Have You Ever Contacted an Ex to ask Why he didn't apologize?

[foxxymami]

My ex was verbally abusive to me and caused me to have really low self esteem after the breakup. In my post from the "Do you call....each other names" thread. I listed the things he used to say to me.

Me and my current SO----NEVER

My ex used to call me names all the times. I came out of that relationship with such looooow self esteem......He'd call me:

nincompoop
idiot
stupid
moron
slow
numskull
jackass
'genius' (sarcastically, as in "look what you screwed up genius")

Hey I'm not making this up. Tying out the words out now that he used to call me, I can't believe he was my first love and that I stayed with him for almost 4 years. He'd call me those names and think it was funny and try to convince me that I should laugh with him

Typing it up got me angry again and made me realize that he never acknowledge that he was abusive and never apologized for almost 4 years of that mess. I really want to send him a message or an email today and ask him about it.

Should I?

Have you ever requested an apology from an ex that did you wrong?

 

[dlewis]

I don't think you should. That's a done deal. I sorry he did that to you but thankfully you're not with him anymore.

Hugs.

 

[foxxymami]

you just dont know D. I logged on to Myspace 2 times this morning on the verge of hitting the "Send Message" button.

That's why i decided to ask yall. I know yall will calm me down and help me think straight

 

[itismehmmkay]

I agree w/ DL. Sometimes the lesson is simply to know what type of relationship you don't want. Happy your new SO treats you better.

 

[Aveena]

I agree that you shouldn't do it. He seems like a jerk.. and well... most likely he hasn't changed. Please don't do it ((hug))

 

[Lucie]

And what if he calls you names for even writing/calling him? I know you feel upset and you have EVERY right to be. However, you have a great man in your life and you already put the trash (your ex) out. Don't go back to the dump!

((( HUGS )))

 

[dlewis]

you just dont know D. I logged on to Myspace 2 times this morning on the verge of hitting the "Send Message" button.

That's why i decided to ask yall. I know yall will calm me down and help me think straight

I'll be ok. Pray for strength.

The women in my family was abused in every way shape and form and I think that's why I always dated "safe" guys.

I'll be praying for you. I've delt with this type of abuse but not from a man, it really sucks.

 

[foxxymami]

Oh and he's married now too.

I just imagine like I bet he doesn't treat her the way he did me. All those years I stuck around and 'took it', and he goes and probably gets it right with her and marries her up. Makes me sick, I swear it.

But I know yall are right......I won't email him. I think I just needed to vent. Better to vent here on the board than vent to him, and have him think I'm crazy for still holding on to that old shyte erplexed

 

[dlewis]

Oh and he's married now too.

I just imagine like I bet he doesn't treat her the way he did me. All those years I stuck around and 'took it', and he goes and probably gets it right with her and marries her up. Makes me sick, I swear it.

But I know yall are right......I won't email him. I think I just needed to vent. Better to vent here on the board than vent to him, and have him think I'm crazy for still holding on to that old shyte erplexed

I'm sure he does treat her like that. Most men don't change. I feel badly for her.

 

[Aveena]

Oh and he's married now too.

I just imagine like I bet he doesn't treat her the way he did me. All those years I stuck around and 'took it', and he goes and probably gets it right with her and marries her up. Makes me sick, I swear it.

But I know yall are right......I won't email him. I think I just needed to vent. Better to vent here on the board than vent to him, and have him think I'm crazy for still holding on to that old shyte erplexed

total speculation but he probably just found someone that would put up with his ****.

Your standards where higher and he couldn't live up... and couldn't break you down to accept less.

Leopards don't change spots ... he hasn't changed.

 

[Aveena]

I'm sure he does treat her like that. Most men don't change. I feel badly for her.

I was just coming in to say the same thing.

 

[dlewis]

Are you ok?

 

[Studio_gal]

Oh and he's married now too.

I just imagine like I bet he doesn't treat her the way he did me. All those years I stuck around and 'took it', and he goes and probably gets it right with her and marries her up. Makes me sick, I swear it.

But I know yall are right......I won't email him. I think I just needed to vent. Better to vent here on the board than vent to him, and have him think I'm crazy for still holding on to that old shyte erplexed

I bet he DOES treat her the same way. (E.T.A - you all beat me to it!)

I agree with everyone else - don't contact him

 

[Aveena]

I hope you are ok? I've been going through something similar (posted about it a year ago) so I know it's hard...

 

[foxxymami]

I hope you are ok? I've been going through something similar (posted about it a year ago) so I know it's hard...

Are you ok?

yeah im ok. I guess I'm just thinking how crazyit was that during the relationship I was soooo in love with him. He was my first love and I did so much to try and make him happy and I actually wanted to be married to him. In retrospect, I'm glad that it didn't last because that's not love (how could a man call a woman he "loves" a jackass or moron on a regular basis? WTF? Looking back I can't believe I allowed him to talk to me like that and call me crazy because I didn't laugh when he said he was just joking. Weird.

