Happily Divorced/Separated Women Chime In

[Lady Esquire]

This passed year or two, I have seen 2 friends either legally separate or divorce. They each have a child in these divorces. One of these couples is now back together, and fell right back into the same old, same old.

Another two couples, (a bit older, friends in my mom's circle) are currently going through divorce/seperation. Both couples have grown kids, but why stay together for decades, just to split later? They stayed for the kids and are calling it quits now.

For some its because money (one spouse not having the career/income stability), and for others, its a variety of issues which they are all just tired of: annoying habits, constant arguing, llack of sex, unmet expectations, etc. From what I can see, none of them have obvious deal breakers such as abuse or infedility.

When is it okay to divorce? Does a separation give people time to get their acts together? Are kids better for it, if people are actually happier apart? Or is it irresponsible to stay for the kids' sake? Is it unrealistic to leave because of less substantial issues (money, sex and not abuse and infidelity?)

 

[shinyblackhair]

Divorce is such a huge issue. I feel there are no easy answers. No two marriages are alike and there are just sooo many factors that come into play when considering whether to divorce or stay together. I think some people just do better as a single person, for example my aunt: She was married for a long time until her kids were about middle school/high school age. She got a divorce and was alone until all the kids were grown (in their 20s or thereabout). She met a man and got married but, that marriage lasted a year. This man that she married, moved into her home and I guess she just couldn't handle the whole "man of the house" thing and called it quits. Not to mention my cousins (who were grown but still at home) were not trying to have this man "parent" them. She seems to be better off alone. Although I don't know everything behind the scenes as she is a little bit private. She could very well be lonely...

There are others like my parents who, even though they fight and what not depend on each other and could never be alone. I remember as a kid being terrified of them splitting up, but then in my teen years WISHING that they'd break up. I couldn't stand the fighting and dysfunction and I even attempted to run away when I was 12 (my dad found me within hours, lol). They are still together...

I'm not divorced or separated but, I am living in a marriage that has had a LOT of ups and downs over the last 14 years, most of them money related. I have never been alone, I've been married since age 18 and I always say to myself, if I ever get divorced, I will never marry again. Marriage is a LOT of work and sacrifice of self.

Even still, there is something to be said for staying together for the kids. Divorce is hard on children and unless there is some serious issues like abuse, I think it can sometimes be a good idea to stay together for their sake. But then again, kids are not stupid and can tell when mommy and daddy aren't feeling each other, and will sense the relationship is a sham...I don't know...I've gone and confused myself, lol

 

[NOEChic]

its better for the kids if the parents are happier apart...no one wants to hear or see arguing and people cuttin eyes, or their parent gettin treated badly

 

[NOEChic]

Divorce is such a huge issue. I feel there are no easy answers. No two marriages are alike and there are just sooo many factors that come into play when considering whether to divorce or stay together. I think some people just do better as a single person, for example my aunt: She was married for a long time until her kids were about middle school/high school age. She got a divorce and was alone until all the kids were grown (in their 20s or thereabout). She met a man and got married but, that marriage lasted a year. This man that she married, moved into her home and I guess she just couldn't handle the whole "man of the house" thing and called it quits. Not to mention my cousins (who were grown but still at home) were not trying to have this man "parent" them. She seems to be better off alone. Although I don't know everything behind the scenes as she is a little bit private. She could very well be lonely...

There are others like my parents who, even though they fight and what not depend on each other and could never be alone. I remember as a kid being terrified of them splitting up, but then in my teen years WISHING that they'd break up. I couldn't stand the fighting and dysfunction and I even attempted to run away when I was 12 (my dad found me within hours, lol). They are still together...

I'm not divorced or separated but, I am living in a marriage that has had a LOT of ups and downs over the last 14 years, most of them money related. I have never been alone, I've been married since age 18 and I always say to myself, if I ever get divorced, I will never marry again. Marriage is a LOT of work and sacrifice of self.

Even still, there is something to be said for staying together for the kids. Divorce is hard on children and unless there is some serious issues like abuse, I think it can sometimes be a good idea to stay together for their sake. But then again, kids are not stupid and can tell when mommy and daddy aren't feeling each other, and will sense the relationship is a sham...I don't know...I've gone and confused myself, lol

that is why people need to separate

 

[Lady Esquire]

Also, my friend was complaining about losing herself in the marriage. The other friend replies, "well, in all relationships, women lose some semblance of themselves." I thought, "HUH, really?" She goes on to say, "That is why women need to be selfish and do for herself in the relationships. Women need to be selfish for their kids. You should stay in the marriage because kids need two parents, but they need for the mom to be selfish, and handle her business." I'm scratching my head, and don't know where to begin with that statement.

