Friends of the opposite sex and relationships...

[delitefulmane]

How do you ladies feel about your man/husband having friends of the opposite sex when you get into a serious relationship or when you get married? And what about your friends, do you allow them to hang around your man?

I ask because my godmom made the comment that she did not have women in her house; meaning random women and it got me wondering. I have had situations where I found out my friend was into my man and I didnt figure it out until he told me. I was flabbergasted and hurt but then I wondered should I have my guard up towards friends around my man?

Do friends of the opposite really matter once you get into a serious relationship/marriage?

Ladies, please share your thoughts.

 

[Lilmama1011]

Me and my SO tried and It didn't work. We both had best friends of the opposite sex and I tried to be mature about it, but it bothered both of us. I seriously feel if you sleep on someone(meaning think they aren't a threat) that's when they will strike because that's when your guard isn't up. Just like you have had some problems and been betrayed I say don't do it. Just because someone else allows their man to do it and it works for them doesn't mean it's fine for your relationship.

 

[Lilmama1011]

I had a co worker tell me a story about that same situation. She had a bf in high school and he immediately introduced his "best friend" you know the saying if they don't introduce the female at the beginning then you know something up if they randomly giving titles all of a sudden to invite her into Yal life. Well she assumed they was only friends. She said that her and the girl got cool and she even went out with them on dates by herself (no date came with her) and he ended up telling her months later I have to tell you something and she was like what? And he was like blah blah pregnant and my coworker said "oh really? Who's the father? And he said me"........omg that would have broke my freaking heart, that bird was screwing her man the whole time. She said never again she don't want to hear nothing about a female best friend from her future man and she won't tolerate it. She said she broke down to the ground and cried so hard and admitted she felt do stupid

 

[SUPER SWEET]

Women can be sneaky and under-handed when it comes to men. But you need to know your friends and his female friends outside of your friendship with them to have the proper assessment of their character. So yes, I think men can have friendships with the opposite sex but there need to be boundaries in place. And those boundaries need to be clear and spoken upon,not just your head.

 

[Lilmama1011]

And the funny thing about it is I still think its possible as long as the male or female is upfront about their intentions and feeling about their best friend. Some want movie scenes like they were there through Yal whole relationship and when Yal go to get marry they profess their love to their best friend. I seriously heard this before, that a guy said that his female friends' intention was to do this and that on his wedding night they will have $ex and realize they love one another, o puhleeze...

 

[Lilmama1011]

But men and women are sneaky nowadays and I will just say that it won't work in my relationship

 

[PeaceFlow]

I don't mind if they were already friends before me and the vibe seems totally non attracted on his part.

I don't want any new "close" friends made, and I prefer any currernt ones arent in frequent contact. He has one, or two that he catches up with maybe 3x a year and obviously I'm invited when they do. However, depending on the woman I could be fine with more regular contact.

I'm not worried about my best friends. They are all attractive, but I trust them as much as I can trust humans lol. If one turned out to be crushing on my man, I don't blame them lol. He would tell me if someone was making him uncomfortable and I could take care of the situation. I can't see any of my good friends ever flirting with him though. However I may pick up some new friend along the way that is dodgy and makes a pass. Will deal with that when it happens but it's not a big deal to me.

 

[delitefulmane]

Me and my SO tried and It didn't work. We both had best friends of the opposite sex and I tried to be mature about it, but it bothered both of us. I seriously feel if you sleep on someone(meaning think they aren't a threat) that's when they will strike because that's when your guard isn't up. Just like you have had some problems and been betrayed I say don't do it. Just because someone else allows their man to do it and it works for them doesn't mean it's fine for your relationship.

Thank you Lilmama1011, I am not speaking of "best friends," I mean female friends in general that they make along the way. I am not sure how I feel about that because I wonder is their only intention to be friends with my man or "friends"? The gray area is what bothers me.

Women can be sneaky and under-handed when it comes to men. But you need to know your friends and his female friends outside of your friendship with them to have the proper assessment of their character. So yes, I think men can have friendships with the opposite sex but there need to be boundaries in place. And those boundaries need to be clear and spoken upon,not just your head.

SUPER SWEET, I agree. How do you set up said boundaries? Is it like, no going out to dinner with friends opposite sex? Is this what you mean by boundaries? Please elaborate.

I don't mind if they were already friends before me and the vibe seems totally non attracted on his part.

