Guys and Time

[preciouslove0x]

When you first meet a guy, for a FIRST date are you okay with them making a date with you less than 24 hours in advance (even if you are free and they know that you're free)?


The last two guys that have talked to me have felt that it's okay to ask me to go do something (first date, mind you) with them with little notice. Is this the new norm? Because I asked a guy friend about this and he said that's it okay if the man knows the girl isn't doing anything at the time he sets a date. But I beg to differ. I find it rude to not make first date plans well in advance when you're just getting to know someone. The way I look at it is the guy not caring to schedule you into his upcoming week. He knows that in the next few hours he's not doing something so he "mines well" take you out then. I'm just wondering how these guys are already so comfortable with someone new to do that. Maybe I'm the one looking at this wrong.... Input? TIA

Btw I also realize that me being a "planner" AND an introvert also affects how I feel about this. I like to plan things well in advance so that I can "mentally" get ready for the event. BUT I also feel like the above has to do with the man's mentality about dating.

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

I'm exactly the same OP, I'm a planner and need stuff like this scheduled. And I think it's inconsiderate and rude to spring stuff on people (ex. Asking me on Thursday to a kids football game scheduled for Friday when you've known all week-even longer than that- the date of the game).

 

[ms-gg]

If you are uncomfortable with it then just tell him you are busy throughout the week and that you need to be told in advance because of it. I'm the last one to talk because sometimes I have a hard time speaking up when I am just getting to know a new guy but communication is really everything. You can't get mad at the guy for doing something "wrong" when you haven't given him a chance to correct the "wrong."

And yes, part of the problem is that dating is more lax now than in the past....thirst on both sides has ruined the game

 

[preciouslove0x]

If you are uncomfortable with it then just tell him you are busy throughout the week and that you need to be told in advance because of it. I'm the last one to talk because sometimes I have a hard time speaking up when I am just getting to know a new guy but communication is really everything. You can't get mad at the guy for doing something "wrong" when you haven't given him a chance to correct the "wrong."

And yes, part of the problem is that dating is more lax now than in the past....thirst on both sides has ruined the game

Oh I most definitely use this tactic all the time. For some reason I seem to meet a lot of guys on Fridays after I get off of work. So they end up taking my number and asking me what I'm doing in a few hours or if we can hang out the next day (Saturday). It's just kind of awkward for me to tell them that I need them to give me more notice. I don't want to seem like a b when they are just getting to know me (or don't know me for that matter). erplexed

 

[SincerelyJane]

I can understand how you might feel that way. But I'm generally hard pressed to change my plans for a guy I just met. Even if I just plan to be at home watching TV those are still plans.

I don't think guys intentionally give off this "might as well take you out" vibe, but I know they do learn quick if you're truly a busy person who doesn't have time for foolishness. If you turn them down often enough, they'll get the hint and start planning things a week in advance.

 

[Rocky91]

You just have to start giving off the vibe that it won't be tolerated.
I don't even bother having the discussion because it just will come across as nagging and prissy. Actions>words
I'm simply not available on the weekend if you haven't asked me by like Tuesday.
And usually it's not even a lie, I just have a busy life.
They'll learn quickly if they're really interested.

 

[ladysaraii]

How do they know she isn't busy?

And i'm the same as you, planner and introvert. I either need plenty of time to prepare or I need to be able to make decisions on the spur of the moment when I can decide how I feel about it

 

[ms.mimi]

Most men hate rules, regulations and trying to be controlled by a woman. They love figuring things out. So I let them figure out how to get my time. Cause I really was busy. I was a multiple dater, loved my me time, had my hair routines and tried hard to maintain my female friendships. When they got it wrong I would always look them in the eye, smile alot or squeeze their hand while saying " awwww man that sounds wonderful but I have plans," while acting like I'm missing out on such a treat. If you're really the one for him, he'll figure it out without being told.

 

[Holla]

This reminded me of what this guy put on Facebook:

So...to promote my movie I bought a 3 month subscription on Match.com and there is something major I need to share about the difference between white and black women. So, if a white woman hits me up...she wants to meet within a week..never dragging the process out. If she doesn't like you, she moves on. The black women...OMG...3 and 4 weeks of constant writing and going back and forth...it's exhausting!!! It just seems like white women are seriously about their business of finding a mate! I guess it's just easier to say there are no good men out there...

Maybe other women jump at dates with these guys so it's normal for them.

 

[YaniraNaturally]

Add me to the chorus of subtle demands. I just say, Wow that sounds like fun but I already have plans.

And serve the ball back to him to request a later day.

 

[preciouslove0x]

Wow thanks. You ladies have great advice! I suck at this dating game I see.... I kept telling this one dude that I wasn't available after being asked out on a date for the same or next day. After the fourth time of him doing this I just blocked his number. I just got fed up. But now I see there might have been a better way of handling it (eg. didn't even think to suggest a later date lol) ..... Oh well. I'm not unblocking his number

I need a shirt. Can someone design it for me?? I want it to say "I'm not thirsty. Act accordingly"

 

[caribeandiva]

ita with the other posters.

 

[SincerelyJane]

Best dating advice I have EVER gotten: be warm with your words, cool with your actions.

This works on everyone. You see a lot of those women complaining about: "he told me he loves me but he never calls, won't pay for ish, forgets my birthday/anniversary/etc. and you wonder wth they're so stuck on stupid? It's because the words that they're hearing keep them coming back for more.

That's basically what they ladies in this thread are saying. Sound super syrupy sweet, even though you're turning him down for the umpteenth time.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Best dating advice I have EVER gotten: be warm with your words, cool with your actions.

I absolutely LOVE this advice.

*logs away mentally*

 

[GeorginaSparks]

i just gently explain to them that i plan my events way in advance so i obviously have plans that cannot be cancelled meaning they would have to do the same to hang out with me.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I always acted busy and made men feel like they needed to fit into my life. I made a point of never being too available for any man, especially early on in the dating process.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Never had this happen before.

I actually don't mind spontaneity and sometimes prefer it but all the guys I dated planned it in advance.

 

[ladysaraii]

Best dating advice I have EVER gotten: be warm with your words, cool with your actions.

This works on everyone. You see a lot of those women complaining about: "he told me he loves me but he never calls, won't pay for ish, forgets my birthday/anniversary/etc. and you wonder wth they're so stuck on stupid? It's because the words that they're hearing keep them coming back for more.

That's basically what they ladies in this thread are saying. Sound super syrupy sweet, even though you're turning him down for the umpteenth time.

Agreed. I think Zaynab said that in some of the old threads and I had to really stop and think b/c I was doing it backwards.

 

[FemmeCreole]

Hmm I'm different. I like instant gratification. If I want to go out with someone I want go do it now. If I have to wait a week or more I'll change my mind altogether.

 

[SincerelyJane]

Agreed. I think Zaynab said that in some of the old threads and I had to really stop and think b/c I was doing it backwards.

I read it in a book somewhere. Most women do it backwards. We talk a bi game about how we don't do that, we don't tolerate this, we keep it moving, blah blah blah, and then years later you find people in the exact same place they've always been lol.