He wants her to move to the hood

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s_terry

Well-Known Member
The background.

She- raised upper middle class
He - decent family, but lived a hard life - ie. Hood, always had to struggle

HE has gotten a deal on a house in the hood. They are planning a wedding- yes she has the ring.

The house needs ALOT of work, but he has the skills to make it happen.

He is getting it ready, and made the commitment to the house without discussing with her.

The house takes her away from work (much longer commute), and she just deosn't feel safe in that neighborhood. She asked why he would make such a large decision without her consent ( I agree). He thinks she is not allowing them to pave the way for a better future ( they can save money).

But she is not happy with the area. He's mad, she's pissed and about to call it off. Her concerns of not feeling safe or it being inconvenient is falling on deaf ears. He's almost trying to force her to move in although she states she is not happy.

I saw the house ya'll. It has bars on the windows. I myself have never lived in a house with bars on the windows ( thank you Jesus, i have had a blessed life).

Is she lacking vision or is he asking too much? Why would he ask her to downgrade her lifestyle for him? Would you do it? BTW these are folks in thier 40's, not kids.

P.S. One of the cars has been broken into and robbed of the radio and misc change over the July 4th weekend while away.

She's scared and about to break it off. He's gotten too far into it to back out now. She is resentful because she feels she is being forced to do something she would not have chosen for herself.

Thoughts?
 
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Does not seem like they are off to a good start. I would think he would want his future wife to be and feel safe and that would be his priority.
 
Naw son...she better than me.....:nono:

No house of mines is having barb wires or bars on the windows and doors....naw.....mmm-mmm.

She needs to discuss it with him and tell him she isnt moving in, or keep it moving...aint no way. He has the audacity.
 
I'm with her.

How in the world do you make a decision like where to put down roots without consulting the other person? AND it's in a bad neighborhood? AND the damn windows have bars? Really? He's probably use to living like that, but it's not just about him anymore now that she has that ring.

I wouldn't blame her for calling it off, personally, if he's not listening to her concerns.
 
No, she is not lacking vision and yes, he is asking too much. Making such a large decision without consulting her or considering her needs was very selfish of him. :nono: No matter how good of an idea he thought it was, since it impacts them, it should have been a joint decision.

ETA: I wouldn't blame her for calling things off. This is more than a mere boneheaded lapse in judgement.
 
Sounds like control issues to me.

Also sounds (relationship conspiracy theorist here) that someone may be trying to bring the princess down a peg.

Then again, no. This is a class/values issue and it will only get worse from here on in. :nono:
 
Yes..exactly what came to mind...:nono:
UmSumayyah said:
Sounds like control issues to me.

Also sounds (relationship conspiracy theorist here) that someone may be trying to bring the princess down a peg.

Then again, no. This is a class/values issue and it will only get worse from here on in. :nono:
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He is getting it ready, and made the commitment to the house without discussing with her.
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That's the problem right there. He really didn't think that she would mind? Did he really think that she would warm up the idea? He was wrong to sign dem house papers, so he'd live there by himself if it was me. ETA: Control issue, idk, but it sure was thoughtless.
 
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Yeah, she should get out while she can. I broke up with a dude I was seriously dating when it became clear that he never wanted to leave his crime ridden neighborhood despite having obtained the education/career/financial means to do so. He was talking about wanting to get married and live in the house next door to his parents. And then looked at me crazy when I asked why he'd want his wife and kids to have to dodge bullets every day. End scene. End relationship. I was done. I've never lived like that and don't ever intend to, God willing.
 
UmSumayyah said:
Sounds like control issues to me.

Also sounds (relationship conspiracy theorist here) that someone may be trying to bring the princess down a peg.

Then again, no. This is a class/values issue and it will only get worse from here on in. :nono:
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This is the long and short of the matter. I wonder if he even loves her. Seems to me like he is using her for something. Almost like he is trying to make an example out of her (even if it is just to himself). Something is fishy about this and I think it's deeply seeded in the reasoning in the above post. She needs to go and cut her loses.
 
