what you are going through. More then likely you will get married again, but whose to say the second time around is going to be better then the first...
 
just make sure that you are not under an illusion that your happiness is somebody else's responsibility. you are the only person that has the mandate to make yourself happy. if you look to other people for validation, it not only places strain on your relationship with them but also it places emotional stress on you as well.

i wish you all the best :bighug:
 
Hey Girl I jst wanted to add my2 cents........
In my opinion, I dont think you should divorce your husband for the reasons you gave,
If he was cheating, or beating you or berating you in anyway, I would b the first to say bounce.

I think it would b a mistake to get a divorce because u arent getting enough cuddle time and it pisses you off.

You stated that you were verbally abused as a child and that him acting that way towards you lowers your self esteem.

Maybe you should should get in some therapy by a doctor (not your pastor) And try to work those issues out cause although the way our husbands feel abt us and act twoards us should make us fell a little bit better about ourselves, they should never be the only source of self-esteem we have. You shouldnt give anyone that much power

I really urge you to do that because I rally hate to see another black family torn apart by divorce

I really do wsh you luck and u r in my prayers
 
One more thing..........

although all the comments and *****ing that he does can b higly annoying and make you feel like snapping, hitting him and stuff, the hardest part of any mairrage is dealing wth another persons habits so honestly it would probably b like that with your next husband too

So dont respnd to him whn he does that just continue to do you and b happy

I started ignoring the hell out of my husband whn he started acting that way and as a result he has gotten better.
He sees that he isint gonna change me so he stopped trying
 
In my opinion, abuse of any kind is a deal breaker. I wish you would/could've had this foresight before you got married and brought a child into your marriage, but seeing as how we can't turn back the hands of time, I think you should consider not only your own happiness (long term), but that of your child and his as well. You are a family now and sometimes families have difficult times. It sounds like he's trying to make it work, but how much effort are you putting in? (no offense meant, but I see a lot of "I need, I want", but perhaps that's the problem.) Please don't make a decision for you and your child based on feelings. Feelings can't be trusted, they change. Being single and a parent is not to be taken lightly. There's a thread on here about single parents and dating. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
remarried/dating/single for the long haul? These things should be considered as well.
I wish you the best and pray that God's will for you and your family be done.:bighug:
 
We have decided to work it out, Thanks all you ladies for your advice and for those of you who stated that couples have been through far worse, you are Right!
 
You are right, it was the communication and we are working on that now and it has made our marriage so much better even with that little change:yep:

BroadstreetBully said:
Those seem like issues that can be resolved. How much communication have the two of you had regarding this? Is he aware that you're not happy?
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Good advice girl, I will keep that in mind

miss stress said:
One more thing..........

although all the comments and *****ing that he does can b higly annoying and make you feel like snapping, hitting him and stuff, the hardest part of any mairrage is dealing wth another persons habits so honestly it would probably b like that with your next husband too

So dont respnd to him whn he does that just continue to do you and b happy

I started ignoring the hell out of my husband whn he started acting that way and as a result he has gotten better.
He sees that he isint gonna change me so he stopped trying
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