Go back to friends?!

SimpleKomplexity

SimpleKomplexity

New Member
I asked him where is our relationship taking us. He replied he does not know. He was hurt very badly in his last relationship and since then he has not been able to be in a relationship because of how bad she treated him. He keeps telling me he's afraid of hurting me. If I am not afraid of him hurting me this shouldn't be a problem. He finally admitted that....maybe he is afraid of ME hurting HIM.......

I'm not pushing him into a relationship. If you are not ready you are not ready, but it just seems like he is fighting something. He continuously asks me why am I doing this to him, but "this" is always unknown. He tells me he is conflicted, but wants to be around me 24/7 and not drift further. He tells me I deserve "97" petro but if I was with him, I would be settling for 87. He tells me I deserve more than him.

How is that supposed to make me feel? Off and on we've flirted, but lately it seems like our friendship has gone a lot further than friendship, and I'm not the only one who feels it. Our touch, our conversation, and a kiss makes all the difference.

You can't just pretend it's not there. But I see him with his head down on the seat of his truck saying .....I just can't over and over again. I'm sorry. Kris, I'm sorry has been repeated so many times today, and I don't know what to make of it.

My problem is that he treats me like his girlfriend, and I'm starting to do girlfriend stuff too, but we are NOT in a relationship. I would like it to be either or. No in between. Lovers and friends is only for Usher them. So how can you go back to a friendship when a relationship has gone too far, or how can you read a person's actions to understand what is making them conflicted, and is it worth the effort to stick around and see if things work out.

Should I just walk away?
 
I feel I should keep my distance too....but that's a little hard considering we are sooo close to each other.... *sigh* This is gonna be a krazy semester...I feel it.
 
It's only crazy if you let it be. I can't deal with confusion and nonsense when I've got goals and desires. If he is not giving you what you want and need...give it a break. And maybe when a little time has passed, he can come into your life as a friend only since he's not ready for the next level.
 
Maybe eliminate those aspects of your relationship that make you feel like you're being a girlfriend rather than just a friend.

Also, even though him saying "I don't want to hurt you, you deserve more," sounds kinda complimentary, the right person should be saying, "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm going to give you what you deserve," ya know?

It's hard to let this kind of stuff go, but it really is for the best.
 
TayMac said:
It's only crazy if you let it be. I can't deal with confusion and nonsense when I've got goals and desires. If he is not giving you what you want and need...give it a break. And maybe when a little time has passed, he can come into your life as a friend only since he's not ready for the next level.
Click to expand...

How do you give it break without just completely cutting someone off. He told me that he does not want me to hate him. He does not want me to think that he is turning me down, but he is not ready for a relationship. But before the kraziness, we were friends. Best friends at that. So I can just wake up one day and never answer his calls, never chill with him again, and pretend we are just associates.

I just don't know what to do. I should have stayed with my first mind. This is the same guy that I told him I felt used. Now I'm back at square me, but instead of feeling emotionally used, now I feel financially, physically, spiritually, and emotionally used. Oh em gee.
 
If he was really digging you he would have forgotten about that last girl/last relationship in a heart beat. It sounds like just another ploy to string you along.
 
He wants a girlfriend type person without the committment. He is just trying to get you to agree to his deal.

Then maybe one day he might make you a girlfriend. Guys have been doing this since the beginning of time. I am 37, my sister who is 50 told me a variation when she was younger and my mom 74 told me a variation when she was younger. Just move on and stop doing girlfriend stuff.
 
This sounds like a chapter of my life. The last 4 years exactly. Stay away. He WILL hurt. This will not end in your favor.
 
SimpleKomplexity said:
How do you give it break without just completely cutting someone off. He told me that he does not want me to hate him. He does not want me to think that he is turning me down, but he is not ready for a relationship. But before the kraziness, we were friends. Best friends at that. So I can just wake up one day and never answer his calls, never chill with him again, and pretend we are just associates.

I just don't know what to do. I should have stayed with my first mind. This is the same guy that I told him I felt used. Now I'm back at square me, but instead of feeling emotionally used, now I feel financially, physically, spiritually, and emotionally used. Oh em gee.
Click to expand...

I don't know the backstory of why you felt used, but it seems like you might be more concerned about protecting his feelings than your own. What if you did cut him off? Would that end up hurting him more than he has already hurt you--or will hurt you in the future if this continues?

