Getting engaged with out a ring....

[naturalgyrl5199]

Its technically nothing wrong with not having an engagement ring. Some ppl just don't do formalities like that. My DH did.
My good friend didn't have an engagement ring simply because her man couldn't afford one. They already had 3 kids so every1 who knew them wasn't surprised about no ring, and she didn't make excuses for him either. They'd been shacking for years an after they agreed on a date, they got married 7 mos after the engagement was "official".

To me, thats cooler than wearing an uber-fancy engagement ring for years & years with no wedding in site.

Yes a part of me feels like if he can't purchase a ring for you, then there are some financial considerations there, and u can't ever deny that. Buy some ppl with $$ choose not to do an engagement ring and I think thats okay. But the woman I am, I am practical, and as long as u know what you're getting into (like u know he broke), then to each their own...love is love. But....my friend been married 3 mos and they're fussing about finances already (he work but she has to manage the $$ cause he has no control...with 3 kids under 4 she only can work part time... He works part time only also)! I just don't know about those 2 tho....And, she done lost the wedding band already....smh.


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[EMJazzy]

My husband proposed to me without a ring and our engagement was very much real as we were married 10 months later. Patience was definitely a virtue because he ended up purchasing a very nice engagement ring that matched perfectly with our wedding bands.

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[FlyyBohemian]

I need a ring, and I'm not a goldigger, but I only choose men that can afford rings.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

My husband proposed to me without a ring and our engagement was very much real as we were married 10 months later. Patience was definitely a virtue because he ended up purchasing a very nice engagement ring that matched perfectly with our wedding bands.

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You married a man with a plan! And that's what matters

Now not having a plan....I don't think so!

 

[Meemee6223]

Thank you. I think that's where some of this is coming from. People are pretending that they eschew material things but the reality is that the choice was made for them. Their SO couldn't afford a ring and they just felt they had to accept the proposal without. Being unable to buy a ring indicates that his finances may not be in such great shape.

No, I didn't get an engagement ring from dh but it's unfair for u to assume the only reason for not getting one is because he couldn't afford it. We also didn't have a wedding. That was also not because we couldn't afford it. My sister, on the other hand, had a big wedding which we put thousands towards because that's what SHE wanted. I don't like being the center of attention so I didn't want a wedding. We truly didn't care about that stuff. We loved eachother, that was enough. I never cared about not having a ring.

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[Meemee6223]

If he can't afford a ring he can't afford to be married. I'm not looking for the freaking Hope diamond. I know more than 1 person who's ring cost less than an iPhone. There is also nothing contradictory about my other statements. Talk IS cheap and nothing is a guarantee. I've been with my husband for over 10 yrs and we take marriage VERY seriously. Our commitment is forever and I'm glad he thought I was worth a ring. You know some of us are lucky like that. I didn't have to choose between true love and a ring. I got both.

Gosh, u make it seem like my dh didn't think I was "worth a ring" because he didn't give me one. We have been together since I was in 9th grade, with a few hiccups here and there, of course. We also take our marriage very seriously, so much so that we didn't need some piece of jewelry to prove that to ourselves or anyone else. If anything, my husband knows I married him for love and NOTHING else. Why do people automatically assume no ring means no money? If I can understand why some feel having a ring is important why can't others understand that not having a ring is not important?

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[Windsy]

Gosh, u make it seem like my dh didn't think I was "worth a ring" because he didn't give me one. We have been together since I was in 9th grade, with a few hiccups here and there, of course. We also take our marriage very seriously, so much so that we didn't need some piece of jewelry to prove that to ourselves or anyone else. If anything, my husband knows I married him for love and NOTHING else. Why do people automatically assume no ring means no money? If I can understand why some feel having a ring is important why can't others understand that not having a ring is not important?

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Because they're narrow-minded...you did what worked for you and your DH and that's all that mattered....

 

[p31woman]

I got engaged with a ring and I'll be honest, I probably would have felt awkward telling people we were engaged without the ring but it would not have stopped me from allowing DH & I to enter into that type of commitment at that time. No where does it state you have to have a ring to be "really engaged". I know quite a few people who have been engaged w/ a ring for YEARS with no clear wedding date in sight.

