Friends With The Ex

[Anacaona]

What is your policy on staying in touch with ex-boyfriends/SOs/Husbands? What is your policy with current SOs on staying in touch with their ex-girlfriends/wives?

This recently came up (in an argument ) with my SO. He casually mentioned one of his exes being on a trip to Italy, which raised an eyebrow with me because I wasn't aware that they were keeping in touch much less sharing trips and plans, and I am team "it's disrespectful to your new SO/relationship." I don't try to forge a friendship or keep in touch once a relationship ends to avoid issues/questionable situations. He knows this but tried it anyway.

What are your thoughts??

 

[IslandMummy]

Depends on why/how/when the relationship ended.

 

[mrselle]

Depends. I'm not friends with any of my ex-boyfriends and I don't have a need to be friends with any of them. If I see them out in passing, I speak and we may engage in light conversation, but other than that there is no regular contact.

 

[guyaneseyankee]

Nope and nope. I don't keep in contact with my exes and my husband doesn't keep in contact with his exes

ETA: Children's other parent is an exception of course

 

[GodsPromises]

I'm friends with some of my ex's and some I'm not it depends on how we broke up, the same with my DH. His ex-wife is an FB friend of his and I could care least. It's not a worry of mine. Now if you are talking to said ex every day then there is a major problem but a casually how you doing or catching up one every 6 months no problem for me nor my DH.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

Sure, with reasonable boundaries.

 

[lesedi]

How long have you been with him?
How long ago did they break up?
Did your man introduce you to her?

 

[Dee-Licious]

How long have you been with him?
How long ago did they break up?
Did your man introduce you to her?

And is this info about the trip posted publicly on her fb where if they have mutual friends he could have seen the likes/comments?

I still would have clicked if mine brought up another woman let alone her vacation in the midst of an argument.

 

[quirkydimples]

I am team "it's disrespectful to your new SO/relationship." I don't try to forge a friendship or keep in touch once a relationship ends to avoid issues/questionable situations.

I feel the same way. Maybe I could see it if you were once close friends who ended up dating (not really), but other than that - why? I'm not friends with any of my exes, but I'm the kind of person who when I'm done with you...I'm done.

 

[mzpurp]

I would say it depends. But then I am trying to get rid of following exes on SM. I realized I was friends w/ a couple guys I'd either dated or in relationships with and was like "why are we friends?" So I went on an unfriending spree, not sure if anyone noticed but oh well.

 

[Lylddlebit]

I am not able to because I love too hard. I have been stalked by all but one of my exes and even he had his scary moments when he realized I was gone for real. So I am not able to because I don't playing with volatile male behavior. Especially when their emotions can't reconcile with the actions that caused the consequence called our break up. If u have the best of me while we are together there is nothing to hold on to once we end when we are through. I was lenient with my first full fledged relationship but learned every lesson I needed to from That experience and drew firm lines as a result. I do find it disrespectful when most ppl keep contact with exes it blurs lines and at best is usually inappropriate. My husband feels the same way I do about it blurring lines and being inappropriate.

 

[guyaneseyankee]

I would say it depends. But then I am trying to get rid of following exes on SM. I realized I was friends w/ a couple guys I'd either dated or in relationships with and was like "why are we friends?" So I went on an unfriending spree, not sure if anyone noticed but oh well.

I just cleaned mine up too. DH doesn't like it, so I oblige. And I "didn't" like his past chicks on his, so he cleaned it up.

 

[MissNina]

I make sure to keep in touch with two of my exes Bc they will do anything for me. I'm never keeping either of them completely out of pocket. Most others follow me on social media. They like my pics and maybe DM every now and then, but idc Bc I curve everybody lol

I'm a hypocrite tho Bc I would not ever allow my man to be friends with his ex. Idc if they dated in the sandbox, absolutely not. Women have more self control then men in that regard, IMO. I'd legit go crazy if bae mentioned an ex in an argument.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I see no reason to be friends with an ex. Just let go. Do we really need to be in contact with them? I grew to believe in clean breaks. It's healthier. If we couldn't stay in a relationship, where the heck we gonna pull friendship from?

