Divorce Support Thread

[Prudent1]

Ok- Where to start...:scratchch:

Anyone who's been through it afraid of:

- being alone-There have been times where I felt lonely but all in all I never felt like he was my 'world'(more on that later). I lived my life at that point with a constant plan B-(can't believe I'm saying this). I always had somebody in the wings mentally.
- what others would think-By the time I reached the conclusion that divorce was an option, I didn't care. They were not walking a mile in my shoes
- being too old to get married again-Nope. I believe I will someday. Age and the guidelines we adhere to are often contrived by some scientist somewhere who is brilliant academically but couldn't cross the street w/o assistance IRL. Since my divorce I have developed a relationship w/God(I am Christian). He doesn't put age restrictions on things like society does b/c he is eternal. So, I'm free from all of that.
etc....

Guess in the end you had to do what was best for you (and your children)... Yep, in a nutshell.

How did you get the strength to officially file?

I did not want my kids growing up in that environment. I truly felt like I would lose my mind if I stayed. I knew I would not be of any good use to them in that type of mental/emtional state.

I always say marriage is not for cowards or spoiled people. Those two things are instant disaster or a long tough road for a relationship.

'Let the church say AMEN..."

I am trying really really hard, but its been trying. He dont want counseling nor does he want to go to church. IDK what else to do. When arguments get tough I have no where to go to cool down. I have no friends here.

HC I hope you two can work things out. That is what happened in my case. We went to 1 counseling session. He talked about all of his grievances but then threw me shut up looks the whole time it was my turn to talk. When we got home he said, "I can't believe you said that in front of them!" I was like it's the truth. Aren't we supposed to talk it out? This happened long after year 5 though...

Did anyone have red flags and signs telling them that they shouldn't have married their husbands in the first place but did it anyway, then ended up getting divorced for those same reasons you were aware of at the outset?

Did I? Yep, ignored every single one of 'em too. I have learned- 1. Couples should be on the sme page from a religious standpoint(we were not and I married him anyway)
2. Couples should be on the same page when dealing with budgets and finances
3. Couples should be on the same page when it comes to kids(how many, any, how to discipline, etc)
Stuff happens but if you can have a solid foundation/ understanding in these 3 areas most other stuff you can live with.
Why did you marry him knowing you shouldn't have? How are you going to avoid doing the same thing in the future?

Just from thinking about it... we had a DD. I felt like it was the right thing to do. I didn't want her to not know her dad. lachen @ my 20 something year old self and my old train of thought.

Ok- There is no doubt in my mind that things would be different in a future marriage b/c I am 100%+ mo' better than I was then!! I have changed mentally, spiritually, financially, physically, you name it. I don't make the same types of choices I made then. My behavior, my very being (who I am) is changed. It is impossible for me to return to the ignorant, selfish girl I was. My criteria that determines who I spend my time with is different. EVERYTHING is just different-(Thank you Jesus)!

 

[kweenameena]

Going thru a divorce now. I was in denial for a bit so I didnt save up as much as I should've.
My fears:
Will I be able to pay all of my bills without his help?
Will his child support be enough help...the online child support calculator scares me.
Will I be able to receive alimony?
I can't afford a lawyer...will I be screwed?
What do I tell DD?


Anyone know of a good, affordable lawyer in the dc area? I live in VA.

This divorce has been straining and such a learning experience. I'm ready for it to be over with.

 

[Jazzmommy]

I am trying really really hard, but its been trying. He dont want counseling nor does he want to go to church. IDK what else to do. When arguments get tough I have no where to go to cool down. I have no friends here.

All I can say is that I understand where you are coming from. We tried a marriage bootcamp at church and counseling. He refused to go back to counseling. I am by myself in MI (his family is here) while my family is in Cali...it's tough..

 

[Jazzmommy]

Going thru a divorce now. I was in denial for a bit so I didnt save up as much as I should've.
My fears:
Will I be able to pay all of my bills without his help?
Will his child support be enough help...the online child support calculator scares me.
Will I be able to receive alimony?
I can't afford a lawyer...will I be screwed?
What do I tell DD?