I don't want any new "close" friends made, and I prefer any currernt ones arent in frequent contact. He has one, or two that he catches up with maybe 3x a year and obviously I'm invited when they do. However, depending on the woman I could be fine with more regular contact.

I'm not worried about my best friends. They are all attractive, but I trust them as much as I can trust humans lol. If one turned out to be crushing on my man, I don't blame them lol. He would tell me if someone was making him uncomfortable and I could take care of the situation. I can't see any of my good friends ever flirting with him though. However I may pick up some new friend along the way that is dodgy and makes a pass. Will deal with that when it happens but it's not a big deal to me.

Vanthie, Me either. He just told me that this girl he met at work suggested they go out for drinks and I was like Im not cool with that but at the same time, I have gone out with one of my guy friends that came in town. I don't want to be hypocritical but Im not gonna be naive either.

 

[delitefulmane]

No one else has any thoughts or advice on this?

 

[SoopremeBeing]

Im a little weary of the making new friends. In my experience, the ex-GFs were a problem as they didnt know their place...new women sniffing around? Ehhhh no.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I think it's completely doable. If the two parties are mature and the boundaries are kept.

My last bf had female friends, they even spoke regularly and hung out alone. Since he was very open about them I was comfortable with that. If he was having private conversations and/or seeing them too often, we would have had a problem.

 

[delitefulmane]

Im a little weary of the making new friends. In my experience, the ex-GFs were a problem as they didnt know their place...new women sniffing around? Ehhhh no.

SoopremeBeing,
My sentiments exactly.

I think it's completely doable. If the two parties are mature and the boundaries are kept.

My last bf had female friends, they even spoke regularly and hung out alone. Since he was very open about them I was comfortable with that. If he was having private conversations and/or seeing them too often, we would have had a problem.

keyawarren, thank you! I am still trying to figure this thing out in my head. I mean I am comfortable hanging out with my guy friends I had before my current BF but I found out that he isnt'. I am not comfortable with him hanging out with "new female friends" because I do not know what their intentions will be.

How do I figure out a balance and not be hypocritical?

 

[C@ssandr@]

delitefulmane

SoopremeBeing,
My sentiments exactly.



keyawarren, thank you! I am still trying to figure this thing out in my head. I mean I am comfortable hanging out with my guy friends I had before my current BF but I found out that he isnt'. I am not comfortable with him hanging out with "new female friends" because I do not know what their intentions will be.

How do I figure out a balance and not be hypocritical?

Hmm, I forgot to specify that he knew most of them before me.

What are your fears exactly? If you are afraid that you have a potential cheater on your hands, then your issue is not new female friends. Or you are battling your very own insecurities...which again makes it less about female friends. I can understand where you're coming from though. If a new female comes around your bf should let you get to know her before they go hanging out willy-nilly.

I have a male friend whom I never dated but we are close. In fact I am his confidant which makes our friendship sort of intimate. He has a gf who I have had the chance to meet. Now, we both do our part to keep boundaries. I only see him about every 2-3 months, and we do not chat often. But when I do see him he may ask me for advice which is a convo his gf might not need to hear. I'm being real. This is why I know having friends is possible. I know that he respects his gf (to the point it actually impresses me ) so there definitely is no ploy involved.

Transparency is key.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

I'm kinda long winded on this subject The boundries are really specific to your comfort level.

One thing i've seen with sucessful couples is not letting others get in your world too much. You have to protect your relationship just like you protect your greastest assests.When I say protect learn how to assess your relationship weaknesses.

Some examples of boundaries....
No phone calls from the opposite sex at midnight....
No sleeping over the opposite sex homes no matter how long they known them. I can't stand to hear "oh they've know each other for 20 years" as to say that discounts the current relationship.
Both clearly assessing the "new friendship"....(this is a whole can of worms)

I'll be back after this show over

 

[PeaceFlow]

delitefulmaneEither she's crushing on him and wants to get some alone time (why not invite others from work, why try to progress the connection on to private time when she can chat at work, and why not invite you too) ,or she just doesn't realise how this looks.

I feel new and old friends are two different things. Opposite sex friendships should be tested over time in most cases imo. With my old male friends I know I'm dead below the waist to them lol. That way I can introduce SO to a guy with confidence that I don't feel anything and the other person has been just friendly over years.