But I'm ok......I'm just thankful for you guy's words and concern.
I do really appreciate it

 

[Keen]

yeah im ok. I guess I'm just thinking how crazyit was that during the relationship I was soooo in love with him. He was my first love and I did so much to try and make him happy and I actually wanted to be married to him. In retrospect, I'm glad that it didn't last because that's not love (how could a man call a woman he "loves" a jackass or moron on a regular basis? WTF? Looking back I can't believe I allowed him to talk to me like that and call me crazy because I didn't laugh when he said he was just joking. Weird.

But I'm ok......I'm just thankful for you guy's words and concern.
I do really appreciate it

It's good to talk about it. Many time people don't want to talk to anyone because they are ashame. I'm sure voicing it out will help a great deal. Like the ladies say, Learn from the pass, move on and enjoy your current SO.

 

[MissScarlett]

Oh and he's married now too.

I just imagine like I bet he doesn't treat her the way he did me. All those years I stuck around and 'took it', and he goes and probably gets it right with her and marries her up. Makes me sick, I swear it.

But I know yall are right......I won't email him. I think I just needed to vent. Better to vent here on the board than vent to him, and have him think I'm crazy for still holding on to that old shyte erplexed

I think that is a common worry, when an ex marries or dates someone new, they take all the 'lesson's they learned with you and treat someone better.

I dated this guy once Foxxy, that just treated me like crap. He was a good guy on paper but he was a dog, he lied, he cheated, he called me fat when I was about 115lbs, he put alot of demands on me, always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He was the one I mentioned in the "what's the longest drive you ever took thread". Shocking, I know...I wasn't always the fabulous MissS with the fabulous life and husband I've kissed some frogs and some dogs, which is why I try to share some knowledge when I can.

I drove five hours out of town in the middle of the night to confront him with some flip flops and shorts on.... of what I knew he was doing. He opened the door and said "You're the stupidest **** I know" And put his finger on my forehead while saying it emphasizng each word mind you Anyhoo, I'm glad he did. I am so thankful for that relationshp and for the time I was with him because I NEEDED that, I know that's hard when someone has done you wrong, but experiences shape the future, ya know, so whether the relationship was good or bad, you come away having learned something. Anyhoo, when I got home, i wanted to contact him, curse him out and just say a bunch of things that I didn't over the relationship....I was plotting all types of vicious things but I just wrote out a big long letter, I wrote it and re-wrote it, cried over it...... It felt so good!

I would say type out a big long email and email it to yourself if you need to, I knwo sometimes its good to let it all out but don't ask him WHY he apologized or WHY this or why that..... you're not going to get the right answer or the truth. You don't need him to validate what you already know, he's a loser that you don't need.

A side note: I came home, changed my phone number and never spoke to him again. It hurt for a long time and I wondered alot of years why he never apologized, why he treated me the way he did and WHY I let him? out of the blue, years later, mere months before I got married....there he came and with the apology I thought I wantd. But I didn't even care or WANT the apology then.

(((HUGS)))) I started to send that in an email but you know I don't want folks to think I'm some wordly perfect person The great thing about the past is, its over...

 

[foxxymami]

It's good to talk about it. Many time people don't want to talk to anyone because they are ashame. I'm sure voicing it out will help a great deal. Like the ladies say, Learn from the pass, move on and enjoy your current SO.

Yes it really does help. this is therapeutic for me, i had no idea it would be

 

[Xavier]

Foxxy, you in a great relationship now with a wonderful guy. Like all the other ladies have said...let it go sweetie.

 

[foxxymami]

I think that is a common worry, when an ex marries or dates someone new, they take all the 'lesson's they learned with you and treat someone better.

I dated this guy once Foxxy, that just treated me like crap. He was a good guy on paper but he was a dog, he lied, he cheated, he called me fat when I was about 115lbs, he put alot of demands on me, always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He was the one I mentioned in the "what's the longest drive you ever took thread". Shocking, I know...I wasn't always the fabulous MissS with the fabulous life and husband I've kissed some frogs and some dogs, which is why I try to share some knowledge when I can.

I drove five hours out of town in the middle of the night to confront him with some flip flops and shorts on.... of what I knew he was doing. He opened the door and said "You're the stupidest **** I know" And put his finger on my forehead while saying it emphasizng each word mind you Anyhoo, I'm glad he did. I am so thankful for that relationshp and for the time I was with him because I NEEDED that, I know that's hard when someone has done you wrong, but experiences shape the future, ya know, so whether the relationship was good or bad, you come away having learned something. Anyhoo, when I got home, i wanted to contact him, curse him out and just say a bunch of things that I didn't over the relationship....I was plotting all types of vicious things but I just wrote out a big long letter, I wrote it and re-wrote it, cried over it...... It felt so good!