Anyone know of a good, affordable lawyer in the dc area? I live in VA.

This divorce has been straining and such a learning experience. I'm ready for it to be over with.

Hugs to you...

 

[honeycomb719]

All I can say is that I understand where you are coming from. We tried a marriage bootcamp at church and counseling. He refused to go back to counseling. I am by myself in MI (his family is here) while my family is in Cali...it's tough..

Wow, sorry your going through as well. Im from Detroit, and all my fam and friends are there. We did marriage counseling for about 4 or 5 session. The last session the counselor wanted to speak with him alone, and he never went back for his one on one session.

 

[GreenD]

I am trying really really hard, but its been trying. He dont want counseling nor does he want to go to church. IDK what else to do. When arguments get tough I have no where to go to cool down. I have no friends here.

I just acknowledged my 4 year anniversary last month and I've been there. So that you don't stress yourself out, know that you should only "stress" over the things within your control. Him not going to church or counseling is not within your control. I know it hurts and you probably feel like he doesn't care (been there and done that), so go without him. He may catch on sooner or later.

Marriage is definitely a complex beast.....

 

[honeycomb719]

I just acknowledged my 4 year anniversary last month and I've been there. So that you don't stress yourself out, know that you should only "stress" over the things within your control. Him not going to church or counseling is not within your control. I know it hurts and you probably feel like he doesn't care (been there and done that), so go without him. He may catch on sooner or later.

Marriage is definitely a complex beast.....

Anyone feel like counseling just prolongs the inevitable?

 

[Jazzmommy]

Anyone feel like counseling just prolongs the inevitable?

No, I really believe it can help but both have to be willing participants in the process with the desire to change and improve the marriage.

 

[Jazzmommy]

Did anyone have red flags and signs telling them that they shouldn't have married their husbands in the first place but did it anyway, then ended up getting divorced for those same reasons you were aware of at the outset?

Why did you marry him knowing you shouldn't have? How are you going to avoid doing the same thing in the future?

I'm divorcing my husband for a number of reasons.. However, one of my personal standards was that my husband at least have a B.A. degree (not to say men without can't be good breadwinners... but the odds are against them these days. He told me he only had 1 year left to get his degree.. well he lied. He was full of promises.. Plus, I wouldn't do this again, but I had a very short courting/engagement. We only dated about 1 month before he proposed and then we were married like 5 months later, so we were in date-mode, on our best behavior, so I didnt' get the opportunity to see "what was in his trunk." What was in there surely came out after a few months of marriage.. and I didn't like it. It was so short because we wanted to obstain from sexual relations before marriage.. so we were burning I suppose. I had been celebate for about 6 years (made an oath to the Lord), so I guess my vision was a bit clouded.

 

[sunnydaze]

No, I really believe it can help but both have to be willing participants in the process with the desire to change and improve the marriage.

ITA..you and your spouse really have to be open to working through your issues and healing from them to make counseling work.

I can say that we went, but it was futile. One, b/c he was focused on what I did wrong in the marriage which "caused" him to react in the manner that he did. Two, being honest, I went, but my heart was not in it. The events (physically and mentally abusive) that happened prior to counseling changed how I viewed him..I really didn't even want to work through them..I just wanted out.

I can say that the divorce and my life afterwards has been ten times better than the marriage itself.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Did anyone have red flags and signs telling them that they shouldn't have married their husbands in the first place but did it anyway, then ended up getting divorced for those same reasons you were aware of at the outset?

Why did you marry him knowing you shouldn't have? How are you going to avoid doing the same thing in the future?

*Shamefully raises hand* I was going through some old papers a couple of months ago and found a letter I had written to myself of why I should not marry this man...I had written the letter before I got married.

I guess at the time I just didnt know what it took to make a marriage work and I figured we would be okay...I WAS WRONG!!!

