Gains And Losses In A Marriage

I'm only engaged so my experience is limited but here goes.

Gains
His income
Constant companionship
Clean lovemaking:look:
Social protection for my future children
Ease of some household chores

Losses
Some privacy
Having to deal with my future in laws
My body (though this is not entirely his fault)
Having to cook more
 
Not married yet but, as I get older, I'm realizing the importance of covering and that is one of the main things, if not the main thing that I expect to gain. I expect to lose some "freedom" in terms of personal time, as we'll have to merge schedules/lives, etc. but for the former, it'll be worth it.
 
Gains
- partner
- dual parenting
- friendship
- extra income
- companionship
- goal setting and teamwork
- benefits of his family (this is true if they are not crazy; my husband's family is OK)
- building a future together -- the possibilities
- encouragement
- knowing different aspect of yourself
- family

Losses

- some female friendship - especially if they are not married
- all the fine guys you now cant date or color with (who of course you meet all the time once your married!)
- marriage is all about giving so you lose a lot of arguments, entitlements, being right, etc...
- dynamics change with your family relationships -- my sister and I used to live together on and off, obviously when I got married that changed
- compromising
- compromising
- compromising
- not being able to just do what you want to do when you want to do it (for example, relocating for a new job, studying abroad, etc)
- if you have kids then you will have two jobs --- your day job if you work and then your second job when you come home

That's all I can think of for now...
 
I've been married for 15 years.

Gains
More income
Better credit score
Learn to live below my means and be a better steward over the money that I have
A friend who keeps his word
Someone who loves me unconditionally
Stability

Losses
I thought that I would be emotionally covered. I don't feel covered when it comes to my in laws.

I've lost friends.

I chose to be a SAHM, so I've lost my career.
 
Gains
Partner
Friendship...FINALLY after much of our earlier struggles
Protector
Knowledge of self
Financial increase
Education of life way beyond things I knew
Electrician, carpenter, builder, etc can do it all and do it well

Losses
Some privacy
Rose colored glasses on what I thought marriage was
Compromising --something that was not easy for me as an only child
 
FemmeFatale said:
I think it's interesting that a few of you mentioned friends! Wow, why is that?
Click to expand...
I say friends with a whole different meaning and expectation now. Being green behind the ears earlier in my marriage, I expected my dh to be the same kind of friend my female friends were. Compassionate, a great listener, understood you without question, etc. But I learned over time men communicate, listen and respond in a different way. They are about solutions and practicality..when you force your ideals of friendship on them, it makes things worse. Add, being with someone who had is own personality quirks (that he had to be willing to examine)....anywho.
ETA: I also found that when I let him be, he became some of what I needed. I felt once the pressure was off of him, he relaxed and compromised more.

I'm sure many of y'all knew this (about marriage) already but I did not grow up with a man IN my household, my parents divorced when I was 5 or 6 years old and I dealt with both of them on an individual basis as they never remarried... While education by observation could provide some experience, there is no education like what you can get in your household growing up. All I knew was independent, strong, educated women in my life, some married, most not.
 
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ChasingBliss said:
I say friends with a whole different meaning and expectation now. Being green behind the ears earlier in my marriage, I expected my dh to be the same kind of friend my female friends were. Compassionate, a great listener, understood you without question, etc. But I learned over time men communicate, listen and respond in a different way. They are about solutions and practicality..when you force your ideals of friendship on them, it makes things worse. Add, being with someone who had is own personality quirks (that he had to be willing to examine)....anywho.

I'm sure many of y'all knew this already but I did not grow up with a man IN my household, my parents divorced when I was 5 or 6 years old and I dealth with both of them on an individual basis as they never remarried... While education by observation could provide some experience, there is no education like what you can get in your household growing up. All I knew was independent, strong, educated women in my life, some married, most not.
Click to expand...

Sorry I should've clarified, I meant the loss of female friends. I'm great friends with my SO so I totally get it in marriage and I look forward to it.
 
FemmeFatale said:
I think it's interesting that a few of you mentioned friends! Wow, why is that?
Click to expand...

Single friends don't quite get it. Married friends of course are into their husbands. Then there is the competition. I'm not that way but I find my married friends sometimes compare and I don't like being around people when I feel like there's a score card. Some single women resent that you are married so they can be critical but don't know what they are talking about. I finally found a friend that is married that I trust to tell about personal issues and we are both honest about the not so great part of marriage. I know if I needed to call her at 2am in the morning or if it was going through it with my husband and she would be right there with a scripture to see me through. It took me 15 years to find a friend like this. When you are single a lot of your female conversations center around dating ( not anymore now cause you're married )and going out to have fun shopping - which you still can do but you have to think of just more than you now.
 