Would I judge you for being engaged w/ no ring...NO! Now come back here in 4 years still singing the same tune, we may have to have a heart to heart.

 

[Dposh167]

and i'm also not understanding this whole "if he can't afford a ring...then he can't afford to be married". Are we talking about affording a WEDDING?...or MARRIAGE? Cuz you don't need a ton of money to get married. Take your butt to the court house and go get it done. You do need money to have a wedding tho. I think some people are putting the two together.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

If he can't afford a ring he can't afford to be married. I'm not looking for the freaking Hope diamond. I know more than 1 person who's ring cost less than an iPhone. There is also nothing contradictory about my other statements. Talk IS cheap and nothing is a guarantee. I've been with my husband for over 10 yrs and we take marriage VERY seriously. Our commitment is forever and I'm glad he thought I was worth a ring. You know some of us are lucky like that. I didn't have to choose between true love and a ring. I got both.

THANK YOU! if some of y'all don't care for an engagement ring that is completely fine. if i'm with someone who knows me and that i'd prefer an engagement ring but can't afford what to me is a fairly small one time cost, considering how long and often i'll be wearing the ring, then i'd rather wait a few months to get engaged. Again, not everyone cares so for those people there's nothing wrong with at ringless engagement. SO and i have discussed the kind of wedding we would like, where we'd like to get married, church, heck even a honeymoon location. With how I was raised "Will you marry me?" is a hypothetical question w/o bent knee and a ring. Anyone who dates me would know this so no surprises on his part.

 

[Poohbear]

and i'm also not understanding this whole "if he can't afford a ring...then he can't afford to be married". Are we talking about affording a WEDDING?...or MARRIAGE? Cuz you don't need a ton of money to get married. Take your butt to the court house and go get it done. You do need money to have a wedding tho. I think some people are putting the two together.

Right on!

 

[MizAvalon]

We can be talking about getting engaged and planning to be married, but I would not consider myself engaged without the ring and a formal proposal.

Agreed. Unless there is a proper formal proposal and a ring, then I would never consider myself engaged.

My SO would never dream of asking unless he had a ring to offer.

 

[JayAnn0513]

Gosh, u make it seem like my dh didn't think I was "worth a ring" because he didn't give me one. We have been together since I was in 9th grade, with a few hiccups here and there, of course. We also take our marriage very seriously, so much so that we didn't need some piece of jewelry to prove that to ourselves or anyone else. If anything, my husband knows I married him for love and NOTHING else. Why do people automatically assume no ring means no money? If I can understand why some feel having a ring is important why can't others understand that not having a ring is not important?

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If you didn't want the ring, then you didn't want it and none of this applies to you.

If you wanted a ring, would have preferred a ring, asked for a ring, expressed a desire for a ring, etc... Then maybe what I said applies. I was only giving how I feel about my own situation. DH and I both valued a traditional engagement and a traditional wedding. So we planned accordingly. Like I said earlier it's what I valued. You have different values and that's fine. The question was would YOU get engaged without a ring and MY answer was no.

 

[JayAnn0513]

and i'm also not understanding this whole "if he can't afford a ring...then he can't afford to be married". Are we talking about affording a WEDDING?...or MARRIAGE? Cuz you don't need a ton of money to get married. Take your butt to the court house and go get it done. You do need money to have a wedding tho. I think some people are putting the two together.

I'm talking about affording a WIFE. It takes more than a $35 for a marriage certificate to afford taking responsibility for another person's well being. If buying a symbolic ring ( someone here mentioned $80) is going to set you back then maybe you should consider waiting before taking a wife. I'm sure some will say that they don't need their future DH to take care if them because they work but between this recession, the possibility of getting pregnant and having complications, etc. I feel more secure knowing our world won't crumble if something happens to my income.

 

[LiftedUp]

My parents got married without an "engagement" or "engagement ring". I think that was the status quo back in the day. They just decided to get married. The ring she picked out for her wedding day was gorgeous though.

eta: It's 2011 and I want an engagment ring

 

[divya]

I realize that because having a ring is the norm, so the people never stop to think that some people may not have a ring for different reasons (religion, culture, couple's personal decision).