I would say type out a big long email and email it to yourself if you need to, I knwo sometimes its good to let it all out but don't ask him WHY he apologized or WHY this or why that..... you're not going to get the right answer or the truth. You don't need him to validate what you already know, he's a loser that you don't need.

A side note: I came home, changed my phone number and never spoke to him again. It hurt for a long time and I wondered alot of years why he never apologized, why he treated me the way he did and WHY I let him? out of the blue, years later, mere months before I got married....there he came and with the apology I thought I wantd. But I didn't even care or WANT the apology then.

(((HUGS)))) I started to send that in an email but you know I don't want folks to think I'm some wordly perfect person The great thing about the past is, its over...

You know it makes me feel not so ashamed and embarrassed to know that I'm not the only one this type of abuse happened to. I think I will try writing that letter to myself and then shred it or something. I did learn some valuable lessons from that relationship. What love should NOT be, what a man is NOT, and the kind of relationship I deserve.

I'm glad you typed it here instead of emailing to me because this is soooo helpful to me and if this by chance helps someone else out there who may come across this thread then that makes me happy.

 

[Xavier]

I would say type out a big long email and email it to yourself if you need to, I knwo sometimes its good to let it all out but don't ask him WHY he apologized or WHY this or why that..... you're not going to get the right answer or the truth. You don't need him to validate what you already know, he's a loser that you don't need.

This is so true...great advice.

 

[MissScarlett]

You know it makes me feel not so ashamed and embarrassed to know that I'm not the only one this type of abuse happened to. I think I will try writing that letter to myself and then shred it or something. I did learn some valuable lessons from that relationship. What love should NOT be, what a man is NOT, and the kind of relationship I deserve.

I'm glad you typed it here instead of emailing to me because this is soooo helpful to me and if this by chance helps someone else out there who may come across this thread then that makes me happy.

I don't think any women have not at some point dated someone that was not a prince, maybe not to that degree but we've all met some dogs

 

[itismehmmkay]

I'm glad you typed it here instead of emailing to me because this is soooo helpful to me and if this by chance helps someone else out there who may come across this thread then that makes me happy.

ITA
It helps so much to know that the journey is not in vain and, in alot of ways, sometimes mandatory. I lub LHCF

 

[TCatt86]

You know it makes me feel not so ashamed and embarrassed to know that I'm not the only one this type of abuse happened to. I think I will try writing that letter to myself and then shred it or something. I did learn some valuable lessons from that relationship. What love should NOT be, what a man is NOT, and the kind of relationship I deserve.

I'm glad you typed it here instead of emailing to me because this is soooo helpful to me and if this by chance helps someone else out there who may come across this thread then that makes me happy.

Yes that's what I suggest. Because more than likely you won't get the apology you are looking for. My ex dogged me out during our break up process. He called me all kinds of bi***** and h***. Had his new girlfriend call me and my response to his was grow up and get self-esteem. Now I wanted to cuss him out, go to his house and bust his windows out, but what would that have accomplished other than me looking crazy to him and him saying even more damaging things. This happened recently so it's still fresh, but every time I want to text him or tell him something about how he hurt me, I write it down, read it and then burn it. I always cry but afterwards I feel so much better. His response really doesn't matter anymore, it's how I feel about myself. I would like to believe that one day he will grow and realize how horribly he handled me but at 31 he won't so, I just work on healing myself. You have a good man now, you have obviously gotten over him, don't open any old wounds.

 

[drasgrl]

No. People like that think they're right. He may never see that he was wrong. Don't go begging him to do it because you may never get one.. Just know it was not you it was he who has issues. You can't understand any more than he does why he does the things he does. I hope you can move on from this.

 

[The Girl]

I agree with the ladies here...besides, by contacting him you give him the power fo knowing how much he hurt you...after all this time...F em girl

 

[Irresistible]

I don't think you should. That's a done deal. I sorry he did that to you but thankfully you're not with him anymore.

Hugs.

The fact that he didnt apologize speaks volumes and tells you everything you need to know you just have to really ready to hear it

Sometimes its just another form of abuse to never acknowledge the pain they caused you

its like a slap in the face or a kick in the soul

that they arent AT LEAST sorry! But the truth is alot of them lack the capability for such compassion, or if they are sorry, they might be only sorry for so long just to get what they want

The truth is his sorry cant even heal your soul, it will still mean nothing because you still wont be able to understand someone treating you like that that was supposed to love you. The healing and closure come from you!

 

[foxxymami]

I agree with the ladies here...besides, by contacting him you give him the power fo knowing how much he hurt you...after all this time...F em girl

Yep thats basically it lol!

Thanks ladies. I'm in a completely better mood today and soooooooo glad I didn't contact that man spinning:

Lurve yall!