I'm not saying you should try to hurt him, just that even though it will be really hard, I think you should do whatever it is that will make you feel whole, at peace, and happy. You don't owe him your friendship; and like he said, he doesn't really deserve it anyway.
 
nicola.kirwan said:
I don't know the backstory of why you felt used, but it seems like you might be more concerned about protecting his feelings than your own. What if you did cut him off? Would that end up hurting him more than he has already hurt you--or will hurt you in the future if this continues?

I'm not saying you should try to hurt him, just that even though it will be really hard, I think you should do whatever it is that will make you feel whole, at peace, and happy. You don't owe him your friendship; and like he said, he doesn't really deserve it anyway.
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...I am scared of hurting his feelings....:sad:
 
I just want to walk away in a different way. I dunno. It's just all starting to make so much sense. Why does he keep saying he can't be with me because he's gonna hurt me. He told me that one day I will hate him. He can't be in a relationship with me becuz I will hate him. I will stop talking to him forever. And i'll be just like the other girls.

wtf
 
SimpleKomplexity said:
I just want to walk away in a different way. I dunno. It's just all starting to make so much sense. Why does he keep saying he can't be with me because he's gonna hurt me. He told me that one day I will hate him. He can't be in a relationship with me becuz I will hate him. I will stop talking to him forever. And i'll be just like the other girls.

wtf
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I get that you don't want to just cut him off cold turkey but maybe you can just tell him that you would like some time and space to think about things and ask him politely to not contact you until you contact him. Then really try to take the time to do that. Maybe you will decided to move on, maybe you will decide that the two of you can just have fun with no expectations or maybe you will decide that right now you really do want a relationship from someone who can give you what you deserve.
 
Why do you feel used....??

this isn't just about him and all his conflicts....its about you too

you say you were friends with him before all this and felt used

you feel the relationship went further and now you feel used to even higher degrees...

if you hang out, talk chill and have a good relationship as friends then where does feeling used come in at...and if the new connection is strong and more intimate where does all the feelings of being even more used come in at.....

alot of people are conflicted and emotionally jacked up and behave and act in off the wall ways and say all sorts of stuff, but when they feel some love for somebody else its amazing how even with all that conflict and external behaviors they have the ability to feel love/show love and that love is easy to recognize and read when you know what love really feels like....even if you have to walk away from them you will never walk away feeling they used u or got over on you....you will just know that love isn't what they are choosing to act on and all their issues are personal to them and they don't wan't any help in dealing with them and its not your place to save or rescue them from themselves...just bless em and move on with no ill intention in your heart for them...if they feel hurt by that, thats not you hurting them , thats them already hurting and finding more reasons to stay hurt vs get over it

its one thing to choose to stick around if he's saying I want to get over these, I want to be with you, i want to work on this let it go etc, its another if you choose to stay and he's saying im not good enough, im gonna hurt you, i can't give you what you want, im not looking for what you are looking for, and so on

no choice is the wrong choice, you will have an opportunity for growth one way or the other, all relationships with others give provide you with opportunities to grow into the highest expression of yourself in love, whether you recognize it or not is another story and you will keep going thru the same types of situations until its recognized and you can move on
 
Skiggle said:
Keep your distance.
if he's not giving you want you
want.. keep it moving.

ETA:


Take his advice.
Click to expand...

^ And to add to that

When someone shows you who they are (or in your case tell you) BELIEVE THEM.

You, your state of mind and your feelings are the most important in this situation. don't ever forget that.

Some men just want comfort and the thought of knowing that you will always be there 24/7 but you're not a sofa you're a human being.
 
This is not working out in your favour. He's only looking out for himself, AND he's not that into you...

If he was fully into you, there's nothing he would not stop at to make you his, and make sure other men do not push up onto you....

I know a girl right now 'dating' a man she has not met yet over the internet... they were introduced by a mutual friend, and will meet up next week face to face.
Can you believe he's already told her to stop seeing other men, cuz he wants to be the only one? They haven't even met yet! just talked everyday.

IF that guy can do that, your guy can... and he's not.
so STOP.
find someone who values you more than him.
 
SimpleKomplexity said:
I just want to walk away in a different way. I dunno. It's just all starting to make so much sense. Why does he keep saying he can't be with me because he's gonna hurt me. He told me that one day I will hate him. He can't be in a relationship with me becuz I will hate him. I will stop talking to him forever. And i'll be just like the other girls.

wtf
Click to expand...