 

[shenitab]

I don't see anything wrong with getting engaged without a ring. I got engaged on the night I graduated from college with a cute but fake (straight cubic zirconia) ring and that did not bother me at all. We picked out the ring together about a month later I think. I loved it. We got married and purchased a home together within four months of getting engaged. I got a new ring with new stones added about two years ago for Valentines day. Unfortunately, the biggest stone fell out and I was so upset. He told me not to worry about it, he would get me a new ring. I told him it wouldn't be the same. This year we celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary and I got a huuge upgrade that he picked out himself. Said he kept telling the person at the jewelry store to go bigger.

ETA
I didn't give a rat's behind about what anyone else thought about my first ring and I wouldn't have cared what anyone said if I became engaged without a ring at all. To me, getting engaged and getting married was a lot more important. I think that too many people put too much of an emphasis on the ring and the wedding only to be divorced within a few years. They might as well have went to the courthouse and saved the money they spent on the other stuff or just had a small wedding or reception only.

I think a lot of people are very materialistic and self centered. I think that probably turns a lot of men off. I know it turns me off (when men are that way and when women are that way). There are just some things that I don't understand. Making sure that you are ready for marriage is important, making sure that you are marrying the right person is important, making sure that the both of you are on the same page when it comes to kids and finances is important. Making sure that you have a fantabulous ring that you can show to your friends and family is not that important. There is only so much you are going to be able to do with that ring when the marriage is over. That ring is not going to be able to pick you up off the floor when your husband tells you that he is tired of your materialistic and showboating ways.

Maybe if you are not able to accept a proposal without a ring, you are not ready to get married. Is it due to a belief that he would never get you a ring or would you feel disrespected because he didn't get one at the time of the proposal? Would having a ring make you feel better on the inside?

 

[divya]

If I got engaged, I wouldn't tell anyone until I had a ring. Who wants to be in that awkward position of trying to explain why you don't have a ring?

ETA: I have an acquaintance who's "engaged" without a ring....I usually don't believe it's TRULY an engagement without a ring. I usually think the person is just saying something to save face or just hoping.

I did it without a ring and it wasn't awkward to explain because it's my religion. It kind of makes me smile & shake my head a little when hear people state that they really don't believe or assume people are saving face or hoping. Hearing that is a reminder of how unexposed some people are to different practices in the world.

YOU can call. It BS but the ring is also kind of a reminder that the person is committed about soon to be married.

I see no point in always trying to act as though every tradition or "rule" is somehow silly. That's just a way to continue eroding the boundaries of being engaged and ultimately being married... The same way people say that nonsense about how they don't want to get married if marriage is just a piece of paper.

I dont plan on getting married but when I DID still want to get married, i knew I would not get engaged without a ring. Doesn't matter if it's being sized or not. Have it there when you propose or expect to hear me say, "no." if he doesn't have a ring for me, it raises more than one red flag, the main one being that he may not have the financial means to support a life with me.

It's certainly not BS at all, but it isn't everyone's tradition, culture, religion etc. It's a reminder for those, such as yourself, belonging to that particular group (and yes, that is a large group). My parents got engaged and married without rings. They have been married over 30 yrs. The same with my godparents and so many other couples in my experience. In our religion, we believe in simplicity so many people do not get engaged/married with rings. If they do, some of them keep it extremely simple (just a band).

My neighbor also got engaged & married without a ring. She's Indian and in her particular culture it is a necklace called the mangalsutra which symbolizes marriage, not a ring. Only after living in the U.S., she decided to get a ring so that people here would know she is married.

I kinda make a mental note when someone tells me about their engagement and don't have a ring. It has never been my intention to "put someone on the spot" to ask to see the ring, but it's my 1st reaction to congratulate them and my 2nd reaction to look at their left hand. If that is an embarrassment to them, maybe they need to wonder why.

Basically, I think if you're traditional enough to even get married, then you would be traditional enough to expect a ring. This is not directed at any particular person, just saying.

Again, people have different traditions. Since I am traditional enough to get married then I am traditional enough to adhere to the traditions within my culture, religion etc. Not yours or anyone else's traditions.