FemmeFatale said:
I think it's interesting that a few of you mentioned friends! Wow, why is that?
Click to expand...

I think women tend to be competitive in their personal lives. I was the first one among my core group of friends to get married and while they were happy for me in their own way, it came as a shock to them. I was the underdog and unfortunately they fed off of that. One of my dearest friends became a totally different person. I was hurt by her actions and it took years for me to get over it. I remember when I became pregnant one of my friends paused and said, "Now you have everything." The way she said it made me uncomfortable. When I miscarried a few weeks later one of the first things she asked me was how I would feel if she got pregnant before me. Again, it took a while for me to accept the fact that she was envious and that our friendship had changed.
 
mrselle said:
I think women tend to be competitive in their personal lives. I was the first one among my core group of friends to get married and while they were happy for me in their own way, it came as a shock to them. I was the underdog and unfortunately they fed off of that. One of my dearest friends became a totally different person. I was hurt by her actions and it took years for me to get over it. I remember when I became pregnant one of my friends paused and said, "Now you have everything." The way she said it made me uncomfortable. When I miscarried a few weeks later one of the first things she asked me was how I would feel if she got pregnant before me. Again, it took a while for me to accept the fact that she was envious and that our friendship had changed.
Click to expand...

Whew Jesus! I'm so sorry you went through that, were any of those women bridesmaids?
 
Sky said:
Single friends don't quite get it. Married friends of course are into their husbands. Then there is the competition. I'm not that way but I find my married friends sometimes compare and I don't like being around people when I feel like there's a score card. Some single women resent that you are married so they can be critical but don't know what they are talking about. I finally found a friend that is married that I trust to tell about personal issues and we are both honest about the not so great part of marriage. I know if I needed to call her at 2am in the morning or if it was going through it with my husband and she would be right there with a scripture to see me through. It took me 15 years to find a friend like this. When you are single a lot of your female conversations center around dating ( not anymore now cause you're married )and going out to have fun shopping - which you still can do but you have to think of just more than you now.
Click to expand...

Ahh I see what you mean, it gets kinda hard even when you're in a serious relationship and everyone else isn't..people disappear on you for multiple reasons or just start acting funny.
 
Gains:
  • Unconditional love and acceptance
  • Covering and protection (spiritually, emotional and physical)
  • Honored to be his best friend and confidant
  • New and shared experiences as a Couple
  • Big, traditional family that values marriage
  • Financial wealth
  • New Home
  • Brings out my femininity / more discipline to stay "THAT GIRL"
  • Permanent +1 and companion
  • New role as a wife is exciting commitment
  • More peace of mind (I don't have to make decisions or have all of the answers on my own)
  • Perceived stability (others view you as more responsible and "safe" woman now)

Losses:
  • Unstructured free time
  • Unstructured diet, social life
  • Paying my own way
  • Jealous or insecure girlfriends (both married or single)
  • Emotional roller-coaster of dating
  • Dateless nights, events or vacations (got tired of girls' nights)
  • Being perceived as potential "threat" because you're attractive and single OR
  • Folks wondering if you're gay, because you are single and no kids
 
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This is a great thread, I hope more ladies chime in.

Gains:
Protection and Covering-Physical, emotional, financial.
Companionship-DH and I spend almost all of our free time together
Married Sex-I don't know why people rag on married sex so much. My sex life is actually much better now than it ever was when I was single because I finally feel free to do any and everything. It's awesome.
Family Support-I have no family in the area so it's nice to have DH's family to lean on if we need anything.


Losses:
Downtime-I was single and lived alone for many years. When I walked into my house there was peace and quiet and I enjoyed that. Even when DH and I were dating I loved coming back home to the tranquility of my house after staying at his place for the weekend. I admit that I sometimes still struggle with the fact that since I am married now that I can't retreat into a little cocoon when I don't feel like being bothered.
Complete control of my social schedule-When I was single I went where I wanted and did what I wanted. Now that I'm married I may have to attend a work event or a family party that I may not necessarily want to go to. It's not a huge deal but it took a while for me to adjust to having to ask DH if we have any other plans before I commit to something else.

I wouldn't say that I have really lost any friends since becoming married but the dynamics have changed somewhat. I definitely lost friends when they joined the ranks of motherhood though. Chicks literally stop calling you after they have kids.
 
mrselle said:
I've been married for 15 years.

Gains
More income
Better credit score
Learn to live below my means and be a better steward over the money that I have
A friend who keeps his word
Someone who loves me unconditionally
Stability

Losses
I thought that I would be emotionally covered. I don't feel covered when it comes to my in laws.

I've lost friends.