 

[Sosoothing]

I got rid of my exes when DH and I decided to get married. He and I have the same beliefs about this issue. Exes have no reason to be in either of our lives as a married couple.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I got rid of my exes when DH and I decided to get married. He and I have the same beliefs about this issue. Exes have no reason to be in either of our lives as a married couple.

Yes, it definitely MUST be a two way street on this one.

 

[Thump]

I am cool with all of mine except my daughters father and he still slips me BD & MD's cards with money under my welcome rug on my porch. He has been doing it since 1995
I hear from the rest on all major holidays via phone call or text, mostly phone calls

 

[BonBon]

Depends on who it is.

There's one I'm still cool with and catch up with very occasionally. I'll never fully cut ties with him purposefully unless something happened. My FH isn't bothered about it and he has him on FB too (we have mutual associates) and they'll say happy birthday or whatever. It's still a case by case basis though as there are certain guys from my past he would not be happy with me being friendly with.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Ok I'm thinking being cool, like speaking when seeing them in the street or an occasional hello, does not constitute friendship. Maybe I take friendship too seriously...I dunno.

 

[boudoir]

No and NO.

What purpose does an EX serve to you post relationship?
What benefits does an EX provide post relationship?

It seems like an attachment thing to ppl. Let go and move on to happier times with and respect your new relationship.

only EX present is the later X in the alphabet. KIM

 

[KidneyBean86]

I don't speak to my exes. I think I'm still friends with one of FB though.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

And is this info about the trip posted publicly on her fb where if they have mutual friends he could have seen the likes/comments?

I still would have clicked if mine brought up another woman let alone her vacation in the midst of an argument.

That part is weird. Bringing up another man or woman during an argument is out of bounds and suspect.

 

[BonBon]

^ I agree bringing another woman into an argument kinda odd and I would be annoyed.

At the end of the day you set the boundaries of what you are comfortable with OP. If he knew this clearly and still kept contact with someone without your knowledge I understand why you're pissed. I'm strict about boundaries and I feel he has crossed yours.

 

[Anacaona]

How long have you been with him?
How long ago did they break up?
Did your man introduce you to her?

-We've been together for about 6 months, official about 5
-They broke up about a year ago
-Nope, have no idea who she is, no name, no pics

I should clarify though, him mentioning her (that she just texted him and is in Italy) is what led to the argument, he didn't bring her up during an argument. What bothers me about the situation is us having a conversation about this very issue when we first met (me choosing not to stay in touch with my ex because it's disrespectful to the next man), and him casually sliding it in when he knows my stance.

Call me jealous/insecure, I don't like it

 

[mrselle]

-We've been together for about 6 months, official about 5
-They broke up about a year ago
-Nope, have no idea who she is, no name, no pics

I should clarify though, him mentioning her (that she just texted him and is in Italy) is what led to the argument, he didn't bring her up during an argument. What bothers me about the situation is us having a conversation about this very issue when we first met (me choosing not to stay in touch with my ex because it's disrespectful to the next man), and him casually sliding it in when he knows my stance.

Call me jealous/insecure, I don't like it

I can see why you would be upset. Your relationship is still new and his breakup, even though its been over for a year, is still a little fresh. I would feel some kind of way about it too.

 

[MissNina]

-We've been together for about 6 months, official about 5
-They broke up about a year ago
-Nope, have no idea who she is, no name, no pics

I should clarify though, him mentioning her (that she just texted him and is in Italy) is what led to the argument, he didn't bring her up during an argument. What bothers me about the situation is us having a conversation about this very issue when we first met (me choosing not to stay in touch with my ex because it's disrespectful to the next man), and him casually sliding it in when he knows my stance.

Call me jealous/insecure, I don't like it

Totally rhetorical, but she texted and told him that for what? Why does she get the impression that is something he would want to know? How many side convos have they REALLY had? Bc I would never text any of my exes, even the two I keep in my pocket, to tell them that I'm in a whole other country. I see why y'all argued about it.