Of course, when your tradition is different, you don't feel that someone is putting you on the spot (well from my experience). You just explain the difference if asked and keep it moving.

 

[meesch]

Monkey see, monkey do is what I see here. And we all wonder why people end up in cults. They are told this is how things must be. And so that becomes their law. Why it's so important, they can't really tell you. Just can't afford to be seen not looking like the Joneses. God forbid people know I claim to be engaged and my man appear too cheap to buy me a ring. I remember another chick venting on a forum about how her man was going to buy her a 1/3 carat ring but she wanted 1 carat. WTF is all that about?

Like I said, rings are fun and OK, but y'all need to get your priorities right. So focused on material things you forget to focus on the important things. And we wonder why marriages just seem like a joke these days.

The hilarious part about this is that you are accusing people of the sort of groupthink that lands people in cults meanwhile you are pissed off that people aren't agreeing with your opinions. Wouldn't that just be more of the stuff that gets people in cults? So nobody's allowed to have the same and similar opinions unless it's the one you happen to hold?

I don't want a ring for its material purposes. I mean, it'd be nice to have a fancy ring because my future husband has bank, but for myself and I'm assuming at least some other women, the ring is important because of its symbolism. The ring is a concrete, physical symbol of the intention of marriage and as such it means more and something different than just a verbal promise of marriage. It puts action behind the intent, and for some women, that carries more weight than words alone.

Almost every item and purchase we make in life is a symbol of something (you purchased that degree, you want evidence of your education. You purchased that fancy car, you want evidence of your flashy thinking. You purchased that macbook, iphone, purse, prada eyeglasses, whatever, you are communicating something about yourself via your posessions). As painful as it appears to be, an engagement ring is a symbol of that romantic union. And it's not materialistic or foolish or evidence of out of whack priorities.

 

[Ediese]

Honestly, I expect a ring too, but I'd also like to get a house right away. My SO and I have already talked about our plans to wed. At the current time, he's trying to pay off his debt, and will probably not get one until that point. When I really think about it, I'd prefer for us to just get married and put the money for a big wedding/ring towards the downpayment of a house. His place is nice and all, but I want us to purchase a home together. I don't think I'd be happy with a cheap ring. lol It would either have to be really nice, which equates to expensive, or none at all. He knows that.

 

[meesch]

My good friend didn't have an engagement ring simply because her man couldn't afford one. They already had 3 kids so every1 who knew them wasn't surprised about no ring, and she didn't make excuses for him either. They'd been shacking for years an after they agreed on a date, they got married 7 mos after the engagement was "official".

Exactly... and look what that communicates about that couple. I think the kind of woman who would demand a formal engagement as well as a ring would be unlikely to be shacking up with her baby daddy of multiple kids for several years before she even got married in the first place... you see what I mean?

I mean, obviously I understand the argument of being conscious of what is more important in a marriage, i.e., the functionality of the relationship two people share rather than tokens and symbols of love, but it still comes back to standards... I think people should be honest with themselves and ask how they would feel if their dude that they really loved and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with didn't even think the "covenant" was worth a piece of jewelry... How would you really feel if your boo asked you to get married with no formalities? And I'm not talking about discussion of marriage, because I expect every serious couple to have serious talks and considerations of marriage, but for the actual proposal?

"Babe... I want to marry you."

Big grin, no ring... boy, please. Do better.

 

[Enyo]

I'm talking about affording a WIFE. It takes more than a $35 for a marriage certificate to afford taking responsibility for another person's well being. If buying a symbolic ring ( someone here mentioned $80) is going to set you back then maybe you should consider waiting before taking a wife. I'm sure some will say that they don't need their future DH to take care if them because they work but between this recession, the possibility of getting pregnant and having complications, etc. I feel more secure knowing our world won't crumble if something happens to my income.

During the most depressed parts of the recession, it was said that more men lost their jobs than women. My ex-husband was a lawyer, but he had a blood condition that could have him in the hospital or on mandatory home rest. It seems like you're implying that it's OK for the future wife to come in broke/near-broke but a man has to make money just because he's a male. Yes, most of us will get pregnant, but still, stuff can happen to our men just as easily. Finances are a huge reason marriages break up, but I highly doubt that it's mainly because the man isn't making enough money.

