I say friends with a whole different meaning and expectation now. Being green behind the ears earlier in my marriage, I expected my dh to be the same kind of friend my female friends were. Compassionate, a great listener, understood you without question, etc. But I learned over time men communicate, listen and respond in a different way. They are about solutions and practicality..when you force your ideals of friendship on them, it makes things worse. Add, being with someone who had is own personality quirks (that he had to be willing to examine)....anywho.I think it's interesting that a few of you mentioned friends! Wow, why is that?
I say friends with a whole different meaning and expectation now. Being green behind the ears earlier in my marriage, I expected my dh to be the same kind of friend my female friends were. Compassionate, a great listener, understood you without question, etc. But I learned over time men communicate, listen and respond in a different way. They are about solutions and practicality..when you force your ideals of friendship on them, it makes things worse. Add, being with someone who had is own personality quirks (that he had to be willing to examine)....anywho.
I'm sure many of y'all knew this already but I did not grow up with a man IN my household, my parents divorced when I was 5 or 6 years old and I dealth with both of them on an individual basis as they never remarried... While education by observation could provide some experience, there is no education like what you can get in your household growing up. All I knew was independent, strong, educated women in my life, some married, most not.
I think it's interesting that a few of you mentioned friends! Wow, why is that?
LOL it's ok.Sorry I should've clarified, I meant the loss of female friends. I'm great friends with my SO so I totally get it in marriage and I look forward to it.
I think it's interesting that a few of you mentioned friends! Wow, why is that?
I think women tend to be competitive in their personal lives. I was the first one among my core group of friends to get married and while they were happy for me in their own way, it came as a shock to them. I was the underdog and unfortunately they fed off of that. One of my dearest friends became a totally different person. I was hurt by her actions and it took years for me to get over it. I remember when I became pregnant one of my friends paused and said, "Now you have everything." The way she said it made me uncomfortable. When I miscarried a few weeks later one of the first things she asked me was how I would feel if she got pregnant before me. Again, it took a while for me to accept the fact that she was envious and that our friendship had changed.
Single friends don't quite get it. Married friends of course are into their husbands. Then there is the competition. I'm not that way but I find my married friends sometimes compare and I don't like being around people when I feel like there's a score card. Some single women resent that you are married so they can be critical but don't know what they are talking about. I finally found a friend that is married that I trust to tell about personal issues and we are both honest about the not so great part of marriage. I know if I needed to call her at 2am in the morning or if it was going through it with my husband and she would be right there with a scripture to see me through. It took me 15 years to find a friend like this. When you are single a lot of your female conversations center around dating ( not anymore now cause you're married )and going out to have fun shopping - which you still can do but you have to think of just more than you now.
Whew Jesus! I'm so sorry you went through that, were any of those women bridesmaids?
Wow! Sorry to hear....Both of them were bridesmaids.
Can I ask you more about being a SAHM? I have two kids and now we are pretty sure that's what will happen. I feel I'm losing my career that I worked hard for but my kids are more important right now logically .I've been married for 15 years.
Gains
More income
Better credit score
Learn to live below my means and be a better steward over the money that I have
A friend who keeps his word
Someone who loves me unconditionally
Stability
Losses
I thought that I would be emotionally covered. I don't feel covered when it comes to my in laws.
I've lost friends.
I chose to be a SAHM, so I've lost my career.
This is a great thread, I hope more ladies chime in.
Losses:
Downtime-I was single and lived alone for many years. When I walked into my house there was peace and quiet and I enjoyed that. Even when DH and I were dating I loved coming back home to the tranquility of my house after staying at his place for the weekend. I admit that I sometimes still struggle with the fact that since I am married now that I can't retreat into a little cocoon when I don't feel like being bothered.
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Can I ask you more about being a SAHM? I have two kids and now we are pretty sure that's what will happen. I feel I'm losing my career that I worked hard for but my kids are more important right now logically .
My husband is amazing and saying I don't need to keep the kids home and I can work in a side business but I will miss working and I'm scared I will get depressed and be frumpy in sweat pants... I'm getting fatter and haven't quit yet I'm just so stressed and eating a lot.
How did you handle this?
Thanks so much for this advice. I really appreciate it. Even now I find myself feeling best and happiest when I eat well and exercise and spend some time on me. I'm a much happier mum then.The best advice I can give is to remember who you are as a woman. I've been a SAHM for almost seven years and while I love being with my children I often ask myself what happened. I've lost a lot of myself and I'm struggling to figure out how to get me back. The key is to find the balance between being the kind of mother you want to be to your children and the kind of woman you want to be for youself. Do you have the option to work from home part-time? Starting up a side business sounds great. Both options allows you to be available to your children while keeping something for yourself.
I would encourage you to maintain a daily schedule. I'm happiest when I stick to a schedule and when I keep myself busy. I volunteer at my kids schools as often as I can and I tend to stay on top of household chores, but I also make sure to treat myself once a week to a lunch that like. I get dressed everyday, meaning a cute outfit, hair and makeup done. I'm not wearing slacks and a blouse, but jeans and a cute top. Something casual, but I still look put together. I try to go to the gym or when the weather is nice I go walking in my neighborhood after I drop the kids off at school. It makes me feel good physically and it improves my mood. I would also encourage you to find other SAHMs in your area. One of my dearest friends is a SAHM too and while she doesn't live near me anymore, I still find it helpful to chat with her on a regular basis. It is easy to become so isolated that you forget other mothers have the same or similar challenges.