In the situation you described the first thought would be what are the womans intentions. The second thing is, without knowning the person over a long period you don't know if you could start to be attracted to a new friend, or vice versa. Especially if around the same age. It also tends to be hard to discern between positive new friendship feeling and slight bits of attraction creeping in. That's why I think it's best for committed people not to put themselves in the position of having one on one friendships with new people of the opposite sex. I find that quite innapropriate to be asking just him out for drinks.

 

[StarScream35]

OP,

I was in a relationship with a guy who had female friends and was best friends with his ex-girlfriend and he had ALL OUR BUSINESS out there to every last one of his female friends and to his ex. I'm a little weary of being with men that have female friends because women can be sneaky as was the case with my ex's friends. They were trying to get info to be messy and he couldn't see it because they were his friends. I had checked him on this several times and it eventually ended our relationship. Can it be done? I don't know~~your friends know your weaknesses and just because they are your friends don't mean they always have your best interest at heart.

 

[ElizaBlue]

I'm newly married and we both decided early on we needed and wanted some really defined boundaries. Mainly because he had EXs who refused to be the ex and after his last divorce he dated a lot more than I did. This resulted in a lot of follow-up phone calls from so-called "just friends" and "old class mates",as well as the Exs.

He changed his phone number and deleted and restarted a new FB too. He told me to go on and read some of the messages on his old FB account and it was crazy how many of these "platonic" friends who were friends to both he and the ex when they were married were sending him messages to take their "friendship" to the next level.

Granted all these comments on his page were first about condolences when he was going through the divorce, but then when you read the private messages they were openly saying they were happy it ended and that they always knew it wouldn't work. These were the same women grinning in the wife's face when they were together.

So after all that I was like hayle nope, we don't need those kinds of friends...come to think of it any kind. For my part I just followed suit because I was getting snarky comments from my Exs about getting married. But I also know that most male friends I had if not work related were not friends I wanted around anymore.

So I say no to your OP.

 

[Lymegreen]

New female 'friends' is a no go in my marriage as well.

Of course WE have interactions with women here and there but it is as a couple. He will not call them or go anywhere alone with them when I am not present on GP.

The same goes for OUR male friends. I would never seek a solo friendship or go out or call a 'male friend' at all.

This is a boundary that we openly discussed so BOTH of us are very clear and have agreed on this.

 

[delitefulmane]

delitefulmane

Hmm, I forgot to specify that he knew most of them before me.

What are your fears exactly? If you are afraid that you have a potential cheater on your hands, then your issue is not new female friends. Or you are battling your very own insecurities...which again makes it less about female friends. I can understand where you're coming from though. If a new female comes around your bf should let you get to know her before they go hanging out willy-nilly.

I have a male friend whom I never dated but we are close. In fact I am his confidant which makes our friendship sort of intimate. He has a gf who I have had the chance to meet. Now, we both do our part to keep boundaries. I only see him about every 2-3 months, and we do not chat often. But when I do see him he may ask me for advice which is a convo his gf might not need to hear. I'm being real. This is why I know having friends is possible. I know that he respects his gf (to the point it actually impresses me ) so there definitely is no ploy involved.

Transparency is key.

keyawarren, I agree that transparency is key. None of this is stemming from insecurity of any kind. I just wanted to hear what other women think out men having friends of the opposite sex. I remember a quote from a movie or something where the woman was said, "When I leave my house, everyone leaves.Im not having any woman around my man when Im not there." I do not believe her comment stemmed from insecurity. I felt as though she was taking precautionary measures. Does that make sense? That is what I am trying to do. Get advice upfront so that I can take precautionary measures. I trust my man but I don't trust the women that come across him.

delitefulmaneEither she's crushing on him and wants to get some alone time (why not invite others from work, why try to progress the connection on to private time when she can chat at work, and why not invite you too) ,or she just doesn't realise how this looks.

I feel new and old friends are two different things. Opposite sex friendships should be tested over time in most cases imo. With my old male friends I know I'm dead below the waist to them lol. That way I can introduce SO to a guy with confidence that I don't feel anything and the other person has been just friendly over years.

In the situation you described the first thought would be what are the womans intentions. The second thing is, without knowning the person over a long period you don't know if you could start to be attracted to a new friend, or vice versa. Especially if around the same age. It also tends to be hard to discern between positive new friendship feeling and slight bits of attraction creeping in. That's why I think it's best for committed people not to put themselves in the position of having one on one friendships with new people of the opposite sex. I find that quite innapropriate to be asking just him out for drinks.