It seems like he doesn't want a serious relationship with you and he's trying to let you down easily so he still looks like "the nice guy." Even if you guys have a connection, from his perspective it might not be strong enough for him to want to pursue a relationship. Please understand that if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you there are very few things that will stop him in his pursuit. I suggest not to talk to him for a while so you can clear your head and put your priorities in check. If you are on campus now, focus on enjoying your last year of college and don't spend so much energy focused on a boy that warns you that "he will hurt you."
 
SimpleKomplexity said:
I just want to walk away in a different way. I dunno. It's just all starting to make so much sense. Why does he keep saying he can't be with me because he's gonna hurt me. He told me that one day I will hate him. He can't be in a relationship with me becuz I will hate him. I will stop talking to him forever. And i'll be just like the other girls.

wtf
Click to expand...

People often tell us exactly who they are & we either don't realize it or don't believe. He says you deserve better, he doesn't want to hurt you and it seems like he is fighting something? Listen to him. He obviously knows something that you don't. And as far as being friends- it sounds like that was unhealthy to begin with. I think he needs counseling- from what you described.

I am sorry SimpleKomplexity but I must agree with him- you deserve better. Walk away. It's hard now but the heartache he is warning you of will be much worse. Don't try to save him- it's not your role- save yourself.
 
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If the man is already not fully there with you for the relationship he is never gonna be on board. If you have to push for a relationship, chances are you are always going to be the one pushing.
 
I agree with basically all that has been posted thus far. Women (myself included) will sometimes wait around for a man. We hope that if we show them how "down" we are for them and what a smart, beautiful, and intelligent person we are they will beging to see and fall in love. It usually never works that way.

You cannot make someone love/like you. It is either there or not. I think that you are searching for something that he cannot/willnot give you. If he wanted to be with you he would. I have seen other posts that you have made and I think that you need to become happy with yourself before you can be happy in a relationships, male and female.

I remember a post about your girls standing you up. You have to know what you deserve and accept nothing less. I do not think that you are at that point in your life and it's OK. Take time out for self-discovery.

This man is not worth it. You will look around 1 or 2 years from now and have no one to blame but yourself, because he told you what is was in the beginning. I hope I am not coming off harsh, but I just wish someone would have told me these things a couple years ago (and I took the advice:rolleyes:). It would have saved me a lot of bitterness and heartache.

Oh, one more thing. You two cannot be friends, until you have NO romantic feelings for him whatsoever. If you are at a point where he can talk about of females that he is interested in and your blood pressure does not rise, you start breathing hard, and your heart doesn't race, cool! Until then, do not even set yourself up like that...HTH
 
i saw an exact situation like this playout between 2 of my close friends. it was a disaster. my male bf told my female friend that he had trust issues, and didn't want/couldnt be in a relationship. but she really really liked him, and continued to pursue him (through misguided advice from a few of our other friends). although he continued to decline her advances, they would still hang out, and talk constantly. they soon became involved romantically, although he would still tell her he was afraid of hurting her, ect, ect. she eventually fell in love. the whole situation just exploded, after he was able to commit to someone else, and make her his girlfriend after dating for 1 month. moral of the story is that, even with all of his, trust issues, not being financially where he wanted to be, not being where he wanted to be career wise, through all of his "issues", he was able to fully commit to someone else, and treat her like a queen. i'm very happy for him, but my other friend felt used, and rightfully so. the truth was that he just didnt want to be with her, but she was able to fill the void until he met someone who was who he was looking for. like the ladies have stated, when someone tells you who they are LISTEN. even if you think they are joking.
 
ThePerfectScore said:
Kristen I know you are not asking the relationship forum advice when I already told you what u gotta do... hahaha
Click to expand...

Z, this story is getting worse and worse.... lol hit me up up on Yahoo. smh. All this personal growth done flew out the window. I'm so disappointed in myself. :sad:

chokolate miss said:
I agree with basically all that has been posted thus far. Women (myself included) will sometimes wait around for a man. We hope that if we show them how "down" we are for them and what a smart, beautiful, and intelligent person we are they will beging to see and fall in love. It usually never works that way.

You cannot make someone love/like you. It is either there or not. I think that you are searching for something that he cannot/willnot give you. If he wanted to be with you he would. I have seen other posts that you have made and I think that you need to become happy with yourself before you can be happy in a relationships, male and female.