 

[Jazzmommy]

ITA..you and your spouse really have to be open to working through your issues and healing from them to make counseling work.

I can say that we went, but it was futile. One, b/c he was focused on what I did wrong in the marriage which "caused" him to react in the manner that he did. Two, being honest, I went, but my heart was not in it. The events (physically and mentally abusive) that happened prior to counseling changed how I viewed him..I really didn't even want to work through them..I just wanted out.

I can say that the divorce and my life afterwards has been ten times better than the marriage itself.

Your life is ten times better.. now that's encouraging!

 

[yokoyokogirl]

Another divorcee here.

I moved out of our apt (that I was paying EVERYTHING for) in Oct.07 and fought until mid-2009 to get him to sign divorce papers. He was making extra money off the military all that time, saying "we still lived together".

In that time, he harassed me at work, tried to confiscate my work visa for Japan, damaged my personal property and stole my car. A lot of stuff he got away with because of his military connections and --me, living and working separate from the base, didn't get a whole lotta help from the Japanese police--which were scared to touch "anything military personnel related. I had to find out my "rights" the hard way, but did get help through my law savvy Mother back home, and letter writing to the military and even Congressmen back home.

I say have a strong support system of family and friends. Know your rights. Do a whole lot of research on what is the law, where you are. Get your congressmen, local representatives, hell-even the governor (if needed and they work for you, so make them work!!!!) If you are being threatened, harassed, in danger--the proper authorities need to know!!!

Also keep receipts, take photos, etc. I made a massive labelled file folder with EVERYTHING to show what my ex-hsuband was doing to me, for when I went to court. My lawyer was even impressed.

Get a new lawyer, if yours is crap. Mine was.

Cause I'm in Japan, she screwed around on getting stuff done. I refused to pay her final fees because I pointed out that I did 89% of the work. And had proof to back it up.

In the end, I got what I wanted: a divorce and also to not have to pay any of the debt my ex racked up. But most of all, I learned that while a lawyer is necessary, sometimes you have to do a lot of legwork yourself to make sure you are NOT getting screwed over. As my Mom says: No one has your best interest at heart, except for, well, YOU.

I'm not bitter and angry about my ex anymore, cause you learn from everything.

Like I will never take another man's name legally again (maybe just hyphenate...) and always keep some money stashed to side.

I still check my ex's facebook page every now and then when I'm feeling sad and see that he's still single, fat, and degreading women in any way possible. So I'm not missing anything. And neither will you.
HTH Ladies.

 

[sunnydaze]

Your life is ten times better.. now that's encouraging!

It really is, but it is more for mental reasons than anything else. I lost who I was in the name of trying to make the marriage work. I tolerated things, that I knew I shouldn't have. I was completely hollow inside.

The idea of being single again in my mid thirties was definitely not appealing to me and raising a child alone was not part of my plan (for that, I would not have waited as long as I did to have a child). You get married and you think certain things are behind you.


BUT, if I had stayed, I can visualize the type of life I would have had. One with screaming matches, depression, constant living hand to mouth and worse, the occasional physical altercations with my husband..all while having my baby girl right there living through it all and thinking that was a normal way to live. There was no way I was going to burden her with that sort of life. So that made my decision to leave that much easier and I am much happier, and contented person for doing so.

 

[GreenD]

Anyone feel like counseling just prolongs the inevitable?

Mine refused to go. He hated pre-marital counseling and I've been talking about us needing to go to counseling for over two years (like a dummy--still thinking things will change). And well I'm sure you've guessed it. We have NOT been to counseling. At least your hubby went!!

In some ways as I tell him and warn him of where I am in the relationship, he ignores the signs. So I take him ignoring it as his sign/way of saying he doesn't care. So I'm past the tears and confusion of trying to figure out why he doesn't care, so I just learned not care too. I refuse to worry/stress myself over someone that doesn't do the same for me.