Vanthie, And this is what I explained to him as well. He can be a bit naive at times, just like a lot of guys, when it comes to women hitting on him. In college, I told him of women that liked him and he was like "Really?" erplexed

OP,

I was in a relationship with a guy who had female friends and was best friends with his ex-girlfriend and he had ALL OUR BUSINESS out there to every last one of his female friends and to his ex. I'm a little weary of being with men that have female friends because women can be sneaky as was the case with my ex's friends. They were trying to get info to be messy and he couldn't see it because they were his friends. I had checked him on this several times and it eventually ended our relationship. Can it be done? I don't know~~your friends know your weaknesses and just because they are your friends don't mean they always have your best interest at heart.

Brighteyes35, AGREED! Now my closest friends, I know this isnt the case but other friends, I still have to figure out.

I'm newly married and we both decided early on we needed and wanted some really defined boundaries. Mainly because he had EXs who refused to be the ex and after his last divorce he dated a lot more than I did. This resulted in a lot of follow-up phone calls from so-called "just friends" and "old class mates",as well as the Exs.

He changed his phone number and deleted and restarted a new FB too. He told me to go on and read some of the messages on his old FB account and it was crazy how many of these "platonic" friends who were friends to both he and the ex when they were married were sending him messages to take their "friendship" to the next level.

Granted all these comments on his page were first about condolences when he was going through the divorce, but then when you read the private messages they were openly saying they were happy it ended and that they always knew it wouldn't work. These were the same women grinning in the wife's face when they were together.

So after all that I was like hayle nope, we don't need those kinds of friends...come to think of it any kind. For my part I just followed suit because I was getting snarky comments from my Exs about getting married. But I also know that most male friends I had if not work related were not friends I wanted around anymore.

So I say no to your OP.

ElizaBlue, right. Im sure I don't know all of my BFs friends and the same goes for me. I like how you guys reached an agreement about how to handle the people who try to make themselves relevant from the past.

SD: you look so cute in your siggy pic. I always like seeing it when I come across your posts.

New female 'friends' is a no go in my marriage as well.

Of course WE have interactions with women here and there but it is as a couple. He will not call them or go anywhere alone with them when I am not present on GP.

The same goes for OUR male friends. I would never seek a solo friendship or go out or call a 'male friend' at all.

This is a boundary that we openly discussed so BOTH of us are very clear and have agreed on this.

Lymegreen,
I agree that both people should be clear so that it is not a one sided decision.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I sorta understand the quote...but think if it was a man saying that about his gf....how would that sound?

I think the only way to work this situation out is by dealing with it on a case by case basis. The coworker who wanted to go drinking is a "no" imo, but there may be another scenario that may not sound as suspect.

 

[MizAvalon]

IDK. I can't say I'm totally comfortable with it. SO works with all men so no temptation at work but women are everywhere.

I don't think he(or I) need to be making new friends of the opposite sex. Former friends are cool as long as everyone understands boundaries. Can't say I'm 100% comfortable with that either though.

 

[Fine 4s]

I LOVE this thread...

It is very RARE to find men and women who are TRULY platonic. Even your best friend might stroke your ego in a way that if you really think about it, is inappropriate. You get that attention, that validation or that flirtatiousness that really should be reserved for your partner IMO.

There are two types of relationships:
Men women brothers and sisters
Men women relationships

Anything else in between is a gray area that is better left alone when you are pursuing a serious relationship leading towards marriage>>> grown folk relationships.

That being said:
1. Sharing private activities of any sort with the opposite xes best friend or otherwise makes for fertile ground for infidelity.
2. Searching for exes or past female friends on social media is not appropriate. Let them stay in the past.
3. All conversation between you and the opposite gender should be on walls and not in 'private messages'
3. Calling your SO during 'boo time' is highly inappropriate unless it's an emergency.
4. IF you are a real friend, you have to have not only known about me but we should have had some sort of interaction. Any woman that is not even SENSITIVE to that dynamic is suspect to me.
5. Another woman in his/our home without my knowledge and who does not meet the ‘friend’ criteria is also a no-no. If you THINK she could be a stop- by-type of friend, she needs to pass the sniff test. LOL Hey, I’m being real here!
6. Forget about the girls you tried to get with but didn’t work out, quasi friends.

