Finding out where things stand

[hopeful]

And please if it comes staring in your face that any guy is not that into you, do not take it personally. I hate carrot cake, should carrot cake be ashamed and blame itself? No m'am plenty people love it and find it delish. Carrot cake just needs to wait on or find those who can't resist it. After all, carrot cake can't turn itself into red velvet, can it? And why bother if it could, when it's perfect just as it is.

 

[Silkycoils]

hopeful, I like your cake analogy (Mmm . . . cake }. Anywho, I will co-sign about baggagereclaim. Natalie drops some SERIOUS jewels on that site. I read Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and I had to keep from dropping my phone (ebook) because she kept pulling my card!!!! I highly recommend it! I am currently reading the companion book The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and it delivers as well. Natalie Lue has a gift!

 

[Glib Gurl]

Do people not talk about what they're looking for in a relationship any more?

I don't date just to date (no way, you gotta marry me if you want it, yes, plain and simple as that, I don't have time to catch feelings for nothing, and I know this doesn't work for everyone).

Actually marriage came up very early in our conversations. We are both on the upper end of our 30s.

Perhaps my comprehension is off Glib Gurl, but did he say you need to do something about your singleness or did he say he needs to do something about your singleness?

He needs....

We had a convo this week - initiated by him. I know where things stand Thanks ladies!

 

[DarkJoy]

Actually marriage came up very early in our conversations. We are both on the upper end of our 30s.

He needs....

We had a convo this week - initiated by him. I know where things stand Thanks ladies!

So uhhh... Clue in your girls. Where do things stand?????? The grin is a hint? Were we all right or wrong? Don't be cryptic!

Glib Gurl?

 

[BayAreaDream]

Update please

 

[Glib Gurl]

So uhhh... Clue in your girls. Where do things stand?????? The grin is a hint? Were we all right or wrong? Don't be cryptic!

Glib Gurl?

Update please

I won't give you the word for word rendition, but things are definitely on track toward exclusivity. That us all I'm comfortable sharing for now. But yeah.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I think you have your answer already. Men don't waste any time to lock you down per se if they see a future with you. The fact you have been dating him a month with no commitment is a huge red flag. He's not claiming you as you being his girlfriend. It doesn't take a man months to decide if you are capable of that title. I say roughly two week the most. You saying or alluding that you were gonna keep dating other men put the nail in the coffin as where this whole situation is going. This guy is not taking your serioulsy in any capacity. I say cut the whole thing off.

His agenda right now is on taking a trip or several trips to "smashivlle" with you.

Not to get off topic but this is one of those things that has always befuddled me. When is an appropriate time for a guy to ask for exclusivity? How soon is too soon or how late is too late?

I tend to be very cautious, a guy asking for exclusivity in two weeks has made me very nervous but I think that had a lot to do with the fact that I was not THAT into them and holding out for something else. Because if I was really really into the guy; I want to lock him down right after I feel he is what I am looking for.

Do men feel the same way? Or are they still dating other women even if they feel they have met the one?

 

[Duchesse]

Any man that has wanted to be exclusive with me has made it abundantly clear within the first 4 weeks Maximum...I just usually take a bit longer to make up my mind.

I once (very recently tbh) dated a guy on and off for a good 15 months...smh. It SHOULD NOT take that long but I was love-dumb.

New dude, after a month wants to be exclusive.

Men don't want what they want to be claimable by another dude.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

^^^Yep, a man that I see daily for the first week will usually hint for an extremely serious relationship by the end of that week and definitely by the first month.

Every man I dated that wanted a serious relationship told me he wanted exclusivity by the third date.

The men I dated who did not want a serious relationship would call months or years later and after a day of talking he would ask for exclusivity. What is that about?

 

[CaraWalker]

personally i do not want a guy seeking exclusivity in under a month, not at this age anyway. maybe when im older i might feel differently.

around the one month mark though, yeah, he either needs to **** or get off the pot. for me the right time for a man to approach exclusivity is when i have decided we know enough about each other to at least know if we dont like each other that much to try. if we are going out regularly, it should be around a month. i would not date a guy more than a maximum of three times a week in the early stages. seeing a new guy daily has never come up for me and personally it will not; i aint got time for that.

 

[kaykari]

personally i do not want a guy seeking exclusivity in under a month, not at this age anyway. maybe when im older i might feel differently.

around the one month mark though, yeah, he either needs to **** or get off the pot. for me the right time for a man to approach exclusivity is when i have decided we know enough about each other to at least know if we dont like each other that much to try. if we are going out regularly, it should be around a month. i would not date a guy more than a maximum of three times a week in the early stages. seeing a new guy daily has never come up for me and personally it will not; i aint got time for that.

lol, arent you almot 30? I agree with thos statement 100 percent though

 

[CaraWalker]

lol, arent you almot 30? I agree with thos statement 100 percent though

nope. i am not. and if i were thirty that would still be too thirsty for me. desperate men are not a good look either.

yall dating dudes for a week, two weeks (daily? ) and he pop up talmbout be my girlfriend? nah. not me. get down how yall live tho.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

^^^ Yep. Have you ever had that happen? He is going to give you an idea of where things are going by one to two weeks. No one is saying become that man's woman at that time. If the man is doing the courting, he is going to want to see you as often as he possibly can while the woman is still deciding. He knows that---that's why he courts you daily---to win you over and show you how high on his priority list he puts you. This type of behavior also tells you the kind of dynamics you will have in the future if you choose this man for the long term.

Yes I have dated a man daily. Usually after date one or even before date one ends he is suggesting places to go and things to see for date two and then the cycle repeats for the next day until something changes.