It's sad when neither of us fights for the relationship, but I am/was drained. To save who I am, I had to forfiet that battle. We have our good times but they're few and far between. So I'm just trying to stay sane and civil, and do me until he comes around or until I can figure out what to do.

 

[Jazzmommy]

It really is, but it is more for mental reasons than anything else. I lost who I was in the name of trying to make the marriage work. I tolerated things, that I knew I shouldn't have. I was completely hollow inside.

The idea of being single again in my mid thirties was definitely not appealing to me and raising a child alone was not part of my plan (for that, I would not have waited as long as I did to have a child). You get married and you think certain things are behind you.


BUT, if I had stayed, I can visualize the type of life I would have had. One with screaming matches, depression, constant living hand to mouth and worse, the occasional physical altercations with my husband..all while having my baby girl right there living through it all and thinking that was a normal way to live. There was no way I was going to burden her with that sort of life. So that made my decision to leave that much easier and I am much happier, and contented person for doing so.

Thanks Sunnydaze... We have some similarities. I believe two happy homes are better than one unstable one for my dd. I will be 40 in January and a single mom...I definitely lost myself so I need to do some soul searching. But, I believe God has great plans for me...

 

[panamoni]

*Shamefully raises hand* I was going through some old papers a couple of months ago and found a letter I had written to myself of why I should not marry this man...I had written the letter before I got married.

I guess at the time I just didnt know what it took to make a marriage work and I figured we would be okay...I WAS WRONG!!!

OMG, I was going through my old journal from before we got married and I wrote all the reasons why I should not marry him -- plain as day!!!!!!!! At the time, I did not know that it's extremely rare for a person to change, and I shouldn't have expected him to -- should have taken what he showed me at face value and walked away.

ITA..you and your spouse really have to be open to working through your issues and healing from them to make counseling work.

I can say that we went, but it was futile. One, b/c he was focused on what I did wrong in the marriage which "caused" him to react in the manner that he did. Two, being honest, I went, but my heart was not in it. The events (physically and mentally abusive) that happened prior to counseling changed how I viewed him..I really didn't even want to work through them..I just wanted out.

I can say that the divorce and my life afterwards has been ten times better than the marriage itself.

This is SUPER encouraging to hear.

Anyone feel like counseling just prolongs the inevitable?

It's possible, but it's worth a shot...I just wanted to believe that thngs could change. And for smoe people...maybe a small percentage, they do. My husband loved blaming me for his behavior in counseling and never wanted to take responsibility for his actions. He was controlling and manipulative and would get mad if I shared certain things in counseling (in pre-marital counseling this was a huge issue-----------which should have been a red flag...).

 

[panamoni]

I should add, I'm not divorced. I'm separated and seriously contemplating. I've pretty much decided it's the best thing to do...but I have not filed yet, and am not sure when I will give myself the goahead to do so.

 

[GreenD]

[/QUOTE]It's possible, but it's worth a shot...I just wanted to believe that thngs could change. And for smoe people...maybe a small percentage, they do. My husband loved blaming me for his behavior in counseling and never wanted to take responsibility for his actions. He was controlling and manipulative and would get mad if I shared certain things in counseling (in pre-marital counseling this was a huge issue-----------which should have been a red flag...).[/QUOTE]

I can relate to the bold, and he hated going. He thought I was making him out to be someone he wasn't and the fact that we went to a white woman, didn't make things better. As he thought women automatically sided with each other. So I told him he could find a counselor that he'd be more comfortable with and he has yet to find that person.

 

[GreenD]

I should add, I'm not divorced. I'm separated and seriously contemplating. I've pretty much decided it's the best thing to do...but I have not filed yet, and am not sure when I will give myself the goahead to do so.

Hey, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but here's a thread I started because I was going through it a couple of months ago. http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=402724&highlight=debbie+downer
I didn't know what to do. I thought because I had a reason for his actions (his depression w/the economy) we would be able to work from there and dig ourselves out to where we needed to be. As you can see we haven't, hence me posting in here.