Bottom line position is this: I need to know and feel comfortable with the friend. And even with that, there are not many activities your SO NEEDS to share without you. Maybe a quick catch-up phone call or a call to get a female perspective etc. Other than that, regular private convos are not cool IMO. I think on some level men are different and quite frankly I don't think they can respect friendship boundaries as well as women can.

When you factor all societal and biological pressures that exists between the sexes, nope.Test it….see if your best friend would sleep with you if you were willing and desired him in that way…go ahead. You’d be surprised. They’re just waiting their turn…

 

[ElizaBlue]

^^^ YES All this!

 

[mallysmommy]

i dont have any friends and my SO friends are horrible

but when i did have "friends" they never met the so at the time. i didn't feel they needed to. we gossiped and shared stories but we never met each other's bfs.

 

[delitefulmane]

I LOVE this thread...

It is very RARE to find men and women who are TRULY platonic. Even your best friend might stroke your ego in a way that if you really think about it, is inappropriate. You get that attention, that validation or that flirtatiousness that really should be reserved for your partner IMO.

There are two types of relationships:
Men women brothers and sisters
Men women relationships

Anything else in between is a gray area that is better left alone when you are pursuing a serious relationship leading towards marriage>>> grown folk relationships.

That being said:
1. Sharing private activities of any sort with the opposite xes best friend or otherwise makes for fertile ground for infidelity.
2. Searching for exes or past female friends on social media is not appropriate. Let them stay in the past.
3. All conversation between you and the opposite gender should be on walls and not in 'private messages'
3. Calling your SO during 'boo time' is highly inappropriate unless it's an emergency.
4. IF you are a real friend, you have to have not only known about me but we should have had some sort of interaction. Any woman that is not even SENSITIVE to that dynamic is suspect to me.
5. Another woman in his/our home without my knowledge and who does not meet the ‘friend’ criteria is also a no-no. If you THINK she could be a stop- by-type of friend, she needs to pass the sniff test. LOL Hey, I’m being real here!
6. Forget about the girls you tried to get with but didn’t work out, quasi friends.

Bottom line position is this: I need to know and feel comfortable with the friend. And even with that, there are not many activities your SO NEEDS to share without you. Maybe a quick catch-up phone call or a call to get a female perspective etc. Other than that, regular private convos are not cool IMO. I think on some level men are different and quite frankly I don't think they can respect friendship boundaries as well as women can.

When you factor all societal and biological pressures that exists between the sexes, nope.Test it….see if your best friend would sleep with you if you were willing and desired him in that way…go ahead. You’d be surprised. They’re just waiting their turn…

@fine4s
like ElizaBlue said, all this! Thanks for your candid response.

 

[pearcey]

I LOVE this thread...

It is very RARE to find men and women who are TRULY platonic. Even your best friend might stroke your ego in a way that if you really think about it, is inappropriate. You get that attention, that validation or that flirtatiousness that really should be reserved for your partner IMO.

There are two types of relationships:
Men women brothers and sisters
Men women relationships

Anything else in between is a gray area that is better left alone when you are pursuing a serious relationship leading towards marriage>>> grown folk relationships.

That being said:
1. Sharing private activities of any sort with the opposite xes best friend or otherwise makes for fertile ground for infidelity.
2. Searching for exes or past female friends on social media is not appropriate. Let them stay in the past.
3. All conversation between you and the opposite gender should be on walls and not in 'private messages'
3. Calling your SO during 'boo time' is highly inappropriate unless it's an emergency.
4. IF you are a real friend, you have to have not only known about me but we should have had some sort of interaction. Any woman that is not even SENSITIVE to that dynamic is suspect to me.
5. Another woman in his/our home without my knowledge and who does not meet the ‘friend’ criteria is also a no-no. If you THINK she could be a stop- by-type of friend, she needs to pass the sniff test. LOL Hey, I’m being real here!
6. Forget about the girls you tried to get with but didn’t work out, quasi friends.

Bottom line position is this: I need to know and feel comfortable with the friend. And even with that, there are not many activities your SO NEEDS to share without you. Maybe a quick catch-up phone call or a call to get a female perspective etc. Other than that, regular private convos are not cool IMO. I think on some level men are different and quite frankly I don't think they can respect friendship boundaries as well as women can.

When you factor all societal and biological pressures that exists between the sexes, nope.Test it….see if your best friend would sleep with you if you were willing and desired him in that way…go ahead. You’d be surprised. They’re just waiting their turn…

This is a great post. Thank you for your insight/wisdom.