 

[deltagyrl]

My views have changed mightily since experiencing an unhappy marriage. I believe that if both parties are on the same page, a marriage can withstand anything, separation, infidelity, abuse, addiction, etc.
I don't believe
that staying for the kids is a good reason if that's the ONLY reason.

 

[Ltown]

I've been married twice and definately know that I'm better being single. The first time I though ok let me try this I was in love. When I'm mad I definately don't feel like taking care of someone that was abusive and selfish. That was definately a key that I was not the marry kind as you are suppose to continue to cook, clean and serve up your husband! The second time I figure well I wanted a baby the clock was ticking, well got the baby and again when I'm mad I definately don't want to be the wife. I was in the military working crazy hours, cook, clean, and not supportive, he was implusive and always spending money. Well I know how to be broke by myself and I was a single parent but married why bother. I listen to alot of my married friend to figure out what is wrong with me and marriage. Alot of them are not happy but have the time invested. Marriage is just not for me. Marriage is a beautiful union and I love to hear about happy marriages.

 

[sunnydaze]

I think marriage is a beautiful thing and plan to get remarried one day. But for now, I'm good.

Sometimes I listen to my never married girlfriends and remember having those same fears/worries before I got married, so I understand it. I do think that many of us want to have at least said we have been married before, I get that as well. With all of our accomlishments, still alot of a woman's sense of validation is tied up into someone wanting to marry you.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

Also, my friend was complaining about losing herself in the marriage. The other friend replies, "well, in all relationships, women lose some semblance of themselves." I thought, "HUH, really?" She goes on to say, "That is why women need to be selfish and do for herself in the relationships. Women need to be selfish for their kids. You should stay in the marriage because kids need two parents, but they need for the mom to be selfish, and handle her business." I'm scratching my head, and don't know where to begin with that statement.

I remember Mrs. Obama making a similar statement. She stated if the wife/mother is not happy, then no one will be happy in the home. This was the reason she started to take out time for herself so she will not loose herself.

 

[GreenD]

I remember Mrs. Obama making a similar statement. She stated if the wife/mother is not happy, then no one will be happy in the home. This was the reason she started to take out time for herself so she will not loose herself.

I agree!! This year I'm making it all about moi!! Call me selfish or whatever, but it's way overdue. Time to rediscover me.

 

[ArrrBeee]

Every relationship is different and every breaking point/deal breaker is different.

I have only been separated for a month and the divorce should be final soon. I have gained peace of mind. I can't even express how much better I feel. I was so stressed from my marriage that when I would drive home from work, my neck and face would start tightening up and hurt.

When you have your peace of mind, you have everything. I keep feeling like my new situation is an episode of Punk'd and someone is going to try and make me go back.

 

[NOEChic]

Every relationship is different and every breaking point/deal breaker is different.

I have only been separated for a month and the divorce should be final soon. I have gained peace of mind. I can't even express how much better I feel. I was so stressed from my marriage that when I would drive home from work, my neck and face would start tightening up and hurt.

When you have your peace of mind, you have everything. I keep feeling like my new situation is an episode of Punk'd and someone is going to try and make me go back.

when i would open my garage door, and see my ex's car i would just get a boot in my mouth and a foul attitude...no matter what time of day, or what day of the week.

once he moved out and then i got another place, when i come home and i dont have to deal with him i am so happy.

 

[ThickHair]

Happily divorced but no children were involved. Him and I grew apart and he was getting on my nerves and I was getting on his. I hated to hear him breathe. We had minor tiffs while seperated and soon divorced but after the papers was done, signed and filed we have an ok relationship. We have even gone out on a few dates and he was date to my class reunion, but make no mistake, I would never get back with him because we have never addressed the reason why we are apart. It is just nice to talk to him and not have any pressure because we have no expectations of each other. Best nonrelationship I have. He is a great husband, great guy, but he would be better with another woman.

 

[mscocoface]

There is no easy or right answer to this because each person in the situation is different. It's usually what is considered best for those invovled regarding how or if a marriage should end.