Any advice you can offer me as to what made you take the first step and leave would help me too, if you don't mind. PM if needed.

 

[panamoni]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but here's a thread I started because I was going through it a couple of months ago. http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=402724&highlight=debbie+downer
I didn't know what to do. I thought because I had a reason for his actions (his depression w/the economy) we would be able to work from there and dig ourselves out to where we needed to be. As you can see we haven't, hence me posting in here.

Any advice you can offer me as to what made you take the first step and leave would help me too, if you don't mind. PM if needed.

Hey, I PM'd you some specifics, but just in case this may be helpful to someone else.

I was living in hell. Did counseling, he didn't like the white woman counselor, I found a black man, he didn't want to be held accountable, and found things about him he didn't like. Then, he wanted to find a "Christian" counselor who would tell him that he was the king of the kingdom and I was to be subservient. Well, I was not going to have that.

The ONLY thing that got me to move out was talking to other people. The ONLY thing that kept me in was isolation. I started by sharing with a few friends, then with the counselor, then got referrals to different support groups.

There are divorce support groups out there. I even went to a Divorce Retreat and continued counseling on my own. The more I talked to others, and the more my husband confirmed who he was and was not going to change, the easier it became for me to move out.

My life is crappy in so many ways because of all this, but it's a lot better now too, and talking to all those people have given me HOPE that IT WILL GET BETTER!!

Hope you're able to create the life that you deserve and want.

 

[honeycomb719]

Mine refused to go. He hated pre-marital counseling and I've been talking about us needing to go to counseling for over two years (like a dummy--still thinking things will change). And well I'm sure you've guessed it. We have NOT been to counseling. At least your hubby went!!

In some ways as I tell him and warn him of where I am in the relationship, he ignores the signs. So I take him ignoring it as his sign/way of saying he doesn't care. So I'm past the tears and confusion of trying to figure out why he doesn't care, so I just learned not care too. I refuse to worry/stress myself over someone that doesn't do the same for me.

It's sad when neither of us fights for the relationship, but I am/was drained. To save who I am, I had to forfiet that battle. We have our good times but they're few and far between. So I'm just trying to stay sane and civil, and do me until he comes around or until I can figure out what to do.

I can sooooo relate to the bolded. I have been telling him for the longest how Im feeling about the direction of the marriage and it seems to go in one ear and out the next. He doesnt think arguments hold much weigh and doesnt see why I cant just brush them off and get over it. That part is so confusing to me. Plus we have children in the house my our 1yo, and my 11yo step son. I think its sooo unfair for kids to hve to live through a house in turmoil.
I grew up that way and know the damage it can do on a kids pysche.

With this economy being the way it is, its hard out here and Im unemployed. But Im not willing to let that stop me if I so chose to leave. I have a big support system back home, but aint nothing like your own. So Im not looking forward to living with someone else with my daughter til I can get it together. As for the good times, they are here and there. To him the good over shadows the bad.

 

[Zaynab]

Timing is so right for this thread. Im going through with my new hubby...These thoughts are running through my mind.**Subscribing**

Not to be dismissive but this is how most newly married folks feel every six months the first few years of marriage Hang in there, it just takes alot of communication and adjustment.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Not to be dismissive but this is how most newly married folks feel every six months the first few years of marriage Hang in there, it just takes alot of communication and adjustment.

OKAY! Hell I spent the first couple years of my marriage sleeping with divorce papers under my pillow, so if Dh ever so moved wrong I had the papers in hand ready to sign.

And I agree that communication and being willing to be fluid in a marriage is key.

Ladies if you are willing, please hang in there if you are newly married.

 

[honeycomb719]

Not to be dismissive but this is how most newly married folks feel every six months the first few years of marriage Hang in there, it just takes alot of communication and adjustment.

lol, Ive heard this alot. Communicationis the problem. He would rather not talk about it and push it under the rug, and Im all about finding resolutions and talking it out. IDK

 

[yokoyokogirl]

I should add, I'm not divorced. I'm separated and seriously contemplating. I've pretty much decided it's the best thing to do...but I have not filed yet, and am not sure when I will give myself the goahead to do so.