If bae & I broke up and he had a new gf, I'd 100% text him something like that Bc I'd be lowkey putting things in motion. Seeing an ex have new experiences, living life, etc. is appealing to a man in a stable relationship and women like me know this. If he's not married, he's single and still up for grabs esp when history is involved (lived together or were together 2+ years). That kind of connection needs to be severed completely in order for a man to really get over, IMO. Men can be infatuated with exes forever, in my experience. My two exes I was talking about I've known since 2009. That's almost a decade and these negroes are still around, one is even engaged, but gave me several opportunities in the past two years to have him leave his current fiancee for me. Luckily for her I'm Christian, believe in karma, and am in "forever love". Im the one who told him to propose to her in the first place & to stop trying to deal with me Bc she's cute & really loves him.

In short: Make him end that, girl.

 

[lesedi]

-We've been together for about 6 months, official about 5
-They broke up about a year ago
-Nope, have no idea who she is, no name, no pics

I should clarify though, him mentioning her (that she just texted him and is in Italy) is what led to the argument, he didn't bring her up during an argument. What bothers me about the situation is us having a conversation about this very issue when we first met (me choosing not to stay in touch with my ex because it's disrespectful to the next man), and him casually sliding it in when he knows my stance.

Call me jealous/insecure, I don't like it

You have every right not to be happy. It took me like 2 years to get over an ex once so a year post-breakup is still fresh IMO. And the fact that you had a convo about this when you first met but they are still texting? Not cool. It feels like he wants to make you jealous.

 

[hopeful]

-We've been together for about 6 months, official about 5
-They broke up about a year ago
-Nope, have no idea who she is, no name, no pics

I should clarify though, him mentioning her (that she just texted him and is in Italy) is what led to the argument, he didn't bring her up during an argument. What bothers me about the situation is us having a conversation about this very issue when we first met (me choosing not to stay in touch with my ex because it's disrespectful to the next man), and him casually sliding it in when he knows my stance.

Call me jealous/insecure, I don't like it

I wouldn't make a big fuss. I'd simply observe moving forward. He has to truly agree that ongoing communication with her isn't cool. Otherwise he will just not tell you in the future and hide it better. It's not up to you to make or try to force or encourage him to stop. It's up to you to observe and decide on what your boundaries are, what's acceptable and unacceptable for you. It sounds like he agreed that you shouldn't communicate with exes, but that those rules don't apply to him.
A few red flags to look out for:
•If he says you are acting jealous
•If he says they are just friends now
•If he acts indignant
•If he shows a lack of compassion for you
•If he shows no regret/remorse
•If he says but she contacted me, I can't control her, not my fault she initiated contact etc.
•If you sense that he is fighting you on this and he will only stop if forced to.
Pretty much words and actions that show his desire to protect this past relationship and his right to communicate with whomever he chooses over his responsibility to you and the relationship.

 

[Anacaona]

Totally rhetorical, but she texted and told him that for what? Why does she get the impression that is something he would want to know? How many side convos have they REALLY had? Bc I would never text any of my exes, even the two I keep in my pocket, to tell them that I'm in a whole other country. I see why y'all argued about it.

If bae & I broke up and he had a new gf, I'd 100% text him something like that Bc I'd be lowkey putting things in motion. Seeing an ex have new experiences, living life, etc. is appealing to a man in a stable relationship and women like me know this. If he's not married, he's single and still up for grabs esp when history is involved (lived together or were together 2+ years). That kind of connection needs to be severed completely in order for a man to really get over, IMO. Men can be infatuated with exes forever, in my experience. My two exes I was talking about I've known since 2009. That's almost a decade and these negroes are still around, one is even engaged, but gave me several opportunities in the past two years to have him leave his current fiancee for me. Luckily for her I'm Christian, believe in karma, and am in "forever love". Im the one who told him to propose to her in the first place & to stop trying to deal with me Bc she's cute & really loves him.

In short: Make him end that, girl.

YES to this whole post. They lived together at some point, not sure exactly why they broke up, never cared to ask because she was a non-factor, or so I thought.

I'm mad I let him see me sweat, but just now finding out they've been in contact to the point of sharing travel plans/Lord knows what else is disappointing and unsettling since I made my expectations clear from the beginning and makes me wonder what else he's been hiding.

 

[hopeful]

OP this info is probably a blessing in disguise.