:nono:

Oh no.... That will not do. I don't know what this man was thinking, but it looks like he's trying to have an old school marriage where the woman just follows what the man says regardless. Regardless of what class differences there are, he STILL needs to do what's best for the safety of his family. I know as someone that grew up in a bad area, I would NEVER want to risk my family like that. That man doesn't realize that even if they manage to survive living in that environment, the influence on their children will be devastating. Way too many young boys get sucked into crime due to their neighborhood.

There are way to many strikes on this decision. Disrespecting his wife and her feelings. Not thinking about his families safety. Putting money before everything else. Not thinking about his families future. It's good this happened now. That way she won't get stuck with the mortgage on this piece of crap.
 
As someone who grew up in the hood, I sincerely wish my parents had planned better and had the foresight (and discipline) to move us to a safer environment. What we see everyday growing up--we can become desensitized to, or believe it "normal." It takes a long time to learn that our "normal" was dangerous and an inappropriate environment, and what we saw regularly was NOT ok.

I have adult friends who grew up near me, whose parents saw the handwriting on the wall (before things got REALLY bad) and moved their kids out....

This lady may have wanted to have kids w/old boy. Of course she wants to be somewhere that she feels safe personally, feels has adequate (and safe) schools for her children and an area they feel safe allowing them to play in their neighborhood. I was sent inside many a day, by local gang members who knew something was going to go down, and didn't want to see us get hurt (I played w/a gang member's baby sister)....only to get inside and hear the gun shots popping.

But keep in mind, this was back when the local thugs were concerned about their communities...'aint like that now. :nono: Kids playing? Elderly people sitting on their steps? So what?! We shootin' anyways. :rolleyes:

He's being shortsighted, selfish and a bone head (as someone said above).
Wouldn't blame her at all if she kicked him to the curb.
 
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You can take this with a grain of salt, but if I reach my 40's and I've lived a certain lifestyle up to that point I don't expect to have to abandon it at marriage just because a man says so. Sorry to be blunt, but time is not on their side if she is expecting to build back up to the level at which she has been living. I wouldn't be trying to sign on to a "fixer-upper." All of the frustrations that come with repairing/remodeling would be too much--that can take years. Add to this that the neighborhood is dangerous AND far from her job. We don't know if she does want children, but I couldn't imagine doing that in a dangerous area. He could go sit down somewhere with all of that.
 
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chicitygirl said:
Yeah, she should get out while she can. I broke up with a dude I was seriously dating when it became clear that he never wanted to leave his crime ridden neighborhood despite having obtained the education/career/financial means to do so. He was talking about wanting to get married and live in the house next door to his parents. And then looked at me crazy when I asked why he'd want his wife and kids to have to dodge bullets every day. End scene. End relationship. I was done. I've never lived like that and don't ever intend to, God willing.
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Good for you!
I wish more sisters did this for their own self-preservation.

Too many of us, try to pull these brothers up--and end up holding ourselves back (or being pulled down by him). :( :mad:
 
I think the bigger issue is that he made such a huge decision without consulting her. That should tell her how he makes decisions.
 
OMG how dare he!!
I would be LIVID.

poor girl.
Team Chick all the way on this one.

Rough start...and possible end to this relationship.
 
I like a deal too but not at the expense of my safety. I would be hurt and upset at his selfishness and disregard for my input/safety etc.
 
Keen said:
I think the bigger issue is that he made such a huge decision without consulting her. That should tell her how he makes decisions.
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I grew up in the hood so I can't knock someone who does. I agree with this poster and others that the crux of the issue is making a huge decision without her and basically disrespecting her subsequent input and concerns.
 
In the words of former President George H.W. Bush (i.e. Dana Carvey), "Couldn't do it. Wouldn't be prudent."

There are so many layers to this problem. If he isn't concerned with her safety and the safety of their future family, then she needs to bounce. I could understand if he decided to keep the house and fix it up as a gentrification investment project, but expecting her to actually live there is a whole nother ballgame.
 
Nah, not me.

1) he made this decision for me, without me
2) she doesnt feel safe
3) it means a lifestyle downgrade (I'm assuming they can afford their current one)
4) already had a car break in
5) She doesnt feel safe
6) longer commute
7)it needs a lot of work
8) did I mention his decision making?

No, no. Esp at 40
 
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