I say think about it hard. Cause once you do, you can't really "un-do" it.

I had separated from my ex at the end of the summer and he told me if I moved out he would seek a divorce. He never once called or emailed to check on me or ask to go to counseling. (We did go once or twice, but he was mad because "they never said who was at fault"!!!!!!)

He had no prob asking me to go Thanksgiving dinner at his coworkers place and pretend we were all happy together. So I thought "Maybe he has changed". Come Xmas, I invited him to dinner. My treat. He complained the whole night, even tho I gave him a present (a small book) he had this look, like he just didn't care. Then I knew it was over. He was still the same person, and I had evolved and moved on. And I was tired of having a husband who never once bought me a Xmas present!

It was a sad Xmas, but I got closure which was what I needed. Well at our divorce hearing this year, the judge asked him if he was sure he wanted to be divorced and he stuttered and took a while to answer. I was like "Hurry up negro, cause you have made my life hell for the past three years!!!" My Dad thought he was going to say no, but he finally said yes. He never once tried to apologize to me for all he did, but I did. I'm glad cause I moved on.

My Dad sometimes gives me the best advice. He said not to be bitter or angry or harbor ill feelings, he said the best thing is to "live a better life" and I'm trying to do that now. If we meet again later on life, maybe we can be adults and just look back on it all and laugh--or maybe not, but time is something we can't get back, and I don't want to waste it being mad at someone who isn't worth it.

 

[GreenD]

Not to be dismissive but this is how most newly married folks feel every six months the first few years of marriage Hang in there, it just takes alot of communication and adjustment.

What do you consider the first few years of marriage, 4 maybe? I'm asking because I'm wondering if it's like contractions....the closer they are, the closer you are to delivering/divorcing. So instead of 6 months, my last rant/episode was in Sept. So my "contractions" are getting closer.

I heard that after/around 5 years things should pan out, I hope this is true. I'm really trying my best to hang in there for things to get better but slowly and surely I'm shutting down more and more. Once all the juice is gone, it's gone!!! No back up, no reserve, no generator.....no nothing. I'm already on E, so next will be vapors.

 

[honeycomb719]

What do you consider the first few years of marriage, 4 maybe? I'm asking because I'm wondering if it's like contractions....the closer they are, the closer you are to delivering. So instead of 6 months, my last rant/episode was in Sept. So my "contractions" are getting closer.

I heard that after/around 5 years things should pan out, I hope this is true. I'm really trying my best to hang in there for things to get better so slowly but surely I'm shutting down more and more. Once all the juice is gone, it's gone!!! No back up, no reserve, no generator.....no nothing. I'm already on E, so next will be vapors.

Ive always wondered about that comment as well. I wonder if things "get better" because you start to go numb and you just stop caring, or make nice to appease the other. I dont wanna get to a point where Im just numb inside and I pretty much just not trying to rock the boat.

 

[GreenD]

Ive always wondered about that comment as well. I wonder if things "get better" because you start to go numb and you just stop caring, or make nice to appease the other. I dont wanna get to a point where Im just numb inside and I pretty much just not trying to rock the boat.

Yeah that's how I am. I just don't care any more, as it hurts too much to care. I'm just exsisting, not living at all. I'm trying to find and maintain who I am by keeping busy with my religion, work and the gym, but I do need a life with people that enjoy my company.

I think when they say things get better it may be because the guy/other person tries to get there stuff together once you're close to shutting down. So I guess at that point, things have the possibity of getting better as long as the other person is open to working through it. From there I can see things working out, so long as BOTH people are on the same page and are serious and committed to improving the relationship.

At this point DH would need to do A HELLUVA LOT to convince me to open back up and try again. We're clearly just not on the same page.

 

[panamoni]

Any tips on things to look for in a good divorce attorney?