I chose to be a SAHM, so I've lost my career.
Click to expand...
Can I ask you more about being a SAHM? I have two kids and now we are pretty sure that's what will happen. I feel I'm losing my career that I worked hard for but my kids are more important right now logically .

My husband is amazing and saying I don't need to keep the kids home and I can work in a side business but I will miss working and I'm scared I will get depressed and be frumpy in sweat pants... I'm getting fatter and haven't quit yet I'm just so stressed and eating a lot.

How did you handle this?
 
MizAvalon said:
This is a great thread, I hope more ladies chime in.



Losses:
Downtime-I was single and lived alone for many years. When I walked into my house there was peace and quiet and I enjoyed that. Even when DH and I were dating I loved coming back home to the tranquility of my house after staying at his place for the weekend. I admit that I sometimes still struggle with the fact that since I am married now that I can't retreat into a little cocoon when I don't feel like being bothered.
.
Click to expand...

THIS.

It's even more of a struggle when you are an only child and have always been used to you own personal space.
 
JustDoIt said:
Can I ask you more about being a SAHM? I have two kids and now we are pretty sure that's what will happen. I feel I'm losing my career that I worked hard for but my kids are more important right now logically .

My husband is amazing and saying I don't need to keep the kids home and I can work in a side business but I will miss working and I'm scared I will get depressed and be frumpy in sweat pants... I'm getting fatter and haven't quit yet I'm just so stressed and eating a lot.

How did you handle this?
Click to expand...

The best advice I can give is to remember who you are as a woman. I've been a SAHM for almost seven years and while I love being with my children I often ask myself what happened. I've lost a lot of myself and I'm struggling to figure out how to get me back. The key is to find the balance between being the kind of mother you want to be to your children and the kind of woman you want to be for youself. Do you have the option to work from home part-time? Starting up a side business sounds great. Both options allows you to be available to your children while keeping something for yourself.

I would encourage you to maintain a daily schedule. I'm happiest when I stick to a schedule and when I keep myself busy. I volunteer at my kids schools as often as I can and I tend to stay on top of household chores, but I also make sure to treat myself once a week to a lunch that like. I get dressed everyday, meaning a cute outfit, hair and makeup done. I'm not wearing slacks and a blouse, but jeans and a cute top. Something casual, but I still look put together. I try to go to the gym or when the weather is nice I go walking in my neighborhood after I drop the kids off at school. It makes me feel good physically and it improves my mood. I would also encourage you to find other SAHMs in your area. One of my dearest friends is a SAHM too and while she doesn't live near me anymore, I still find it helpful to chat with her on a regular basis. It is easy to become so isolated that you forget other mothers have the same or similar challenges.
 
Gains
New Home expenses (it was easier though because of two incomes)
Two incomes (which are better than one)
Two parent home for children
Food test-taster
Someone to walk with on my Christian journey
Companionship

Losses
Some of my friends (they either felt I was now too busy or out of place)
Freedom (I'm selfish...If I go buy some food I don't want to have to buy you food too)
Carefree approach (I can't just up and say I'm going xyz out of respect for DH)
Certain tax deduction O_o
Impulsive sex (I like variety and newness)
I just met you conversations (again I like newness)
Control of the TV (lol We don't like the same things)
My own family (I don't like his family and don't want to pretend I do)
Freedom of not cooking (I feel it's lazy to not cook when you have a DH...not everyday but at least 3 out of 7 days)
 
mrselle said:
The best advice I can give is to remember who you are as a woman. I've been a SAHM for almost seven years and while I love being with my children I often ask myself what happened. I've lost a lot of myself and I'm struggling to figure out how to get me back. The key is to find the balance between being the kind of mother you want to be to your children and the kind of woman you want to be for youself. Do you have the option to work from home part-time? Starting up a side business sounds great. Both options allows you to be available to your children while keeping something for yourself.

I would encourage you to maintain a daily schedule. I'm happiest when I stick to a schedule and when I keep myself busy. I volunteer at my kids schools as often as I can and I tend to stay on top of household chores, but I also make sure to treat myself once a week to a lunch that like. I get dressed everyday, meaning a cute outfit, hair and makeup done. I'm not wearing slacks and a blouse, but jeans and a cute top. Something casual, but I still look put together. I try to go to the gym or when the weather is nice I go walking in my neighborhood after I drop the kids off at school. It makes me feel good physically and it improves my mood. I would also encourage you to find other SAHMs in your area. One of my dearest friends is a SAHM too and while she doesn't live near me anymore, I still find it helpful to chat with her on a regular basis. It is easy to become so isolated that you forget other mothers have the same or similar challenges.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much for this advice. I really appreciate it. Even now I find myself feeling best and happiest when I eat well and exercise and spend some time on me. I'm a much happier mum then.

Thanks again for the advice I really appreciate it
 
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