 

[meesch]

During the most depressed parts of the recession, it was said that more men lost their jobs than women. My ex-husband was a lawyer, but he had a blood condition that could have him in the hospital or on mandatory home rest. It seems like you're implying that it's OK for the future wife to come in broke/near-broke but a man has to make money just because he's a male. Yes, most of us will get pregnant, but still, stuff can happen to our men just as easily. Finances are a huge reason marriages break up, but I highly doubt that it's mainly because the man isn't making enough money.

Is that not the reality of life in pretty much every culture? Not least of all because when you examine wages in any given country, men are generally paid more than women even at the same positions? There are several factors that make the assumption of men being in a better position to be the primary wage earner just because he is male a logical conclusion. I'm not saying it's right or that that's the way it should be but that is the way it IS, so what's wrong with that implication?

Everyone always starts reinventing the wheel and questioning common norms when their views conflict with another proposed view... some of the women in this thread who claim they didn't need an engagement ring to be married all say that they went back and later got the engagement ring... ok what you needed to go back and get it for if it didn't matter so much? And is that actually not a CLEAR admission that the reason why they didn't have the ring to begin with was because his finances weren't straight? I mean, I don't understand what the contention is because really everyone is saying the same thing, only people are dressing it up differently.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

I got engaged without a ring and got married two weeks later *shrug*
We knew what we wanted and there was no time for game playing or staying engaged for 10 years. We wanted each other for life and ring or no ring it was going down

 

[JayAnn0513]

During the most depressed parts of the recession, it was said that more men lost their jobs than women. My ex-husband was a lawyer, but he had a blood condition that could have him in the hospital or on mandatory home rest. It seems like you're implying that it's OK for the future wife to come in broke/near-broke but a man has to make money just because he's a male. Yes, most of us will get pregnant, but still, stuff can happen to our men just as easily. Finances are a huge reason marriages break up, but I highly doubt that it's mainly because the man isn't making enough money.

Because I e-know you I know we are never going to agree on this. It is generally more acceptable that a woman be broke at engagement than a man. Mostly because he's the one that usually does the asking. Yes, more men lost jobs in the recession that women. As a result there have been fewer marriages and children born.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

I think people should be honest with themselves and ask how they would feel if their dude that they really loved and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with didn't even think the "covenant" was worth a piece of jewelry... How would you really feel if your boo asked you to get married with no formalities? And I'm not talking about discussion of marriage, because I expect every serious couple to have serious talks and considerations of marriage, but for the actual proposal?
.

I felt just fine
His mom passed her ring down and he proposed with that for the sake of
symbolism. I never wore it and I'm good with that. We didnt have a traditional wedding either and I'm good with that too.

 

[Guitarhero]

The ring is part of the contract. Nobody has to have an engagement ring, but if somebody is so darned cheap and/or allows me to be so cheap regarding this part of the engagement... When you skimp now...there are more skimping days to come and you may not like it at all.

 

[meesch]

I felt just fine
His mom passed her ring down and he proposed with that for the sake of
symbolism. I never wore it and I'm good with that. We didnt have a traditional wedding either and I'm good with that too.

Ehhhhhhhhhh I don't think that's the same thing because you DID get a ring, even if you didn't want it. That's different from not even being offered a ring to begin with. (Btw, I don't think there is any difference in an heirloom ring and a purchased ring, but like I said before for me it has nothing to do with how much the ring cost.)

 

[Transformer]

Most insurance policies don't pay out for suicide. And don't try to blame this woman for this man's selfish act.

First--I got married without a ring....didn't get one until 16th year--didn't matter. He had it reset last year--still don't wear it.

Second--Insurance companies must pay even for suicides if the policy has been enforced for at least 3 years. Reason being --folks that are going to commit suicide usually don't hold out for three years waiting for the policy to kick in.

 

[JayAnn0513]

I felt just fine
His mom passed her ring down and he proposed with that for the sake of
symbolism. I never wore it and I'm good with that. We didnt have a traditional wedding either and I'm good with that too.

That's sweet! My MIL ain't giving up her original ring or her upgraded ring. We just hope she doesn't ask to be buried with it because she will be disappointed, lol.