If I go too long without another date lined up, I am going to date someone else during those other times if someone interesting comes along around the same time (after all, I am not exclusive with him ). I am not going to date one man occasionally (every other week) and then decide to be his woman. Too me that is not good.

 

[CaraWalker]

nope. i am not. and if i were thirty that would still be too thirsty for me. desperate men are not a good look either.

yall dating dudes for a week, two weeks (daily? ) and he pop up talmbout be my girlfriend? nah. not me. get down how yall live tho.

 

[CarLiTa]

personally i do not want a guy seeking exclusivity in under a month, not at this age anyway. maybe when im older i might feel differently.

around the one month mark though, yeah, he either needs to **** or get off the pot. for me the right time for a man to approach exclusivity is when i have decided we know enough about each other to at least know if we dont like each other that much to try. if we are going out regularly, it should be around a month. i would not date a guy more than a maximum of three times a week in the early stages. seeing a new guy daily has never come up for me and personally it will not; i aint got time for that.

I feel the same way... It wouldn't even occur to me to be flattered by a quick ask. Being in a relationship with someone will require that I make certain adjustments to my life to fit that person in, and I can't see myself knowing enough about them to want to do so after just a few weeks. No way.
This sounds a bit contradictory to having a life, doesn't it? And are people looking to be validated with an ask for exclusivity, or are they actually assessing whether someone is a good fit or no, and deserving of being included in their lives?

ETA: with that said, there's a point after which a relationship becomes unlikely... so there's a good window of opportunity not to be avoided.

And I think it's great that someone gives an indication that they like where things are headed and are excited to continue discovering more about each other... but that doesn't have to translate into coupleness right away... at least in my personal opinion. Even I would be happy with getting to know each other a few more weeks longer before committing (and keeping in mind that window of opportunity... bc after a while the prospect isn't attractive to 1 or both parties anymore).

 

[LaBelleLL]

now that I am older (late 20s), i definitely appreciate a man who states his intentions up front, as soon as he knows of them. this includes whether he is looking forward to us being exclusive very soon, is unsure and seeing where things go, or just wants to kick it. this avoids me wasting a lot of time.

a man who states his intentions up front and fairly soon doesn't mean i have to jump up and say yes or go with his plan. i get the sense that those who take issue with this approach thinks the woman has to be down with all of that. not at all. him communicating all of this to me just puts the ball in my court and i can proceed at my leisure. this is a very powerful and advantageous position. it's basically how things should be. tbh, it pains me to see women who are against this or take issue with this.

oh well.

 

[barbiesocialite]

now that I am older (late 20s), i definitely appreciate a man who states his intentions up front, as soon as he knows of them. this includes whether he is looking forward to us being exclusive very soon, is unsure and seeing where things go, or just wants to kick it. this avoids me wasting a lot of time.

a man who states his intentions up front and fairly soon doesn't mean i have to jump up and say yes or go with his plan. i get the sense that those who take issue with this approach thinks the woman has to be down with all of that. not at all. him communicating all of this to me just puts the ball in my court and i can proceed at my leisure. this is a very powerful and advantageous position. it's basically how things should be. tbh, it pains me to see women who are against this or take issue with this.

oh well.

It's no secret that I can be a bit demanding in my interpersonal relationships. All or nothing. For me it's about a sense of security. I can't accept "I don't know" from anyone. I need to know, today, right now! Needless to say, I do prefer love-at-first-sight or @ first date type scenarios. Ambiguity and gray area--to me--means you don't like/love me. I hate wondering or having to ask questions, that makes me jump ship. I'm just insecure like that tho. *ye shrug* I need for people to prove they love/like me on their own accord or I won't believe anything they say.....

eta: I'm much better than I used to be, I used to wait only a couple days or a week, now I'll give you like 2 or 3 weeks to decide My SO claims he knew right away, I guess..........

 

[CaraWalker]

i really dont understand why people are defending themselves

 

[CarLiTa]

now that I am older (late 20s), i definitely appreciate a man who states his intentions up front, as soon as he knows of them. this includes whether he is looking forward to us being exclusive very soon, is unsure and seeing where things go, or just wants to kick it. this avoids me wasting a lot of time.

a man who states his intentions up front and fairly soon doesn't mean i have to jump up and say yes or go with his plan. i get the sense that those who take issue with this approach thinks the woman has to be down with all of that. not at all. him communicating all of this to me just puts the ball in my court and i can proceed at my leisure. this is a very powerful and advantageous position. it's basically how things should be. tbh, it pains me to see women who are against this or take issue with this.

oh well.

You make a good point. Certainly good to know very early on if some dude is just out trying to enjoy company for the short term and has no plans (with the woman in question or any woman, period) to see something to the long term. Guys like that need to be avoided like the plague. And I agree that even with knowing that there's that intention, there isn't necessarily a need to act on it prematurely. There's too soon, when you haven't yet gotten a strong or real enough sense of the person's qualities, and too late, when the cow is just being milked for free because it's there.

 

[LaBelleLL]

You make a good point. Certainly good to know very early on if some dude is just out trying to enjoy company for the short term and has no plans (with the woman in question or any woman, period) to see something to the long term. Guys like that need to be avoided like the plague. And I agree that even with knowing that there's that intention, there isn't necessarily a need to act on it prematurely. There's too soon, when you haven't yet gotten a strong or real enough sense of the person's qualities, and too late, when the cow is just being milked for free because it's there.

Right and even the too soon can show you a lot lol. He might be crazy and his over eagerness can be an indication that something is not quite right. This gives you an opportunity to basically run lol.

I just think as much information on the front end can only be advantageous. Nothing wrong with it.