I remember a post about your girls standing you up. You have to know what you deserve and accept nothing less. I do not think that you are at that point in your life and it's OK. Take time out for self-discovery.

This man is not worth it. You will look around 1 or 2 years from now and have no one to blame but yourself, because he told you what is was in the beginning. I hope I am not coming off harsh, but I just wish someone would have told me these things a couple years ago (and I took the advice:rolleyes:). It would have saved me a lot of bitterness and heartache.

Oh, one more thing. You two cannot be friends, until you have NO romantic feelings for him whatsoever. If you are at a point where he can talk about of females that he is interested in and your blood pressure does not rise, you start breathing hard, and your heart doesn't race, cool! Until then, do not even set yourself up like that...HTH
Click to expand...


Thank you for telling me that. Cuz I really think we can go back to being friends, but that's making this story deepen more and more. It's making it worse and worse and making the romantic ties deeper and deeper. I'm just digging a hole day by day.
 
And the plot continues.......

Avoided the guy all yesterday. Hung out with the girls. Went to the club. I'm afraid of the club... Don't mock me. I'm serious. So my friend is doing things in steps. We didn't dance at all yesterday. Just went to the club, sat in the back, and drunk a few drinks so I'd just chill. I'ma prolly go back later until I feel comfortable talkin and being around

anyway. Guy who does me horrible calls me. Some bs talking about he needs me to let him in the halls so he can do laundry. He just wants to know where I am. He hears the club in the background. Hangs up. Mr Perfect that I don't like even tho he is everyone I asked for calls me because he hasn't heard from me all day and he was worried. I hurried up and hung up the phone...so he txts.

Guy: Hello Beautiful. Why do I feel like you hold back from me?
Me: *blushes* I dunno...
Me: Yes it is true. You seem so perfect in all the ways I am looking for but for some reason I honestly do hold back from you?
Guy: Oh gosh. Don't feel like that. Maybe you think I am going to hurt you? Is that it?
Me: Maybe. I'm afraid of being hurt again. I'm very protective of my feelings
Guy: I've been hurt a lot too, but I still love you.
Guy: So how is this thing gonna work out for us?
Me: I dunno what do you think?
Guy: I really like you. I am willing to give us a try. But you have to let down your guard. It's all up to you.
Me: Why... Why do you like me?
Guy: Cuz I think you are perfect. You have beautiful qualities inside and out. You are your own person no matter what people think and I LIKE that. You always make me smile because you smile and live from your soul
Me: Oh.
Guy: I am so fareal Kris right now. You know what you want in lyfe. You are focused, fun to be around and you make me smile. What else can a guy ask for. But whatever the case, I just want you to be happy. Even if it's not with me
Me: I'm very much happy around you....but I dunno.
Guy: We'll talk about this later okay sweetie? Just take some time to think about everything.
 
The board is oh so right. I'm nowhere ready for a relationship....I have a lot to learn. I don't know how to stop the cycle of being with deadbeat guys. I run away men who actually care about me
 
I just went through this for the past 3 and 1/2 years, so here me out. . .

WALK THE HELL AWAY!

Seriously. First of all, if he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he DOESN'T. I know, I know. They say that and then look at you with that look and you're convinced. Or he says, "You're the most important woman in my life". Or it feels like a relationship. "Girl, you know we're more than friends".... I didn't read Steve Harvey's entire book, but I live by the notion that he implied; when a man loves you, he will give you a title. Period. I don't care how much he didn't want to be in a relationship before he met you, if he was sooooooo into you, he would claim you. Its easy when in this situation to become caught up in the romantic aspect of being in this "Brown Sugar" type friendship/love affair...Girl, just go buy the movie and live in your reality for what it is.

Just be his friend and his friend ONLY. No extras. When he is ready for a relationship and if he chooses YOU, he will come find you.
 
I have decided that I should just keep my distance for awhile. I don't think you can go back to friends that easily when you've crossed boundaries. This is especially true when you spend so much time with that person. Temptation kicks in, and before you know it you are flip flopping. You mouth is saying one thing such as I don't deserve this. I don't want this. I'm not this type of chick, but your actions say another. And it really isn't kute. And instead of caring about his feelings so much, I really need to continue the growth I have been experiencing these last few months. Like I said in a previous blog....I choose me.
 
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